Help with text to end things with a nice guy - but drama last night

[Ohnowhy2]

Help me write a thoughtful but end things text with a guy I have had 4 dates with.

Had 4 dates with a really kind and thoughtful guy. Last night was the 4th date - but ended with a trip to A&E and me consoling him and his ex.

He came round for take away and it was lovely until he got a call from his alcoholic ex saying his daughter was saying she was going to harm herself so they were going to A&E.

He started to panic and couldn’t get hold of his daughter. He ex kept phoning saying she has dragged his kid in a taxi to A&E. he was getting visibly more upset. So, being nice person I am he drive him to A&e to meet his daughter. He had a drink, taxis were taking ages and I was sober.

I ended up sitting outside A&E consoling him and then his very drunk ex. His drunk ex went through stages of being abusive to me and then apologising saying I would make a better mum - wtf as not even thought of meeting his kid.

I eventually managed to leave. But kept getting calls from him for support. I did say at 1am I need to sleep as work tomorrow.

Now he has texted to say he didn’t tell me about his family issues as we were getting ti know each other but this is not an isolated incident.

So I now want to end things as I feel I can’t or want support him fully as it’s only been 4 dates and we are still in the getting to know you stage. Too much drama.

I know it’s not his fault, but I really don’t want to start a relationship with someone with this much drama. He has already called me to talk about the situation and in my opinion leaning heavily on me (4th date girl so a stranger) for support. I can see this getting worse.

How can a put this politely in a text. I feel cruel as he is having a hard time. But in the same respect, drama at the start will only get worse.

OP you sound very kind and level headed. It’s a good balance to strike.
I think you’ve done exactly the right thing, for yourself but also for his family.
I’ve had similar drama in my life and chosen not to date until things calm down. My kids need my full attention and a new partner would not need that level of angst.
Hopefully this chap will take a bit of time too. Good luck in your search!

Ohnowhy2

"If I wasn’t there, no idea how he would of got there. Drive himself? but as he had a drink and taxis delayed I offered."

But by doing that you were offering to "save" him. And that type of dynamic so early on very rarely nurtures a new relationship.

As I say, I assume he is a grown adult man (he has a daughter and an ex so he must have been a functioning adult on some level for quite some time having an ex and a daughter old enough to threaten to harm herself). I would bet he has been in situations like this before and had to find a solution.

Maybe one of the things he was attracted to was the fact that he sensed you absolutely would be ready to change all plans and jump into a car with him for an unknown emergency at date 4.
And you have had something similar before.

Two questions
(1) Do you want the main thing he is attracted to about you is your ability to provide an immediate on the spot solution to a problem he would otherwise have had to solve himself?
(2) If you had been sympathetic and kinds but firm that he find his own way to A&E, do you think he would have contacted you the next day?

You are 110% within your right not to contact him again. And it sounds like you have done it kindly. But you probably know that there is a chance he is absolutely cringing that you saw all that unedited and his contact now is some desperate ungracious attempt to try to salvage something.

However as i say he was in the wrong too for accepting a lift from a potential romantic partner at date 4.

@Gonnagetgoing agree with you. 4th territory you are on best behaviours trying to see if you want another date. . He did say on date 1 he divorced his ex as she was an alcoholic but they are amicable for sake of child. I didn’t probe.

Understand that he had to tell me and I helped that night so understood situation. Just not appropriate to be the emotional crutch. He should of known that. If this happened 6 months down the line and was in a relationship, wouid support.

[quote Ohnowhy2]@Gonnagetgoing agree with you. 4th territory you are on best behaviours trying to see if you want another date. . He did say on date 1 he divorced his ex as she was an alcoholic but they are amicable for sake of child. I didn’t probe.

Understand that he had to tell me and I helped that night so understood situation. Just not appropriate to be the emotional crutch. He should of known that. If this happened 6 months down the line and was in a relationship, wouid support.[/quote]
@Ohnowhy2 - agree with all you say. Absolutely fine to state why he's divorced and the situation and equally fine and the right thing for you not to probe.

