AIBU to not want to be an unmarried SAHM?

[EnglishMuffins]

Just wondering what people’s thoughts are on my situation.

I was married for several years and had 2 DC with my exH. I had always worked part time to be around for our young DC in a general admin job. Upon divorce , exH stayed in marital home and bought me out of my share. I took some furniture, no savings (in fact debts that needing reconciling) and no claim to his pension as he said the pot was too small to even consider sharing it 50/50 after only a few years being married.
I lived with family as I couldn’t afford to buy or rent on my PT salary, and we share custody of our DC 50/50.

Fast forward a couple of years and I met DP. He was also a divorcee. Their split was amicable, no DC involved. We bought a house together about 18 months into our relationship and soon after we unexpectedly fell pg (I said unexpectedly as there are fertility issues on both sides but a blessing all the same and we were delighted).
When our child was born we decided I would give up my job to be a full time SAHM. We also needed a bigger house so sold up and moved , but this time my name was no longer on the mortgage as my lack of income decreased our borrowing prospects. So my initial lump sum I invested into our first property (from my divorce settlement) which had also grown as property prices went up in value and the mortgage was paid off (I might add that for 18 months I contributed towards the mortgage and bills) is now tied up in a house that is in DP sole name. I feel naive but he said that we’d just have to base it on “trust”.

My issue is, I really thought that by now, DP would have proposed marriage. He’s not dead set against it, but he says things like “don’t do it!!” When we drive past weddings and things , and I just generally get the feeling he doesn’t see a second marriage in his future. Our child is almost 2, ive given up on my job, a career, paying into a pension, independence , I sold my little car.. have no savings or means to save , am solely reliant on DP wages . Meanwhile he is climbing the career ladder, paying into a pension, accruing savings and saving what I imagine would be a vast monthly sum in childcare costs.
AIBU to expect him to marry me? I just feel I’m in a vulnerable position, with nothing to fall back on. I want a secure future for my child and my DC from my previous marriage. I would even like to share a name with DP and our child and I guess rubber seal our family unit? So both financially, and romantically, I’d like to be married - but DP has no interest . Then part of me feels like a gold-digger for thinking he should marry me and give up 50:50 if we were to split.

What are the legal implications of not being married vs being married?
DP has a will, I don’t. DP has insurance through work that would pay off the mortgage - I guess this would be taxed? I have life insurance. No savings and a tiny pension from my PT job.

Could you put your name on the mortgage now?, do you have the paper work to prove you put your money into the house ,(keep it safe) go get a solicitor to draw something up, if anything happens to him you have nothing, use this as a reason to change his will.

Oh just read all your posts, doesn't sound as bad as I thought. Shame he doesn't want to get hitched but maybe he has reasons. Once the children are at full time school get yourself a job, could you fit in some part time work now? It's not nice being financially reliant, even if you can earn a little pocket money plus you need to pay stamp for your state pension

I point blank refused to move in with my DP until my name was added to the mortgage even though my financial contribution was more of time, house keeping and child care. There was small fee to pay but I didn’t want to put myself in the position where I could be made homeless. 10 years later we married but the safety net was crucial in establishing a secure relationship for both of us.

Glad to see OP update

Sounds like a very positive outcome from a very sensible conversation
Absolutely understand why some people don’t want the church/ social labels of marriage - so long as they follow through on all legal matters ( deeds , trusts , wills)
Please also - make each other power of attorney in case of anything
Go to a decent lawyer and have a think about who gets guardianship of which child and if you’re have a preference for them both to be together or not - in the case you both die together ( car crash )

I hope the unkind posts asking OP to pack up and leave a “con artist “ stop. She has woken up and they have agreed to solve it legally. They are happy and she appreciates him

It’s all god!

I do sometimes wonder if we should change the marriage/cohabiting laws because so, so, so many women get fucked over like this.

I come from such a jurisdiction. It doesn't ever work as intended. Certainly not for the protection of women, in fact women end up losing twice.

Cunning men use trusts to get around asset sharing and cunning cocklodgers become paid lodgers then claim relationships which didn't exist to claim part of the house or a payout.

@PicsInRed

I do sometimes wonder if we should change the marriage/cohabiting laws because so, so, so many women get fucked over like this.

I come from such a jurisdiction. It doesn't ever work as intended. Certainly not for the protection of women, in fact women end up losing twice.

Cunning men use trusts to get around asset sharing and cunning cocklodgers become paid lodgers then claim relationships which didn't exist to claim part of the house or a payout.

I'm not massively surprised. There doesn't seem to be any clearer system than "You're on your own unless the two of you actually go to an official and go through a few points to make sure you both understand what's going on and agree to it." That's literally why the 1753 Act was created...because it was impossible to keep track of, or prove, who was committed to whom. It should simplify and clarify the process and, for men, it does mostly seem to.

Even now, on here, it's not uncommon to see grown women say they don't want to get married because they aren't silly princesses who need a big frock and a special Disney day...

Wills, nomination of girlfriend as beneficiary of pension or life insurance can all be changed and no obligation to tell the other person.
He may say he’s made provision in will but has he got around to it and even if he has he can change it without telling op.
Hopefully you’ve spoken to solicitor this morning about deed of trust and got that underway to at least protect your £25,000. I can’t understand how that wasn’t dealt with when he purchased house.

Even now, on here, it's not uncommon to see grown women say they don't want to get married because they aren't silly princesses who need a big frock and a special Disney day...

