Friends 18 month old baby

[Lizibetz]

Friend has an 18 month old daughter. She’s a climber and will literally climb on anything. We have arranged walks in the park which have ended in major tantrums as the baby refuses to go into her pram and wants to walk everywhere and will scream as soon as she’s picked up. Refuses to hold adults hand … isn’t happy unless allowed to walk and climb. Friend takes her to soft play quite a bit and baby is constantly trying to climb up things she’s too young for and screams if you try and help her or remove her. Took her swimming and she fights to get away from adult as she wants to swim by herself or walk off away from the pool etc. (She can’t swim) she has ended up under the water a couple of times as she’s caused such a fuss that her mum has accidentally dropped her or she’s slipped from her hands.

Her mum recently bought her a dolls pram which she pushed around for a few minutes and then tried to climb in it, it folded up on her and she ended up stuck in it screaming as her mum tried to free her. A few weeks ago she had managed to climb onto a window ledge after manoeuvring a sofa, a toy box and a blow up unicorn all whilst her mum was 2 minutes preparing her lunch in the kitchen.

Anyway, my point - I’d originally agreed to look after baby once mum goes back to work but now I’m scared of the thought! She’s lovely but very hard work, fiercely independent - I don’t remember babies being like this. She’s an accident waiting to happen! Is this even normal for her age? I feel like I need to say something but if this is normal behaviour then I’d be unreasonable to do so!

@Thehop

Back out of this arrangement ASAP.

“June is absolutely lovely, but I’ve seen how fiercely independent and spirited she is. There’s no way I am experienced enough to be able to guarantee she’s safe at the moment. I’m sorry. Happy to help you look for a nursery, and babysit on an evening if you need it”

This

Sounds like my DD at 18 months old - it is harder work especially for people that aren’t used to these personality types. My tip is activities that are tailored to her personality (outdoors, climbing etc.) and making her feel independent safely i.e. for swimming she has one of those floaty jackets and she can’t feel me holding her when I need to she just happens to think she is floating magically on her own!

YANBU to change your mind about providing childcare, for any reason(s), but don’t delay telling your friend.

Would you be doing this for pay, as a nanny? It doesn’t sound like you’re a registered childminder and would need to be in order to care for the DC in your home for money.

Your friend’s DC sounds like many others. My DC1 was like this, although did enjoy being with other DC, and settled well at nursery.

In giving your reasons to your friend wouldn’t say anything at all about her DC’s behaviour or ‘spirit’.

How often had you said you’d look after the little girl? Every day?

Sounds exactly like my son.

Too independent for his own good but completely lacking in street sense so every outing ends in a tantrum, even when choices are given.

It's exhausting, safety is paramount and I'm definitely a pick your battles sort of person with everything else but there's absolutely no way I'd expect any one else to have the stamina for him, because even I don't most of the time.

I would certainly want my friend to tell me as soon as they were sure it wasn't something they were able to do.

Did you think the toddler would be doing sticker books quietly while you caught up on some jobs? . Honestly you sound like you just aren’t equipped to look after her. Either get some hands on experience or tell your friend now. Offering and then backing out last minute would be awful. What possessed you to offer in the first place?

YABU to suggest the toddler is abnormal, YANBU to not want to look after her. Some toddlers are really hard work.

OP
You know she was like this in the summer- why on earth did you say yes?
Why did your 'friend' even ask? Surely she would be able to see that you aren't keen on her daughter's hi jinks.

Unless.... Are you actually the child's grandmother?

I’m going to be honest and hope this is taken in the spirit it’s intended:

Back out of this arrangement for everyone’s good. You’re already wondering whether you can deal with the level of supervision and intervention needed to look after her, and there’s nothing wrong with that. It wouldn’t be fair to you, her, or her mum to carry on with the arrangement if you’re unsure.

She sounds very similar to one of my children who is now being assessed for various things. It’s obvious he’s neurodiverse. At the age your friend’s child currently is, we thought he was ‘spirited’, ‘independent’, and so on - for him, it’s more than that and I’m wondering if it may be more than that for your friend’s daughter too.

I had one like this it was hard work! He's still fiercely independent, self motivated and full of energy now. If he hadn't been in nursery for substantial hours I would have lost my mind at the toddler stage though. It was like he was born with a death wish

@Lizibetz

She is lovely and a very funny child but you just can’t keep her down 😂 in summer friend suggested we take her on the peddle boats in the park on the lake and I visibly recoiled in horror … can you imagine?! She doesn’t like to play with other children and will actually avoid them … this means that when you take her to a child friendly environment if other kids are there she will want to wander off and do her own thing … so she starts heading off away from the play area and will scream if you pick her up or grab her. I just can’t think of anywhere safe to take her where we could avoid these tantrums. Mutual friend suggested just taking her to the countryside and letting her walk around at her own leisure 😂 but with the weather turning now it’s getting even more difficult.

