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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Reaction to bum touching

108 replies

FuckingFabulous · 27/11/2021 21:01

I had headphones on listening to music loudly, zoning out painting the walls, really cracking on with it and my husband snuck up behind me and stroked my bum. I obviously didn't hear him coming and my knee jerk reaction was to loudly snap "DON'T TOUCH ME!!"

He is all disgusted that I would snap at him like he was a perverted stranger in a bar. I am annoyed that he cannot grasp that women are almost always on alert for this and that I had headphones on and was engrossed in a task so was acting on instinct, not a personal insult. He's all hurt and sulky though

AIBU?

OP posts:
Nancydrawn · 28/11/2021 04:05

PS: You have every right not to want your bum touched, of course. I didn't get the impression that this was the problem--more that it was a surprise.

Rangoon · 28/11/2021 04:24

My husband has been up on a ladder replastering our wall. If I sneaked up on him and stroked his rear, I can't imagine he'd have been impressed.

floofcat · 28/11/2021 07:07

When my DH is doing jobs around the house he is in a little world of his own, so much so that if I suddenly go up to him and ask him a question it frightens the life out of him and he shouts out. Likewise if he came up behind me when I had my headphones on and so didn't hear him, he would get the same response from me. Even the cat meows loudly if we startle him!

It's your 'flight or fright' response, totally natural response to being startled and you would react the same way if he touched you on the arm or even just yelled at you to get your attention.

Perhaps you need to startle him and see how he reacts - maybe throwing some water over him in the middle of the night when he's fast asleep would be a good way to startle himWink. Then point out that it's nothing to do with him being a perverted stranger, it's that he frightened the shit out of you so how else does he think you would react!. I would have thought he would want to apologise to you for making you jump, not feeling all hurt and sulky that you shouted at him.

He needs to stop sulking and grow up!

ElectraBlue · 28/11/2021 08:27

I completely understand he startled you but simply tell him you don't want him to sneak up on your again like this as he gave you a scare.

But this is not a stranger touching you up in a bar. He is the guy you are having sex with...are you saying your partner needs to ask your permission every time he wants to show you some playful affection?

Talk about taking out all spontaneity in a relationship...

I remember playfully smacking the guy I am seeing on the bum yesterday as he was walking around my living room. Do I need to feel like a sex pest for this?

SameToo · 28/11/2021 08:36

@ElectraBlue are you purposefully missing the point? The point wasn’t that he needed to ask it was that he snuck up on OP when she didn’t know he was there and was then upset about her reactions. Ffs.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 28/11/2021 08:42

Mumsnet is full of people who are hard of reading.

YANBU OP. I’d have reacted in the same way, probably worse. I do not like to be startled.

girlmom21 · 28/11/2021 08:48

@ElectraBlue

I completely understand he startled you but simply tell him you don't want him to sneak up on your again like this as he gave you a scare.

But this is not a stranger touching you up in a bar. He is the guy you are having sex with...are you saying your partner needs to ask your permission every time he wants to show you some playful affection?

Talk about taking out all spontaneity in a relationship...

I remember playfully smacking the guy I am seeing on the bum yesterday as he was walking around my living room. Do I need to feel like a sex pest for this?

No, we're saying he should pick his moments and not touch her when she's in a world of her own and not act like a childish prick if she's startled.

It shouldn't be one extreme or the other.

Member869894 · 28/11/2021 08:50

Massive overreaction

ThirdElephant · 28/11/2021 09:03

I remember playfully smacking the guy I am seeing on the bum yesterday as he was walking around my living room. Do I need to feel like a sex pest for this?

The question is, if it had scared your partner, he had jumped and said, 'Dont touch me!' would you have said sorry and been more mindful in future or would you have made out that he was totally unreasonable and turned it into a fall-out?

BlancheB · 28/11/2021 09:03

Yes sulking is a deeply unattractive trait, your DH is in the wrong and he knows it.

For too long woman have been told they are "over-reacting" to being touched unexpectedly and inappropriately. Well done OP.

saleorbouy · 28/11/2021 09:04

A little bump squeeze is normal in our house between myself and DW. I often receive an affectionate squeeze when my hands are in the sink washing up.
We're both receptive to this just as much as a hug or peck on the cheek. I suppose it just depends on your relationship with OH.
Personally I'd be a little offended if my advances in the home were treated the same as a drunk bloke in a bar!

dottiedodah · 28/11/2021 09:05

Why isnt he up a ladder and painting too? Also why does he think it appropriate to stroke his wifes bum when she is clearly engrossed in a task. He is being ridiculous .

stingofthebutterfly · 28/11/2021 09:08

Did he even realise you couldn't hear him? If he deliberately scared you then he's a bit of an idiot, but I couldn't have an issue with my husband touching my bum. I think touching each other, playfully, makes for a healthy relationship.

lollipoprainbow · 28/11/2021 09:18

Over reaction much ??

furbabymama87 · 28/11/2021 09:20

Ring 101. Husband touched wife's bum shocker.

m4rdybum · 28/11/2021 09:23

I get you were given a shock, but to turn this into a #metoo movement - massive overreaction.

Perhaps though, OP has had a bad experience in the past - and if her DH knew this, he's likely the one in the wrong.

AngelinaFibres · 28/11/2021 09:24

@stingofthebutterfly

Did he even realise you couldn't hear him? If he deliberately scared you then he's a bit of an idiot, but I couldn't have an issue with my husband touching my bum. I think touching each other, playfully, makes for a healthy relationship.
I would have jumped out of my skin and said " you made me jump". I would never have shouted "Dont touch me" when I was in the safety of my own home with my husband. I would have shouted that at someone I wasn't comfortable with.
BethAfra · 28/11/2021 09:27

This is ridiculous - you didn't know it was him. His sulking is far worse behaviour.

TheLastWomanOnEarth · 28/11/2021 09:31

Ugh, that would give me the ick.

GladAllOver · 28/11/2021 09:46

DH and I touch each others' bums (and other parts) all the time. It's a way of showing affection and TBH I'd be a bit sad if he didn't bother any more.

But neither of us do it in a way that would make the other jump. That's the very opposite of affection.

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 28/11/2021 16:53

@lollipoprainbow

Over reaction much ??
Yes, being all wounded, feeling like a predator and then sulking really is next level over-reaction, isn’t it?
hamsterchump · 28/11/2021 17:03

I could understand jumping but really odd over reaction to scream something, I think you'll be divorced within 5 years.

PaperMonster · 28/11/2021 17:37

My OH can’t understand why I scream when he creeps up and touches me. Flipping hate it.

ExpectingLady93 · 28/11/2021 17:48

My DP does this all the time. It's easier for me to NOT react than react. Maybe unreasonable a bit OP but if that's how you feel.... sometimes it can tickle !!

StopGo · 28/11/2021 17:54

@Fomofo

So are we not allowed to stroke our dh's bums
No not if they don’t like it.