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AIBU to think my DD is telling the truth, not the teacher?
277

BearBirdBaboon · 26/11/2021 09:56

If a child tells one version of events and an adult tells another version of events, I think people automatically think the child is lying. A situation like this has come up at my DD's school, during a private music lesson, so only my DD and the teacher were there, so only they know what went on (nothing bad).

My DD is rarely dishonest and there's no reason why she would lie, as it's not something she would have got into trouble for.

Anyway, I think now that people would think that my DD is not telling the truth and I don't think that's fair.

Are you more likely to believe a teacher's version of events or your own child's version of events?

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

HardbackWriter · 26/11/2021 12:43

[quote BearBirdBaboon]@LettertoHermoine
I think the teacher disagrees my DD's version of events because if she agreed with it, it would show that she wasn't a very good teacher, which she would want to avoid.[/quote]
In that case surely it is a bit of a big deal? And in that case I'd be inclined to believe the child as the adult has a clear motivation to lie.

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LettertoHermoine · 26/11/2021 12:43

[quote BearBirdBaboon]@LettertoHermoine
I think the teacher disagrees my DD's version of events because if she agreed with it, it would show that she wasn't a very good teacher, which she would want to avoid.[/quote]
Ahhh I see.

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HardbackWriter · 26/11/2021 12:44

They will lie to get out of trouble, to save face, to get people to feel sorry for them, to get people to like them but they’re not like adults they won’t lie for the sake of lying.

I think they're the reasons adults lie too. I've only ever known one adult who lied for no reason/for the sake of lying, and they were very mentally unwell. I think nearly all lies serve a purpose.

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Drumshambo · 26/11/2021 12:52

Children lie all the time! It's their default position to get out of trouble. People who say they would believe children over adults all the time are deluded!

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Quartz2208 · 26/11/2021 12:57

I kind of agree that it is a default position to get out of trouble or to avoid harm but actually do we grow out of it - I dont think so I think the need for self preservation exists well beyond childhood and into adulthood. We dont wake up one day and say we will never lie again. Adults lie a lot either directly or by omission

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WonderfulYou · 26/11/2021 13:00

It depends on the situation.

Has the child made an accusation? If so the child is believed above the teacher until the truth has been found out.

If it’s not an accusation then it’s usually a case of a misunderstanding.
9/10 the child has more/less to gain from lying so they’re less likely to be believed but if it was something that the child had no gain from but then teacher does then it would be more believable.

The panda in the room example has no gain for either of them so if there’s no gain for either then I’d just forget it.
If you think it warrants a complaint then definitely do so.

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WonderfulYou · 26/11/2021 13:01

I think you need to be a bit more specific with the details without outing yourself.

Your vague description is pointing towards your DD being the liar/misinterpreted something.

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Drumshambo · 26/11/2021 13:03

@WonderfulYou

I think you need to be a bit more specific with the details without outing yourself.

Your vague description is pointing towards your DD being the liar/misinterpreted something.

This absolutely!
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LizzieSiddal · 26/11/2021 13:06

How old is DD? If she’s very young she may have misunderstood something complex?

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Yourheartwillleadyouhome · 26/11/2021 13:09

I wonder if this is a music exam situation where the child said "Mrs X never told me how to do the aural tests/sight reading/scales" after they got a disappointing result.

I often ask kids "Have we tried this before?" when we practice, for example, sight singing and they VERY often say no even when my records and their notebooks show that we have been working on this for weeks.

I think they just forget, that's why we go over and over what to expect in the exam.

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RedRobin100 · 26/11/2021 13:13

@HarrietsChariot Christ alive - glad I'm not your child..

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DeepaBeesKit · 26/11/2021 13:13

I don't always believe my child, but I have caught the teachers out fibbing a few times, about things my reception child thinks nothing of so wouldnt lie about.

So for example, the teacher said she personally had heard my child read every single week. My child is very chatty about school and I know that a) he doesnt get heard read every week and b) it's usually with the (excellent) TA when he does.

I am not fussed about this, so I never know why they bother lying about it, it makes me wonder why they feel they have to hide these details though.

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ElephantOfRisk · 26/11/2021 13:16

It would depend on the teacher and the situation/child. Most teachers, just like most people, are generally truthful and trustworthy. Children come to know about absolute truths and lies at various stages of development.

When my dc were in school, there would be teachers that I would expect to be telling the truth and others that I think were a bit less than honest. For example my DC told me that the teacher told him that his birthday wasn't in the summer holidays so shouldn't go and collect a birthday pencil from the headmistress. But she was wrong and he was upset and she told him not to lie to get a pencil. It's a tiny thing but i would never trust that teacher. others I would understand making a mistake as I'm sure they would actually check rather than leave a child cry for the sake of a bloody pencil.

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Gosports · 26/11/2021 13:16

I also had a situation in a music lesson where a child swore blind I had said something the week before (nothing important, completely innocuous) and I definitely hadn’t - I couldn’t possibly have said what she was claiming. She wouldn’t have it though! She’d either misremembered or misunderstood, but either way, she wasn’t right.

