AIBU to be so upset with domestic life?

[MyFamiIyAndOtherAnimals]

Just wondering because genuinely nobody seems to be listening to me and I need to know if I am at fault before I do something drastic like full time job, cleaner and full time nanny.

I’ve been SAHM since my son was born 11 years ago. He can’t cope with life after 1530 (amazing at masking then it all falls apart) and my husband was always away three nights a week every single week so between those factors I just stopped work.

Then the pandemic happened.

I spend hours a day cleaning just to have to redo it all the next day

1 Am always washing and ironing.
My husband leaves his clothes to pile up on a chair while my side is always clean and tidy.

Nobody in the house cleans the toilet effectively (3boys, 9, 11 & 12) unless I drag them back. I’m talking poo crumbs on the toilet seat etc. Despite me telling them off.

Despite a no shoes policy which everybody sticks to, I have to Hoover all the time.

I’m short nobody does anything. My husband cooks a lavish man type performance me every Sunday- he does the dogs and the bins and often the dishwasher is far far far better than he was

However it’s just not enough

My tipping point was just not finding three ironed shirts chucked on the floor in my sons room and an absolute mountain of clothes that I threw down the side of the bed.

I cannot do this any more. AIBU?

Sounds like my life but I also work from home full time, so because I'm at home I'm expected to do everything!

Being a SAHM is a full time job, endless cooking, food shopping, cleaning, tidying up, errands etc etc.

You do have 3 Children and am a family of 5 so life will be busy.

Get a cleaner or someone to do the ironing if you can afford it.

Lower standards and go for full time work, nanny and cleaner ASAP. Being a SAHM for that long will be soul destroying. Don't feel guilty.

Another vote for turning off the wifi!
I would call a family meeting and tell them they are messy pigs and you are going away for a few days. When you come back, there will be a rota and they will be doing some chores. Dad included!
Otherwise you will be going back to work and they can do the chores before the cleaning lady comes and they will do after school club; every day.

Take yourself on a mini break!! Xox

Well living alone is amazing, that is true. I guess all that can be done are the above mentioned ways of escaping the dynamic.

How do families cope where both parents work full time.? I don’t think they descend into chaos with feral children in unironed clothes scavenging for food while the poo layers build up in the loo.

I suspect a cleaner and everyone doin* a bit is how it works.

The OP needs to deceive what she wants from life. I’d check out for the week and see what happens….

@Gilly12345 being a SAHM to children of primary school age is definitely not a full time job.

Why are people saying a nanny is needed for children aged 9, 11 and 12? To do what for the few hours between school, dinner and bed?

Nobody in the house cleans the toilet effectively (3boys, 9, 11 & 12) unless I drag them back. I’m talking poo crumbs on the toilet seat etc. Despite me telling them off.

Better to leave than to continue to enable another generation of males to genuinely believe that cleaning their own shit off a toilet is beneath them but acceptable to expect a woman to do. It's misogyny at its finest.

They think this because the dynamic in your family home tells them it's acceptable, tolerable and normal. It's none of those things.

I'm so sorry that you're with a chauvinist pig but please don't continue the cycle by showing your sons this is acceptable. No matter how much you tell them it isn't in words, you tell then it is in actions.

I am a single mum to 3 school aged children. I work full time from home in a busy demanding job but can get small bits eg wash load on during the day.
I don't understand why you are an sahm and basically laying down to be the family doormat. Get a job asap and you will thrive. Your children will buck up their idea sharpish.

@Justcannotbearsed

How do families cope where both parents work full time.? I don’t think they descend into chaos with feral children in unironed clothes scavenging for food while the poo layers build up in the loo.

I suspect a cleaner and everyone doin* a bit is how it works.

The OP needs to deceive what she wants from life. I’d check out for the week and see what happens….

I agree with this. If it's remotely affordable, this is the way to go. And it means OP isn't entirely financially dependent on another adult.

