To not understand this trend for having to have an “exclusivity talk” when dating someone?

[HeartsAndClubs]

I was always under the impression that when you started seeing someone you were seeing each other and that was that.

But more recently there seems to be an understanding that unless you’ve actually agreed to be exclusive, it’s pretty much open season and either one of you can continue to date whoever you want however you want.

How have we got to this point?

Why is it seemingly so difficult for people to date one person at a time? And how is it that people should seemingly be happy to be cut loose at any time in order for the other to be “exclusive” with someone else?

@a8mint

Do you not find it depressing that your daughters are waiting around for the 'very best men' to pick them based on how virginal they are?

@A8mint

I have 3 dc in their 20s and this certainly is not the norm in the circles they move in. In fact people (especially girls) who do this are viewed very negatively. As you get older and thoughts turn to settling down,the best men really do not want a woman who has shagged half the town.

This! This is what's wrong with this thread and attitudes towards women. Why can't women sleep with who they want? If single and dating

It all comes out what people really think of women

How many penises do the Best Men in Town think is an acceptable number for a woman to have had inside her in order to qualify her as settling down material.

@Snoozer11

It's not a conversation about "being exclusive".

It's talking about where you both are in terms of each other. If you've been on a few dates and been sleeping together, you discuss "what you are" and whether you're in a relationship or just having fun.

This.

Someone I know had that conversation back in the 1990s. She met the bloke by accident out and about. (I think she met him in the street near a club.) They then ended up dating and on the third date they had this talk. They ended up getting married.

I also know other people who had similar conversations meeting partners outside their social circle.

If you meet someone outside your social circles, regardless of how you meet them, you need to have a conversation with them about intentions.

Do you not find it depressing that your daughters are waiting around for the 'very best men' to pick them based on how virginal they are?
They are not all daughters some are sons, they, and most of their friends are not 'waiting around', but they have bfs and gfs not shagging multiple strangers.
Having said that dd2s bf had never been in a steady relationship before her, just casual sex. One of her female friends Tinder dates several guys a week and is judged by others in their circke. She wants a serious bf now but doesn't know how! Predominantly though all my dc and their friends follow the classic model of asking people out and being in exclusive relationships. One worked pt in a hotel where the culture wasvery different. I fhink it depends on the circles you move in.
I agree that it is unfair tgat fhe best men dont want to marry a woman whi has had loads of casual partners , but the reverse isn't true. But there it is.

@Classica

How many penises do the Best Men in Town think is an acceptable number for a woman to have had inside her in order to qualify her as settling down material.

oh yes. Best to ask the men so women can behave correctly

In twenty years of all manner of relationships, I've never once had an exclusivity conversation. If he's seeing someone else, he's a two timer.

@A8mint

Do you not find it depressing that your daughters are waiting around for the 'very best men' to pick them based on how virginal they are? They are not all daughters some are sons, they, and most of their friends are not 'waiting around', but they have bfs and gfs not shagging multiple strangers. Having said that dd2s bf had never been in a steady relationship before her, just casual sex. One of her female friends Tinder dates several guys a week and is judged by others in their circke. She wants a serious bf now but doesn't know how! Predominantly though all my dc and their friends follow the classic model of asking people out and being in exclusive relationships. One worked pt in a hotel where the culture wasvery different. I fhink it depends on the circles you move in. I agree that it is unfair tgat fhe best men dont want to marry a woman whi has had loads of casual partners , but the reverse isn't true. But there it is.

There it is? There it is? Is that your reaction to all the crap you are believing and writing about women?

I guess it cones down to biology, a man coukd technically father tens of thousands in a lifetime, so there's no downside to him shagging far and wide. A woman on the other hand can only produce a relatively few offspring so would have to select fathers with the best genes. So although we are no longer living in a primitive society, there is still the instinctive presumption that women should be choosy. I guess it indicates low srandards and a lack of self respect when they set tge bar so low

I guess it indicates low srandards and a lack of self respect when they set tge bar so low

your misogyny shows a lack of self-respect. why do you dislike women so much?

How is it setting the bar low to see if the sex is good before you commit?

I'm glad you've posted this OP. My last partner, unbeknown to me, was online dating before we met and didn't take our relationship at all seriously at first. Again, I was unaware of this and was under the impression we were exclusive as he didn't tell me otherwise and seemed as happy and content as I was. A year into our relationship he said the first few weeks we were dating 'didn't count' and that he thought our anniversary should start a few weeks after our first date. That told me all I needed to know really. I found out later that he'd been out with lots of women previous to me and during whereas I've never tried online dating and had no idea of all these rules that come with it as I haven't had many partners and those I have been out with I've met in the traditional way - work, through friends etc. I've been single for a few years now but will definitely be more aware of online dating and exclusivity going forwards.

