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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friends 18 month old baby

128 replies

Lizibetz · 28/11/2021 09:23

Friend has an 18 month old daughter. She’s a climber and will literally climb on anything. We have arranged walks in the park which have ended in major tantrums as the baby refuses to go into her pram and wants to walk everywhere and will scream as soon as she’s picked up. Refuses to hold adults hand … isn’t happy unless allowed to walk and climb. Friend takes her to soft play quite a bit and baby is constantly trying to climb up things she’s too young for and screams if you try and help her or remove her. Took her swimming and she fights to get away from adult as she wants to swim by herself or walk off away from the pool etc. (She can’t swim) she has ended up under the water a couple of times as she’s caused such a fuss that her mum has accidentally dropped her or she’s slipped from her hands.

Her mum recently bought her a dolls pram which she pushed around for a few minutes and then tried to climb in it, it folded up on her and she ended up stuck in it screaming as her mum tried to free her. A few weeks ago she had managed to climb onto a window ledge after manoeuvring a sofa, a toy box and a blow up unicorn all whilst her mum was 2 minutes preparing her lunch in the kitchen.

Anyway, my point - I’d originally agreed to look after baby once mum goes back to work but now I’m scared of the thought! She’s lovely but very hard work, fiercely independent - I don’t remember babies being like this. She’s an accident waiting to happen! Is this even normal for her age? I feel like I need to say something but if this is normal behaviour then I’d be unreasonable to do so!

OP posts:

Thehop · 28/11/2021 09:27

Back out of this arrangement ASAP.

“June is absolutely lovely, but I’ve seen how fiercely independent and spirited she is. There’s no way I am experienced enough to be able to guarantee she’s safe at the moment. I’m sorry. Happy to help you look for a nursery, and babysit on an evening if you need it”

Tee20x · 28/11/2021 09:29

This sounds awful - yes back out. Might be an awkward conversation but better to tell her now so that she can make other arrangements.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/11/2021 09:30

The climbing I recognise 😂😂😭. Mine (twins) could push stuff to climb onto to get higher before they could walk. I don't know if it's normal but it's bloody annoying lol. It really is about supervision, mitigating risks (kids chair often end up in the hallway) and accepting if they got up they can probably get down.

If you do have her, reins for walks, smaller soft play (the kind linked to pubs are good) and agree a trial period

How long would you be having her and where?

ThirdElephant · 28/11/2021 09:31

I think you'd be being unreasonable to imply there is a problem with her behaviour, as she sounds normal to me, just a bit free-spirited and energetic. You would not be unreasonable to renege on the agreement- something like @Thehop's suggestion should work.

gogohm · 28/11/2021 09:33

Reins for walks, playpen for preparation of food and if all fails the electronic babysitter

She sounds normal to me

Babynames2 · 28/11/2021 09:34

It’s normal for some toddlers. She sounds exactly like my DD2, is found her strolling along the window ledge just after she turned 1, having climbed several things to get up there. DD1 was never a climber so she took me by surprise.

I would rethink the arrangement and talk to your friend, are you supposed to be looking after her at your home or hers? I wouldn’t want to be toddler proofing my house if I were you as we’ve had to move quite a few things round to prevent DD2s climbing, I wouldn’t want to have to do that for a child who doesn’t like here.

LIZS · 28/11/2021 09:35

Agree she sounds like a normal toddler. Just say you had underestimated how much supervision and attention a toddler requires to keep them safe and no longer feel capable. Does she have other options or are you letting her down last minute?

tallduckandhandsome · 28/11/2021 09:36

YANBU, I wouldn’t be able to do it, it sounds exhausting just reading it!

Are you being paid a proper wage to provide childcare?

NellieBertram · 28/11/2021 09:37

Definitely normal but sounds like hard work, so if you don’t want to do it, don’t.

She might be better in a nursery where the environment is safe and there are lots of adults on hand.

Original poster

Lizibetz · 28/11/2021 09:37

She is lovely and a very funny child but you just can’t keep her down 😂 in summer friend suggested we take her on the peddle boats in the park on the lake and I visibly recoiled in horror … can you imagine?!
She doesn’t like to play with other children and will actually avoid them … this means that when you take her to a child friendly environment if other kids are there she will want to wander off and do her own thing … so she starts heading off away from the play area and will scream if you pick her up or grab her. I just can’t think of anywhere safe to take her where we could avoid these tantrums. Mutual friend suggested just taking her to the countryside and letting her walk around at her own leisure 😂 but with the weather turning now it’s getting even more difficult.

OP posts:

HardbackWriter · 28/11/2021 09:38

I think it was pretty extraordinarily generous of you to offer to look after a friend's baby while she worked in the first place, but you need to tell her as soon as you can if you now realise it wasn't a realistic plan. I wouldn't make it about her child's behaviour, just say that you've realised you aren't going to be able to do it. Realistically she's going to be quite upset if she thinks childcare is sorted and now it isn't, so you need to be prepared for that (and to stand firm!)