It's slightly better now you've mentioned he told you about the alcoholic ex on the first date but the unplanned drama and subsequent dragging of you into the drama (good of you to help) really wasn't on for a 4th date and he shouldn't have done that. Had he not dragged you into the drama you could've maybe given him another chance but now it's just too messy or has the potential to get too messy.

Agreed that 6 months down the line, and in a relationship with him would be the ideal time for you to support him

@bubblesbubbles11

Ohnowhy2

"If I wasn’t there, no idea how he would of got there. Drive himself? but as he had a drink and taxis delayed I offered."

But by doing that you were offering to "save" him. And that type of dynamic so early on very rarely nurtures a new relationship.

As I say, I assume he is a grown adult man (he has a daughter and an ex so he must have been a functioning adult on some level for quite some time having an ex and a daughter old enough to threaten to harm herself). I would bet he has been in situations like this before and had to find a solution.

Maybe one of the things he was attracted to was the fact that he sensed you absolutely would be ready to change all plans and jump into a car with him for an unknown emergency at date 4.
And you have had something similar before.

Two questions
(1) Do you want the main thing he is attracted to about you is your ability to provide an immediate on the spot solution to a problem he would otherwise have had to solve himself?
(2) If you had been sympathetic and kinds but firm that he find his own way to A&E, do you think he would have contacted you the next day?

You are 110% within your right not to contact him again. And it sounds like you have done it kindly. But you probably know that there is a chance he is absolutely cringing that you saw all that unedited and his contact now is some desperate ungracious attempt to try to salvage something.

However as i say he was in the wrong too for accepting a lift from a potential romantic partner at date 4.

I don't understand why you are going so deep into this, OP offered to help like any decent person would, she subsequently is off put by all the drama and therefore wants to put a stop to things. I don't think it is any deeper than that and doesn't need to be psycho analysed

If more people acted like OP in the dating world and were upfront with how they felt then it would be a lot easier.

You're lovely, op.

I don't like the sound of him really. He left his little girl living with an alcoholic and couldn't get past himself last night when some getting on with things was needed. I think you'd have found him self absorbed and immature in the longer term

"I think it would be in everyone's best interest, especially your daughter's, that you just concentrated on being a dad to her right now - no distractions"

@Tink1989 yes it is getting a bit deep.

@bubblesbubbles11 nope not saving him. No to him being attracted to my solution finding. I am just a decent human who offered a lift. It’s a simple as that.

@Clymene

A few texts?

"I eventually managed to leave. But kept getting calls from him for support. I did say at 1am I need to sleep as work tomorrow."

"He has already called me to talk about the situation and in my opinion leaning heavily on me (4th date girl so a stranger) for support."

This is not a man who is boundaried. As the OP points out, she is a stranger.

@gannett I was going to reply to your previous comment, but @Clymene puts it over well, & expresses my reservations..

There was nothing wrong in either OP's or his responses in getting to A&E without delay.
He also didn't owe her an up-front analysis of the poor state of his relationship with his Ex, at only 4 dates in - the man could hardly have anticipated the emergency that happened when he was with her last night.

But continuing to phone someone, who is still practically a stranger to your life, expecting "support", until she has to finally exhaustedly extricate herself from the 1am call, is far, far too much to ask. Then he called OP again today expressly to discuss the situation.
That's a boundary too far.

@ChargingBuck yip it is too far. I feel for his situation, but I can’t help or want to.

Two things going on here. 1. His family situation is complicated. It is difficult enough sometimes with blended families. This is a situation that is obviously very complicated, and likely to continue for at least some time, maybe always. 2. 4thDateMan's is obviously overwhelmed with his family situation, and has overstepped boundaries expecting you to be a crutch at 1am in the morning when you have work. This wouldn't get any better going forward IMHE. The first situation is enough for many people not to want to be involved, add in the second and life would be potentially very difficult.

@Skeumorph PERFECT