My son was the same! I bought him an all in one waterproof suit and we went to the woods nearby and I just let him run free.. I also sent him to a nursery that had a very free range policy with a brilliant forest school.

Best not to agree to looking after this child, a nursery would be a safer option. I know of a young child of similar age who almost died after climbing up to a cupboard high shelf assumed to be out of reach and finding a bottle of medicine which the child drank.

@5zeds I agree with this. I don’t think you are actually fully capable of looking after this child. There’s nothing wrong with backing out now, just tell her you have other commitments or don’t want to look after a child on a regular basis

And they are most definitely not all like that! His siblings run at about 50% energy than him. I run at about 25% if that. Just 100% full on energy all the time, or asleep. There is no in between.

@Lizibetz

She is lovely and a very funny child but you just can’t keep her down 😂 in summer friend suggested we take her on the peddle boats in the park on the lake and I visibly recoiled in horror … can you imagine?! She doesn’t like to play with other children and will actually avoid them … this means that when you take her to a child friendly environment if other kids are there she will want to wander off and do her own thing … so she starts heading off away from the play area and will scream if you pick her up or grab her. I just can’t think of anywhere safe to take her where we could avoid these tantrums. Mutual friend suggested just taking her to the countryside and letting her walk around at her own leisure 😂 but with the weather turning now it’s getting even more difficult.

You cant avoid the tantrums Op. Of course they do stupid things-shes a toddler! Its up to the parents to stop her. Strap in buggy if she runs off, etc. Stairgate and remove things she climbs on.

@Lizibetz

Yes it’s very normal and honestly it’s a miserable and exhausting stage. My son is 20 months and exactly the same, constantly charging about trying to do exactly what he shouldn’t be then screaming and fighting me when I try to stop him. I can take him to the most child friendly place on earth and he’ll immediately locate a rubbish bin and become obsessed with diving into it. That’s just this age. Even taking them to walk in the countryside often ends with them on the floor screaming because they wanted to eat rock, touch animal poo or play in someone’s garden/private land.

Do you have children? I only ask because if you don’t I’d run like the wind from this arrangement. Have you tried to change a toddlers nappy? It’s like smack down wrestling championships only with more biting and hair pulling

I hear they grow out of it and everyone tells me my DS is ‘very good as far as toddlers go’ but Jesus if he’s good I wouldn’t like to meet a bad one.

You need to extricate yourself quickly and firmly. Quickly so that the mum has as much notice as possible to sort something else out (that’s only fair) and firmly because I guarantee you she won’t take it well and will try to convince you or guilt you into doing it. We know how hard our kids are and we also know how pricey childcare is.

My MIL recently pulled out of looking at my 20mo and 6mo for 1 day a week when I go back to work because it would be too much for her. I was gutted as she waited far too late to tell and it had all been at her insistence in the first place so I’d not got my kids on waiting lists for good nurseries…etc

Unless granny why would you agree to look after another persons child

Lots of people say it’s normal behaviour

But the screaming and getting own way needs to be nipped in the bud

Sometimes they have to go on the buggy or hold hands

Does she ever get told no

She sounds totally normal to me. Maybe all of mine were nuts... They have all calmed down a bit as they've gotten older

I think it sounds fairly normal for some kids of that age, and in my experience most children that age aren’t massively interested in other children. But if you don’t think you can handle her then you need to be honest with her mum about it now so she can make alternative arrangements, better to be honest than find yourself in a situation where she could get hurt

YABU for suggesting her behaviour is abnormal, sounds like a typical toddler to me. YANBU if you don't want to look after her though, I have a toddler and baby and they're a handful, it wouldn't be a calm, easy experience to watch her at that age!

Has her mother ever used baby reins on her? We used them on DD as soon as she could walk, so she never thoght of them as something to hate. They were just associated with going out to do some fun things.

It also meant that she avoided many a scraped knee because we could hoik her up before she landed on her knees on the unmade up road outside our house.

I don’t remember babies being like this

All mine were to a greater or lesser extent. 15-18 months was peak "mobile and brainless" stage and I remember catching mine half way up the bookshelves more than once.

Just be honest with your friend and tell her you are a bit worried about keeping her safe as she is so quick. Ask what she does at home and if she has suggestions.

Funnily enough for me the child who came with the season ticket to our local A&E was the one who climbed least at this stage. They made up for it many times over during primary school!

Is this girl my daughter ? They sound exactly the same. Down to the thing of trying to escape playgrounds etc. I'm guessing you're getting paid good money to look after the little devil ?

I don't doubt you'll be able to do it. But it's very tiring. You'll need to work out a routine that works for both of you- ie: not too many crazy activities, like swimming etc. Or walking near roads if she runs off.

The window ledge thing is a constant in my house. I don't even flinch any more. She never falls or hurts herself. She's very physically able. Sounds just like the little girl you're describing !