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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Reaction to bum touching

108 replies

FuckingFabulous · 27/11/2021 21:01

I had headphones on listening to music loudly, zoning out painting the walls, really cracking on with it and my husband snuck up behind me and stroked my bum. I obviously didn't hear him coming and my knee jerk reaction was to loudly snap "DON'T TOUCH ME!!"

He is all disgusted that I would snap at him like he was a perverted stranger in a bar. I am annoyed that he cannot grasp that women are almost always on alert for this and that I had headphones on and was engrossed in a task so was acting on instinct, not a personal insult. He's all hurt and sulky though

AIBU?

OP posts:
weinerdog · 28/11/2021 21:48

@lollipoprainbow

The bottom line is, he should've apologised and not started a thing, out of courtesy.

Bottom line SmileSmile

How did I not spot that one😂

Cheshirewife · 28/11/2021 21:50

There are a lot of people here who really need a sense of perspective (or maybe a divorce!).

gogohm · 28/11/2021 21:52

That happened to me yesterday, I jumped but didn't shout thankfully, he understood

fabricfanatic · 30/11/2021 03:46

If anyone, no matter how much I love them, touches me unexpectedly from behind, it's fairly likely that I'll be startled, jump, and (if I know them well enough) tell them not to do that, probably in an annoyed voice.

It's rude to touch someone when they don't even know you're there! No, I don't want someone sneaking up behind me. No, I don't want someone touching me unexpectedly. I don't care if we're in a relationship or not. In the split second between "ACK, I'm being touched!!" and "Oh, it's you..." I get an unpleasant adrenaline rush, and any adult should accept that it's no fun to be startled in that way.

TarasCrazyTiara · 30/11/2021 04:57

@whatstobecomeofus

When their DH touches them? No, women who are having problems with their husband are likely to recoil from his touch - people in happy relationships often touch each other invited.

Egghead68 · 30/11/2021 05:01

I don’t think this is a big deal. It made you jump, like it would just people. He was being a bit thoughtless, but not predatory (for heaven’s sake).

TarasCrazyTiara · 30/11/2021 05:01

You are being unreasonable. Fine if he startled, but if your mad about this it shows either there are serious issues with your relationship and his touch offends you, or else you have serious issues if your actually mortified that your DH touched you on the arse without an invitation. Happy couples touch each other uninvited all the time - you don’t have to be up for it, but flying off the handle and acting like he’s some flasher in the park is a hysterical overreaction.

The poor man to be made to feel so disgusting for being attracted to and wanting to to touch his own wifeHmm
I honestly feel sorry for the partners of women who think this is an appropriate response to what he did.

MiddleParking · 30/11/2021 05:13

I’d have snapped too at being given a fright, especially one of that nature. Tbh, I’d hate to have my bum randomly touched like that even without the fright - if he doesn’t want to be treated like a creep on a bus maybe don’t act like one? Then again, I find being given a fright SO annoying but find DH jumping if I give him a fright when he knew I was in the house equally annoying so I can see why he’d have been a bit like ffs when you first reacted, but after that initial moment he should have just said sorry for scaring you and let everyone move on.

colourfulpuddles · 30/11/2021 09:01

if he doesn’t want to be treated like a creep on a bus maybe don’t act like one?

@MiddleParking ha ha, I’ve heard it all now 😂 It’s a wonder how on Earth we manage to procreate when a husband touching his wife’s bum is the same as a random creep on the bus doing it 😂😂

EmpressCixi · 30/11/2021 09:05

I’m just shocked he did not immediately apologise for startling you.
Instead he’s acting like you were in the wrong!?

If it’s a one off, ok, but if it’s a larger pattern of him doing this kind of reaction to inadvertently frightening or hurting you, that is concerning.

Austen33 · 30/11/2021 11:58

I'm just shocked that you did not immediately apologise for shouting at him - prima facie abusive behaviour.
Instead your acting like he's in the wrong.

If it's a one-off ok, but if it is a larger pattern of you unnecessarily shouting at him, criticising him and/or chastising him then that is concerning.

PS - did he in fact apologise/ say sorry but you haven't accepted his apology and are continuing to berate him for being a sex predator.

DontWantTheRivalry · 30/11/2021 12:22

Tbh, I’d hate to have my bum randomly touched like that even without the fright - if he doesn’t want to be treated like a creep on a bus maybe don’t act like one?

Jesus.

You’re comparing a husband affectionately touching his wife’s bum to a creep on the bus touching up strangers?

There are some really crazy women on this thread.

WhenSepEnds · 30/11/2021 15:29

@Cheshirewife

There are a lot of people here who really need a sense of perspective (or maybe a divorce!).
Agreed. Can't just go round saying people are predatory for touching their wives Confused
Nanny0gg · 30/11/2021 15:59

@4amstarts

Sorry but you sound like hard work - I'm with your husband on this one
Don't you at least jump if someone appears when you're not expecting them?

