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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Very very petty - sibling warfare/binned post

119 replies

Yesiknowhowpettythisis · 26/11/2021 13:25

I have NC for this because it really is extraordinarily petty and I’m a little bit ashamed of myself but still want to ask the question (just not to be associated with my normal username!):

For context, my older brother is the golden child and really is a very nasty, nasty piece of work. He gets away with murder. We haven’t spoken in nearly 2 years because of a fight we had when I was heavily pregnant and he got drunk and bullied me quite badly and verbally attacked my husband. Despite this when my son was extremely ill with sepsis I reached out to him for familial support. Nothing. So I’m pretty finished with him and frankly I am furious. His girlfriend goes along with all of this.

Anyway, we used to rent the same flat they are currently in. We moved 2 years ago. Our postal redirection ran out a year ago and they have just been binning our post (Which my mother refuses to accept as he’s the golden child).

We did not change the address the car is registered to as we just didn’t realise. 100% our fault - lesson learnt. DH received a speeding ticket and due to this and the post being binned, it’s now a court summons. Which we only realised because another neighbour saw some of our post in the bloody communal bin and brought it round!!!!

I know it’s ultimately our fault but MN I hate him so much now and I just want to know if I can be the pettiest person alive and somehow get him into trouble for binning our post. Yes, I’m awful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yesiknowhowpettythisis · 26/11/2021 15:36

@Penistoe

Yes you are right we deliberately decided not to update it in order to irritate my brother and we then purposefully got a speeding ticket in order for him to receive several letters and then for DH to get called to magistrates course! What a master plan 😆🤦🏻‍♀️ Bloody hell, MN sometimes!

OP posts:
Original poster
Yesiknowhowpettythisis · 26/11/2021 15:39

@diddl

I’m sure there is information but we didn’t know to look for it! We just thought we changed driving licence, and that was it. I don’t know why people are going on about this I literally say in the OP and have said several times since we have learnt our lesson and we are wrong! Very very wrong. Which is why DH now needs to go to court. We know we are wrong I know MN loves to kick a dead horse but there’s really no need; we are dead as a dead horse can be. We get it!!!

The post is about, separately to that, AIBU to be extremely petty about my brother also being a huge bellend and also being wrong in binning post: my understanding from Google is that it’s not something you’re supposed to do.

OP posts:
diddl · 26/11/2021 15:41

[quote Yesiknowhowpettythisis]@diddl

I’m sure there is information but we didn’t know to look for it! We just thought we changed driving licence, and that was it. I don’t know why people are going on about this I literally say in the OP and have said several times since we have learnt our lesson and we are wrong! Very very wrong. Which is why DH now needs to go to court. We know we are wrong I know MN loves to kick a dead horse but there’s really no need; we are dead as a dead horse can be. We get it!!!

The post is about, separately to that, AIBU to be extremely petty about my brother also being a huge bellend and also being wrong in binning post: my understanding from Google is that it’s not something you’re supposed to do.[/quote]
I was only asking!

Now that you have the post I'm not sure how you can prove that your brother binned it.

Original poster
Yesiknowhowpettythisis · 26/11/2021 15:44

@diddl

Sorry I was being tongue in cheek/very happy to sacrifice myself at the alter of the MN repeat pointing out I’m in the wrong for the thing I’ve already admitted I’m in the wrong for 😀

Yes it’s a good point re proof; apart from roping the neighbour in to give a statement which feels like overkill for a magistrates court where I assume DH just goes to pay a fine? We’ve never been in trouble with the law before so we feel very bad about this situation/don’t want people to think we just didn’t give a damn and ignored tickets like some sort of maverick married couple.

OP posts:
diddl · 26/11/2021 15:46

It does seem a shame that there's no reminder with the driving license.

I'm guessing you are expected to remember from when you fill it in that there is a "change of address" section.

Quartz2208 · 26/11/2021 15:49

In theory yes it is a crime but in practice it is highly unlikely that he would be prosecuted (especially given the fact that a lot would have thrown it away). news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/3687109.stm

That said it is worth saying in court that you didnt change the address (the fact that your brother lives there and it was deliberate doesnt need mentioning) to see if you can avoid it by getting away with paying just the fine.

matthancockslovechild · 26/11/2021 15:49

Why on earth have you not changed the address on the V5 document in 2 entire years! Get your life admin in order. YABVVU.

Boood · 26/11/2021 15:50

YANBU. DVLA letters have their logo on the outside, he could have at least messaged you to say “sort your address out, I’m bloody sick of getting your post”.

Mamamia7962 · 26/11/2021 15:52

Your husband can just plead guilty to the speeding offence and pay the fine. He doesn't have to go to court, unless he was doing well over the speed limit then he will have to.

And yes your brother is a bellend for binning your post, but you can't change that now, so I would just forget it and move on.

unname · 26/11/2021 15:54

You mentioned multiple times that your mother has denied he’s doing this and indicated it’s a major aspect of your frustration. Which says that you have discussed it with her and are trying to get her on side.

