Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Help with text to end things with a nice guy - but drama last night

112 replies

Ohnowhy2 · 25/11/2021 11:19

Help me write a thoughtful but end things text with a guy I have had 4 dates with.

Had 4 dates with a really kind and thoughtful guy. Last night was the 4th date - but ended with a trip to A&E and me consoling him and his ex.

He came round for take away and it was lovely until he got a call from his alcoholic ex saying his daughter was saying she was going to harm herself so they were going to A&E.

He started to panic and couldn’t get hold of his daughter. He ex kept phoning saying she has dragged his kid in a taxi to A&E. he was getting visibly more upset. So, being nice person I am he drive him to A&e to meet his daughter. He had a drink, taxis were taking ages and I was sober.

I ended up sitting outside A&E consoling him and then his very drunk ex. His drunk ex went through stages of being abusive to me and then apologising saying I would make a better mum - wtf as not even thought of meeting his kid.

I eventually managed to leave. But kept getting calls from him for support. I did say at 1am I need to sleep as work tomorrow.

Now he has texted to say he didn’t tell me about his family issues as we were getting ti know each other but this is not an isolated incident.

So I now want to end things as I feel I can’t or want support him fully as it’s only been 4 dates and we are still in the getting to know you stage. Too much drama.

I know it’s not his fault, but I really don’t want to start a relationship with someone with this much drama. He has already called me to talk about the situation and in my opinion leaning heavily on me (4th date girl so a stranger) for support. I can see this getting worse.

How can a put this politely in a text. I feel cruel as he is having a hard time. But in the same respect, drama at the start will only get worse.

OP posts:
Cocolapew · 25/11/2021 11:21

"I don't think this is going to be work, take care"
Then block.

JuneOsborne · 25/11/2021 11:21

Hi Kevin. Hope your daughter is doing better today. Just wanted to be upfront with you. I've enjoyed our dates but don't want to take things any further. It was lovely meeting you, wish you all the best.

Cocolapew · 25/11/2021 11:22

Going to work not be Hmm

DietCokeChipsAndMayo · 25/11/2021 11:22

‘Hi I’m sorry to hear about your difficult situation atm, unfortunately it’s all a little bit too much for me at this stage so I wouldn’t be interested in continuing on with any relationship, I wish you all the best’

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 25/11/2021 11:23

I don't think you need to be very specific as your only 4 dates in. Just say it isn't working for you. Your not cruel you are kind - it was kind of you to drive him to A and E. If he'd been drinking, how was he going to get home from your house?

FinallyFluid · 25/11/2021 11:23

I didn't do a drama GCSE at school and I don't as a grown up.

I am sure you understand, and then block him.

This isn't going to go away.

PooWillyNameChange · 25/11/2021 11:23

I’m not sure how to put it but I think you’re being incredibly sensible. It’s not your mess and you’d be setting yourself up for a lot of drama and issues. Once his daughter is older hopefully he can extricate himself from the ex but it really isn’t your problem. You’re not cruel at all.

YellowandGreenToBeSeen · 25/11/2021 11:23

‘It’s been nice meeting you but I feel our circumstances are so different, we’re not compatible and I don’t want to pursue our friendship / relationship (whichever more applicable) any further. I wish you all the best for the future’.

RattiesAndPiggies · 25/11/2021 11:24

I’d just say you’re a bit overwhelmed and you don’t want to see him again. But wish his daughter well

Clymene · 25/11/2021 11:25

Any of those will do but make sure you block him.

TheReluctantPhoenix · 25/11/2021 11:30

Some of these replies are so mean!

I think you are right to end it, but do it nicely:

‘I have really enjoyed getting to know you and you seem like a lovely guy. However, last night was too intense, given that we are only getting to know one another so, I am sorry but I don’t want to carry on seeing you. I wish you and your family all the best for the future’

Let him reply and be prepared to talk it through (a bit). If he then persists, block him.

Clymene · 25/11/2021 11:34

@TheReluctantPhoenix

Some of these replies are so mean!

I think you are right to end it, but do it nicely:

‘I have really enjoyed getting to know you and you seem like a lovely guy. However, last night was too intense, given that we are only getting to know one another so, I am sorry but I don’t want to carry on seeing you. I wish you and your family all the best for the future’

Let him reply and be prepared to talk it through (a bit). If he then persists, block him.

