AIBU to be so upset with domestic life?

[MyFamiIyAndOtherAnimals]

Just wondering because genuinely nobody seems to be listening to me and I need to know if I am at fault before I do something drastic like full time job, cleaner and full time nanny.

I’ve been SAHM since my son was born 11 years ago. He can’t cope with life after 1530 (amazing at masking then it all falls apart) and my husband was always away three nights a week every single week so between those factors I just stopped work.

Then the pandemic happened.

I spend hours a day cleaning just to have to redo it all the next day

1 Am always washing and ironing.
My husband leaves his clothes to pile up on a chair while my side is always clean and tidy.

Nobody in the house cleans the toilet effectively (3boys, 9, 11 & 12) unless I drag them back. I’m talking poo crumbs on the toilet seat etc. Despite me telling them off.

Despite a no shoes policy which everybody sticks to, I have to Hoover all the time.

I’m short nobody does anything. My husband cooks a lavish man type performance me every Sunday- he does the dogs and the bins and often the dishwasher is far far far better than he was

However it’s just not enough

My tipping point was just not finding three ironed shirts chucked on the floor in my sons room and an absolute mountain of clothes that I threw down the side of the bed.

I cannot do this any more. AIBU?

Oops forgot about DH, he can do his own clothes too!

Definitely get a job so you're out of the house a bit more. It will put things into perspective then and toothpaste on the sink won't seem quite so important.

@Lovelymincepies

My sons 12 he does his own washing, he hoovers and polishes the lounge, his room and the playroom and cleans the bathroom, strips and makes his own bed, washes up after meals. Stop doing everything, they are more than capable of doing stuff.

Sorry, but whilst impressive it is hardly the norm. When he’s doing his GCSEs and A levels…will mum still be asking for all this too! ^^

They are following your husband’s bad example. That’s all I have to say.

@EllieLucy

One simple change would be as each DC turns 13 they get taught how to use the washing machine and become in charge of washing drying and putting away their own clothes (forget ironing, not going to happen!).

Why wait til 13? 😳

3 dcs at full time school, plus a dh who works away 3 nights a week plus no work. You should have time to put your house in order straight after the school run. Literally an hour a day.

Maybe 2-3 hours one day a week to do a full hoover, mop, dust, windows etc.

If they don't put laundry away they wear it creased and fusty.

Shit trug in the stairs, shit that's not put away goes in the trug, if it's not collected by 10am Saturday morning it goes to the charity shop.

Honestly, you are being a martyr. I do a full time degree, have 2 horses, our own business, 2 dcs and a dh who doesn't work away but does work long hours. Which means he isn't available for the day to day grind but does need feeding every night. Which I chose to do rather than have performance cooking messing my kitchen up.

Get a job, get a hobby other than cleaning or do some kind of course. I am as happy as a pig in shit with my busy lifestyle. Times I have felt martyred and taken for granted is when I have been mainly a sahm. It's soul destroying to think the only value you have is childcare and endless cleaning. If I was ever in that position again I'd make sure I spent every afternoon on the sofa with a book and a brew at the very least.

Yes I can relate!! I’ve had so many moments like that throughout my life.

I’m impressed that you’ve got all your boys cleaning the loo!

Sounds like you need to give them each a washing basket and airer. They can all do their own clothes on a different day of the week, maybe? You just do yours. How soon they will learn!

I feel quite triggered reading your OP!
I too have 3 sons but mine are grown up now. I very clearly remember the relief when I decided that their rooms and their washing and ironing was their own affair. I offered ironing lessons to all of them after finding ironed shirts on the floor None of them took me up on that so all lived in unironed clothes after that. It wasn't a problem in that the sky didn't fall in., I will occasionally iron a shirt as a favour, and on the basis that they help me out when I need it. Maybe for a job interview or something like that, not for an evening out.
Their washing gets done if it's put in a bag in front of the washing machine. I don't pick up dirty socks and pants from the floor, they do that. If they don't then they don't have clean clothes,.
The toilet/bathroom is a public space though so that's something to get tough on. Haul them back in there immediately you notice a problem. Don't let them get a way with it it will be harder to make them do stuff when they are older.
Hoovering does need doing fairly often but there's no reason why it has to be you that does it all., Get them to do it . Yoiu may need to lower your standards slightly but that's OK
Then you'll be freed up to look for work/studying opportunities. Even if your child does need you after school,l you have all the school day free., And they probably don't need your actual attention just for you let them in the house, provide snacks and a calm atmosphere. You are not a dogsbody, and even your child with autism needs to learn independence They may well be be better with quiet time alone. You can't give up your life and earning capacity - what if something happens to DH?
In your shoes I'd be looking for work, maybe something with short hours or the possibility of working from home. or maybe you'd prefer to be regulalry out of the house., Housework should not be the main focus of your life. it'll drive you crazy!

@HighlandCowbag

3 dcs at full time school, plus a dh who works away 3 nights a week plus no work. You should have time to put your house in order straight after the school run. Literally an hour a day.

Maybe 2-3 hours one day a week to do a full hoover, mop, dust, windows etc.

If they don't put laundry away they wear it creased and fusty.

Shit trug in the stairs, shit that's not put away goes in the trug, if it's not collected by 10am Saturday morning it goes to the charity shop.

Honestly, you are being a martyr. I do a full time degree, have 2 horses, our own business, 2 dcs and a dh who doesn't work away but does work long hours. Which means he isn't available for the day to day grind but does need feeding every night. Which I chose to do rather than have performance cooking messing my kitchen up.

Get a job, get a hobby other than cleaning or do some kind of course. I am as happy as a pig in shit with my busy lifestyle. Times I have felt martyred and taken for granted is when I have been mainly a sahm. It's soul destroying to think the only value you have is childcare and endless cleaning. If I was ever in that position again I'd make sure I spent every afternoon on the sofa with a book and a brew at the very least.

I was in the middle of typing a long post but essentially wanted to say this ^^

I do sympathise OP, I also have 3 DC, one on the spectrum, and was a SAHM for a long time. It’s so easy to make the household and housework your life’s work when you’re a SAHM to school age dc, it’s so easy to feel the child with additional needs won’t cope if you rock the boat, so easy to justify your existence by constant cleaning and washing and shopping and cooking. But long term it does no one any favours, least of all yourself.

Playing Devil’s advocate slightly - your dc could argue that why shouldn’t you do it all, you have six hours a day to yourself whilst they’re working hard at school!

Get a job. Just a part time one will do. Get another focus outside the house. Honestly the best thing I ever did was go back to work, both for my self esteem and for the way it’s given my dc new respect for me. They do more now because I point out that I’ve been at work too and therefore they need to help more. Far more logical to their brains than ‘Mum shouldn’t have to do it all.’

I'm fed up of domestic drudgery too. Much as I love my kids, I am looking forward to one day doing laundry for me, myself and I.

They do their rooms in the morning
Beds blinds curtain and window
So wheres the huge messes coming from? School x5 days a week so home between 4 and 9 if they are clearing table what mess is there?
Do you have high standards?

Can you go on holiday for 2 weeks alone, or with mum/friends/ siblings?

Let them realise how much you do!

@Animood

Can you go on holiday for 2 weeks alone, or with mum/friends/ siblings?

Let them realise how much you do!

You have my sympathy op

I don't know what the answer is because I went on strike for eight weeks (I have older teens so no one died of hunger) and no one did a thing and I had to set about tidying it all up again which was a huge chore. They did react positively when they came back from holiday and it was all back to normal, but since then it has drifted back to everyone making a mess again.

We've done family meetings, wall charts, bribery, family contracts. Nothing works. I hate constantly nagging so I do it all and I am waiting for them all to move out frankly. Dh does loads but he is also working loads so doesn't have time to do more.

And btw, the dc all did chores when they were younger and were good at helping. It was the mix of lockdown, exam stress, and adolescent hormones that sent it all awry. They only care now if they want to bring friends home. I've given up!

