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AIBU to think my DD is telling the truth, not the teacher?
277

BearBirdBaboon · 26/11/2021 09:56

If a child tells one version of events and an adult tells another version of events, I think people automatically think the child is lying. A situation like this has come up at my DD's school, during a private music lesson, so only my DD and the teacher were there, so only they know what went on (nothing bad).

My DD is rarely dishonest and there's no reason why she would lie, as it's not something she would have got into trouble for.

Anyway, I think now that people would think that my DD is not telling the truth and I don't think that's fair.

Are you more likely to believe a teacher's version of events or your own child's version of events?

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

ldontWanna · 26/11/2021 21:27

It really depends on the lie,the kid,the circumstances.

Adults, even teachers do lie to get themselves out of trouble or to minimise/dismiss things just like kids do and I work in a school.


I'll be honest, the lie would bother me. A lot more than a mistake,wrong choice of words ,wrong equipment used or whatever.

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lljkk · 26/11/2021 22:27

pffft. is this about something important or tennis vs. squash balls?

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Hertsgirl10 · 26/11/2021 22:36

No matter what, I would always believe my child over an adult. Simply because I wouldn’t ever want a child of mine to feel like they won’t be believed it they needed to tell me something very important, how many abusers say no one would believe you?
I know it isn’t that in this situation but by not believing on silly things, shows them that you don’t trust them and gives any potential abusers a head start.

If they’re fully banged to rights then yes obviously they mustn’t be believed but in circumstances like this I would always have my child’s back. Especially knowing teachers are human too and make mishaps.

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lazylinguist · 26/11/2021 22:52

Impossible to day knowing the child, the teacher and the situation!

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Hertsgirl10 · 26/11/2021 22:59

I think Harriet’schariot worked for the bbc.. in the Jim’ll fix it days 👀

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BogRollBOGOF · 26/11/2021 23:07

I tend to start from the point of truth being somewhere in the middle and that each side has their own perception and filters.
Context, agenda and history are relevant too. Lies can happen, but biased accounts are more likely.

When DS told me that a supply teacher had told him off about his messy dyslexic/ dyspraxic writing and made him rewrite it, I believed him because I've seen that particular bitch in action when helping in school with interventions, and the dyslexic children I helped were always relieved to get a break from her. I spoke to the regular teacher and approached it from a "did she have the SEN information avaliable because Ptolomy reported that..." angle. Having been a supply teacher, I've usually instilled that it's a difficult job because they don't know all the pupils. She didn't do many stints in school because there was always an aftermath of complaints and she's the worst example of the profession I've ever seen in action.

I did not believe DS when he told me (aged 6) that DS (4) had bitten him.

  1. DS2 has never been a biter.
  2. DS2 had a full set of milk teeth. DS1, exactly like the deep bite mark in his arm was missing teeth. There were no other suspects Grin

    I lied to the headteacher when I was 8 because I was embarrased. I'd been told off by the duty teacher for answering back, when I'd been perching on the edge of the wall and told off for sitting on the flower bed. I turned to my friend and asked "we're not sitting on the garden are we?" (thinking we weren't literally on the garden) and didn't consider that to be answering back to the teacher because I didn't say that to her. On being sent in to the library, the head teacher asked why I was in there and embarrased about being in trouble, told her that I'd been allowed to go there to look at the books. Naturally this was cross-checked, I was busted and ended up missing afternoon break too. The teacher's account would be a far simpler, sitting on the garden/ answered back cheekily response.
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Downton57 · 26/11/2021 23:10

Always having your child's back shouldn't equate to believing everything they say about what happens in school. Far better for your child's development if you bear in mind that there will be at least two sides to a story.

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Bogofftosomewherehot · 27/11/2021 06:04

@LuaDipa

I would always believe my children.

I knew a mum like this. Her daughter was a nasty bully and I witnessed it with my own eyes on numerous occasions. But her little angel said "not me mummy" so it carried on and on and on.
One day karma will step in and mummy won't be there to endorse and enable.
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Tenfifteen · 27/11/2021 06:54

I take a slightly different approach. Whatever the situation I am always on my DCs side. So that might mean helping with interpreting what’s happened if it’s a grey area, getting them to let things go if it doesn’t matter, or if it was material (let alone serious) batting for them completely until I was satisfied things are resolved.

I know adults. Plenty lie. It’s not black and white.

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JustJoinedRightNow · 27/11/2021 07:16

@Tenfifteen

I take a slightly different approach. Whatever the situation I am always on my DCs side. So that might mean helping with interpreting what’s happened if it’s a grey area, getting them to let things go if it doesn’t matter, or if it was material (let alone serious) batting for them completely until I was satisfied things are resolved.

I know adults. Plenty lie. It’s not black and white.

I agree with this.
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WonderWomansBoobs · 27/11/2021 08:13

My daughter has anxiety and suspected asd. It was agreed with school she could sit out of pe as she hated it and it was stopping her attending school. One day I received a call as soon as school ended to say my dd had had a meltdown in pe. They said she was offered the choice of doing pe or not and she chose to do it. Then refused to engage and disrupted the lesson for the class by having a meltdown in the middle of the hall. She got detention for it the next day.
When dd got home she was upset and said they made her do pe, then she had a meltdown and couldn't come out of it. I made sure to tell school I believed dd and she would not be attending detention. There's no way she would have voluntarily did pe.

