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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Reaction to bum touching

108 replies

FuckingFabulous · 27/11/2021 21:01

I had headphones on listening to music loudly, zoning out painting the walls, really cracking on with it and my husband snuck up behind me and stroked my bum. I obviously didn't hear him coming and my knee jerk reaction was to loudly snap "DON'T TOUCH ME!!"

He is all disgusted that I would snap at him like he was a perverted stranger in a bar. I am annoyed that he cannot grasp that women are almost always on alert for this and that I had headphones on and was engrossed in a task so was acting on instinct, not a personal insult. He's all hurt and sulky though

AIBU?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 27/11/2021 21:03

YANBU. Touching you completely unaware, especially sexually, is not on. I'd tell him to fuck off with his sulking.

Sagaris · 27/11/2021 21:03

No - I hate it too!

Elieza · 27/11/2021 21:09

We are programmed to respond to protect ourselves.

If he say sneaked up on your usually friendly Alsatian dog and did that, it would have likely bitten him first and then licked him secondly by way of apology when it realised it was him. It’s a protection instinct.

He needs to snap out of his mood. He clearly has no clue about what women fear and how ingrained it is in our lives. Lucky bastard.

Wait til he’s sleeping and brush a spidery strand of your hair across his face and see if he likes it. I imagine he won’t. You can then respond “Oh I thought you liked my hair darling, I’m off in a huff”!!

Men.

girlmom21 · 27/11/2021 21:09

He doesn't get to just grab you. It doesn't matter that you're married. Especially when you didn't know he was behind you.

Original poster
FuckingFabulous · 27/11/2021 21:10

I've told him that being sexually touched when you're not expecting it is unwelcome, but being touched when you can't even hear someone is there with you is scary. Despite the fact that I'm in my own house, my brain screamed "protect yourself" and I responded. That's not wrong of me! But he said it just hurts to think I see him as some sort of predator. I literally cannot roll my eyes any harder, because I think I'm damaging some sort of eye muscle now

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 27/11/2021 21:13

But he said it just hurts to think I see him as some sort of predator.

Surely the obvious answer is that he stops acting like some sort of predator.

Original poster
FuckingFabulous · 27/11/2021 21:13

@Elieza

We are programmed to respond to protect ourselves.

If he say sneaked up on your usually friendly Alsatian dog and did that, it would have likely bitten him first and then licked him secondly by way of apology when it realised it was him. It’s a protection instinct.

He needs to snap out of his mood. He clearly has no clue about what women fear and how ingrained it is in our lives. Lucky bastard.

Wait til he’s sleeping and brush a spidery strand of your hair across his face and see if he likes it. I imagine he won’t. You can then respond “Oh I thought you liked my hair darling, I’m off in a huff”!!

Men.

True. And we do have an Alsatian! I'm sure she would absolutely bite or at least snarl and show her teeth if someone snuck up on her and touched her
OP posts:
Original poster
FuckingFabulous · 27/11/2021 21:15

@girlmom21

But he said it just hurts to think I see him as some sort of predator.

Surely the obvious answer is that he stops acting like some sort of predator.

Quite so!

He doesn't usually do this. He doesn't have form for sneaking up and touching me, but I think it's common sense that if someone is deeply into a task and listening to something on headphones, even a tap on the shoulder would alarm them!

OP posts:
LoveGrooveDanceParty · 27/11/2021 21:17

@girlmom21

But he said it just hurts to think I see him as some sort of predator.

Surely the obvious answer is that he stops acting like some sort of predator.

Exactly this! Don’t behave like a predator and you won’t be reacted to as one.

And the sulking is just adding insult to injury.

Tell him to get over himself fast.

whatstobecomeofus · 27/11/2021 21:26

Stupid man, doesn't he realise that most women are primed to react like this?

FitAt50 · 27/11/2021 22:04

@FuckingFabulous

I had headphones on listening to music loudly, zoning out painting the walls, really cracking on with it and my husband snuck up behind me and stroked my bum. I obviously didn't hear him coming and my knee jerk reaction was to loudly snap "DON'T TOUCH ME!!"

He is all disgusted that I would snap at him like he was a perverted stranger in a bar. I am annoyed that he cannot grasp that women are almost always on alert for this and that I had headphones on and was engrossed in a task so was acting on instinct, not a personal insult. He's all hurt and sulky though

AIBU?

"STROKED MY BUM" - He did not "grab" her or act like a "predator" - he stroked his wifes bum.
ThirdElephant · 27/11/2021 22:24

STROKED MY BUM" - He did not "grab" her or act like a "predator" - he stroked his wifes bum.

