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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Incompetent family members

116 replies

Notsomerryandbright · 28/11/2021 11:44

How do you broach family members who can't deal with everyday things in life?

I mean things like family members who can drive, have a car but won't go beyond their immediate vicinity so ask for lifts/ collections but are very picky about when etc.

Storm damage yesterday but they won't call a handyman or tradespeople so ask us so we had to go round in the afternoon.

Have debit cards but refuse to use them online because it's not safe so ask us to order and then get given cash.

They aren't even old which is the most frustrating thing, late 20s, so it's just incompetence. They don't have a partner and lives alone with his cats.

I'm not begrudging helping people we love but it just feels like these are things that adults should be able to do independently!

OP posts:
RobotValkyrie · 28/11/2021 12:31

Doesn't sound like incompetence, sounds like some kind of mental disability. E.g. anxiety: fear of driving in unfamiliar settings, fear of talking to strangers, fear of using card online...
They sound unwell.

Camii · 28/11/2021 12:35

If they aren't ill or disabled in some way -sign post but do not help/enable

Original poster
Notsomerryandbright · 28/11/2021 12:40

No there's no SEN. He has a degree, is highly educated and has always had a decent job. No autism or social difficulties, he has a good social life with lots of friends, just very restricted in other ways.

They had the same upbringing as my dh and he is fully functional. I know it sounds judgemental but I'm really not and do try to help, I do care and love him very much. I dont even think it's anxiety related, he does do things. He will go on holiday with friends but would pay over the odds for a package holiday instead of booking flight and hotel because its better.

I don't know how to help him. We could be less available but then from past experience whatever they need/want would just wait until we had time. I don't know how to say I think you need to start being more independent without offending or having him laugh it off.

I think it's going to hold him back massively though because I don't think many prospective partners would find it appealing having to baby someone his age through certain things

OP posts:
DaisyNGO · 28/11/2021 12:43

Say no.

I have two friends who were asked to do the same by brothers. What is that about? You just have to say no.

AnnaMagnani · 28/11/2021 12:45

Ah, has he pinned you as his new mum? Get your DH to have a word with his brother and tell him to grow up and sort himself out.

NoSquirrels · 28/11/2021 12:47

Storm damage - fine to want a second opinion or a bit of help. Both me and my DH would appreciate that and we have each other and are in our 40s - it’s not an everyday thing.

Lifts but picky about when - say no or only offer at your own convenience. They drive, they can sort it out.

Online ordering etc, just say no. And keep saying no.

If he wants to pay over the odds for a holiday then it’s his money. Stop giving a shit!

Palavah · 28/11/2021 12:49

He will go on holiday with friends but would pay over the odds for a package holiday instead of booking flight and hotel because its better.

Plenty of people do this - it's a legitimate choice, non-issue.

If you're concerned why don't you stop babying him through these things, so he works it out himself?

NoSquirrels · 28/11/2021 12:51

I don't know how to help him. We could be less available but then from past experience whatever they need/want would just wait until we had time. I don't know how to say I think you need to start being more independent without offending or having him laugh it off.

You don’t need to help him. You can just let him figure it out. So what if it waits til he sees you? You can say ‘haven’t you sorted that already?’ and say no (again) if he’s still expecting you to do it. Stop ‘having time’ at all - it’s only inconveniencing him then.

And you don’t need to tell him to be more independent- you just need to stop enabling his dependence.

DingDongDenny · 28/11/2021 12:52

Next time he asks for help for something he should be doing himself, just reply 'You are an adult, time to start doing these things for yourself' and repeat every time

MatildaIThink · 28/11/2021 12:53

The key is to stop enabling them.

ThinWomansBrain · 28/11/2021 12:56

Storm damage - possibly an exception; were you working with him to repair it, or did he sit there watching and do sod all?

Stop babying him - just say there's no reason why he can't do these things, and you're not doing them going forward - and say No - to everything.