Add to that, wearing headphones so can't hear, concentrating on job in hand so not looking and then someone strokes your bum?

He'd have had a paint tin over his head if that had been me!

And I'm going to start a list of MN terms I hate. 'Hard work' being one near the top.

Nanny0gg · 30/11/2021 16:01

@ElectraBlue

I completely understand he startled you but simply tell him you don't want him to sneak up on your again like this as he gave you a scare.

But this is not a stranger touching you up in a bar. He is the guy you are having sex with...are you saying your partner needs to ask your permission every time he wants to show you some playful affection?

Talk about taking out all spontaneity in a relationship...

I remember playfully smacking the guy I am seeing on the bum yesterday as he was walking around my living room. Do I need to feel like a sex pest for this?

He knew you were there!!
Nanny0gg · 30/11/2021 16:02

@Austen33

I'm just shocked that you did not immediately apologise for shouting at him - prima facie abusive behaviour. Instead your acting like he's in the wrong.

If it's a one-off ok, but if it is a larger pattern of you unnecessarily shouting at him, criticising him and/or chastising him then that is concerning.

PS - did he in fact apologise/ say sorry but you haven't accepted his apology and are continuing to berate him for being a sex predator.

Abusive behaviour??

Dear God, you couldn't make it up! (Except some people clearly do)

Stiffcondomhat · 30/11/2021 16:05

My Dad once spotted me in town and put a firm hand on my shoulder from behind. I elbowed him in the face. Total reflex reaction which I will never apologise for!

Cas112 · 30/11/2021 16:25

@FuckingFabulous

I've told him that being sexually touched when you're not expecting it is unwelcome, but being touched when you can't even hear someone is there with you is scary. Despite the fact that I'm in my own house, my brain screamed "protect yourself" and I responded. That's not wrong of me! But he said it just hurts to think I see him as some sort of predator. I literally cannot roll my eyes any harder, because I think I'm damaging some sort of eye muscle now
He needs to use his brain and realise the situation wasn't specific to him, you didn't know he was there so it could have been anyone even if you was in your own house. He needs to learn its not personal
KittenCatcher · 30/11/2021 16:56

I think dont touch me was a bit of a strange reaction, I might have said leave my arse alone and i am not on alert in my own home.

DecayedStrumpet · 30/11/2021 17:03

Jeez, if he'd jumped out from behind the sofa at her and made her scream, would you all be saying it was a ridiculous over reaction?
Or is it just surprise sexual touching that women have to accept unquestioningly at all times?

Whywonttheyhelpme · 30/11/2021 17:37

I can’t help thinking that there is more to this.

If I was busy in our home with none else there and my husband startled me, I would call him a knob and tell him he frightened me. He would probably think it was funny & try to give me a hug- I would then unclench and we would both eventually laugh about it.

On the other hand, in a crowded bar with a group of couples, my DH (along with the other DH’s) watched me and the girls telling some guys to sling their hook. They left but my DH then nearly got an elbow in his face by putting his hand on my butt- he’d come to check we were ok and totally understood why I’d reacted the way I did. We both laughed and had a great night.

It is not normal to feel like you are on edge in your own home. If I were your husband, I would feel sad too.

dementedmummy · 30/11/2021 17:45

My husband tends to do this although to be fair, he tends to have his bravery pills first if im not aware of his presence before doing so as im trained in martial arts and it wouldn't be the first time he has been on the receiving end before ive realised it is him! 🤣 I guess the difference with us is i dont mind him doing it and vice versa whereas if it was a stranger i would have no qualms about decking the dude 😁

weinerdog · 30/11/2021 18:39

@DecayedStrumpet

Jeez, if he'd jumped out from behind the sofa at her and made her scream, would you all be saying it was a ridiculous over reaction? Or is it just surprise sexual touching that women have to accept unquestioningly at all times?

How is anyone supposed to initiate sex with their partner, ever? I suppose that's also sexual harassment 🙄

As long you can reject and your partner stops, (and apologises if they make you jump line in this case) there's no problem

Chasingaftermidnight · 30/11/2021 19:21

How is anyone supposed to initiate sex with their partner, ever? I suppose that's also sexual harassment 🙄

Is that how you initiate sex? You sneak up on people who are wearing headphones and engrossed in what they’re doing and touch them sexually?

Believe it or not, there are other ways.

weinerdog · 30/11/2021 19:44

@Chasingaftermidnight

How is anyone supposed to initiate sex with their partner, ever? I suppose that's also sexual harassment 🙄

Is that how you initiate sex? You sneak up on people who are wearing headphones and engrossed in what they’re doing and touch them sexually?

Believe it or not, there are other ways.

Eh? That's why I said if you SCARE you're spouse, apologise out of courtesy.

How is anyone supposed to ask their so for sex, or seduce them by touch without being called a perv?

The ONLY problem here is the surprise element. It could've been a tap on the shoulder, makes no difference. Touching your so's bum is completely normal- if you don't like it, just say no thanks.

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