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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Very very petty - sibling warfare/binned post

119 replies

Yesiknowhowpettythisis · 26/11/2021 13:25

I have NC for this because it really is extraordinarily petty and I’m a little bit ashamed of myself but still want to ask the question (just not to be associated with my normal username!):

For context, my older brother is the golden child and really is a very nasty, nasty piece of work. He gets away with murder. We haven’t spoken in nearly 2 years because of a fight we had when I was heavily pregnant and he got drunk and bullied me quite badly and verbally attacked my husband. Despite this when my son was extremely ill with sepsis I reached out to him for familial support. Nothing. So I’m pretty finished with him and frankly I am furious. His girlfriend goes along with all of this.

Anyway, we used to rent the same flat they are currently in. We moved 2 years ago. Our postal redirection ran out a year ago and they have just been binning our post (Which my mother refuses to accept as he’s the golden child).

We did not change the address the car is registered to as we just didn’t realise. 100% our fault - lesson learnt. DH received a speeding ticket and due to this and the post being binned, it’s now a court summons. Which we only realised because another neighbour saw some of our post in the bloody communal bin and brought it round!!!!

I know it’s ultimately our fault but MN I hate him so much now and I just want to know if I can be the pettiest person alive and somehow get him into trouble for binning our post. Yes, I’m awful.

OP posts:
kitkatsky · 26/11/2021 13:29

Well... we've been living in our house for two years end I'm still redirecting post for the old owners which is really blooming irritating to be honest, so I think you probably need to realise it's annoying for them. Given how much you dislike him do you even see him regularly enough for him to hand over post?

Original poster
Yesiknowhowpettythisis · 26/11/2021 13:30

@kitkatsky

We don’t see each other but he lives next to my mother who I see so I don’t think it would have been too bad for him to pass on. I completely get it’s very annoying we changed everything else. Potentially they might get junk mail or catalogues as we do from previous owners but I think the driving letter was quite obviously important

OP posts:
SockFluffInTheBath · 26/11/2021 13:32

If it’s 2 yrs since you moved then most things should have been updated. Have a check this weekend that everything looks s updated then just let him bin your junk mail. I think you need to draw a line under this or it will eat away at you, very unlikely it’s having any effect at all on him.

Onlyhuman0103 · 26/11/2021 13:32

Not continuing with the re-direct was an oversight by you but I would still be furious if my brother had been dumping my post (some could be confidential?) in the communal bin!! Not sure if you can get him into trouble for this but I'd feel exactly the same as you.
I feel for you with the 'golden child' syndrome; had it all my life with my older brother too. rolls eyes

Dozer · 26/11/2021 13:32

YABU. You went no contact - fair enough - but still want him to ‘be there for you’ in times of need and to do you favours.

Your and your H’s admin: your responsibility.

Carboncheque · 26/11/2021 13:35

So you had redirection for the first 12 months. Why was anything to do with your car going to your old address a year after you’d left?

SelfHelpPlease · 26/11/2021 13:37

You had 12 months to change your postal address. So yabu.

RincewindsHat · 26/11/2021 13:37

Your fault completely, it's down to you to take responsibility for your own life admin. Set up another redirect for 6 months to give yourself time to figure out what still needs to be updated and get it done before any more stuff like this happens again. Obviously in an ideal world your DB wouldn't be such an arse, but it seems like you've been well aware what kind of person he is for a while now so while you can be annoyed with him, it's still ultimately your mis-step that resulted in this.

AnFiadhRua · 26/11/2021 13:39

You have all of my sympathies. I have a brother but he's just such an enmeshed golden child. He believes in his label ''rational'' even though he's shown me very clearly that he's anything but rational.

It is just so hard to accept that your brother is a crappy human.

I feel like I had a low bar in what I wanted from my brother. Common decency, to be seen for who I am. A bit of respect.

But no, all my family want from me is that I perpetuate their rosy perceptions of themselves.

I feel let down by my brother who could have talked my mother out of her martyrdom and her defensiveness and told her clearly and repeatedly that all I did was tell her that she hurt me instead, he stirred her up and encouraged her martyrdom, sat around talking about me, but not to me, gas lit me telling me they weren't giving me the silent treatment Confused they all 3 of them leapt on board with the silent treatment but yet still all of them judge me for the damage and distance in the relationship(s) now. It beggars belief how intelligent people can set out to give a supposedly ''loved'' member of their family the silent treatment and yet take no responsibility for the damage that does!!

It's really sad, I only have one sibling and I've just realised what a spineless mummy's boy he is. Threw me under the bus for an easy life.

Carboncheque · 26/11/2021 13:40

Binning your sister’s mail is obviously a shitty thing to do but it sounds like he has treated you badly for a long time.

AnFiadhRua · 26/11/2021 13:41

I can't believe people have voted ''yabu''.

How heard hearted would you need to be to stand their with your sister's post and think, hmm, pass it on to Mum? Or Bin it? and to choose the latter. the mind boggles.

Wimpeyspread · 26/11/2021 13:42

@RincewindsHat

Your fault completely, it's down to you to take responsibility for your own life admin. Set up another redirect for 6 months to give yourself time to figure out what still needs to be updated and get it done before any more stuff like this happens again. Obviously in an ideal world your DB wouldn't be such an arse, but it seems like you've been well aware what kind of person he is for a while now so while you can be annoyed with him, it's still ultimately your mis-step that resulted in this.
This! Sounds like your DH hasn’t updated his address with DVLA which is an offence
Idrinklotsofcoffee · 26/11/2021 13:42

He’s been very petty so my advice is to be petty back and try to get him into trouble.