Alternatively, plague him with numerous requests to do stuff for you.

LagunaBubbles · 28/11/2021 12:58

How will he learn to be independent if he has you at his back and call doing everything for him? I dont get why you are enabling him?Confused

HestersSamplerofCarrots · 28/11/2021 12:59

I assume this is your husband’s brother.

The only way to stop this is to to stop enabling it.

Say no and mean it. If it gets left, until you are available, don’t be available and make sure he knows your no is a hard no. Point out the logical - and bloody rude - flaws in some of his reasoning: “so it’s not safe for you to use your card online but you want us to take that risk? But bloody rude!”

And make your husband have a hard conversation with him. You’re not his parents, and even if you were, you’d expect a 20 of year old man to be doing stuff this for himself so he needs to stop expecting you to scaffold him through life.

lockdownalli · 28/11/2021 12:59

You need much better boundaries. Just say no, sorry can't help you.

Then sit back and let it be. Drop the rope.

So what if he books holidays differently to how you do? Leaves storm damage for ages? You have to let it all go and disengage.

HestersSamplerofCarrots · 28/11/2021 13:00

He’s a cheeky fucker. But you’re the problem by letting him be one.

Snugglepumpkin · 28/11/2021 13:01

They will never stop unless you stop helping.

My parents were 'totally incapable' of using things like online banking until Covid hit & they are both CEV.
I live hundreds of miles away & I'd get a phone call to ask if I could order something & get it delivered to them, then they'd go to the bank & transfer the money into my account.

Nobody else could go round & do these things for them when we were in lockdown & they couldn't insist on going into the bank to pay bills in person anymore (or to transfer money after getting someone else to do online things)

Suddenly they have online banking, online supermarket deliveries, can shop all over the internet & actually find it easier than going to the bank & shops ever was.

Practicebeingpatient · 28/11/2021 13:01

My aunt is like this. Just be too busy. He will manage.

DaisyNGO · 28/11/2021 13:03

If it's your BIL then any conversation is down to your DH, surely?

Even easier for you not to be involved.

Jux · 28/11/2021 13:03

You're busy.
You don't know how to do that.
You could do it on Wednesday, maybe, but no promises.
Your head's in the wrong place for that.
You've hurt your shoulder so you can't.
Not this time.

Or just 'Sorry, you're a grown up and are more than capable of doing it yourself.'

WallaceinAnderland · 28/11/2021 13:04

OP you are actually the problem. Learn to say no and he will be fine.

blusteredbirds · 28/11/2021 13:04

This is so extreme that I wonder if they have underlying issues, such an anxiety or some undiagnosed condition.

Riverlee · 28/11/2021 13:04

Just say no.

If things aren’t fixed, that’s his problem, not yours.

If they need to travel further, they can get a bus, train or taxi. They may moan it will cost money, but it’s costing you time and money to transport them.

Don’t make his problems your responsibility.

NellieBertram · 28/11/2021 13:10

Sounds like he's missed out on a bit of parenting - you know, when your mum makes you go and pay for something at the till or ask for the menus in a cafe even though you don't want to?
He's become used to people doing this stuff for him.

I'd do a bit of tough love parenting, pretend he's a teenager.
First time, go round and show him - look, here's how we put your card details on your laptop, now you can use it to shop online. Here's the number for a handyman, I'll sit with you while you call them.
Next time he asks, refer him back to the things you helped him set up last time.

DaisyNGO · 28/11/2021 13:10

@blusteredbirds

This is so extreme that I wonder if they have underlying issues, such an anxiety or some undiagnosed condition.
Sadly the older I get, the more I see this behaviour. With some folk, if can turn other people into their PA, they will.

My parents are in their 80s and a lot of friends in their age group have given up driving. They no longer have the coat of running a car but they're not familiar with taxis. They can ring my parents and ask for lifts though, even to things my parents aren't attending.

DaisyNGO · 28/11/2021 13:11

Coat? Cost!