You aren’t children. She’s not able to punish him. You know he did it and know he’s not going to confess it.

Drop the rope and stop discussing him with her. You won’t get what you want out it and will only cause more family drama.

He’s an ass. Just make sure he has no more power over you.

Original poster
Yesiknowhowpettythisis · 26/11/2021 15:55

@Mamamia7962

Can he? His understanding is that it’s now beyond that and he has to go to court. I thought he has to go to court to pay the fine? Don’t understand how this works!

OP posts:
Kotatsu · 26/11/2021 16:02

Family binning it sucks and there's no getting around that.

My ex-MIL is still fielding post for my ex-BIL after 20 years, and my own parents wouldn't dream of hiding post from my ex when it comes in his name, despite his behaviour.

In fact, I've always kept/forwarded/reported (as appopriate) post for all previous tenants of wherever I've lived to, because that's reasonable - family would get far more.

having said that, given he's a self-absorbed shit, I would just set up another redirect, and be more diligent this time.

ElftonWednesday · 26/11/2021 16:05

While, yes it's annoying to keep receiving post 2 years after someone has left, and yes you should have changed the address relating to vehicle ownership, at the same time if I saw an important-looking letter for someone - DVLA, Tax , NHS etc I certainly wouldn't bin it and would make sure they received it.

LIZS · 26/11/2021 16:09

If you now have the court details he can ring and ask whether he has to attend or if he can still plead guilty in advance. However there will have been multiple letters, from police rather than DVLA, NIP asking for the driver details , offering fine/points or Speed Awareness Course etc. If you have not changed the address for the car do so online asap, where have Tax reminders, insurance renewals etc been going?

Your issue with your brother is separate. Can you reinstate the post forwarding to capture any other items fir a few months so you know what else you may have missed.

Saucy99 · 26/11/2021 16:18

@Yesiknowhowpettythisis

He I very nasty, nasty piece of work.
I told him to fuck off.
I hate him.

I wonder why he wasn't falling over himself to do you a favour.....

SomeFuckingWizardry · 26/11/2021 16:22

Just FYI - you can get £1000 fine for not updating the address the car is registered to in a timely manner - going in and saying you were relying on mail forwarding for 2 years (even the official kind for 1 year) and that you didn't realise is unlikely to go down very well at court I would imagine, it's super important to learn what addresses need to be updated ASAP when you move.

www.gov.uk/change-address-v5c

Very very petty - sibling warfare/binned post
MaskingForIt · 26/11/2021 16:22

Send him a turd in the post.

Christmassy833 · 26/11/2021 16:25

I feel for you, OP! Your brother sounds petty and annoying. Agree with the Pp who said if he bins your post because he’s sick of it, surely giving it to your mother with a “tell her to change it” would solve that better?!

Oh, and I never bin anyone’s post! I write “not at this address” and put it back in the postbox. It would be unkind not to - and it has the added bonus of making those companies stop sending me letters! I can’t believe how many people say they’d bin post!

But I don’t think it’s an offence?

I think the best way forward is to set up a new postal redirect so you can see what’s going there, make sure you’ve changed everything, and try to let it go with your brother because I don’t think you can win this one. Mostly because I doubt you’d be able to get him into trouble and I doubt he cares. Holding onto all this hate is only bad for you.

And if you explain your circumstances to the dvla, you may get the fine reduced back to its original.

waterSpider · 26/11/2021 16:32

It is some kind of offence ...

freemanssolicitors.net/news-blog/postal-offences-2/

PinkWednesdays · 26/11/2021 16:34

@diddl

It does seem a shame that there's no reminder with the driving license.

I'm guessing you are expected to remember from when you fill it in that there is a "change of address" section.

There is. I got my updated licence this week. With it was a slip saying don’t forget to do your V5 or you could be fined…
Nasturs · 26/11/2021 16:36

somehow get him into trouble for binning our post

Who do you imagine you might get him in trouble with?

Shakinstevensisquestionable · 26/11/2021 16:38

You all need to grow up

ThinWomansBrain · 26/11/2021 16:42

I'm surprised there wasn't any check on the veicle when you renewed the insurance - or is that at the old address too?

www.reallymoving.com/help-and-advice/change-of-address-checklist

HyacynthBucket · 26/11/2021 16:44

Its tough OP but you won't change him or your DM, so save yourself the energy and aggravation. You are already NC so continue to be NC and live your life. If you do the retaliation thing, you will just be engaging with him and continuing the anger and frustration you feel as there will be some response from him. I get that you are sad about not having the brother relationship you should, but that won't happen now, anyway. So disengage which will help you more, and you will be free from it all. I know how hard it is to lose the brother you want (it happened to me too), but acceptance that it is not ideal is the way forward. Flowers

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 26/11/2021 16:47

PS - moved this year. Updated driving license. Did not know I had to update the car info separately. So thanks!

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