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AIBU to think my DD is telling the truth, not the teacher?
277

BearBirdBaboon · 26/11/2021 09:56

If a child tells one version of events and an adult tells another version of events, I think people automatically think the child is lying. A situation like this has come up at my DD's school, during a private music lesson, so only my DD and the teacher were there, so only they know what went on (nothing bad).

My DD is rarely dishonest and there's no reason why she would lie, as it's not something she would have got into trouble for.

Anyway, I think now that people would think that my DD is not telling the truth and I don't think that's fair.

Are you more likely to believe a teacher's version of events or your own child's version of events?

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

Dtukvg · 26/11/2021 10:43

Don't be silly, of course there was a panda in the room.

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LittleGwyneth · 26/11/2021 10:45

I think there's often a third option where both parties genuinely believe that they're telling the truth and the reality is somewhere in the middle.

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BudgeSquare · 26/11/2021 10:46

I think you need to give a more useful and relevant example than the panda 🐼

It's very difficult to reply without understanding the situation.

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Nietzschethehiker · 26/11/2021 10:46

I think most rational people listen to both and make an informed decision. Where any form of abuse is concerned then the person disclosing should always be believed unless absolute categoric proof is given that it wasn't true (which is vanishingly rare).

However in more mundane situations it depends on the situation. My DS1 absolutely cannot lie. Even if his life depended on it. He is ASD and whilst not all have this trait he does. He does on occasion word things carefully. However it takes 3 seconds and an outright question to tell you the truth. So if he differs from an adult he is telling the truth from his perspective.

Ds2 much as I love him has a fast and loose relationship with the truth. Mainly because he spends a lot of time in DS2 world where he sees what he wants to see. I would be very stupid to believe everything automatically. Any statement of abuse However would instantly be believed and taken seriously.

I've worked in schools and social care a long time and people definitely lie. All the time. It's a silly halo effect bias that makes people think they are above reproach.

Teaching children not to challenge adults is a breathtakingly unintelligent response Borne out of massive self esteem issues and ignorance. Teaching them to challenge anyone appropriately is very different.

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LuaDipa · 26/11/2021 10:49

Why? are the perfect ??

Of course not, but what kind of message are you giving to your children if you don’t unconditionally believe the things they say and assume that a relative stranger would be telling the truth above them.

I don’t actually agree with the notion that kids lie. I think they are generally very truthful as they have no reason to lie. They may misinterpret things, in the same way as an adult, but they don’t lie.

I do have direct experience of a teacher lying. He was unaware that I had heard the entire exchange and he lied as he knew he had said something that he shouldn’t. In fairness though, I would have believed my dd either way. I’m not sure that the school would have though.

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AnkleDeep · 26/11/2021 10:52

I always asked, "If I spoke to Ms XXXXXX what would she say happened?"

That way the truth often emerged.

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OFAHmusical · 26/11/2021 10:52

As a music teacher, these situations do arise where the child insists they’re right but they aren’t.

Example:
Me: ‘Mia, you played that note a bit short. This how it sounded but it should be more like this’
plays phrase both ways, once with long note and once with short note
Mia: ‘That was how I played it’
But it wasn’t!

Happens ALL THE TIME.

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Quartz2208 · 26/11/2021 10:53

But as you yourself say it is a version of events - told from their perspective and from their truth. It is why witness statements can vary wildly but everyone is telling what they perceive to be the truth.

Without though knowing what it is it is difficult to say

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TarasCrazyTiara · 26/11/2021 10:53

Depends on what it is. If it’s something inappropriate I would take my child’s word until I found out more. If it’s something that they were in trouble for like picking on a kid or something they’d lie about I’d be more inclined to take the teachers word unless it was so serious as to be totally against character.

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TinyTear · 26/11/2021 10:54

One I would take with a pinch of salt and check all the versions and counter question

The other I would believe the child as she is autistic and doesn't lie - although i would still check as her interpretation of events can be different

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TarasCrazyTiara · 26/11/2021 10:55

@00100001

To be honest children do lie when in trouble for something they’ve done pretty often - despite everyone here acting like their little angel would never.

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hiredandsqueak · 26/11/2021 10:56

Dd had a TA who lied to another teacher to get dd into trouble. I complained to SENCo who said TA hadn't lied. I raised it with HT who said TA hadn't lied. I sent in proof in writing (because the silly mare was stupid enough to document in the homeschool book proof that she'd lied) and it was taken really seriously. TA removed from support team and I got apologies from SENCo and HT and a lovely email from teacher concerned reassuring me that dd had no need to worry about anything and she would spend a few minutes at start of lesson reassuring her. I would always believe my child tbh.

