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AIBU to think my DD is telling the truth, not the teacher?
277

BearBirdBaboon · 26/11/2021 09:56

If a child tells one version of events and an adult tells another version of events, I think people automatically think the child is lying. A situation like this has come up at my DD's school, during a private music lesson, so only my DD and the teacher were there, so only they know what went on (nothing bad).

My DD is rarely dishonest and there's no reason why she would lie, as it's not something she would have got into trouble for.

Anyway, I think now that people would think that my DD is not telling the truth and I don't think that's fair.

Are you more likely to believe a teacher's version of events or your own child's version of events?

OP's posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

LolaLouLou · 28/11/2021 07:45

Does your daughter generally enjoy music lessons?

Do you pay for them privately? If so, if you don't think that it is right for your daughter choose a different teacher.

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00100001 · 28/11/2021 07:57

@Tiaptia85

I can't see any issues here. The teacher might used the flute but could not admit it as might get in trouble for that. Why the teacher was using flute is the other question. Maybe traveling from school to school and carrying flute, clarinet, xylophone, keyboard (each lesson in each school could be very different) isnt that possible, so for their sake just used the flute for one or the other instance. As long as your daugther makes progress I wouldn't worry about the way the teacher chooses to delivery the lesson.

It's not about whether the flute was used or not.


It's about if the teacher or daughter is telling the truth.
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Bleachmycloths · 28/11/2021 08:02

@Grayskelly

It could have been a metaphorical panda.
I used to call my friends ex a panda.
Like a panda he eats roots and leaves. Or eats, roots and leaves.
Either way he was a deadshit waste of space, but unlikely to be in your DDs school music room.

I haven’t heard this one.
I have only heard of ‘Eats SHOOTS and leaves.’
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ldontWanna · 28/11/2021 08:17

@BearBirdBaboon

Teacher denies using the flute.

Yes, it would be an odd thing to invent, which is why I don't think the teacher is being truthful, but my DD, being the child, I think seems unlikely to be believed.

So she said she never used the flute?
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Nodancingshoes · 28/11/2021 08:25

It may be their own interpretations of the same event - maybe no one is lying.
Saying that, I remember a parents evening when I was 7 where the teacher told my parents that I used to stamp my feet when I couldnt get my own way. I STILL say this never happened - it just was not in my nature. I dont know why she would say it.

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ldontWanna · 28/11/2021 08:33

@Bleachmycloths

Your question is unanswerable without details.

OP added details.
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Gosports · 28/11/2021 08:47

@TatianaBis

Would you care to explain why you think music teaching in this county is so bad? That’s pretty insulting.

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00100001 · 28/11/2021 09:02

[quote Gosports]@TatianaBis

Would you care to explain why you think music teaching in this county is so bad? That’s pretty insulting.[/quote]
She didn't say that
She said there are a lot of lousy music teachers.... Which stands to reason. Just because you can play an instrument doesn't mean you can teach it well...

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BudgeSquare · 28/11/2021 09:13

@Anitarest

Puzzled. If it isn’t dynamics the teacher is using the clarinet for I can’t see how it would work. Flutes are a C instrument, most clarinets are Bflat so the music wouldn’t look the same, though the teacher can probably transpose automatically, the fingering isn’t the same, the playing technique isn’t the same as clarinets have a reed. Why not just ask?

Op said those are different instruments substituted for the actual ones. It's not actually clarinet and flute. So the specifics of clarinet and flute are irrelevant.
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Confusedteacher · 28/11/2021 09:21

How old is DD?
Has the music teacher completely denied ever using the flute or just denied that they ‘mainly’ use the flute?
Is DD making progress and enjoying the lessons, in which case does it matter?!

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Strangeways19 · 28/11/2021 09:48

Yah I've had this a few years ago, a staff member at DD's secondary school lied about something, she had gone to staff member saying she was unwell & staff sent her back to class where she'd then been sick. Staff member then said to DD, 'you should've said you felt unwell' I went back to the school & asked why the staff member hadn't listened to DD & it was awful, they all stuck together like a well oiled machine. I believed my DD to this day still do. Was an absolutely crap response from the school.
Id say go with your instinct every time

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Gosports · 28/11/2021 10:21

@TatianaBis @00100001

She said there were lousy music teachers ‘in this country’, which you could read as the teaching here is worse than in other countries. She didn’t say there were lousy teachers full stop. So why so bad in this country?

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ReuT3 · 28/11/2021 10:31

When I was at school I found that some teachers would be mistaken to the extent of giving a teenager a detention for not handing in their homework when the teacher had the homework book in the cupboard all the time. I don’t know why my sister didn’t know she had homework as she was disorganised and had poor listening skills but her eyes were fine. If she had her homework book she could be sure she had homework but because she didn’t have it or written anything in her planner when she came in the following lesson she didn’t know she had homework. She could be at fault for being disorganised but he also didn’t hand out the books either.
Teachers aren’t perfect. If I were to teach my child that lying wasn’t good in this situation I’d hope to do it without casting blame because your DD probably has to see this teacher for 5-10years. If it’s a small misunderstanding like mine it’s one to be mindful that a teacher isn’t very confident in their job despite the little bit of training some of them get but also to teach your child that everyone has their problems/ blindspotsetc.