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DeepaBeesKit · 26/11/2021 13:16

Children lie all the time! It's their default position to get out of trouble. People who say they would believe children over adults all the time are deluded!

Adults lie all the time too, for lots of reasons. I find in many situations you can tell who is lying because you can see who has the incentive to lie.

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Sherrystrull · 26/11/2021 13:20

@DeepaBeesKit

I don't always believe my child, but I have caught the teachers out fibbing a few times, about things my reception child thinks nothing of so wouldnt lie about.

So for example, the teacher said she personally had heard my child read every single week. My child is very chatty about school and I know that a) he doesnt get heard read every week and b) it's usually with the (excellent) TA when he does.

I am not fussed about this, so I never know why they bother lying about it, it makes me wonder why they feel they have to hide these details though.

I hear the children in my class read every week. It's not always their reading book but they read in Phonics lessons, in English lessons and at other points during the day. This is what I would mean when I say I hear every child read every week.
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AnFiadhRua · 26/11/2021 13:25

I disagree that it's fundamental to children to lie! In fact a 10 year old boy isn't thinking about his image in the workplace, ykwim?

I have on occasion been in op's shoes, and 100% believed my son over the adults' version which is only what other squeakier cleaner children with more control over their image had told the teachers..

My son just says ''yes I ate your yoghurt, it was there''. Or yeh, I spent all Granddad's emergency money on marshmallows, I've no emergency money in my pencil case now. But I do have a big bag of marshmallows'' ''I broke your orla kiely mug''

He's not easy! He's not text book, He's hard work and he's not perfect but if there's one thing he's not it's a liar.

So when the teachers told me he had attacked students for ''no reason'' I knew there was more to it. He was sobbing at the injustice and it took weeks to get the truth out of him. That a little gang had circled him, mocking him, intimidating him. I asked the principal could he guarantee he'd have handled his colleagues circling him and mocking him and intimidating him with perfect grace??

My son's teacher were mostly very very good with him but even so, there were occasions where they just got it WRONG

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5128gap · 26/11/2021 13:45

Depends on which version was the most credible. There is no one who never ever lies, child or adult, so it would be naive to take a stance on who is most likely to be telling the truth without more information. What did either have to gain (or not lose) by lying? As for whether children are less likely to be believed, ime, parents are highly likely to believe their children, as most like to think they know their child's thoughts. Other people possibly veer towards believing the adult particular if its a trusted adult with no form for lying.

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Iputthetrampintrampoline · 26/11/2021 13:50

I know my child and I would first do nothing except listen, I know what mine would say what language she would use etc, I would look at actions and personal gain if it was accusatory etc weigh it up and then act, I would not jump either way too fast.

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thirdfiddle · 26/11/2021 13:53

We did have a situation of a music teacher lying. The first few times I put it down to her misunderstanding child or vice versa. When she did it to me and child's other instrument teacher too I gradually twigged that no, she was just out and out lying, because she wasn't able to admit to a mistake.

Stupid really, they were small mistakes and wouldn't have mattered at all, just "oops well spotted, you're quite right" sort of thing. Wouldn't have thought any worse of her for slipping up, but lying yes.

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rampitup · 26/11/2021 14:01

How close is the panda analogy? Was there something that the teacher said was there/happened which your daughter didn't notice? Or was it the other way round e.g. daughter saw teacher swig from a gin bottle but teacher denies existence of gin bottle?

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ditalini · 26/11/2021 14:09

My cousin sounds like LuaDipa's kids.

She was a lovely child, a polite and easy going teen, and is a fantastic adult.

She had and has an amazingly close relationship with her mother. My aunt could always believe her because she was always truthful. Congenitally incapable of telling a lie.

Except she lied to my aunt all the bloody time! Some absolute whoppers for all the usual reasons. I know - I was there! No big deal.

Because she's a human being not an automaton.

But anyway, if there's no reason for the lie, if neither party has anything to gain/lose then generally it's a misunderstanding somwhere along the line.

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OFAHmusical · 26/11/2021 14:15

How funny that people think children have nothing to gain from lying! The children I teach lie all the time. ‘My baby cousin took it out of my bag’ is a particular favourite when they’ve forgotten something. I hear that one pretty much once a week.

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WeatherwaxOn · 26/11/2021 14:16

I remember wetting myself at school. It was over 40 years ago. I was coming down with something viral, it was that end of the day, and we had to stand and listen to a short lecture about something from the teacher at the end of the day. I was desperate for the toilet and just couldn't hold it in. It was a very small amount that escaped.
I was 8, and embarrassed. I didn't tell anyone.
The school called my mother in, and me, to stand in the classroom and have a discussion about it.
I insisted that I hadn't wet myself, but that the "water" was from the radiator.(conveniently close)
I never admitted it. I was mortified and the shame of being called in with a parent whilst they talked about me was terrible.

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supremelybaffled · 26/11/2021 14:29

It would depend on a variety of circumstances including the age of the child, what the issue is, whether the child can sometimes misunderstand things or get the wrong end of the stick, whether the child has been known to have lied to avoid a telling-off in the past, whether the teacher might have reason to lie about something, you name it. Impossible to call otherwise.

On the whole, if it was my dc I'd have believed them.

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