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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Incompetent family members

116 replies

Notsomerryandbright · 28/11/2021 11:44

How do you broach family members who can't deal with everyday things in life?

I mean things like family members who can drive, have a car but won't go beyond their immediate vicinity so ask for lifts/ collections but are very picky about when etc.

Storm damage yesterday but they won't call a handyman or tradespeople so ask us so we had to go round in the afternoon.

Have debit cards but refuse to use them online because it's not safe so ask us to order and then get given cash.

They aren't even old which is the most frustrating thing, late 20s, so it's just incompetence. They don't have a partner and lives alone with his cats.

I'm not begrudging helping people we love but it just feels like these are things that adults should be able to do independently!

OP posts:
TheCovidScoorge · 28/11/2021 14:19

He sounds a bit like me!

I have a car, I can drive but I won't drive further than a few miles because of crippling aniexty.

I would be patient and explain they can use their debit card online without problems and maybe ask them to make a purchase and see for themselves. Once the initial worry is proven wrong, they should feel better.

Have they been tested for autism? Because that alone I can see traits.

HarveyandGarvey · 28/11/2021 14:20

The obvious question is, have you addressed it with him, not in a confrontational way, but in a gentle probing way?

What does he say if so?

Some people - especially well-educated people with good jobs - are very very embarrassed and reluctant to admit to suffering from anxiety. It is a question of pride (wierdly when they are not too proud to ask for help).

Or were they always indulged as a child and he is still playing out that role perhaps? Some people as adults can "revert" to the role they played as a child in the family hierarchy.

Surely if you question "why" he won't use on-line banking or suggest he gets some support with driving lessons outside of his local area (driving schools offer lessons to returnee drivers with licenses) then he will get the hint that you are not that keen on doing things for him that he can do for himself?

TheCovidScoorge · 28/11/2021 14:21

Also the car thing.

Show them routes they can take on the bus/train/tram to the places they want to go too. Make yourself unavailable to take them, and hopefully he gets the courage to use the routes you've shown.

HarveyandGarvey · 28/11/2021 14:22

Buy them a gps for Christmas? Smile

Missmissmiiiiiiiiisss · 28/11/2021 14:30

If this is someone close to you then I’d spend a bit more time walking it through with them e.g helping them register their card for Amazon and Tesco, talking through with them the fraud policies of their bank, helping them access pass plus so they have more confidence with driving etc.
Sounds like they could have an undiagnosed condition either anxiety or anxiety as a symptom of another condition. I’d be compassionate, patient with baby steps, proactively helpful etc but I wouldn’t just proper up the status quo with no change whatsoever.

RampantIvy · 28/11/2021 14:31

@HarveyandGarvey

Buy them a gps for Christmas? Smile
SIL got one as a birthday present one year and has never used it. She just won't drive anywhere unfamiliar.
julieca · 28/11/2021 14:31

I think you need to help them resolve this. Because IME although people are more understanding of young people failing to cope, they are not with older people. They simply wont get the help when older.

TiddlesTheTiger · 28/11/2021 14:38

they won't ... so we had to go round in the afternoon.

You didn't have to - you chose to.

Tell him to get a credit card and use it only online.
If he thinks it's risky to buy online, why would he ask you to do it?
He can buy stuff in shops, if he doesn't like online.

People are giving you lots of good advice but you don't sound as if you want to take it - just like your family member.

Thadhiya · 28/11/2021 14:41

I wouldn't even entertain them. I'd just laugh and say no. I have a helpless relative like this, but everyone just says to get off her lazy arse and no one does the things they ask. If someone wants a servant they can go and hire one. You all need to learn to say 'no' more often.

itsallgoingpearshaped · 28/11/2021 15:01

Just say no. tough love

Daleksatemyshed · 28/11/2021 15:10

Since they have no SN then you need to be less available Op. Lots of people saying you need to walk them through things but if they are University educated they must know what needs doing, just much easier to let you do it for them. Stop now or you'll be at their beck and call forever.

Cameleongirl · 28/11/2021 15:23

Certain things like driving outside familiar areas and ordering online can be learned with a bit of help - could his brother say that he's willing to accompany him on some longer drives to practice and perhaps suggest that he gets a credit card for online orders as they offer better protection from fraud.

Re. Home repairs. He'll need to start hiring people if he can't learn how to do it himself. I'm not very handy, but there are lots of great videos on Youtube demonstrating how to do DIY, even I've managed to do some things using them. If I really can't figure it out, I hire someone.

SpaceshiptoMars · 28/11/2021 15:41

Is your brother Sheldon Cooper? (BBT)

Muchmorethan · 28/11/2021 15:50

I think a gentle retreat is needed.

So instead of sorting out the storm damage, give him the number of who you use..... he then knows they are "safe" .. and leave him to contact them.