If it’s a big issue like theft, rape etc you want to go through with the laws. If someone became a teacher for that reason or to do those things they aren’t teachers.

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ReuT3 · 28/11/2021 10:42

It seems like something small. Maybe teach your child that some people just aren’t confident at their jobs. It may bring out a nurturing side of her that will make things better in the future. Also maybe coach your child in understanding how to manage others reactions to lying by authority may help her navigate authority figures in the future. Your DD doesn’t have to be worried about being outed by a teacher as college and university friends and teachers will probably take a bigger role as long as your DD understands that people aren’t perfect and the issues can be managed in many ways. Just don’t forget to help your DD in subject with teachers you worry about as these may be the classes they fall short in.

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PlanktonsComputerWife · 28/11/2021 11:08

Maybe teach your child that some people just aren’t confident at their jobs. It may bring out a nurturing side of her that will make things better in the future.

Interested as to whether you would phrase this thus were OP's DD a boy.

I don't think children should be coached to be hypocrites and overlook lies and incompetence. I get that this country is built and run exclusively on lies and incompetence, but let us let the children at least occasionally point out that the emperor has no clothes.

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ldontWanna · 28/11/2021 12:07

@ReuT3

It seems like something small. Maybe teach your child that some people just aren’t confident at their jobs. It may bring out a nurturing side of her that will make things better in the future. Also maybe coach your child in understanding how to manage others reactions to lying by authority may help her navigate authority figures in the future. Your DD doesn’t have to be worried about being outed by a teacher as college and university friends and teachers will probably take a bigger role as long as your DD understands that people aren’t perfect and the issues can be managed in many ways. Just don’t forget to help your DD in subject with teachers you worry about as these may be the classes they fall short in.

Bullshit, so if you go somewhere,anywhere you don't expect a basic good service? If the person doing the job is not "confident " you just do it yourself? Prescribe your own meds, do your own legal research, serve your own food, plaster your own wall, stitch your own injury, teach yourself x,y,z ? Really?

It's not a child's job to "manage" the adults that are supposed to teach them , overlook their incompetence or work harder to make up for their lack of "confidence ".

Its nobody's job to overlook ,ignore or hide other people's lies .

The adult wasn't very kind,empathetic or considerate making OP's DD sound like a liar was she?
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Lndnmummy · 28/11/2021 12:13

My child. Every single time. There were times when I did not fully understand the micro aggressions that black children face and as a result of my own white privilige disbelieved my child on several occasions. Never ever again. I will work to make up for that until the day that I die and the shame and guilt will follow me to my grave.

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CouldIhaveaword · 28/11/2021 12:40

The problem may lie in the perception of "mainly".

Sometimes picking up another instrument to demonstrate/play along/whatever, is not the same as a teacher "always" reverting to their preferred instrument.

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JumperandJacket · 28/11/2021 12:40

Believe your child, OP. She has no reason to lie, whereas the teacher does. What’s more, it’s important that she knows that you believe and trust her- today it’s flutes and clarinets but in future it could be something far more important.

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enjoyitwhileitlasts · 28/11/2021 18:31

I was at my childs school concert many years ago and the teacher was being extremely nice and kind to all the children. I said to my child Mrs Teacher is really nice isnt she ? my child replied "she always is when the mums are there". It is very easy to think teachers are always right and the child is lying, after all they are the adult. I couldnt trust that woman again.

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ReuT3 · 28/11/2021 20:44

You’re not overlooking it and not teaching your child to overlook it but is what they said as bad as calling someone a liar? “That’s not the case” never really seemed like a loaded sentence to me. Is there something I haven’t read?

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ReuT3 · 28/11/2021 20:50

Christmas, warehouse, waitress, tillier.
Hangovers, going to work with flu, bad night with the kids, anger management, just couldn’t sleep, came on their period and are now rocking in agony, these are real things people work through and if you think they do a perfect job every single day then you don’t really look or care.

You can address the issue but don’t stab them in the back because you want to hang someone for some little thing they said to your child. Will people chill and use their brains?

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RedskyThisNight · 29/11/2021 09:41

This could still easily be a question of semantics though.
"teacher mainly teaches her the clarinet with the flute." might mean that the teacher actually uses the flute to teach her correct methods of playing, fingering etc.

Or it might mean that the teacher occasionally plays the tune using a flute so DD can hear what it should sound like. Which I imagine the teacher would not consider to be "teaching using the flute" but DD might well. Or uses the flute to accompany DD. Again, probably not teaching in the teacher's eyes.

The main point for me would be why you asked in the first place. If you have concerns that DD is not progressing as you should and suspect his might be because the teacher teaches using a different instrument, then perhaps address the lack of progression rather than the instrument?

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riceuten · 29/11/2021 11:08

I have definitely noticed a tendency for parents to believe their child's version of events nowadays, against an almost blanket trust in what teachers say when I was young. There are numerous drivers to this, but it doesn't make teachers' jobs any easier when parents flatly contradict what the school asks children to do.

Generally, professional adults who face being disbarred from the profession if they were found being dishonest have a considerable incentive to tell the truth. A truculent 12 year old with anger management issues, perhaps less so.

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JustLikea · 29/11/2021 11:46

My DD is an expert in spinning the truth and I've been caught out a few times now when I've contacted the school.

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