She owes him nothing. He is a virtual stranger who he's leaning on her for support. He has no boundaries and he isn't her problem.
MrsWhites · 25/11/2021 11:36

I also think it’s really sensible to take yourself away from the drama and the kindest thing all round before he develops stronger feelings.

I would say something like:

‘I hope all is well with your daughter this morning. Just wanted to be really honest with you, I find your current circumstances really quite overwhelming and too much for me to feel comfortable being involved with. I hope you understand and I wish you all well. Take care’

Catflapkitkat · 25/11/2021 11:36

Hope your and you daughter are okay. I have enjoyed our 4 dates and I understand why you didn't disclose your family issues, but after last night, I don't feel I am able continue. I am looking for something more light hearted and spontaneous. I do wish you and your family well. Take care

Ohnowhy2 · 25/11/2021 11:41

Thanks all. What about this?

I want to be honest. It’s been nice meeting you and enjoyed our dates. I am sorry about your difficult situation but i don’t think under the circumstances we should take it further.

Hope your daughter gets the help she need. Take care

OP posts:
shouldistop · 25/11/2021 11:42

Hi ..... I hope you and your daughter are ok today. I won't be continuing to date you, I'm sure you understand that it's a bit too much drama only 4 dates in and it's not what I'm looking for at all. I wish you well in the future.

Then block him as he will pester you

Ohnowhy2 · 25/11/2021 11:44

Also to add. My last ex had a similar situation but without an alcoholic ex. She was actually supportive. It was tough for us and an established relationship so did offer support. It was hard.

But this happened after my ex and I had established a solid relationship so expected. But I can’t do it again, especially this early in. We broke up over other reasons.

OP posts:
Notbornwithit · 25/11/2021 11:47

When he next asks you out you reply ‘I’m no longer available for dates’ or ‘sorry I don’t feel a spark’ then block. I always kept it short and business like

Shedmistress · 25/11/2021 11:50

'Too much too soon mate. Good luck with everything'

Then block.

Skeumorph · 25/11/2021 11:51

'Hi. I hope you and (daughter) are ok this morning. I am sorry but I don't want to take this relationship any further. It's clear that (daughter) needs your focus to be on her for the moment and it's probably not the best time to be putting energy into a new relationship when you have so much going on. Secondly, I would feel unfair starting a relationship with you when it's clear that you are looking for a far closer and more involved and supportive link than I would want right now. I wish you all the best'

SnugKnights · 25/11/2021 11:52

@Ohnowhy2

Thanks all. What about this?

I want to be honest. It’s been nice meeting you and enjoyed our dates. I am sorry about your difficult situation but i don’t think under the circumstances we should take it further.

Hope your daughter gets the help she need. Take care

I think that’s fine OP. It’s kind but gets the point across without claiming you don’t want to carry on for other reasons.
JuneOsborne · 25/11/2021 11:52

'Don't think we should take it any further' isn't definite enough for me.

I'd replace with

I don't want to take things any further.

ThePlantsitter · 25/11/2021 11:53

You're absolutely right not to want to get caught up in this. The guy needs to focus on his daughter now anyway. I don't see how any relationship started at a point like this could be anything other than based on what dynamics are set up now - i.e. you in the supporter role so you are 100% right and justified in not wanting to take it further (in case you needed any more confirmation).

Clymene · 25/11/2021 11:55

@Ohnowhy2

Thanks all. What about this?

I want to be honest. It’s been nice meeting you and enjoyed our dates. I am sorry about your difficult situation but i don’t think under the circumstances we should take it further.

Hope your daughter gets the help she need. Take care

Perfect
StillPerplexed · 25/11/2021 11:56

@Ohnowhy2

Thanks all. What about this?

I want to be honest. It’s been nice meeting you and enjoyed our dates. I am sorry about your difficult situation but i don’t think under the circumstances we should take it further.

Hope your daughter gets the help she need. Take care

This message works fine.

(Also, unlike some posters here I don't see why they advocate blocking someone when there hadn't been animosity. If he doesn't get the message and persists in late calls, that's another thing.)