To answer your question though, a first date that ends up becoming a second date and so onwards is all exclusive to me. I'm still pretty old fashioned in that sense.

@Classica

I guess it indicates low srandards and a lack of self respect when they set tge bar so low

your misogyny shows a lack of self-respect. why do you dislike women so much?

I don't. I think its unfair there are double standards. Ive said that.

@Livelifeinthebuslane

I was a bit bemused by the teens stages of dating, they had "talking" and "on it" before being properly in a relationship.

We used to get off with someone at a party and that was that (or not). No interview and probation period.

This!

I haven't been on a date for 25+ years and my own personal view would be that if I was having a physical relationship with someone then I wouldn't be seeing other people BUT even 25 years ago it made sense to know pretty quickly you're on the same page

This thread is just getting worse

I have been with dh for 20 years so no real knowledge of what dating is like these days but it all sounds a bit, I'm not sure of the right word. Like people have 4 dates a week with different people, it sounds like your life revolves around finding someone? I suppose as I have never done online dating I don't really know how it works.

I was happily single but if I met someone I had a spark with we would go out for drinks or whatever, which is very different I suppose to meeting up with people you have never clapped eyes on. I wouldn't meet one person a week that I felt I had a spark with and was attracted to never mind 4 so 4 dates with 4 different people would never happen. I suppose things were more 'organic' and relaxed.

I suppose because in the past you only went out with people whi you met at college, work through mutual friends and knew more about them. With OLD you have none of that. Still it all seems a bit grim

YANBU OP. I hate this. We are selling ourselves short these days.

I want a man to be really interested in me, not be a 'candidate' in a pool of many. It's massively off-putting. I'm so glad I don't have to go on dates these days - and if I did, I would make sure I picked someone terribly old fashioned so that I didn't have to put up with all this cr**p

I want a man to be really interested in me, not be a 'candidate' in a pool of many. It's massively off-putting. I'm so glad I don't have to go on dates these days - and if I did, I would make sure I picked someone terribly old fashioned so that I didn't have to put up with all this crp

Who knew having a simple conversation on expectations and wanting to be sure you and the person you’re interested in are on the same page was crap. Two sensible adults communicating their wants is not an ordeal.

I suppose because in the past you only went out with people whi you met at college, work through mutual friends and knew more about them.

I went to a uni in a city but it was small specialised one so often we went to house parties where many of the guests were from different universities near the campus before OLD took off (it was considered embarrassing when I was in uni to be doing OLD) so many of the people were likely a friend of a friend of a friend or students that heard that there classmate or classmate’s friend was having a party and stopped by. My friends and I would stop by 2-4 parties in one night. It was mainly about socialising and if someone caught their eye and they hit it off with them, they would either join the group, said person would meet up with us later, or they let us know they weren’t coming. There was no pressure or people looking for relationships, it was mainly about having fun and chatting with people, not much different than going to a pub and chatting with others who weren’t a part of your circle. Saying that, most of us didn’t assume friend slept with the person nor felt it was our business to ask. If we saw, the person a second time, we just thought they were getting to know each other, until told otherwise and then ask questions.

Nothing wrong with wanting a more traditional approach but making out as if getting to know and being interested in more than one person is grim is ridiculous as well as the assumption that sex is involved when doing so.

Online Dating is a numbers game. Sometimes that means having 3 dates in one week with different men. So date 1 goes OK but you don't want to cancel the others until you've seen how he acts after the date, if he actually goes on the second date etc.

Being exclusively in a relationship with a guy you've met one is craziness

It's weird to me that some people have such a visceral reaction to the idea of having a conversation about a dating situation.

'I'm glad I'm not dating if it means being upfront about my wants and expectations. How awful!'.

So many of the relationship problems you see on MN are down to a lack of honest communication. People too shy to talk to their own spouse about their lack of satisfaction in their sex life, for example.

Why date one at a time when you can save time dating multiple people to see who you're more interested/attracted too? And when I say dating I don't mean sleeping with

But what's the rush though?

If I’m online dating (when I was) I saw multiple people to weed out the ones I wasn’t suited to quickly. Or they weren’t suited to me.

I also don’t promise exclusivity and I make a point of saying I am not exclusive until we’ve had the talk.

Can’t date right now but when I did that’s what I said. I don’t expect or give exclusivity off the bat