Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Incompetent family members

116 replies

Notsomerryandbright · 28/11/2021 11:44

How do you broach family members who can't deal with everyday things in life?

I mean things like family members who can drive, have a car but won't go beyond their immediate vicinity so ask for lifts/ collections but are very picky about when etc.

Storm damage yesterday but they won't call a handyman or tradespeople so ask us so we had to go round in the afternoon.

Have debit cards but refuse to use them online because it's not safe so ask us to order and then get given cash.

They aren't even old which is the most frustrating thing, late 20s, so it's just incompetence. They don't have a partner and lives alone with his cats.

I'm not begrudging helping people we love but it just feels like these are things that adults should be able to do independently!

OP posts:
TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 28/11/2021 13:12

I wouldn't be so accommodating...

... also could you post a picture of the cats?
Thanks

RampantIvy · 28/11/2021 13:18

I mean things like family members who can drive, have a car but won't go beyond their immediate vicinity so ask for lifts/ collections but are very picky about when etc.

Storm damage yesterday but they won't call a handyman or tradespeople so ask us so we had to go round in the afternoon.

You have described my SIL to a T. She is older than your relative, but she has developed this learned helplessness that everyone finds extremely irritating. Her life is getting smaller because there are so many things she won’t do. She is perfectly computer literate and wouldn’t apply for a new driving licence online, saying that she would get one of her DC to do it for her. Her eldest son actually said that he thought she needed to learn to do things outside of her comfort zone, but she got extremely offended by him saying that.

I don’t understand people who want to be totally dependent on other people.

NerrSnerr · 28/11/2021 13:19

What would he say if you started asking the same things of him? Asking him for a lift? Asking him to help with DIY?

Instagram · 28/11/2021 13:19

If your your partner is willing and not you then maybe there is an unspoken family inclusion. Perhaps he has had tendencies for things to overwhelm him. But you may not have seen this as a crisis has always been prevented as he can rely on family for support. Maybe your partner has always had a guidance over him and this could be slowly decreased.

FinallyHere · 28/11/2021 13:19

It's your DP/DH enabling his sibling, isn't it @Notsomerryandbright ?

As so often on MN it's the immediate partner you need to convince to stop enabling. Hope you get it done.

trappedsincesundaymorn · 28/11/2021 13:21

@Notsomerryandbright

No there's no SEN. He has a degree, is highly educated and has always had a decent job. No autism or social difficulties, he has a good social life with lots of friends, just very restricted in other ways.

They had the same upbringing as my dh and he is fully functional. I know it sounds judgemental but I'm really not and do try to help, I do care and love him very much. I dont even think it's anxiety related, he does do things. He will go on holiday with friends but would pay over the odds for a package holiday instead of booking flight and hotel because its better.

I don't know how to help him. We could be less available but then from past experience whatever they need/want would just wait until we had time. I don't know how to say I think you need to start being more independent without offending or having him laugh it off.

I think it's going to hold him back massively though because I don't think many prospective partners would find it appealing having to baby someone his age through certain things

How about "you are a fully functioning adult with a degree, so from now on if you don't do it yourself then it doesn't get done. I am not your mother so don't treat me as such"?
diddl · 28/11/2021 13:24

Are they really incapable or just lazy?

If they can get someone to do it & it costs them nothing, surely they'll keep foing that?

ShepherdMoons · 28/11/2021 13:29

Yes I would stop doing it, unfortunately people then become too dependent on you if you help too much.

I have a lot of friends who won't drive in the snow, on motorways, can't do their own banking (usually the husband who does everything). It's a shame but really people have to be encouraged to have some independence.

TillyTopper · 28/11/2021 13:29

As PP have said you need to be less available. I got into this situation with my parents (in their 80's and it was really difficult to do all the tasks they needed/wanted). But if this person is in their 20's it will never stop and probably get worse.

CSIblonde · 28/11/2021 13:30

I think in the nicest possible way you are enbling their learned helplessness. Time for them to learn the basic life skills that they are outsourcing to you.

CSIblonde · 28/11/2021 13:32
  • enabling ( heatings buggered & fingers are frozen)
Shoxfordian · 28/11/2021 13:32

Say no more often
Don’t pander to them

WaitingForSunshineAndDaisies · 28/11/2021 13:36

Does he want your time + attention for some reason? In which case, maybe don't do these things but give him your time in some other way?

Sexnotgender · 28/11/2021 13:37

They won’t use their card online? But expect you to use yours? Why is your card safe but theirs isn’t. That’s just cheeky and I’d tell them to take a hike.

wavingwhilstdrowning · 28/11/2021 13:37

It's a man, obviously. BIL is like this, MIL laps it up and is at his beck and call. Even does him a daily packed lunch - he is 50 and MIL 80!
Just stop doing it and tell him too, he'll thank you in the long run :)

Santaischeckinglists · 28/11/2021 13:37

Lazy arsed bratty twat?

