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AIBU to think my DD is telling the truth, not the teacher?
277

BearBirdBaboon · 26/11/2021 09:56

If a child tells one version of events and an adult tells another version of events, I think people automatically think the child is lying. A situation like this has come up at my DD's school, during a private music lesson, so only my DD and the teacher were there, so only they know what went on (nothing bad).

My DD is rarely dishonest and there's no reason why she would lie, as it's not something she would have got into trouble for.

Anyway, I think now that people would think that my DD is not telling the truth and I don't think that's fair.

Are you more likely to believe a teacher's version of events or your own child's version of events?

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

ThirdElephant · 27/11/2021 18:19

How old is said child and how long ago is the disputed incident? Sometimes kids' memories of things get warped.

A kid I'd once taught accused me a couple of years later of having scrunched up their work in front of them! They were misremembering a lesson where I'd used a crinkled paper heart as an analogy for people's feelings being hurt by unkind words.

Kids often struggle to remember whole incidents so their brain fills in the gaps in weird and wonderful ways.

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Georgie8 · 27/11/2021 18:31

Agree with @LittleGwyneth and always told my children that people aren’t necessarily lying when they give a different version of an event.

There’s person A’s truth and person B’s truth and somewhere in the middle is the unbiased truth.

However, a panda in the room ….

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Happyher · 27/11/2021 19:11

You seem to have made your mind up and just want some validation. Wouldn’t it be better to chat to other parents who’s children interact with this teacher to find out what others think of her. How can we agree or disagree when we have no perspective of the situation. Why is it not fine just to believe your daughter

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gumball37 · 27/11/2021 19:47

My child. In fact... Literally called my child a liar over a missing toy. I was fuming. Went to where he was(a daycamp over the summer) looked where he told me to (and had told them too... Which they said they did and he was lying... It wasn't there according to them). I found it right away. I left and none of my kids will never go there again. Oh and the lying woman told me my kid had problems Al because of me and that she'd pray (extra dig because I'm an atheist) that we'd be better people. Fucking bitch. At least I'm not raising a liar. Cunt. It's been like 8 years... I still hate her.

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CuriousCassie · 27/11/2021 20:16

Sometimes it can be a total misunderstanding and both are right.
I remember being furious as a 6/7yo child because a babysitter had clearly promised we could go to the shops late at night and then denied she'd said any such thing.
In fact she'd asked if I wanted to spend a penny? I'd eagerly agreed, hoping she might let me spend a little more.
It was not a term we used at home

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Gillimac37 · 27/11/2021 21:32

As a long time secondary teacher, I have never met a child who has been put outside a classroom who accepts they actually have done anything wrong. I have never met a teacher or put a pupil out of a classroom who did nothing either. A lot of it is perspective and misunderstanding.
The ability to just let it go and move on is the most important thing. Unless it really is bad situation.

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ErmineAndPearls · 27/11/2021 22:14

How long before someone adopts the username “PandaInThe Room”? I’m a teacher. I’m so done with adults, both parents and management, believing children, no matter what they say. We’ve gone beyond child protection and are now at the point of child veneration. PPs are right, some kids tell lies about teachers because there are no real consequences. I’ve seen experienced, accomplished teachers driven out of their jobs because of one disgruntled pupil’s accusations. Nearly driven to nervous breakdown, as well - because they valued their job and reputation so much. I had a colleague who (unthinkingly) laid her hand on a boy’s shoulder to stop him rushing off. He looked her directly in the eye and said coolly, “You shouldn’t touch me. You could hurt me.” Chilling.

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Anitarest · 27/11/2021 22:25

If you’re really unhappy and you’re paying for private music lessons in school time, stop.
Get your dd lessons elsewhere.

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BearBirdBaboon · 27/11/2021 22:36

OK, I hear those saying that my panda and tennis examples are not helpful enough. I am just worried about being outed in real life, as I think it's a bit of a unique situation and so it would be really easy for me to be outed.

Anyway, in a hope of providing more detail without being too specific, it's basically something like this (with actual instruments concerned substituted for flute & clarinet): DD has clarinet lessons. Teacher's main instrument is the flute, but plays the clarinet. DD says teacher mainly teaches her the clarinet with the flute. Teacher says this is not the case, therefore implying what my DD is saying is untrue. I believe my DD.

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youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/11/2021 22:45

If it's the case your child is learning an entirely different instrument than you're paying for them to learn, of course you're reasonable to pull them out of lessons. Is that what's happening?

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Aristodog · 27/11/2021 23:02

But that could just be a question of perspective, couldn’t it?

Teacher might play the clarinet most of the time, but demonstrate phrasing etc on the flute if she thinks she could do that more effectively. I’ve certainly done similar - technique generally needs to be on the right instrument but if it’s an example of “I want you to play the dynamics so it sounds like this” then it could be on almost any instrument (or voice!)

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BoredZelda · 27/11/2021 23:06

I usually take all things into consideration and realise that children and adults often have different versions of the same thing. Sometimes adults say or do things which are interpreted in different ways by children. Things can be taken very literally by children.

