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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Help with text to end things with a nice guy - but drama last night

112 replies

Ohnowhy2 · 25/11/2021 11:19

Help me write a thoughtful but end things text with a guy I have had 4 dates with.

Had 4 dates with a really kind and thoughtful guy. Last night was the 4th date - but ended with a trip to A&E and me consoling him and his ex.

He came round for take away and it was lovely until he got a call from his alcoholic ex saying his daughter was saying she was going to harm herself so they were going to A&E.

He started to panic and couldn’t get hold of his daughter. He ex kept phoning saying she has dragged his kid in a taxi to A&E. he was getting visibly more upset. So, being nice person I am he drive him to A&e to meet his daughter. He had a drink, taxis were taking ages and I was sober.

I ended up sitting outside A&E consoling him and then his very drunk ex. His drunk ex went through stages of being abusive to me and then apologising saying I would make a better mum - wtf as not even thought of meeting his kid.

I eventually managed to leave. But kept getting calls from him for support. I did say at 1am I need to sleep as work tomorrow.

Now he has texted to say he didn’t tell me about his family issues as we were getting ti know each other but this is not an isolated incident.

So I now want to end things as I feel I can’t or want support him fully as it’s only been 4 dates and we are still in the getting to know you stage. Too much drama.

I know it’s not his fault, but I really don’t want to start a relationship with someone with this much drama. He has already called me to talk about the situation and in my opinion leaning heavily on me (4th date girl so a stranger) for support. I can see this getting worse.

How can a put this politely in a text. I feel cruel as he is having a hard time. But in the same respect, drama at the start will only get worse.

OP posts:
shouldistop · 25/11/2021 11:58

@StillPerplexed it was this that made me suggest blocking him. It shows a complete lack of boundaries.

But kept getting calls from him for support. I did say at 1am I need to sleep as work tomorrow

LockerShop · 25/11/2021 11:58

Hi XY I hope you and XX are feeling better today. I’ve decided that I don’t want to continue our dates but wish you well in the future.

Then block.
Never complain, never explain. He might be lovely but it’s too messy and he’ll try to drag you in.

HeadLikeAFuckinOrange · 25/11/2021 12:03

"hi John, hope your Daughter is doing better today. It's been lovely to meet you, but going forward I feel our lives are in such different places that it's not going to work. I hope everything works out well, and wish you the best"

Then block across all devices, because you sound really thoughtful and considerate, and you'd soon become his surrogate therapist and built-in maternal support system - even if he managed to convince you to stay in touch "just as friends".

Why is he even trying to date when his immediate family is in chaos and clearly needs more support from him in the first place?

StillPerplexed · 25/11/2021 12:04

@shouldistop yeah, re-reading, I can see if it's already a pattern of ignoring boundaries being set then blocking makes more sense.

(Maybe it's just me, but I'd hate to bump into someone in the street that I'd blocked; I've always maintained good terms with exes. But I understand experiences differ!)

Ohnowhy2 · 25/11/2021 12:07

Thanks. Sent the message. I would of waited a few days as he said no sleep etc. we had a date planned tomorrow at a fancy restaurant and needed to end it now. He was a bit intense and I figured out now he wanted a support network

It’s sat on one tick, so not received it. But I don’t look like I am blocked. Said they were seeing mental health team today, so phone maybe off.

Ahh. Waiting on reply. Hope he is nice

OP posts:
dontgobaconmyheart · 25/11/2021 12:08

I don't see it as a big deal OP, you don't need to feel guilty or justify it, ever, you're not responsible for his feelings and not any more so because he seems nice (you really barely know him). I think driving him to a&e was basic decency but you should (and could) have simply dropped him off and left him to deal with what is ultimately
his private family issue, or left at any time saying the same. There is a difference between being a 'good person' and being a people pleaser or a doormat. You don't need to worry about softening the blow for a grown man who's both been dishonest, and is now trying to wedge you in his life as a shoulder to cry on because he's sensed it will work.

Just do something like 'Hi, I hope all's well after last night and (daughter) is receiving the help she needs. From a dating perspective this isn't working for me, but I wish your family all the best' - then block if he texts other than to say 'I understand, take care'. Do not entangle yourself further because you feel sorry for him or because there is validation somewhere in being needed.

This is why we date, to get to know people (and spot red flags). You've found some big ones. He isn't likely to be who you imagine he is (who he has curated himself to be to curry favour). Don't over invest in other people's drama, the situation is not normal and you can do miles better, as can we all.

theDudesmummy · 25/11/2021 12:16

I don't think you need to give much reason or explanation. He will know why you don't want to continue, you don't have to explain. Just "it was nice dating, but I won't be continuing the relationship, I wish you all the best" would do.

Ohnowhy2 · 25/11/2021 12:16

@dontgobaconmyheart I stayed for a bit as he asked. I am not a door mat but did it out of decency. Left as quick as I could.

