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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Reaction to bum touching

108 replies

FuckingFabulous · 27/11/2021 21:01

I had headphones on listening to music loudly, zoning out painting the walls, really cracking on with it and my husband snuck up behind me and stroked my bum. I obviously didn't hear him coming and my knee jerk reaction was to loudly snap "DON'T TOUCH ME!!"

He is all disgusted that I would snap at him like he was a perverted stranger in a bar. I am annoyed that he cannot grasp that women are almost always on alert for this and that I had headphones on and was engrossed in a task so was acting on instinct, not a personal insult. He's all hurt and sulky though

AIBU?

OP posts:
Shitfuckcommaetc · 28/11/2021 18:01

I am annoyed that he cannot grasp that women are almost always on alert for this

If you're in alert for sexual assault in your own home, then you've got more serious problems than this.

This whole thread is a bit ridiculous

Comedycook · 28/11/2021 18:03

Bit of an over reaction...he's your dh not a random bloke on the bus

TheCatWearsPrada · 28/11/2021 18:08

If i stroked dh bum and he reacted like you did i would never touch him again. I do hope you ask permission each and everytime you want to touch/kiss him

WhenSepEnds · 28/11/2021 18:29

@Comedycook

Bit of an over reaction...he's your dh not a random bloke on the bus
This is nuts! I understand about consent etc but bloody hell it's your partner just trying to be affectionate
Tal45 · 28/11/2021 18:32

He shocked you and you reacted, if he hadn't shocked you then I'm guessing you wouldn't have reacted that way! It's just a misunderstanding and not really a huge deal IMO. No reason for him to sulk at all.

Northernparent68 · 28/11/2021 18:40

@4amstarts

Sorry but you sound like hard work - I'm with your husband on this one
I’m glad someone said this, to over react in this manner is ridiculous
SarahJeffers341 · 28/11/2021 18:42

Personally I think your reaction was over the top. You knew you were in your own house, he stroked your bum that’s all! You weren’t out in public and knew it would be your husband.

I find this whole thing can be a bit OTT sometimes and my husband would be totally devastated with a reaction like that too.

SarahJeffers341 · 28/11/2021 18:46

@dottiedodah

Why isnt he up a ladder and painting too? Also why does he think it appropriate to stroke his wifes bum when she is clearly engrossed in a task. He is being ridiculous .
Why should be be up the ladder painting too?

Why is he ridiculous for touching his wife’s bum? Get a grip!!

DontWantTheRivalry · 28/11/2021 18:46

If you're in alert for sexual assault in your own home, then you've got more serious problems than this. This whole thread is a bit ridiculous.

This.

Me and my DH are always patting and stroking each other’s bums. It wouldn’t even occur to me that doing this in our house could potentially lead to us scaring each other or feeling preyed upon Confused

I can imagine being startled if you weren’t expecting it - but feeling scared to the point where you are screaming “Don’t touch me” seems a bit of a strange reaction.

colourfulpuddles · 28/11/2021 18:53

YABU and unnecessarily difficult. What has the world come to when your own husband gets told off for touching your bum? 😅

What an awful relationship to be in.

Mantlemoose · 28/11/2021 19:05

Massive overreaction IMO.

SusieBob · 28/11/2021 19:09

It was just an instinctual reaction to a surprise. You can't control it, your brain doesn't do a fucking risk assessment, it just gives you a shot of adrenaline and you jump.

To say jumping at being shocked is an "overeaction" is patently absurd.

FlowerFlour · 28/11/2021 19:23

YANBU it was your automatic fight or flight response. Your body reacted immediately without waiting for your brain to catch up and think "wait a minute, this is my house, and my husband". It's the same reaction that causes you to pull your hand away from a hot stove. You don't consciously think "this is hot, I shall remove my hand"; it's an automatic defense mechanism.

A decent man would apologise for frightening you instead of sulking because you hurt his feelings.

Malibuismysecrethome · 28/11/2021 19:25

Sorry but didn’t you know he was in the house.

Bit of an overreaction if you knew he was around.
Different if you were alone and he crept in.

Sometimeswinning · 28/11/2021 20:18

If this happened in my house. Me: Shit you made me jump you twat! DH: Sorry! And then we may laugh. This is why your reaction is confusing to me. Some of us feel safe in our homes and like an affectionate (this is the keyword) pat on the bum! Why should actual predators ruin that?

MizzFizz · 28/11/2021 20:20

YANBU. Fuck male fragility. He needs to educate himself.

RobotValkyrie · 28/11/2021 20:26

Rolls eyes at all the "me and DH can't keep our hands off each others, so get a grip you frigid b*tch" tone-deaf answers completely missing the points that

  1. OP's DH doesn’t normally do that shit, so it came as a surprise
  2. she was busy doing something delicate, so the contact was very unwelcome

Heck, me and DH are as touchy feely as it gets, but he'd certainly tell me to fuck off (and quite rightly) if I suddenly grabbed him by the balls while he's bent over loading the dishwasher. There's a time and a place for that kind of stuff!

Marvellousmadness · 28/11/2021 20:38

" I am annoyed that he cannot grasp that women are almost always on alert for this"

Im not. Haven't had anyone besides my dh touch my bum since early 20s hahha.

Your reaction is a bit much. Its not like he came and started poking you with his dick or something....

Comedycook · 28/11/2021 20:40

@Marvellousmadness

" I am annoyed that he cannot grasp that women are almost always on alert for this"

Im not. Haven't had anyone besides my dh touch my bum since early 20s hahha.

Your reaction is a bit much. Its not like he came and started poking you with his dick or something....

Same...I don't live on high alert for this... especially not when I'm at home.
Lennybenny · 28/11/2021 20:42

@lollipoprainbow

Over reaction much ??
My thoughts exam. You're in your own home with your husband....no wonder he's upset. No matter how much you're concentrating you should still remember where you are and that it's your husband....not a random stranger....
SusieBob · 28/11/2021 20:44

Nobody is on high alert in their homes, but everyone jumps when they get snuck up on, it's just how the body reacts.

Getting upset at someone jumping due to a surprise is like getting annoyed at someone being thirsty or blinking, ffs.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 28/11/2021 21:02

@Comedycook

Bit of an over reaction...he's your dh not a random bloke on the bus
Agreed wtf- at home with your partner you’re on high alert about being attacked?! You sound unhinged OP
weinerdog · 28/11/2021 21:16

Tbh I'm glad some people are being realistic. YES, it would scare you, but the bum touching isn't really the issue. Come on, it's not reasonable to expect you have to ask every time you touch your partner!

HOWEVER he should've said sorry for giving you a scare.

The bottom line is, he should've apologised and not started a thing, out of courtesy. But it's a bit miserable being treated like a pervert for trying to affectionate to your wife.

lollipoprainbow · 28/11/2021 21:26

The bottom line is, he should've apologised and not started a thing, out of courtesy.

Bottom line SmileSmile

lollipoprainbow · 28/11/2021 21:27

@Sometimeswinning agree! Wouldn't most couples have a laugh about it, all sounds a bit of an odd over reaction !