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SpiderinaWingMirror · 27/11/2021 10:36

Oldest and youngest kids, pretty much always believe them .
Middle one always played fast and loose with the truth.

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GodIsAVegan · 27/11/2021 10:54

I would never automatically take the word of a teacher.

If it’s a situation that could have been seen differently by my child to the teacher, I’d ask questions and try to get to the bottom of it.

In a straightforward situation like you seem to be describing, I would believe my children.

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whydobirds · 27/11/2021 11:22

I'm a safeguarding lead (and also used to be an instrumental teacher).
From a safeguarding pov, whatever the teacher's perspective, it is really dangerous to plant in a child's head the idea that their perspective is wrong, and that things didn't happen the way they think they did.
Worst case, if this idea is repeated enough it could result in your dd not trusting her own judgement or perspective if things then got worse and someone did something with the intention of harming her. It is possible for people with malevolent intent towards children to end up in teaching roles -although safer recruitment practices should weed out anyone who has been found to be a risk, if someone has never been reported before, and if previous employers weren't aware of any issues, people can slip through the cracks. It isn't infallible.

From an instrumental teaching pov, if it is just something to do with how she played a particular passage, sometimes it is incredibly difficult to judge subtleties in the moment while playing as your brain is doing a lot of processing and perhaps you could suggest that the teacher records things so your dd can listen back, as just saying she didn't do it as asked won't help her to hear what she did wrong, even if the teacher then plays it for her. You get a very different perspective on something you've played when you listen back, and it is more helpful to do that, and then have the teacher explain what to do physically at that point to achieve the desired effect, and then to have the pupil experiment with different physical techniques, than for the teacher to just play it and say 'do it like this'.

If it was about the physical presence of something in the room that your dd could see but the teacher was denying, it could be that the teacher simply didn't look and said 'no there isn't' as a response to a distraction, but even so, that would raise queries with me as no adult should be automatically dismissing what a child says. Perception is reality, and two people can have radically different interpretations of the same situation without either being wrong, and it is really important that adults ingrain this in kids. It is vital to remember that there are those who gaslight to undermine and control - if people (adults or children) are used to hearing that their perception is flawed they will start to question their judgement, and eventually their sanity, and when dealing with contact between adults and kids, especially when that contact is unsupervised and 1:1, it's essential to assume that the worst could happen and not to put children in harm's way by doing anything to make them doubt their own version of events. The balance of power is already on the adult's side.

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aquashiv · 27/11/2021 11:30

Madness lies in trying to judge whose right or wrong.
People do abuse power from both an adult and child perspective. It's always important that teachers are role models and should act as such. Saying a child is a lied is very unprofessional.

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whydobirds · 27/11/2021 11:32

Should also add that my own dd always had a radically different perspective from that of everyone else in her class, and her teacher too. Turns out she has ASD so interprets social interactions very differently from others, and also has ADHD with very keen RSD so feels any disapproval or perceived disapproval extremely keenly.

If we had just told her she was lying, rather than assuming that she was telling a truth we couldn't see, she would probably not have those diagnoses as her social masking is completely on point.

Kids do lie, yes, but nobody lies for no reason, and even in a situation where a child has blatantly lied it is much more useful to get to the bottom of why, rather than just to discount them. Our job as parents and educators is to teach children how to navigate adult life successfully and how to manage feelings, difficulties and uncomfortable situations appropriately, not to shut them down.

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itsallgoingpearshaped · 27/11/2021 12:03

I'm a parent and a ta.

I've seen children lie/teachers tell the truth, parents believe child.
I've seen children lie/teachers tell the truth, parents believe teacher.
I've seen children tell the truth/teachers lie, parents believe child.
I've seen children tell the truth/teachers lie, parents believe teacher.

You have to know your child; many parents think they do, but they don't.

I've known when to defend mine and when they weren't being entirely honest ... it's really hard sometimes, but you have to be open to your children lying. You also have to be open to the fact that some teachers will lie to cover up mistakes.

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youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/11/2021 13:21

It's really strange you won't explain what the actual situation is 😂

I'm assuming it's keyboard vs piano being used as that's the only analogy I can think of that makes sense.

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CountToTen · 27/11/2021 17:39

Personally I'd side with my child unless there was reason to go against them

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Suzanne999 · 27/11/2021 17:43

Depends on the situation and the age of the child. I was a teacher years ago —- one of the Reception kids told his mum a police car had come to the school and taken two of the teachers away. Wishful thinking on the child’s part, it never happened but his mother had 100% believed it. She was gobsmacked that her child had invented the story, he was barely 5 though.

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Celestine70 · 27/11/2021 17:50

My kids had a teacher that was a regular liar.

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JudgeJ · 27/11/2021 17:53

@Dtukvg

Don't be silly, of course there was a panda in the room.

No, but there's usually an elephant in the room!
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Iusedtoliveinsanfrancisco · 27/11/2021 17:59

If you no longer have trust in the music teacher stop the lessons.

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Maireas · 27/11/2021 18:00

There's cctv in schools now, a panda would surely show up on that and prove your child to be truthful.

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BudgeSquare · 27/11/2021 18:01

@Maireas

There's cctv in schools now, a panda would surely show up on that and prove your child to be truthful.

Last time i checked they were playing tennis. Is it panda tennis?
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