I think there is a difference between choosing to be a sahm and having to be a sahm because of circumstances. I'm a sahm and i do everything for everyone in our house and I don't mind , but I chose that if I had to be sahm because I had to stop working I can understand that i might feel completely differently about it all . You sound like you hold yourself and your family to high standards and it's just overwhelming you and making you unhappy because you resent being expected to do so much because you are at home . There is plenty of time in the day for you to get everything done and still have time for yourself to relax a bit unless you are very meticulous and take a long time on each task in which case you may find a cleaner won't do the cleaning to your standards

Stop ironing buy non iron shirts, this time of year they wear jumpers & blazers anyway. Get a cleaner, stop hoovering so often.

Why wait til 13?

Just for the easy life, because OP doesn't seem to be someone who wants to have a row about it. One DC is already 12 another is 11 so not long to wait until 13 and when they inevitably moan and ask why, she can say because they're growing up now and it's time to learn chores and take responsibility as a teenager, as well as having more freedom that comes around that age. They can't really argue with that and if it's the same age for all of them, no arguments there either.

My mum worrked full time, widow with 4 children. We had a cleaner. We were well turned out, dog and a cat, clean house.

Agree also get rid of the iron. Tumble dryer + steamer = game changers. I’d give up my car before I gave up my tumble dryer xo

Time to get the boys acquainted with the washing machine and iron - maybe the husband will follow suit - let it carry on and your boys will more than likely expect what you do for them from their future girlfriend/wife - change the dynamic now! They're not toddlers.

@MichelleScarn

Why are people saying a nanny is needed for children aged 9, 11 and 12? To do what for the few hours between school, dinner and bed?

Presumably the OP thinks they need supervision due to their SN and could't be left to get on with everything alone while she has a break after working all day.

Write a rota, stick it to the fridge, then fuck off for the day for a spa or brunch or day trip whatever it is you like doing. Find a job or passion, get a cleaner if you can afford one. Decide you are only going to 'cut your hours' and only keep house part time. Between the hours of 9am and 12noon every day you are a lady of leisure. You don't touch an iron or cloth or hoover. Also at least 50% of evening meals need to be cooked by the rest of the family not just one Sunday roast by the husband. Ok maybe the 9 year olds a bit young, so that can be pizza night. Is there a way you can create your own space somewhere? Just a really peaceful, clean, organised corner of the house like a dressing table or desk or reading nook to escape to. Somewhere where you can ignore the poo speckled toilet and clothing strewn floors and relax in peace.

Your boys (and your husband) can all do their own laundry and tidy their own room themselves

Ironing is not a necessity except maybe for your husband depending on work, he can do it himself or make his own arrangements to have it done

You can make pocket money dependent on it but you will need to accept lower standards and there will be hick ups pink shirts, no clean PE kit on Monday and so on but nothing life threatening and it will teach them valuable life skills
L

YANBU but at the same time you are at home all day when your family is all out, so you're kind of asking for a lot of domestic stuff even if you don't want it. Sounds like they're all old enough to put up with you not doing it. Why iron anything? The oldest ones should know how to turn the washing machine. Does your house really need cleaning? Do you really need to hoover so much although I see you have a pet, I reckon most of the need for cleaning/mess comes from having one so again that's a choice. We don't have any pets so only hoover now and again and I have robot to do it. If it was me I'd get a job, it's the only way people accept you're not around to do everything for them.

I have a husband who has never cooked a meal in 20 years of marriage and a nearly 17 and nearly 18 year old who have never done anything in the house.

And this is a good thing why?

Get a job and get a cleaner. Cannot see why either are those are "drastic" suggestions. They may save your sanity.

I have a husband who has never cooked a meal in 20 years of marriage and a nearly 17 and nearly 18 year old who have never done anything in the house.

Oh dear. You don't understand the books, clearly! Leave them to us potterheads and stop examining cadavers as playthings. It's disgusting to do an operation on someone already waiting to die.

@thepeopleversuswork my mil has been cooking for her husband for 40+ years now and they're now retired so he wants his lunch cooking too. Horrendous. She has never once said no and he's an arse. 20 years quickly doubles!

I’m stunned at the few on here saying SAHM to school age children is a full time job.