Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Incompetent family members

116 replies

Notsomerryandbright · 28/11/2021 11:44

How do you broach family members who can't deal with everyday things in life?

I mean things like family members who can drive, have a car but won't go beyond their immediate vicinity so ask for lifts/ collections but are very picky about when etc.

Storm damage yesterday but they won't call a handyman or tradespeople so ask us so we had to go round in the afternoon.

Have debit cards but refuse to use them online because it's not safe so ask us to order and then get given cash.

They aren't even old which is the most frustrating thing, late 20s, so it's just incompetence. They don't have a partner and lives alone with his cats.

I'm not begrudging helping people we love but it just feels like these are things that adults should be able to do independently!

OP posts:
Floogal · 28/11/2021 17:33

Tell them to use PayPal if they're dubious about online shopping. They also can support if things go wrong

NeverDropYourMooncup · 28/11/2021 17:35

Sounds like he wasn't allowed to grow up because he was the youngest. Probably had a constant narrative of 'oh, you aren't any good at that, I'll do it'.

If you asked my DNA sharers, I'm an utter incompetent who should probably not be allowed to dress or feed herself without paramedics on standby and every attempt to do something as a child/teenager was met with 'you can't do that, you'll just break it/burn the house down/damage yourself/we know what you're like'.

DP, who is admittedly shit with anything that involves spatial awareness (so he wouldn't drive) or anything more complex than a single, linear approach to a task, grew up in a kinder version - but it still came down to 'you're crap, best not even try'.

The difference between the two of us is that I'm a bloodyminded old besom who knew very early on I couldn't trust the abusive morons in my 'home' to tell me the sky was blue, so didn't accept their opinion of my abilities, whilst DP was loved and encouraged to never try because he'd only fail and they wanted him to not feel bad about himself - so he didn't have the automatic distrust of anything he'd been told about himself that I did.

Two children in the same house can equally grow up in a completely different family with different roles given to them - your DP could have been The Eldest, the Helper, the Sensible One, the One Who Copes whilst his DB was The Baby, the Hard Work, the Silly One, the Clumsy One or some other such label.

I'm not suggesting that you keep him in that incompetent and helpless role, but I'm also not suggesting you refuse to help him at all; what he needs is firm but kind 'I'll show you how to do it if you need to, that way you can do it yourself from now on'. And then if he refuses, it's fine to say 'I've shown you how to do it, now it's your turn, it'll be fine' because you aren't just leaving him to sink or swim.

GabriellaMontez · 28/11/2021 17:41

If it doesn't get done just leave it. If he wants it done badly enough he will.

Why are you worrying about what a potential partner may think?! Indeed Why should anyone be interested in him? Does he even want one?! Stop babying him. You're not his mum or slave.

NowEvenBetter · 28/11/2021 17:41

Ah well, his sofa, his problem.

VainAbigail · 28/11/2021 17:55

They had the same upbringing as my dh

So he’s your BIL. What does your husband say to him about it?

maddiemookins16mum · 28/11/2021 18:06

I’d think that was very unusual for someone in their 20s to be honest. Do they work?

BycullahRoad · 28/11/2021 18:43

Actually this sounds just like me. I have exactly these sort of problems, albeit with different issues, since my parents passed away. It's as if I have forgotten how to learn as technology changes. I'm OK with Amazon and eBay but I won't use other online shops and I have never successfully worked out how to use a parking app. This evening I have been baffled as to what a QR code is and how it might be used in relation to oversea travel, and I genuinely don't feel confident enough to take a flight by myself with all the new rules. I like to have someone whom I can ask and have nearby for reassurance, and if I don't have someone to ask then I just stay indoors. So all I can say is, maybe he is not incompetent, but maybe he actually does need help.

FinallyHere · 28/11/2021 19:57

maybe he actually does need help.

Maybe he does.

He is never going to find out whether he can do things if OP and her DH jump at every point and sort it all out for him.

At least give him a chance to try. If it doesn't work, he can try something else.

That's how most of us learned to adult.

giggly · 28/11/2021 22:59

@Notsomerryandbright

No there's no SEN. He has a degree, is highly educated and has always had a decent job. No autism or social difficulties, he has a good social life with lots of friends, just very restricted in other ways.

They had the same upbringing as my dh and he is fully functional. I know it sounds judgemental but I'm really not and do try to help, I do care and love him very much. I dont even think it's anxiety related, he does do things. He will go on holiday with friends but would pay over the odds for a package holiday instead of booking flight and hotel because its better.

I don't know how to help him. We could be less available but then from past experience whatever they need/want would just wait until we had time. I don't know how to say I think you need to start being more independent without offending or having him laugh it off.

I think it's going to hold him back massively though because I don't think many prospective partners would find it appealing having to baby someone his age through certain things

I’m really hoping op that your not suggesting that people with NDD don’t have degrees do not hold down excellent careers have many friends etc. I’ll stand by my original post.
NovemberNovemberDarkNights · 28/11/2021 23:31

@BourbonScreams

Hahaha sorry *@NovemberNovemberDarkNights* but I love your "confit zone" typo
@BourbonScreams

My phone has a northern accent 🤣🤣

It like to jeep instead of keep too 🤦🏻‍♀️

HollaHolla · 28/11/2021 23:37

This sounds like my colleague’s DP. He calls her at work, to get her to make his doctor’s appointments. 🤦🏻‍♀️ he’s an utterly useless man baby, who is totally enabled by my colleague.
If you stop being so available/helpful, he’ll have to get more competent at life.

Marvellousmadness · 29/11/2021 01:59

Stop enabling this behaviour and start by saying no

..

diddl · 29/11/2021 10:16

Well it sounds to me as if it's not help he wants but it actually doing for him!

GnomeDePlume · 29/11/2021 11:12

From experience this will get worse as he ages.

My DB is like this but with the added 'advantage' that he doesnt drive and expects lifts. There are no reasons for him not driving other than he was offended that driving didnt come naturally to him and is too tight to pay for lessons or pay to own a car. He despises car ownership but wants other people to give him lifts.

As he has got older (now late 50s) he has got worse. A form of paranoia has crept in. He wont do online banking in case of fraud. He wont use tap and go in shops. He would still far rather pay for something by cheque - he likes holding up queues to do this. Any type of tradesman is also viewed with suspicion and an assumption that they are trying to pull a fast one. This affects the way he deals with people so funnily enough he ends up with poor service which then feeds the paranoia.

To him, this inability to do things for himself is because he sees practical competence as being for 'little' people. He is so much better than the people who work stuff out for themselves.

HoldmecloseTonyDanza · 29/11/2021 16:29

That's a very sad story Gnome, all of his own making though I guess.

Triffid1 · 29/11/2021 16:37

Either he is neuro diverse in some way and it's never been addressed OR this is learned behaviour. Either way, you and your DH are not doing him any favours. This needs to be a firm, but friendly conversation, "BIL, the things you refuse to do are things that the vast bulk of the population, especially at your age, can do. We will not continue to do these things for you. If you feel you really really can't do them, then you have to acknowledge there is a problem and we will help you to get assessed for the support you need."

Because I'm a big believe in the old, "god helps those who help themselves". So if he has anxiety or perhaps ASD, then he needs to seek help. If he is just useless, he needs to stop being so demanding of you and your DH.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread