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AIBU to think my DD is telling the truth, not the teacher?
277

BearBirdBaboon · 26/11/2021 09:56

If a child tells one version of events and an adult tells another version of events, I think people automatically think the child is lying. A situation like this has come up at my DD's school, during a private music lesson, so only my DD and the teacher were there, so only they know what went on (nothing bad).

My DD is rarely dishonest and there's no reason why she would lie, as it's not something she would have got into trouble for.

Anyway, I think now that people would think that my DD is not telling the truth and I don't think that's fair.

Are you more likely to believe a teacher's version of events or your own child's version of events?

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

Kippersfortea · 26/11/2021 11:08

I believe that everyone has their own version of events and remembers things differently as they interpret their environment differently. It's just different perspectives. They are both the truth to those people, but the absolute truth usually falls somewhere in the middle. Or sometimes the other person just can't see it because they are looking a different way.

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Kippersfortea · 26/11/2021 11:09

I always come from the assumption that everyone is telling me the truth. I listen to both stories before making any judgement.

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CaMePlaitPas · 26/11/2021 11:09

It depends on the situation, context and interpretation. Children don't often understand the reasons behind why something is happening. Of course, I trust my children and I want them to talk to me, I would continue to probe and then bring up the situation with the teacher if it was particularly concerning.

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Almostmenopausal · 26/11/2021 11:10

@LuaDipa

Why? are the perfect ??

Of course not, but what kind of message are you giving to your children if you don’t unconditionally believe the things they say and assume that a relative stranger would be telling the truth above them.

I don’t actually agree with the notion that kids lie. I think they are generally very truthful as they have no reason to lie. They may misinterpret things, in the same way as an adult, but they don’t lie.

I do have direct experience of a teacher lying. He was unaware that I had heard the entire exchange and he lied as he knew he had said something that he shouldn’t. In fairness though, I would have believed my dd either way. I’m not sure that the school would have though.

My 6yr old lied last week! Said that she had an entirely different meal than what she had actually had for lunch. Admitted it eventually. She did it because she didn't want me to know that she'd tried a new food item (and liked it), in case I began giving her it at home......!
Why it would be an issue for me to start giving her something she likes, is anyone's guess, but 🤷🏼‍♀️ She also lied last night when she told me she'd brushed her teeth before bed!!! She hates going to sleep with the taste of toothpaste in her mouth and either pretends to do it or puts a pinprick amount on the brush! Grin🙄

So yeah, you're extreeeeemely naïve if you genuinely believe children do not lie!!
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Almostmenopausal · 26/11/2021 11:10

@AnkleDeep

I always asked, "If I spoke to Ms XXXXXX what would she say happened?"

That way the truth often emerged.

Love this!!!
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FromageRay · 26/11/2021 11:11

@Lavender24 Aha, noted!

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musicviking1 · 26/11/2021 11:12

My children hate confrontation and hate the thought of getting anyone into trouble so I know if they've told me something it's something that is really troubling them...so yes I can safely say I'd believe them.

For example my son's teacher shouted over to him that he was an embarrassment the other day during school rugby game in front of everyone, my son came home and told me, said it wasn't unusual for his teacher to call him names during these sessions. I believe him.

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Weeteeny · 26/11/2021 11:13

Gosh Harriot, that is a I very hardline view. "children lie and are fundamentally dishonest"

If I took this line my DC would still have contact with their abusive father. It took a lot for them to disclose emotional and physical abuse that was taking place whilst residing with their father. I was blindsided but believe them wholeheartedly . They were accused of being liars , however it is their father who is now a proven liar.

Children should never be denied the right to challenge.

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BearBirdBaboon · 26/11/2021 11:13

My DD was not challenging authority. She told me about something, I asked about it at school, I was told what my DD said was not the case. It was automatically assumed that my DD was lying/misinterpreted the situation or whatever you want to call it, and the teacher's version of events was taken as fact.

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IncompleteSenten · 26/11/2021 11:15

[quote Lavender24]**@FromageRay* I can't tell if you're serious or stirring*

She's always stirring. This is the same poster who thinks children shouldn't share bedrooms because they will sexually abuse each other.[/quote]
Disturbing theme that poster has going on then.

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Notimeforaname · 26/11/2021 11:16

Again without knowing the situation it's hard to get where you're coming from or offer advice.

It could be about panda's or music, any type of lie. It's all too vague to know who is being unreasonable

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LuaDipa · 26/11/2021 11:16

You might come across a few issues if you stick to that way of thinking.....🤔

My kids are 16 and 13 and aside from an odd teenage tantrum (dd) they are amazing kids. They are never in trouble at school and their teachers invariably comment on how kind and polite they are. I always know exactly where my eldest is because we trust him to tell us. He has no reason to lie as we would never automatically say no to him doing anything, we talk through it (aside perhaps from a drugs bender but thankfully that hasn’t come up).

You get what you expect. I expect that my children will tell the truth and they do. They have no reason to be dishonest as they know we are not going to overreact. In return we are always honest with them, even when it is difficult and easier not to be.

It’s quite sad and scary that so many people go through life believing that their own children will lie to them but random adults only speak the truth.

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ThorsLeftNut · 26/11/2021 11:18

I feel like even with your updates I need more information.
As other have said though, in this sort of situation I would assume a miscommunication or understanding and the truth is somewhere in the middle.