WaitingForSunshineAndDaisies · 28/11/2021 13:38

By the way, lots of people with ASD have a degree, job and social life - it doesn't stop those things if they're high functioning (as someone who's about to pack her ASD son to Uni).

Masugamanuts · 28/11/2021 13:42

@StopGo

Stop enabling them, have better boundaries.
This.
AnneLovesGilbert · 28/11/2021 13:42

Are his parents still around? Why has this fallen to you? It’s your DP’s family so his problem, don’t get involved.

Concestor · 28/11/2021 13:42

@Notsomerryandbright

No there's no SEN. He has a degree, is highly educated and has always had a decent job. No autism or social difficulties, he has a good social life with lots of friends, just very restricted in other ways.

They had the same upbringing as my dh and he is fully functional. I know it sounds judgemental but I'm really not and do try to help, I do care and love him very much. I dont even think it's anxiety related, he does do things. He will go on holiday with friends but would pay over the odds for a package holiday instead of booking flight and hotel because its better.

I don't know how to help him. We could be less available but then from past experience whatever they need/want would just wait until we had time. I don't know how to say I think you need to start being more independent without offending or having him laugh it off.

I think it's going to hold him back massively though because I don't think many prospective partners would find it appealing having to baby someone his age through certain things

None of those things mean there's no SEN. I'm educated, have had decent jobs, have friends and a social life. I was diagnosed autistic last year.

He definitely has autistic traits, I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss it.

However, you also don't have to do things for him if you don't want to, but I would be very concerned about him and his ability to cope with life, personally, and would be urging him to look into what might lie behind it.

SEN or not, he needs coping mechanisms to help him navigate life.

tulips27 · 28/11/2021 13:45

I had a friend who "didn't know how" to use her cards online, despite me offering lots of solutions such as using a credit card with online shopping protection or having a separate account with a small amount to limit any loss etc.

A few weeks into the pandemic and faced with no other choice (she's CEV) and suddenly she worked it out somehow. Hmm

WhenSepEnds · 28/11/2021 13:49

@Notsomerryandbright

How do you broach family members who can't deal with everyday things in life?

I mean things like family members who can drive, have a car but won't go beyond their immediate vicinity so ask for lifts/ collections but are very picky about when etc.

Storm damage yesterday but they won't call a handyman or tradespeople so ask us so we had to go round in the afternoon.

Have debit cards but refuse to use them online because it's not safe so ask us to order and then get given cash.

They aren't even old which is the most frustrating thing, late 20s, so it's just incompetence. They don't have a partner and lives alone with his cats.

I'm not begrudging helping people we love but it just feels like these are things that adults should be able to do independently!

I would tell them how to do something if they didn't know and if they were still asking you to do it for them, I would say 'well now you know as much as I do .....'
NowEvenBetter · 28/11/2021 13:54

If he’d laugh off you saying no, laugh off his demands. Ridiculous that you’ve allowed this situation. Say nah. Don’t provide any lists or arse wiping or excuses. Ffs.

daisypond · 28/11/2021 14:09

He will go on holiday with friends but would pay over the odds for a package holiday instead of booking flight and hotel because its better.

That’s normal, though. Lots of people pay extra for package holidays - there’s lots of advantages to them. The other things could be executive function disorder. Not saying that they are, but they could be. I find a lot of everyday living extremely difficult, and I have several degrees and hold down a job.

ESGdance · 28/11/2021 14:12

@Notsomerryandbright

No there's no SEN. He has a degree, is highly educated and has always had a decent job. No autism or social difficulties, he has a good social life with lots of friends, just very restricted in other ways.

They had the same upbringing as my dh and he is fully functional. I know it sounds judgemental but I'm really not and do try to help, I do care and love him very much. I dont even think it's anxiety related, he does do things. He will go on holiday with friends but would pay over the odds for a package holiday instead of booking flight and hotel because its better.

I don't know how to help him. We could be less available but then from past experience whatever they need/want would just wait until we had time. I don't know how to say I think you need to start being more independent without offending or having him laugh it off.

I think it's going to hold him back massively though because I don't think many prospective partners would find it appealing having to baby someone his age through certain things

“I don't know how to say I think you need to start being more independent without offending or having him laugh it off.”

Is it you scared of asserting yourself, responding with very normal boundaries or have you seen this difficult humiliating or defensive / dysfunctional emotional response from him before?

Are you all tip-toeing around him?

Or are you tip-toeing around your DH?

Have you had the conversation with your DH?

None of this needs to be confrontational - just calm, repeated No and/or sign post how to do something once - if you know it’s for his own benefit to learn new stuff then you will feel better about standing your ground if that’s a problem for you - or if you know he is volatile / sulky / manipulative / controlling / exploitative - then you need the same approach to protect yourself …..