CloverField · 28/11/2021 09:39

She sounds completely normal and will soon move onto doing other things. If you do back out of childcare please make sure you give the mum enough notice to alter budgets, arrange other childcare, make adjustments at work as it can be a nightmare for parents.

DinosApple · 28/11/2021 09:39

I had a couple of climbers too- who didn't scream, and it's hard work. Back out now, or reduce the commitment!

DD1 could climb out of her cot at 13 months. We had gates on lots of doors and she could pull herself over them very young too. She used to wriggle out of the high chair straps and could be stood on its tray in a blink, definitely by 12 months. It runs in the family though, my grandma put a lid on my aunt's cot after she was found on a second storey window ledge!

Hufflepuff21 · 28/11/2021 09:42

This sounds exactly like my DS2. DS1 was completely different and very chilled so I'm pretty out of my depth! I think YANBU to back out of the arrangement if you're not comfortable.

didihearthatright123456 · 28/11/2021 09:43

@SleepingStandingUp

If you do have her, reins for walks, smaller soft play (the kind linked to pubs are good) and agree a trial period

How long would you be having her and where?

I have twin girls and the climbing is insane at times. They are fearless and no matter what I do they will find a way to climb.

I think they definitely get confidence from each other

username1724 · 28/11/2021 09:43

My 15 month old is the same and all the people who helped with our eldest (lazy) child have disappeared sharpish with this one as he is just incredibly hard work. Tbh though it is a safety thing too, I dont think I'd trust anyone with him. I'd swing the safety thing and say that you don't feel comfortable with looking after her. As difficult as it has been for us I fully understand why people have backed off, im in complete life saver mode from the second hes up and trying to climb out of the cot and one lapse of attention is enough for him to really get into a situation. I too have wondered if its normal but HV doesn't seem concerned for us.

Cuwins · 28/11/2021 09:43

Have you had her on your own at all? Some kids are completely different away from their parents. Maybe suggest a couple of trial- short periods?

Tiredmum100 · 28/11/2021 09:44

I read your OP and thought that all sounded like normal behaviour for an 18 month old 😂🤷‍♀️. Both my ds were climbers, and ds2 had some right tantrums at things. Anyway agree with other posters, you need to let your friend know ASAP you can no longer look after her child so she can find alternative arrangements.

LawnFever · 28/11/2021 09:45

I think her behaviour is pretty normal, if exhausting!

But that doesn’t mean you need to take on responsibility for child care, just explain you’re not confident looking after her.

In the swimming pool, couldn’t she have arm bands on?

villainousbroodmare · 28/11/2021 09:47

She sound normal but bloody hard work. My DTs now 3.5yo are like this - it still requires two adults to take them out. Nobody who hasn't had the experience would realize how difficult they are to mind. Back out asap and give her a chance to find a suitable ringmaster pro.

PicaK · 28/11/2021 09:47

She sounds exactly like my kids were! Trying to prep lunch or pop off to have a shower just didn't happen.
Is she a friend or your daughter?
Just be honest and say you're not sure you can cope. Blame your age.

nokidshere · 28/11/2021 09:49

She is lovely and a very funny child but you just can’t keep her down 😂 in summer friend suggested we take her on the peddle boats in the park on the lake and I visibly recoiled in horror … can you imagine?! She doesn’t like to play with other children and will actually avoid them … this means that when you take her to a child friendly environment if other kids are there she will want to wander off and do her own thing … so she starts heading off away from the play area and will scream if you pick her up or grab her. I just can’t think of anywhere safe to take her where we could avoid these tantrums. Mutual friend suggested just taking her to the countryside and letting her walk around at her own leisure 😂 but with the weather turning now it’s getting even more difficult.

Will you be having her one on one? She's sounds absolutely normal for an 18 month old. Children play alone at that age alongside other children but not usually with them. If you are just having her then if she wants to walk away from the play area you can let her. At that age open space, a ball, some puddles, everything is interesting and attention span is short. Your mutual friend is right, with appropriate clothing and space to wander she will probably have a ball. Indoors you can distract and make safe spaces for her to explore.

All this depends on what other commitments you would have when looking after her.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 28/11/2021 09:49

One of mine was like this. Had to turn their cots into beds at 11 months as I found her asleep in her sisters cot one morning .

Hard enough when they’re your own so I wouldn’t volunteer with someone else’s!!

TheOccupier · 28/11/2021 09:57

I would put her in a mudsuit and go to the park (rather than a playground) every day, rain or shine... But it's going to be hard work. YANBU to rethink providing childcare.

Fet2021duejuly2022 · 28/11/2021 10:01

Sounds like a toddler. I have one and she’s amazing I really love looking after her but I don’t want to look after someone else’s child. Back out now!

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