AIBU to be so upset with domestic life?

[MyFamiIyAndOtherAnimals]

Just wondering because genuinely nobody seems to be listening to me and I need to know if I am at fault before I do something drastic like full time job, cleaner and full time nanny.

I’ve been SAHM since my son was born 11 years ago. He can’t cope with life after 1530 (amazing at masking then it all falls apart) and my husband was always away three nights a week every single week so between those factors I just stopped work.

Then the pandemic happened.

I spend hours a day cleaning just to have to redo it all the next day

1 Am always washing and ironing.
My husband leaves his clothes to pile up on a chair while my side is always clean and tidy.

Nobody in the house cleans the toilet effectively (3boys, 9, 11 & 12) unless I drag them back. I’m talking poo crumbs on the toilet seat etc. Despite me telling them off.

Despite a no shoes policy which everybody sticks to, I have to Hoover all the time.

I’m short nobody does anything. My husband cooks a lavish man type performance me every Sunday- he does the dogs and the bins and often the dishwasher is far far far better than he was

However it’s just not enough

My tipping point was just not finding three ironed shirts chucked on the floor in my sons room and an absolute mountain of clothes that I threw down the side of the bed.

I cannot do this any more. AIBU?

Not helpful at all.

But based on what you have written, I would leave.

Scraping shit off a toilet bowl that wasn't mine, daily. I would leave.

Yep, I refuse to be the family skivvy so work full time, have clear defined roles - I do food, dh does clothes washing them other bits we split. Every 3-4 months I go full banshee and they have a big tidy up.

Oh and a cleaner 3 hours a week.

I think you are not doing enough for you. Do you ever just not do it for a couple of days?

We all have enough clothes to let the washing pile up (my washing room is on the top floor out of sight!).

Just because your a SAHM doesn't mean you are the employed cleaner!!

There are so many posts on here with women being SAHM's doing nothing but cleaning and looking after the kids.

Where does the pressure come from? At the end of the day, no one is going to sack you from your own house if you don't do the washing - just catch up on a day you feel like it!

And no I don't live in a shit tip, but I definitely prefer to have a life than keep "on top" of my house - it still looks messy after I've spent hours cleaning as it's very much lived in!

I agree with others . Go back to work ASAP. If you are going to spend the day doing stuff you don’t want to do for other people you might as well get paid. Ideally get a job that takes you out of the house at least a couple of evenings and maybe Saturday too so they can all sort themselves out and you won’t be there to see it!

I think it's time for a week away actually. Or at least a weekend. You need to leave them all to it for a bit.

Then... what everyone else has said.

Agree with @sashagabon that getting a job that requires some evenings/weekends would also be a master stroke.

I'm sorry you feel this way op I've been a sahm for 15 years and I do everything for everyone . Staying home and doing all those tasks day in day out is repatative and the constant picking up can be infuriating at times but it sounds like you have absolutely reached the end of your tether . I would look at getting a cleaner in if it would help how fed up you feel .

Don't do them lists and divide up tasks.

They won't have ownership of that, you still will.

I agree that it's your DH that's the problem as he's role modelling slobbiness.

One suggestion that may be way out, have you thought about going minimalist? If there are fewer things in the house, those remaining are less overwhelming and get looked after better. They're also more likely to find their way into the laundry basket because if your kids only have 10 pairs of socks instead of 40 pairs of socks, they'll get more organised about ensuring those 10 pairs are added to the cleaning rota on time.

Don't iron! You definitely don't need to iron. Nothing really needs ironing unless someone is attending a wedding.

You really do need to iron. Work/school shirts , trousers etc. Linen. You can't get away with not ironing those.

@TheElvishQueen

You really do need to iron. Work/school shirts , trousers etc. Linen. You can't get away with not ironing those.

Perhaps the members of OPs family who wear the shirts could also iron them. Also - you can so get away with not ironing (trousers??).

Shut the doors on their mess and walk away. So long as school uniforms are acceptable-not ironed as surely they wear a jumper or blazer in this weather then let them live in it and just close the door so you don't see it. I did read something recently, maybe on here about the mother who put some wild black rice grains in her sons bed and said it was some kind of animal dropping and it did make her DS much cleaner. I think you need something out of the house so DH doesn't keep taking advantage. I couldn't use a dirty toilet though so feel your pain. Wait until one of them gets a partner and brings them home to a dirty loo bowl. I imagine ideas will be bucked up at that pong.

Point not pong but that was a very inadvertent but appropriate typo!!!

