Incompetent family members

[Notsomerryandbright]

How do you broach family members who can't deal with everyday things in life?

I mean things like family members who can drive, have a car but won't go beyond their immediate vicinity so ask for lifts/ collections but are very picky about when etc.

Storm damage yesterday but they won't call a handyman or tradespeople so ask us so we had to go round in the afternoon.

Have debit cards but refuse to use them online because it's not safe so ask us to order and then get given cash.

They aren't even old which is the most frustrating thing, late 20s, so it's just incompetence. They don't have a partner and lives alone with his cats.

I'm not begrudging helping people we love but it just feels like these are things that adults should be able to do independently!

Be less available, I think. In an emergency, I would make an exception. I have a DSis like this.

Have they always been this way?
I'd suggest backing off with availability, or make it to your convince, no theirs.

they won't ... so we had to go round in the afternoon.

What would happen if you responded in a different way?

You can't really expect someone to change their ways when they achieve exactly the results they want.

Why would they change?

Stop enabling them, have better boundaries.

Stop helping them when you know they have an alternative. If they choose not to call a handyman and to live with the damage that’s on them, they’re an adult and capable of making that decision; it’s not your responsibility to sort it out for them.

Perhaps incompetence is the wrong word. Does this person actually have the skills to do these tasks or are you judging them on what you believe an adult can do. You sound very judgemental and perhaps not seeing the whole picture. Any adult who thinks online banking is unsafe would make me think that they have rigid/ fixed views on certain things which of course would explain perhaps an element of anxiety about having to navigate by car places/roads they don’t know or are out of their comfort zone more than being a nuisance to you. That also goes for the mental planning management of knowing how to search for a roofer and then having to know how to explain what they need. These “simple” adults activities are actually really difficult for some grown ups and if their go to has been to ask family or friends to help out them that is their default now.

Is there a reason you’re enabling this bollocks?

If you keep doing it for them they’ll keep asking. I’d be more sympathetic if they were older (like 70+), but as this person is in their 20s it will only get worse. Next time say ‘I’m sorry I just don’t have time/skills to do this, here is a list of local handymen you can get quotes from’

If you jump every time he makes a demand, what reason has he got to change?

Simply be less available. "Sorry, that doesn't work/isn't convenient for me."

Is there a backstory - a traumatic childhood, MH issues or neurodiveristy? If so would be good to get to the root of this issue and support and encourage them to work with addressing that as much as possible.

Or are you concerned about their volatile / controlling / manipulative behaviours if you don’t comply?

I think communicating with strangers I would probably help with as some people just can't do this or it takes a lot longer to get the hang of it.
Lifts are only ever at my convenience. I was driving earlier than friends and very accommodating with lifts, the lack of reciprocity when I needed it burnt that out of me. Now I'll give lifts but only if it fits into my day easily.
I think the reciprocity is key. People who help me/have helped me are much more likely to be helped than those who don't.

Thats not incompetent, thats just manipulative. What does he do if you refuse to dance to his tune help him?

Has he always struggled with life?

I would always help a family member/friends out with things like 'storm damage' rather than them call out (expensive & in high demand) tradespeople.

As for buying online, as they're 'younger' I'd advise them to get a credit card they only use for online purchases and explain the various ways they are protected and the card is isolated from their bank account.

As for the the driving out of their confit zone, it would depend really. Maybe suggest a couple of driving lessons to build their confidence - some instructors are great at this kind of thing. But if there's a reason why he can't or won't drive further than his comfort zone it's probably a goid idea he doesn't - the roads are dangerous enough without adding another incompetent driver. But this is where YOU need to put boundaries in place ' happy to take you on x day at x time' and jeep saying 'no that doesn't work for me' if they wanting a different time/day without any particular need (like an appointment at the hospital) or suggest a taxi/bus for trips he's not happy to make if there aren't underlying SEN or MH issues.

Tackle each thing separately, not as one big issue.

Stop doing it all

You're allowing them to behave this way. There's no reason for them to change as people run round after them

Stop doing so much for them. You’re enabling them and treating him like a child by agreeing to do things for him.

Does he have any additional needs?

Has this person ever mentioned anxiety, or been investigated for SEN ?

You didn’t have to go round - you chose to. Under emotional pressure, but still a choice.

You are both making choices. You can make different ones! Time to start withdrawing help.

I wouldn't agree to any of that, so they would find their own solutions, they are fully functioning adults. Say no I am busy. End of.

Search up strategic incompetence OP. I definitely wouldn't be running around after someone in this situation!

Hahaha sorry @NovemberNovemberDarkNights but I love your "confit zone" typo

Error. Start saying NO!

@Brakebackcyclebot

Error. Start saying NO!

this

Someone in their 20s who won't use a card online? Won't drive outside of their own town? What's your relationship to this person? If they are genuinely unable to do these things then it's OK to help, if not I'd be pulling right back.

Effectively you are enabling their nonsense. It may be strategic incompetence, lack of confidence or an actual SEN/neurodiversity. But currently why would they change when they have found a solution that works?

You need to push back by being less available, suggesting different solutions and leaving them to try and fix it.

I mean things like family members who can drive, have a car but won't go beyond their immediate vicinity so ask for lifts/ collections but are very picky about when etc - Do not waver on when you can pick up, reflect back to them that they do drive and if they drove a bit further they would have more flexibility.

Storm damage yesterday but they won't call a handyman or tradespeople so ask us so we had to go round in the afternoon - Sorry, too busy right now fixing our own damage, here is the number of someone we recommend

Have debit cards but refuse to use them online because it's not safe so ask us to order and then get given cash - Reflect back that if it's not safe for them to use a debit card online, it's not safe for you so why are they asking? Either it's safe in which case they can do it, and you will happily show them how, or it isn't, so you can't help.