As an example, my daughter told me once she wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet at break time anymore, she had been told this by her ASNA. What actually happened was, that particular day, all the ASNAs were dealing with situations where children had to be taken to the medical room and there wasn’t anyone free to take her to the toilet at break time so if she could wait that would be good.

I often have to ask her exactly what words were said, to get the real story. She isn’t lying, she just heard words and came to a conclusion.

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BoredZelda · 27/11/2021 23:09

DD says teacher mainly teaches her the clarinet with the flute. Teacher says this is not the case, therefore implying what my DD is saying is untrue. I believe my DD.

The issue here is the definition of “mainly”

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ldontWanna · 27/11/2021 23:11

@BearBirdBaboon

OK, I hear those saying that my panda and tennis examples are not helpful enough. I am just worried about being outed in real life, as I think it's a bit of a unique situation and so it would be really easy for me to be outed.

Anyway, in a hope of providing more detail without being too specific, it's basically something like this (with actual instruments concerned substituted for flute & clarinet): DD has clarinet lessons. Teacher's main instrument is the flute, but plays the clarinet. DD says teacher mainly teaches her the clarinet with the flute. Teacher says this is not the case, therefore implying what my DD is saying is untrue. I believe my DD.

Can your DD give specific examples/dates and quantify the frequency of a flute being used?
Not because I doubt her, but if you want this sorted she will be asked for more details than "mostly".
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BoredZelda · 27/11/2021 23:11

if it’s an example of “I want you to play the dynamics so it sounds like this” then it could be on almost any instrument (or voice!)

Exactly. My oboe teacher demonstrated everything on the piano.

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Anitarest · 27/11/2021 23:20

Puzzled. If it isn’t dynamics the teacher is using the clarinet for I can’t see how it would work. Flutes are a C instrument, most clarinets are Bflat so the music wouldn’t look the same, though the teacher can probably transpose automatically, the fingering isn’t the same, the playing technique isn’t the same as clarinets have a reed. Why not just ask?

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BearBirdBaboon · 27/11/2021 23:39

Teacher said what DD says has never happened.

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TatianaBis · 27/11/2021 23:42

Played 2 instruments from the age of 3 to a high level. Never heard of an instrument teacher demonstrating something on another instrument in an individual lesson. (Ensemble is different).

It’s such an odd thing to invent, I’d be more inclined to believe DD. (Particularly given the number of lousy music teachers in this country).

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katem1990 · 27/11/2021 23:47

@BearBirdBaboon

OK, I hear those saying that my panda and tennis examples are not helpful enough. I am just worried about being outed in real life, as I think it's a bit of a unique situation and so it would be really easy for me to be outed.

Anyway, in a hope of providing more detail without being too specific, it's basically something like this (with actual instruments concerned substituted for flute & clarinet): DD has clarinet lessons. Teacher's main instrument is the flute, but plays the clarinet. DD says teacher mainly teaches her the clarinet with the flute. Teacher says this is not the case, therefore implying what my DD is saying is untrue. I believe my DD.

It doesn't sound like your DD could have misunderstood anything, that's very black and white - either he's using a flute or he's using a clarinet.

She has nothing to gain by lying. I'd 100% believe her - and likely put my money elsewhere to prove the point.
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NoodlesPoodles · 27/11/2021 23:50

I had a music teacher at school who taught a variety of woodwind instruments and she would often use the flute when demonstrating a piece of music or when playing along with us. She also used the actual instrument we were learning as well- so basically switched between the two instruments. I just assumed this was normal based on my experience but maybe not?!? Regardless, I would think that a clarinet teacher would/should be spending the majority of the lesson playing the clarinet.

Does the teacher accept that she plays the flute sometimes and the clarinet most of the time? Or does she deny the flute being used at all?

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Mamanyt · 27/11/2021 23:54

I think that it is just possible that the teacher plays the flute along with your daughter's clarinet sometimes to show her how instruments work with and support each other. That would be reasonable, depending on what level she is playing in. And could easily be described that way by your daughter.

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BearBirdBaboon · 27/11/2021 23:55

Teacher denies using the flute.

Yes, it would be an odd thing to invent, which is why I don't think the teacher is being truthful, but my DD, being the child, I think seems unlikely to be believed.

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Tiaptia85 · 28/11/2021 00:22

I can't see any issues here. The teacher might used the flute but could not admit it as might get in trouble for that. Why the teacher was using flute is the other question. Maybe traveling from school to school and carrying flute, clarinet, xylophone, keyboard (each lesson in each school could be very different) isnt that possible, so for their sake just used the flute for one or the other instance. As long as your daugther makes progress I wouldn't worry about the way the teacher chooses to delivery the lesson.

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GodIsAVegan · 28/11/2021 01:06

I can't see any issues here. The teacher might used the flute but could not admit it as might get in trouble for that.

So the OPs daughter gets disbelieved. I don’t think that’s ok really. The teacher should admit that she is indeed using a different instrument, and if it really isn’t causing an issue with learning then fine. If it’s not allowed then the teacher needs to stop doing it. But to just not admit it when questioned, and that result in OPs daughter basically being called a liar, isn’t acceptable.

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Bleachmycloths · 28/11/2021 07:04

Your question is unanswerable without details.

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