And absolutely turn that WiFi off

I wouldn't iron their clothes as things stand. I'd let them go scruffy to school/work and make it clear ironing was dependent on them cleaning up after themselves. Why bust a gut keeping everyone looking well turned out when they treat you with such disrespect?

One of us vacuums maybe once a week, often once a fortnight.
After the clothes have been washed one of us hangs them on the heated airer and from there they go into a huge pile in a basket so people can help themselves.
No one is spending hours doing unnecessary chores.
Poo on the loo seat is disgusting. I'd keep one loo seat clean, use that one, and leave the other to fester until they get the message.

@TheElvishQueen

You really do need to iron. Work/school shirts , trousers etc. Linen. You can't get away with not ironing those.

Well she's not wearing school or work clothes so she's good

Those ages? Stop doing it all.
Write a checklist of “things to check that you might need to do” - clothes in wash basket, clean toilet, things like that.
Give them 15 minutes before dinner every day when they have to check that list. The clock re-starts on 15 minutes if anyone stops looking for jobs. Nobody gets their dinner until the 15 minutes is over. If that means dinner is cold, then dinner is cold.

That’s for the children.

For your husband, just stop doing his stuff full stop.

@TheElvishQueen

You really do need to iron. Work/school shirts , trousers etc. Linen. You can't get away with not ironing those.

I don't iron any of these and we are all still alive.

Why are you doing so much cleaning?

I have three kids (well only two at home since September tbf), a messy DH and dogs. I spend maybe ten mins a day on laundry (seconds to put it on, minutes to put in in the drier, minutes to fold and deposit in bedrooms).

I can clean the kitchen after a full roast dinner in less than fifteen mins, I know this because I timed myself when the kids were routinely making it last an hour.

Bathrooms once a week, three bathrooms take no more than half an hour.

Dh hoovers every day but again this only takes what, half an hour to do the whole (not small) house?

My kids rooms are disgusting and I don’t get involved.

Once a month or so I’ll have a proper sort out day, bookcases, junk drawer, pantry etc.

I work full time (often 60hrs). I think if I was a SAHM I’d be tempted to spend all day cleaning out of boredom but it would be unnecessary and I would t do it if I resented it.

Honestly I think your main problem is that your standards are way too high. If your kids are already doing their rooms every morning then you’re already way ahead of most people.

YANBU I get this immense frustration and feeling of anger at being treat like a dogs body too!!

If I were you I’d get a job outside the home to have your own wage, then tell then all the chores are going to be split more evenly.

Do you have much of a social life or do activities out of home?

I think there needs to be more expectation on the husband and kids(age appropriate of course), just realise that when they start doing stuff it’s likely to be below par for a while.

I hear you… I had a thread under a different name in summer about how I just wanted to stop cooking endless meals, being the provider of snacks in both shopping for food and telling people what they can ear.
I did it for a short period, and just had soup of sandwiches myself. I have started to make food again and insist they take a turn too and they are more appreciative of what I do for meals now. I have DS17, DS16 & DD12.
Re ironing, just stop. School uniform doesn’t really need ironing and if DH needs a shirt ironed he can do it himself.
Draw up a task list, allocate tasks for everyone and enforce it. I make everyone do 30 mins cleaning once a week and it makes a big dent in it. Make a big deal of bathroom ‘mess’ be loud, noisy and annoying over it - it honestly is worth losing your shit over it and getting the culprit back to deal with their own mess. I’ve gone mad at DS for being careless and peeing down the side of the loo repeatedly - it’s sheer laziness, but I shout loudly about it (don’t care if he’s gaming with his mates) and make him immediately stop and clean and disinfect his pee. Filthy bath or beard shavings in the sink - make them stop what they are doing and clean the sink with Jif. Dirty boxers and socks thrown on the bathroom floor, immediately must be made to pick them up.

One simple change would be as each DC turns 13 they get taught how to use the washing machine and become in charge of washing drying and putting away their own clothes (forget ironing, not going to happen!).

@violetbunny

I think the crux of the issue here is your husband. Not only is he not pulling his weight, he is also setting your kids a bad example, which they all appear to be following.

I'd be reading him the riot act and telling him the marriage will be ending unless he pulls his socks up.

I completely agree. My 5 yr old knows me are a team and well including our 2 yr pulls her weight. My 5 yr old is not a happy tidier but she knows if it doesn’t go in the washing basket then it won’t be washed and put folded on her bed to put away. She sees both parents putting their dirty cup etc next to the dishwasher.