Grey rock approach if he asks you to sort it out. i.e "can't you phone them?" "No you have the number" "but why" " because you have the number too" "I'll wait till you can do it" " l won't as you have the number" etc

lanthanum · 28/11/2021 16:11

I agree with Muchmorethan - wean him off the help by giving him the first step - the phone number of a suitable tradesperson, a link to advice on how to use online payments safely, etc.

Driving - broach with him what the issue is. If he is lacking in confidence, then perhaps you can suggest he gives you a lift somewhere, so that he can have some practice with someone beside him (I know I appreciated that when I was a new driver). Or would a couple of lessons with a local driving instructor be useful, as a refresher?

ufucoffee · 28/11/2021 16:20

People like him really annoy me. He has choices in life. He is capable of making choices. People doing things for him are enabling him. So what if the things that need doing don't get done because you don't go round. His choice. Won't drive out of immediate vicinity? Then things he wants don't get picked up, that's his fault. He sounds like a child and your kindness is keeping him a child.

Original poster
Notsomerryandbright · 28/11/2021 16:52

@ufucoffee that's exactly how I do view him. There are only 5 years between us but he is like a teenager on the brink of stepping out into life.

Dh and I both moved out for uni at 18 and didn't look back, learnt everything along the way. I think because he stayed home he's never truly become an adult in the sense of being independent, and for some reason is also completely hesitant to do it.

I think being less available is the only real solution without making him feel like there's something wrong with him. Dh has offered before to accompany him on different routes driving etc but it's always a flat no thanks. It such a shame he has so much freedom at his finger tips but won't take it.

The latest saga is his sofa which was second hand and is on the way out. The springs have come through the bottom underneath, he's seen a nice one online but doesn't want to apply for credit because, again he doesn't use it and doesn't trust it. I mean it's great that he's got no debt but there are some occasions where it just makes sense to take the credit and pay it off later instead of sitting on a pile of broken springs.

OP posts:
ESGdance · 28/11/2021 16:54

What were the parents like?
Are they still around?
Do they do stuff - or just your DH?

NoSquirrels · 28/11/2021 16:59

The latest saga is his sofa which was second hand and is on the way out. The springs have come through the bottom underneath, he's seen a nice one online but doesn't want to apply for credit because, again he doesn't use it and doesn't trust it. I mean it's great that he's got no debt but there are some occasions where it just makes sense to take the credit and pay it off later instead of sitting on a pile of broken springs.

But this isn’t a saga, and barely even a problem. He can choose not to get credit and save up, then buy a sofa outright with cash in a shop if he prefers. Why get involved?

LawnFever · 28/11/2021 17:04

The latest saga is his sofa which was second hand and is on the way out. The springs have come through the bottom underneath, he's seen a nice one online but doesn't want to apply for credit because, again he doesn't use it and doesn't trust it.

Why does this have to involve you? Is he asking you to take the credit out for him?

If he mentions it again just say he can apply for the credit, put up with it until he’s saved up the money or buy something cheaper - none of the options need to involve anyone else.

Totalwasteofpaper · 28/11/2021 17:16

You are part of the problem and acting as an enabler.
You really need to stop it's terrible for him.
Long term you really aren't helping him or yourself.

Storm damage yesterday but they won't call a handyman or tradespeople so ask us so we had to go round in the afternoon.
You: "Sorry I am busy handyman details are X they are the best to speak to as I don't know."
If you do get talked into going over to have a look "Oh gosh damage looks bad not sure how you fix that...maybe get a professional."
Do not engage Beyond that.

Have debit cards but refuse to use them online because it's not safe so ask us to order and then get given cash
Set up online banking - help them apply for a credit card. Leave them to it. Let them go to shops or shop online.
Do not engage.

The sofa
He can apply for credit or he saves and waits. You are so sympathetic but can't help.
If he doesn't want to do that he needs to work out his budget and pick a different sofa.

These are not your problems
Stop accepting the monkeys off his back.

HestersSamplerofCarrots · 28/11/2021 17:23

Then he’s going to get a sore arse or sit on the floor then isn’t he? 🤷🏻‍♀️

MzHz · 28/11/2021 17:30

@FinallyHere

they won't ... so we had to go round in the afternoon.

What would happen if you responded in a different way?

You can't really expect someone to change their ways when they achieve exactly the results they want.

Why would they change?

Yeah EXACTLY

The reason they’re like this is because of mugs like you @Notsomerryandbright

Say no, sorry, no can do…

Every sodding time.

Muchmorethan · 28/11/2021 17:32

Totally agree with the fact you're enabling him by continuing to do stuff.

Again with the Credit Card situation, where does he shop? If Tesco, could he take out their one as they're a reputable company.

Or the same one that your DH has - note l said DH - as this needs to be his problem and not yours .... so DB again has the reassurance that if DH has it then it's "ok"

DinoWoman · 28/11/2021 17:33

You're enabling him...you don't need to say or do anything but say 'That's not going to work for me'.

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