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Borderterrierpuppy · 26/11/2021 11:18

Depends on the child, my youngest has autism and will tell me absolutely verbatim what happened, my middle is quite the Walter Mitty if it suits his plans and my eldest can be somewhere between the two smile

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AllThingsServeTheBeam · 26/11/2021 11:19

@HarrietsChariot

I'd always side with the adult. Children lie and are fundamentally dishonest because they know there is no real sanction if they get found out. If the teacher lies, they could lose their job.

It's good practice to always believe the adult anyway, even if it turns out they are lying, because otherwise children will think they can get away with challenging adults.

I find myself disagreeing with absolutely everything you post on almost every thread I see you comment on. Jesus what a terrible view
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JohnStonesMissus · 26/11/2021 11:20

@HarrietsChariot

I'd always side with the adult. Children lie and are fundamentally dishonest because they know there is no real sanction if they get found out. If the teacher lies, they could lose their job.

It's good practice to always believe the adult anyway, even if it turns out they are lying, because otherwise children will think they can get away with challenging adults.

Are you for fucking real? Actually don't bother answering...
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ChloeCrocodile · 26/11/2021 11:20

I have no problem with being challenged as a teacher (I think all adults should face challenge by children tbh it’s a good thing)

Definitely this. By accepting appropriate challenge and correcting mistakes you show children than everyone gets things wrong sometimes and that's okay. That is good for their self esteem, and can be particularly reassuring for students who aspire to perfection.

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00100001 · 26/11/2021 11:23

[quote TarasCrazyTiara]@00100001

To be honest children do lie when in trouble for something they’ve done pretty often - despite everyone here acting like their little angel would never.[/quote]
Yes. Children lie at times. Or often don't recount the icidnet 100% accuratley.



However that doesn't mean "It's good practice to always believe the adult"


Anyone with any sense would say that it's good practice to get both sides of the story and give your child opportunities to be able disclose information in a trusted and safe environment...




How many children have been abused and raped because people "always believes the adult"





You might take that risk with your child, but there's no fucking way I would.

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Lavender24 · 26/11/2021 11:25

AllThingsServeTheBeam

I genuinely think she is on mumsnet just to troll.

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WhenISnappedAndFarted · 26/11/2021 11:32

@HarrietsChariot

I'd always side with the adult. Children lie and are fundamentally dishonest because they know there is no real sanction if they get found out. If the teacher lies, they could lose their job.

It's good practice to always believe the adult anyway, even if it turns out they are lying, because otherwise children will think they can get away with challenging adults.

Unfortunately for me the adults around me were like you, didn't believe me that I was being abused by my Grandfather. He's an adult, she's lying!!! Well as an adult now I can absolutely tell you that it did happen and I wasn't lying.

What a stupid opinion to have. Of course children lie but so do adults.
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budgiegirl · 26/11/2021 11:34

I don’t actually agree with the notion that kids lie. I think they are generally very truthful as they have no reason to lie. They may misinterpret things, in the same way as an adult, but they don’t lie

I agree that most children are generally truthful, but all children will lie at some point. Might be a white lie, might be a whopper. Might be important, might not. But all children will lie at times. There's been research done to demonstrate this, it's a perfectly normal thing for children to do, and is part of their development.

That doesn't mean that the OPs child has lied on this occasion, they may well be telling the truth, but it's naive to think that children don't ever lie.

I have genuinely never caught my eldest son in a lie, even when he was little (he's 20 now). But a few weeks ago we were chatting about this, and I told him I'd never caught him in a lie, but I assumed he had lied to me at some point - he laughed and said 'Of course I have'.
My younger two are a different matter - they used to tell whoppers! I guess my eldest was just better at it (although I still don't think he lied often)

I also think that most adults will lie at points in their life.

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CoastalWave · 26/11/2021 11:35

My child is being bullied by their teacher.

Despite her behaviour becoming increasingly concerning (and showing clear evidence of bullying) AND i've told the school, they've simply said it's HER who's the problem and not the teacher.

Fuming.

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Gonnagetgoing · 26/11/2021 11:37

It depends on the context and circumstances. In junior school I had an awful teacher for a year and though I’m sure she never accused me of anything or thought I was lying I wouldn’t have put it past her to do that, had she so wanted to do so.

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MargaretThursday · 26/11/2021 11:37

You get what you expect. I expect that my children will tell the truth and they do. They have no reason to be dishonest as they know we are not going to overreact. In return we are always honest with them, even when it is difficult and easier not to be.

Bless. My mum would have said the same. She has still no idea of some of the things I got up to. Grin The fact she thought I wouldn't lie made things so much easier.

It's often different perspective. My middle daughter greeted me at preschool with "Mrs C hit me and told me off". Totally true from her side:
Real side is she was running in the corridor when Mrs C was tidying up. She shouldn't have either been in the corridor or running if she was there. She ran into Mrs C who was round the corner. Mrs C stood up and said "Now, you know you shouldn't be here, go back to your room".
I know that from a very reliable parent witness who would 100% told me if it had been any difference.

My oldest, I was told by the deputy head that as far as he was concerned if she said something had happened, it had happened. He said she was the most reliable witness he'd come across at school, and there was at least one occasion that he believed her over the teacher to sort something out (she wasn't actually involved, but another child was).
However there were times when what she told me had happened at school wasn't correct, or was skewed from her side. Sometimes because she wasn't aware of the background, sometimes because she hadn't seen it all, sometimes because she, like everyone else has biases.

If she'd told me there wasn't a panda in the music room, and the teacher said that there was I would assume that she hadn't seen it, or wasn't important enough for her to remember.

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CoastalWave · 26/11/2021 11:38

I might add, the teacher has lied to me on 2 occasions.

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