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Itsalmostanaccessory · 26/11/2021 10:56

@HarrietsChariot

I'd always side with the adult. Children lie and are fundamentally dishonest because they know there is no real sanction if they get found out. If the teacher lies, they could lose their job.

It's good practice to always believe the adult anyway, even if it turns out they are lying, because otherwise children will think they can get away with challenging adults.

I've read some batshit stuff on mumsnet but this might top it all.
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Grayskelly · 26/11/2021 10:56

It could have been a metaphorical panda.
I used to call my friends ex a panda.
Like a panda he eats roots and leaves. Or eats, roots and leaves.
Either way he was a deadshit waste of space, but unlikely to be in your DDs school music room.

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Almostmenopausal · 26/11/2021 10:58

@LuaDipa

I would always believe my children.

You might come across a few issues if you stick to that way of thinking.....🤔
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Almostmenopausal · 26/11/2021 10:59

@HarrietsChariot

I'd always side with the adult. Children lie and are fundamentally dishonest because they know there is no real sanction if they get found out. If the teacher lies, they could lose their job.

It's good practice to always believe the adult anyway, even if it turns out they are lying, because otherwise children will think they can get away with challenging adults.

So (GOD FORBID) one of your children were abused/injured by a Teacher/adult, you're saying you wouldn't believe them if they told you and the Teacher/adult denied it?
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LittleDandelionClock · 26/11/2021 10:59

@BearBirdBaboon

The situation was very black and white. A bit like my DD saying there wasn't a panda in the room, but the teacher saying that there was a panda in the room! Perhaps my DD just didn't see the panda? Something like that...

@Grayskelly

I'd be very suspicious of anyone claiming there was a panda in the music room. I'd defn believe your DD in this instance.

Grin

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Yourheartwillleadyouhome · 26/11/2021 11:00

It's not a black and white panda situation though is it?

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Almostmenopausal · 26/11/2021 11:01

@Essexmum321

I had this with a private music teacher who lied, what he didn’t realise is that I was actually there at the time.

Ooooh please elaborate! I'm intrigued
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ChudraWouldaShouldya · 26/11/2021 11:02

@HarrietsChariot

I'd always side with the adult. Children lie and are fundamentally dishonest because they know there is no real sanction if they get found out. If the teacher lies, they could lose their job.

It's good practice to always believe the adult anyway, even if it turns out they are lying, because otherwise children will think they can get away with challenging adults.

Jesus Christ!!

1889 called and they want their opinion back!!

Why shouldn’t children (respectfully) be allowed to challenge adults if they believe something isn’t right?

Do you think children should be seen and not heard too 🤷🏼‍♀️
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MrsMo21 · 26/11/2021 11:03

Yeah I followed until the Panda example and now I’m completely baffled.

Children do lie - I’m a teacher and I’ve had some really bonkers lie said about things that happened in class/between children which aren’t the case. Parents tend to always believe their children, which in certain cases is fine but can be really difficult when their child has lied and the parents don’t believe they have. However, I’m the adult (and usually more logical/level headed than child and parent) so don’t take the outrage too seriously, I’m a Mum and I know that as a parent you do what you think is best. It is as it is.

However, if what your DD is saying is not outrageous and seems plausible then it may well be. Especially as it’s just a 1-1 scenario with no witnesses. What I would say is that if you bought it up with the teacher - what would you like to achieve by pointing out said lie? Do you have plans to remove your child from being taught by this person? Do you want your DD to be shown how to challenge authority? Whatever your plan is, have a good think about the learning point for your DD and set a good example.

I have no problem with being challenged as a teacher (I think all adults should face challenge by children tbh it’s a good thing) but I do cringe when a parent is ranting and raving in front of their child as it doesn’t teach that child how to be calm, logical and articulate in voicing their opinion.

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ArnoldBee · 26/11/2021 11:04

Neither of them could be lying.

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grapewine · 26/11/2021 11:04

@QualityChecked

Chikdren need to expect to be heard, but to say I know my children, they never lie, I'd always believe them is just as ridiculous as saying you should always believe the adult.

Yes. It depends.
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BearBirdBaboon · 26/11/2021 11:04

@Yourheartwillleadyouhome
🤣

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bumbleymummy · 26/11/2021 11:07

If you know your daughter and it’s unlikely she would lie about the events then I would be more likely to believe her.

We had a bad experience with a music teacher. I sat in on a zoom call once (offscreen) and heard how she spoke to my child and called her out on it. She was very embarrassed. We didn’t stay with her for long after that. The trust was gone.

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