Many a predatory male has stroked a woman's backside uninvited.

Fomofo · 27/11/2021 22:28

So are we not allowed to stroke our dh's bums

Frigginintheriggin · 27/11/2021 22:34

Quite lucky he doesn't live with me.... I have a habitual instinct of lashing out when I get a fright ! He may have had a sore face to match his sulk 🤣

ThirdElephant · 27/11/2021 22:37

@Fomofo

So are we not allowed to stroke our dh's bums
Not if it'd be likely to bother him, no.
LoveGrooveDanceParty · 27/11/2021 22:38

@Fomofo

So are we not allowed to stroke our dh's bums
That’s right you’re not allowed to stroke your DH’s bum. 🙄

Maybe if you think a little harder you might get what the actual point is? Hint - it’s don’t be surprised if you give someone a fright and they react accordingly. A reaction is just that - a reaction.

scarpa · 27/11/2021 23:41

YANBU at all.

I am absolutely open to any form of grabbing and objectification (Grin) by my lovely DH 90% of the time, but I have reacted precisely the same on the one occasion where he startled me and I responded as many people (especially women) would, which was on instinct and with fear, and was quite - disproportionately, to his mind - upset about it. He was a bit put out initially too until I explained, and he was sorry once he realised I was just responding as I've had to a thousand fucking times in bars and clubs and on trains and buses and that I couldn't change it.

Now he knows to pick his moments better.

Hopefully your DH is just feeling a bit embarassed or guilty or bad for having prompted that reaction in you - it's not nice to think you've made your wife have the response she'd have out of fear of being assaulted. Not that he should be sulking, but maybe he's just processing and will stop being a tit about it soon.

PuntasticUsername · 27/11/2021 23:48

"he said it just hurts to think I see him as some sort of predator"

This is Not All Men in slightly different clothing, isn't it? He's all sad because you have (unwillingly) received and acted on a lifetime of defensive training in response to the fact that some men are predators. He's absolutely the real victim here 🙄 tell him to take his hurt feelings and use them to try and improve his fellow men's behaviour.

tallduckandhandsome · 28/11/2021 00:36

What a dickhead. I actually wouldn’t let him touch me until he gets it and apologises.

But I think he does get it and is just gaslighting you.

CheeseMmmm · 28/11/2021 02:57

Your having an instant reaction on getting a fright was totally understandable.

Given the fact it was instant reaction what you said was also understandable given response to sudden unexpected startle and natural fright.

Thing is that if can't hear and etc then surely a touch anywhere would give a fright. Shoulder, waist, anywhere.

Surely saying you frightened me out of my skin, when got headphones on please come round so I know you're there. Would surely be reaction.

Unless you don't want him touching you sexually in general then focus seems odd. Unless you don't like him touching arse in general which is then a different discussion. And sexual rather than affectionate which you know best.

In general it sounds like you're not communicating well at all. When it comes to your relationship that's something to look at.

Topseyt · 28/11/2021 03:15

@Fomofo

So are we not allowed to stroke our dh's bums
You certainly shouldn't simply assume you can. Everyone is entitled to bodily autonomy and their own personal space.
4amstarts · 28/11/2021 03:16

Sorry but you sound like hard work - I'm with your husband on this one

GaryLurcher19 · 28/11/2021 03:40

@Aquamarine1029

YANBU. Touching you completely unaware, especially sexually, is not on. I'd tell him to fuck off with his sulking.
Just ask him if he'd like you to be automatically pleasant to bum fondling.

Point out that that involves being agreeable to unknown bum-fondlers.

GaryLurcher19 · 28/11/2021 03:42

Remember to point out that there are plenty of them. It is not hypothetical.

Nancydrawn · 28/11/2021 04:04

He's feeling guilty because he knows he fucked up, and his instinct isn't to apologize but to be defensive. Shitty instinct. I'd talk to him again when he's calmed down.

This isn't about him or about bum touching, it's about the situation. For instance, I occasionally talk to my husband whilst in the shower, blocked by the curtain. This is fine. Once he came home unexpectedly early from a dog walk, as it started pouring, and I was in the shower. He came in and said my name quite close to the curtain. I shrieked. Not because I'm high strung or because he has no right to speak to me in the shower, but because I was surprised, and startled, and that was my instinct.

Fortunately, my husband didn't act like a twat and get pissy with me because I reacted perfectly normally to a surprise.