I don’t think he was dishonest, told me about his ex being an alcoholic. Just didn’t share bad bits after 4 dates. I found out about the drama and extracting myself. Just trying to do it in a sensitive way.

OP posts:
Ohnowhy2 · 25/11/2021 12:17

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe he was either going to stay or get a taxi home depending on how the night progressed. No expectations just a relaxed night - that ended in drama

OP posts:
tallduckandhandsome · 25/11/2021 12:19

So glad you texted, OP!

TooBigForMyBoots · 25/11/2021 12:19

@Ohnowhy2

Thanks all. What about this?

I want to be honest. It’s been nice meeting you and enjoyed our dates. I am sorry about your difficult situation but i don’t think under the circumstances we should take it further.

Hope your daughter gets the help she need. Take care

Sounds perfect @Ohnowhy2.
Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 25/11/2021 12:21

You can't go wrong with I language - I feel, I need, I notice. So something like -

Hi (name) - I hope so and so is feeling better. I am sorry this is happening in your life and can see how much pain and anguish it is causing you. I am finding this quite difficult to deal with for various reasons and feel that continuing to be in contact with this would be detrimental to me. For that reason I am going to step back, while sending you kind thoughts and wishes that this situation resolves for you soon.

AryaStarkWolf · 25/11/2021 12:22

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

I don't think you need to be very specific as your only 4 dates in. Just say it isn't working for you. Your not cruel you are kind - it was kind of you to drive him to A and E. If he'd been drinking, how was he going to get home from your house?
Why does that even matter? Maybe he was going to stay over or maybe he was planning on getting a cab, bloody hell
Snaketime · 25/11/2021 12:23

Personally I would send him a message and say I have enjoyed our shirt time together, but I think you need to focus everything on your DD right now, I wish you well and hope your DD gets the help she needs.

Gwenhwyfar · 25/11/2021 12:25

"She owes him nothing."

We all owe each other common decency, with exceptions for abusive people of course.
Fine to finish it, but why make it worse by being nasty?

Gwenhwyfar · 25/11/2021 12:27

" unlike some posters here I don't see why they advocate blocking someone when there hadn't been animosity. If he doesn't get the message and persists in late calls, that's another thing."

Yes, blocking is so aggressive. I can only think that posters think OP might be tempted to contact him again if she doesn't block him?

SavageBeauty73 · 25/11/2021 12:30

Your text is perfect. That's too much drama to get involved in.

Ohnowhy2 · 25/11/2021 12:30

@Gwenhwyfar agree blocking is aggressive

Definitely won’t contact him. Me blocking him still doesn’t mean I can’t contact him. I can unblock.

OP posts:
SavageBeauty73 · 25/11/2021 12:31

Only block him if he gets nasty. I doubt he will.

Ohnowhy2 · 25/11/2021 12:31

He responded. Ok understood. Sorry

Hopefully easy as that. Now on to find a less drama filled guy

OP posts:
PenelopeVonDelius · 25/11/2021 12:35

I think your text was good and you did the right thing. He didn't judge the boundaries well at all. Hope he leaves it there. You could also block if you wanted, but hopefully unnecessary.

Iputthetrampintrampoline · 25/11/2021 12:36

OP just to say I wish there were more decent people like you about, I think you have handled this beautifully. I only hope going forward your next liason is filled with much laughter,lightness,sizzling passion and fun mixed in with tenderness and calm, You deserve nothing less, Take care of you and good luck and much happiness going forward,

CloseThePackWithAClickClack · 25/11/2021 12:36

How many dates was it? I don’t think your OP was clear 😂

‘I have enjoyed my time with you but this situation is not something I’m looking for. All he best for you and your daughter x’

Thecurliestwurly · 25/11/2021 12:36

@Skeumorph

'Hi. I hope you and (daughter) are ok this morning. I am sorry but I don't want to take this relationship any further. It's clear that (daughter) needs your focus to be on her for the moment and it's probably not the best time to be putting energy into a new relationship when you have so much going on. Secondly, I would feel unfair starting a relationship with you when it's clear that you are looking for a far closer and more involved and supportive link than I would want right now. I wish you all the best'
I would go with something like this. The fact that he let his ex be abusive to you isn't great. He should have asked you to go home and get sleep for work at this point, not expect you to stand there and take crap from the ex. The fact that he dragged you into the situation rather than suggesting you just drop him off while he spends time with his daughter would say to me than the relationship would be quite one-sided.
LittleDandelionClock · 25/11/2021 12:37

@Ohnowhy2

He responded. 'Ok understood. Sorry.'

Hopefully easy as that. Now on to find a less drama filled guy.

Could this be the shortest thread ever, with the least drama after a break up (ever?!) Shock

Hope you are OK OP, and everything pans out OK, and he doesn't bug you to get back with him...