I’m not dissing the work of a SAHM but if your children are in school? Why can’t you spread the cleaning throughout the day. Some people have to find the time to clean with 40 plus hours out the house and a commute!

@HeartRainbow87

I’m not dissing the work of a SAHM but if your children are in school? Why can’t you spread the cleaning throughout the day. Some people have to find the time to clean with 40 plus hours out the house and a commute!

I agree with this 100%. And I'm a SAHM!

OP, why can't you clean during the time they're at school? They're out the house 9-3 everyday? Surely you're not doing housework all day every day

Bear in mind, if you get a job, you'll still be doing some cleaning, washing, and ironing?!

I have a husband who has never cooked a meal in 20 years of marriage and a nearly 17 and nearly 18 year old who have never done anything in the house. I also have a dog who is solely my responsibility.

You sound as if you need to get a routine in place. You should have time for yourself everyday if everyone is out of the house alot. The thing about being a sahm is everyone will thinks you are there to make their lives comfortable and easy. If you don't enjoy this set up and don't want to take ownership of the house, maybe going back to work might make them value you more? Overall, even though I have had my moans, I can honestly say I've enjoyed looking after them all.

@TheElvishQueen

You really do need to iron. Work/school shirts , trousers etc. Linen. You can't get away with not ironing those.

Well, in that case, the people in the household wearing said clothing should learn to iron.

I don't own an iron and live to tell the tale.

I have a husband who has never cooked a meal in 20 years of marriage and a nearly 17 and nearly 18 year old who have never done anything in the house.

How is this a good thing? Your teens will have to learn to do things eventually.

@Zerrin13

I have a husband who has never cooked a meal in 20 years of marriage and a nearly 17 and nearly 18 year old who have never done anything in the house. I also have a dog who is solely my responsibility. You sound as if you need to get a routine in place. You should have time for yourself everyday if everyone is out of the house alot. The thing about being a sahm is everyone will thinks you are there to make their lives comfortable and easy. If you don't enjoy this set up and don't want to take ownership of the house, maybe going back to work might make them value you more? Overall, even though I have had my moans, I can honestly say I've enjoyed looking after them all.

That wouldn’t be my choice of life and I’d wonder what messages I was sending to the kids. Do they find someone to look after them in life or be the nanny, cleaner, cook?

I have a husband who has never cooked a meal in 20 years of marriage and a nearly 17 and nearly 18 year old who have never done anything in the house.

Your husband is your problem, but are the two of you really planning on unleashing two domestically incompetent young adults used to being waited on hand and foot by mummy on unsuspecting future partners? You may enjoy looking after them, but it's not a given that anyone else will.

@whenthedoveslie

Not helpful at all.

But based on what you have written, I would leave.

Scraping shit off a toilet bowl that wasn't mine, daily. I would leave.

Would you? Just up and leave your 3 children age 9, and 12? Never mind cleaning shit....that would make you a shit mother

@MyFamiIyAndOtherAnimals

I could have written this myself I'm miserable too but as least I go to work for respite
Get a job for 20hrs a week to get
Out the house

As a mother of sons it's important for them to see you go out to work and be a fully rounded person. You and your husband are reinforcing terrible stereotypes to your sons where the woman is just a domestic drudge for the family. Also you only get one life, don't waste it being miserable. Sounds like you do more cleaning in a day than I do in a week, so get a cleaner and start living your life more for you,

Gosh I feel for you! On the one hand tbh I think you have lots of time when they are all at school, but equally from periods when I have not been working I know how soul destroying it can be to just look after everyone else all the time and not do anything for yourself.

Honestly, I think noting will change until you are the catalyst. Use some of the time they are at school to do something for yourself - a gym, a hobby, meet with friends etc. Teach them to pick up after themselves - as a mother of boys myself, this is so so important; think of the men you want them to be - you are modelling how they will ultimately go on to treat their wives etc...

If you do get some sort of paid work, remember old habits die hard. It will feel even more overwhelming but you'll feel you'll have more justification in putting your foot down and you'll be out of a house that is driving you mad