Yes, somehow men understand what is in a marriage contract, but so many women don't. I think that's what's behind all the sneering at weddings, to make them seem less attractive to women who hate to be thought of as self centered and grabby, which is what brides are derided as being. Of course, since women also get substantial benefits from marriage once children come along, it makes sense to make it appear that only a terminally silly and childish woman would want it - to make women less secure about insisting on it.

Even if he will not consider marriage, could you suggest a civil partnership, at least this would protect you if anything happened to him. You could say it is purely a financial precaution if he is afraid of emotional commitment

You need a job immediately OP. Marriage is scant protection anyway. No one, but no one should rely on a man.

@PicsInRed

I do sometimes wonder if we should change the marriage/cohabiting laws because so, so, so many women get fucked over like this.

I come from such a jurisdiction. It doesn't ever work as intended. Certainly not for the protection of women, in fact women end up losing twice.

Cunning men use trusts to get around asset sharing and cunning cocklodgers become paid lodgers then claim relationships which didn't exist to claim part of the house or a payout.

Can't say as I'm shocked.

I really feel for you OP. I can see how you found yourself in this situation.
I never knew it wouid be detrimental to have both names on the mortgage if you weren’t earning! Is that actually a fact or not? I’d check that. Do some research while your home with the kids.

Make sure your DP is at least paying towards your state pension contributions from his salary.
I’d also get some advice about whether it is possible to put your name on the mortgage, especially given you put your money into the house.
It doesn’t seem fair to expect you to go just on trust as he doesn’t seem to be prepared to get married.
Do your research. Get advise and then you can have a conversation where you are in full procession of the facts. I’d want my name on the mortgage or if for him at the very least, to agree for you to have a legal document drawn up to make sure you can have your original stake plus interest returned.
Hope you get it sorted sweetie

I agree, so mamy women get screwed over after they have a child. The laws need to be changed. Or tweaked somehow.

When I bought a house with at the time my DP both our names were on the mortgage even though I wasn’t earning. I paid the deposit but didn’t have a job.
OP don’t be fooled by your DP, talk is cheap. I’ve read too many posts where the DP is shocked the woman is concerned she is financially vulnerable. They always say they genuinely didn’t know it was the case, they’re never shocked enough to marry the woman though.
Men like this know exactly what they are doing and will continue to do so if women passively let them do so.

That's why it means such a lot when a man will happily have a woman at home washing his pants and raising his kids, but won't legalise their relationship
Similar, you could claim that women get a good deal when despite having kids from a previous relationship, they find a man willing to support them all financially so she doesn't have to work and enjoy a much better lifestyle.

Men can only protect themselves financially by not marrying. Women can protect themselves financially by getting married or working. The former demands the agreement of the other. The latter doesn't. If OP wanted to work, he couldn't stop her.

The issue here is simple. OP doesn't want to work and that's what is baking her vulnerable.

It doesn't sound to me like he's deliberately trying to screw you over, OP. And I don't think the very aggressive approaches suggested above by some posters are likely to be good for you or your relationship!

I'm sure you can have a reasonable conversation about what's fair. Maybe get some advise about what other couples I similar situations do? But it sounds to me like he's keen to sort it out so no need to go in all guns blazing.

Having seen your last update OP are you 100% sure he’s divorced (have seen decree absolute or know his wife is definitely remarried ) you’d be amazed how many people don’t get around to it.

I agree with all that’s said above, but - just a thought - might your partner be willing to go for a civil partnership? It gives you the same legal rights as marriage, but without the religious connotations.

It’s true that you are in vulnerable position, but you do also have some power - now that you are carrying his child, you can always threaten to leave, taking the child with you, unless he sorts this. Not an ideal solution, of course, but is there such a thing in your current situation???

Best of luck, OP.

Bronguin the DC is 2

The best you can do now, OP, is try to ring-fence your £25k, but as a percentage of the original purchase price, not as £25k plus a bit of inflation

This. And DO NOT stay at home unless you go on the deeds as owning half the house, to protect you in case of separation. By looking after his child you are saving him a lot of money, and your contribution should be financially recognised.

AIBU to expect him to marry me?

Yes, you are! And what did your last marriage leave you with? Even if you do marry and then divorce again, that's no guarantee of anything!-

@EnglishMuffins

Just to update. We had the discussion last night and DP was genuinely unaware of the financial position he’d put me, and of my concerns. He agreed wholeheartedly to get a declaration of trust drawn up to ring fence my investment in the house. He also suggested my name going on the deeds. Marriage was never on the cards though. I was waiting like a passive fool for a proposal that was never coming. He said he wouldn’t rule it out completely forever, but he seemed far more agreeable to going down the legal route to tie matters up rather than the marriage route. For reasons he couldn’t really get across to me..

He does actually sound really quite reasonable

It's good that he is willing to sort out the legal side. That shows at least that he's not stringing you along.

Perhaps a civil partnership will appeal to him more than marriage? It still gives you the rights you need.

I'd want marriage or my name on the house and a contract of the split if you break up.

If he leaves you then you'll have no job, no claim to the house, nothing except paltry CMS.

If he truly doesn't realise the position you're both in (and once again, it's amazing how many men just accidentally fall into positions of absolute power), and he truly wants to protect you, he should be amenable to seeing a solicitor together to discuss all your options, and willing to go with whatever works best for protecting your share of the house (more than the initial £25k outlay) and recognising your contribution as a SAHM.

I am assuming that becoming a SAHM was a joint decision. Whether it was or not, if you don't want to be one while unmarried, you don't have to. You can't unilaterally decide to marry, but your decision to work or not is entirely in your hands.