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Original poster

Help with text to end things with a nice guy - but drama last night

112 replies

Ohnowhy2 · 25/11/2021 11:19

Help me write a thoughtful but end things text with a guy I have had 4 dates with.

Had 4 dates with a really kind and thoughtful guy. Last night was the 4th date - but ended with a trip to A&E and me consoling him and his ex.

He came round for take away and it was lovely until he got a call from his alcoholic ex saying his daughter was saying she was going to harm herself so they were going to A&E.

He started to panic and couldn’t get hold of his daughter. He ex kept phoning saying she has dragged his kid in a taxi to A&E. he was getting visibly more upset. So, being nice person I am he drive him to A&e to meet his daughter. He had a drink, taxis were taking ages and I was sober.

I ended up sitting outside A&E consoling him and then his very drunk ex. His drunk ex went through stages of being abusive to me and then apologising saying I would make a better mum - wtf as not even thought of meeting his kid.

I eventually managed to leave. But kept getting calls from him for support. I did say at 1am I need to sleep as work tomorrow.

Now he has texted to say he didn’t tell me about his family issues as we were getting ti know each other but this is not an isolated incident.

So I now want to end things as I feel I can’t or want support him fully as it’s only been 4 dates and we are still in the getting to know you stage. Too much drama.

I know it’s not his fault, but I really don’t want to start a relationship with someone with this much drama. He has already called me to talk about the situation and in my opinion leaning heavily on me (4th date girl so a stranger) for support. I can see this getting worse.

How can a put this politely in a text. I feel cruel as he is having a hard time. But in the same respect, drama at the start will only get worse.

OP posts:
bubblesbubbles11 · 25/11/2021 13:57

It's only been 4 dates.
Maybe I will be shot down but do you actually have to say anything at all?
Also, have not read whole thread, but at date 4 would it not be possible for the two of you to be somewhere where you "jumping in the car to drive him somewhere" is just not possible when he gets that phone call? Sure help him call a taxi or some other means of getting to A&E but I am not even sure you were obliged to go to A&E with him (you could have got an update on what happened from him after the event?)
I don't know, 4 dates seems quite early on to be offering support to someone who is not in the category of a platonic friend on that level.

bubblesbubbles11 · 25/11/2021 14:02

Oh and also i agree with 1forAll74.

If it is absolutely the correct moral thing to expressly tell him she does not want to date him again, the do it face to face (as briefly as possible). Text is wrong.

Subbaxeo · 25/11/2021 14:04

OP your suggestion hit just the right note.

But @FinallyFluid‘I didn’t do GCSE drama at school and don’t want to as an adult’-that response is unnecessarily contrived and mean. What would you be trying to achieve? To be a knob?

bubblesbubbles11 · 25/11/2021 14:05

"I don’t think he wanted to tell me. He took a call in private and came back in visibly upset. He had to tell me really."

In the light of this, i think any unsolicited text basically saying "wow mate way too much drama for me" - however nicely put - is presumptuous.

Maybe I have missed a post from the OP explaining that this date of hers is now banging down her front door and bombarding her with messages so she has to respond in which case I withdraw this comment.

Missmissmiiiiiiiiisss · 25/11/2021 14:08

@FinallyFluid

I didn't do a drama GCSE at school and I don't as a grown up.

I am sure you understand, and then block him.

This isn't going to go away.

That’s so unnecessarily rude. I hope you wouldn’t really say that Confused

OP as others said something kind but clear e.g
Hope your daughter is doing better today. I wanted to be upfront and clear so I don’t waste your time, that I don’t think we’re the right fit for each other, I’m going to call it to an end, but wish you all the best.

Original poster
Ohnowhy2 · 25/11/2021 14:17

@bubblesbubbles11 a lift was offered as taxis were a long wait. We were at my house a 10 min drive to A&e. What would you do if someone needed to get to a&e urgently and it was over 30 mins wait. Went in as he was upset - didn’t say long. Agree this level of support is too much hence why ended. He did send a few update messages and called. Text was needed.

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 25/11/2021 14:21

Maybe I have missed a post from the OP explaining that this date of hers is now banging down her front door and bombarding her with messages so she has to respond in which case I withdraw this comment.

OP had to extricate herself from a 1am phone call, in which he expected to discuss his problems & receive her support. That is horribly presumptuous & boundary-crashing.

aLittleL1fe · 25/11/2021 14:26

I don't think I'd see it as an issue personally because it was out of his control (it's not like he planned to introduce you to an alcoholic ex on the 4th date!) but if you don't have your own children and in addition you've also been through something similar that left a scar, then it makes sense that you don't feel comfortable and you're doing the right thing by being honest and kind.

DysmalRadius · 25/11/2021 14:29

This is just the beginning - if he is any kind of father, he will be dealing with a lot more of this and, presumably, trying to spend more time with his daughter and having her live with him in due course. He is not in a position to be beginning a relationship.

BillMasen · 25/11/2021 14:30

You’re within your rights to decide it’s not for you, clearly, and you’ve said that kindly (unlike some suggestions)

I feel a bit for him as he didn’t plan all this, and it looks like a tough situation has sabotaged this, not him. If it were the recipient of the “too much drama” text posting they’d definitely get sympathy and understanding

gannett · 25/11/2021 14:31

OP has handled this well, firmly and sensitively. Same can't be said for other posters who think a parent having to make an emergency trip to A&E because their daughter is has self-harmed and their ex is drunk is somehow "revealing his true colours". Even referring to it as "drama" to him would be insensitive.