KarmaViolet · 26/11/2021 13:44

Failing to update your address with the DVLA is a separate offence so I don't think you can really blame him for that one. Although if you go to court early and speak to the prosecutor they will sometimes accept the "original" payment if you explain what has happened.

I agree with SockFluff that you need to let it go or risk it eating away at you. Although I would also be tempted to sign him up to a large number of pointless catalogues.

Original poster
Yesiknowhowpettythisis · 26/11/2021 13:45

@AnFiadhRua

How absolutely awful!!

I’m sorry to everyone else who has experienced a golden child.

I didn’t go “NC” with him - he was really fucking awful to me so I told him to fuck off and he took it literally like the child he is. I reached out repeatedly, was ignored, he was enabled by my mother and then ignored me when my child was at death’s door and THEN I reached my limit.

Binning post is just so shitty.

Re comments about it being my fault - yes! It is my fault! I’ve said repeatedly I know it’s my fault.

But I am just so angry!

OP posts:
Original poster
Yesiknowhowpettythisis · 26/11/2021 13:45

@KarmaViolet

Omfg I love the catalogue idea 😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆

Yes the updating the DVLA 100% our fault. First time moving with a car - didn’t know/didn’t think/stupid and ignorant and very annoyed at ourselves about it. Won’t make that mistake again.

OP posts:
lanthanum · 26/11/2021 13:45

Step back from it being your brother who lives there. If it had been anyone else, they would probably have binned the post too.

Original poster
Yesiknowhowpettythisis · 26/11/2021 13:47

I think this situation hasn’t been helped by my mother repeatedly denying he has binned my post despite the evidence to the contrary eg the neighbour fishing it out of the bin and us not receiving what I imagine were several warnings.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yesiknowhowpettythisis · 26/11/2021 13:47

@lanthanum

The previous tenants before us were friends and I forwarded their post for the entire 2 years we were there!

OP posts:
AnFiadhRua · 26/11/2021 13:55

@Yesiknowhowpettythisis

I think this situation hasn’t been helped by my mother repeatedly denying he has binned my post despite the evidence to the contrary eg the neighbour fishing it out of the bin and us not receiving what I imagine were several warnings.
Yeh, the gaslighting that goes on in these situations.

My parents weren't speaking to me, and my brother went over to their house and sat around talking about how awful I was but then he told me that they weren't stonewalling me. Confused

It sounds like he was trying to get you in serious trouble. He is really invested in to remaining the golden child isn't he? The worse you look the better he looks and he's an adult now with a wife (or gf) but he is NOT letting go of that identity of golden child at all!

JustLyra · 26/11/2021 14:03

I think you need to split the two issues apart.

The post was entirely your fault. You should have changed your address. If your tenant wasn't your brother they'd likely have binned it too - or if they'd got pissed off they could have informed the DVLA that you didn't live there and you'd be facing another fine for not changing your address.

Your mother defending your brother regardless of what he does is going to be a constant issue if you don't deal with it.
He's not going to change and neither is she. The only thing you can change is how you deal with it.
As someone who is NC with multiple people because of my eldest brother, his behaviour and their way of dealing with it (pandering) I can tell you that the best decision I ever made was to forget about my brother.

I don't ask about him. I don't want to know. When people told me stories I politely stopped them and told them I wasn't interested. Eventually most people stopped. It's great, I don't have to hear any of his shit anymore.
The people who continually tried to talk to me about him or who didn't respect what I wanted I got to a point where I had to decide if they were bringing anything positive to my life. The ones that were had a final conversation about not bringing him up. The ones who weren't, or who still harp on about him, I'm no longer in contact with.

Don't get tied up in petty revenge. Just cut his toxicity out of your life.

Collaborate · 26/11/2021 14:11

My sister went NC with me for some imagined slight. I won't go in to the details but it involved her pointedly ignoring me on the rare occasions our paths crossed. No amount of family persuasion would change her view, And that was nearly 10 years ago.

4 years ago mum was showing signs of dementia. I reached out to sister and suggested we cooperate to as to help our parents (without either of us having to bury the hatchet - it would just involve us parking our issues to the side). Her response was to speak to my mum (of all people) and tell her why she wasn't going to reply to my letter. I found this unforgivable and there is absolutely no way back from this for me.

Doubtless my sister thinks I'm in the wrong. I certainly think she's in the wrong, but she's been dead to me now for too many years for me to ever contemplate having anything to do with her. So I'd say YABU for having unreasonable expectations of someone who you have effectively cut out from your life.

Theunamedcat · 26/11/2021 14:13

My ex husband is an offender he is also very offensive nasty spiteful and mean I have to have contact with him due to our children he did not change the address of his licence he got caught for driving offenses the letter came to my address the first one I handed to him telling him to change his address the second I called him and told him again to change his address (it was almost five years after he left) he yelled down the phone at me screaming abuse saying he would do it when he could be bothered so I gave the police his mum's address his nans address and his girlfriends address

He changed his address

The only ones I've ever thrown away have been specsavers

And I loathe him

AlfonsoTheUnrepentant · 26/11/2021 14:15

@SelfHelpPlease

You had 12 months to change your postal address. So yabu.
I agree.
Original poster
Yesiknowhowpettythisis · 26/11/2021 14:19

If your tenant wasn't your brother they'd likely have binned it too

I think it’s hard though because although we aren’t talking the tenant was my brother. It’s hard to just pretend he wasn’t/it’s the same. It’s not the same!

OP posts:
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