ChargingBuck · 25/11/2021 14:35

He certainly can't help his ex's behaviour, or the A&E trip, which must have been appallingly stressful & frightening.

But he can help expecting a woman he has met just 4 times to become his 'emotional support human'. It's inappropriate, needy, & makes me wonder why he hasn't already got professional child therapists & his own good friends in place to support him.

Kendoddsdadsdogsdadsdead · 25/11/2021 14:37

I didn't do a drama GCSE at school and I don't as a grown up

Oh my god - don't say this. Immature, cringey and mean.

gannett · 25/11/2021 14:42

@ChargingBuck

He certainly can't help his ex's behaviour, or the A&E trip, which must have been appallingly stressful & frightening.

But he can help expecting a woman he has met just 4 times to become his 'emotional support human'. It's inappropriate, needy, & makes me wonder why he hasn't already got professional child therapists & his own good friends in place to support him.

A few texts on what sounds like an incredibly emotionally fraught night (where OP was the only person who he wouldn't have had to explain the situation to, as she was there) don't indicate a character flaw.

Entirely OP's right to remove herself from that sensitively and firmly, which she has done without assigning blame or negative character judgment on someone going through a shit time.

sonjadog · 25/11/2021 14:43

Maybe he does have friends and people to support him, but just there and then when it happened it was the OP who was beside him? I think anyone who meets someone at a moment where their life is in crisis and their emotions are high and announces that there is "too much drama" for them, is seriously lacking in empathy. You don't have to get involved, you don't have to stick around, but at least try to walk away without giving them a parting kick as you go.

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 25/11/2021 14:44

Read the thread- the OP sent a sensible text, he sent a sensible accepting reply. No drama here today.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 25/11/2021 14:48

I think the text you sent was perfect op and his reply was good so hopefully that's the end of it

Gonnagetgoing · 25/11/2021 14:49

@bubblesbubbles11

Oh and also i agree with 1forAll74.

If it is absolutely the correct moral thing to expressly tell him she does not want to date him again, the do it face to face (as briefly as possible). Text is wrong.

@bubblesbubbles11 - after 4 dates OP is fine to dump by text, she doesn’t need to see him in person to dump. She owes him nothing!
bubblesbubbles11 · 25/11/2021 14:49

Ohnowhy2

Noted on your update.
So if you had not been on a date, how would he have got to A&E? Surely he would have some other means of getting there?

Look I am not trying to be antagonistic here, I just think sometimes new relationships have a better chance of working if you deliberately do not step early into a place of what a thoroughly decent and kind friend would do for someone.
Of course if it is a platonic friend (whose friendship you value) you might very well be very willing to drop everything and drive them to A&E.
If it is a brand new relationship where you are both still trying to show the best side of yourself to the other person, in some senses, sitting tight and not offering that lift might have been the better thing to do.
If he really liked you he would have found a way to get to A&E himself in whatever way (or been in touch with his ex in some other way) and would have let you have any relevant details later at a pace which gives a new relationship half a chance.

As it was you got the information out of him because he was visibly upset and then you offered to take him.
Not saying you were wrong, clearly you are a really decent person, but that kind of thing can kill something stone cold dead before it gets off the ground.
He is equally the cause of this tho by accepting your lift.

Clymene · 25/11/2021 14:52

A few texts?

"I eventually managed to leave. But kept getting calls from him for support. I did say at 1am I need to sleep as work tomorrow."

"He has already called me to talk about the situation and in my opinion leaning heavily on me (4th date girl so a stranger) for support."

This is not a man who is boundaried. As the OP points out, she is a stranger.

EmeraldShamrock · 25/11/2021 14:53

You've made the right decision.

Gonnagetgoing · 25/11/2021 14:53

@sonjadog

Maybe he does have friends and people to support him, but just there and then when it happened it was the OP who was beside him? I think anyone who meets someone at a moment where their life is in crisis and their emotions are high and announces that there is "too much drama" for them, is seriously lacking in empathy. You don't have to get involved, you don't have to stick around, but at least try to walk away without giving them a parting kick as you go.
@sonjadog - I actually disagree with you in your statement re someone is lacking in empathy if they’ve stated that there’s “too much drama for them” it’s not giving a kick or anything as OP has literally had this drama dumped on her 4 dates in, where she was getting to know and like the man. He could’ve told her sooner about his ex and OP could’ve made a decision whether to continue then based on that. OP is being fair and kind behaving how she’s done so far.
Yummypumpkin · 25/11/2021 14:54

Think the very first response on the thread from @Cocolapew nailed it.

Original poster
Ohnowhy2 · 25/11/2021 14:59

@bubblesbubbles11 it was killed when I found out his complicated life. As offering a lift, I stand by my decision. Regardless of friend or date, can’t let someone suffer when easy solution.

If I wasn’t there, no idea how he would of got there. Drive himself? but as he had a drink and taxis delayed I offered.

OP posts:
Gonnagetgoing · 25/11/2021 15:00

Look - regardless of what’s happened most of us would run a mile at a drunk/alcoholic ex let alone a suicidal child in the mix too. I appreciate it’s not exactly first or second date territory but he should’ve said something before a 4th date at least. Sadly some men or women lack boundaries re bringing up this or seem to think another person they’re dating might want to be an emotional crutch when generally a lot of people really don’t want to get involved in such drama. That’s not being harsh, emotionally unkind or anything it’s just safeguarding yourself for not being an emotional cripple. (Not just my experiences, others too).