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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Help with text to end things with a nice guy - but drama last night

112 replies

Ohnowhy2 · 25/11/2021 11:19

Help me write a thoughtful but end things text with a guy I have had 4 dates with.

Had 4 dates with a really kind and thoughtful guy. Last night was the 4th date - but ended with a trip to A&E and me consoling him and his ex.

He came round for take away and it was lovely until he got a call from his alcoholic ex saying his daughter was saying she was going to harm herself so they were going to A&E.

He started to panic and couldn’t get hold of his daughter. He ex kept phoning saying she has dragged his kid in a taxi to A&E. he was getting visibly more upset. So, being nice person I am he drive him to A&e to meet his daughter. He had a drink, taxis were taking ages and I was sober.

I ended up sitting outside A&E consoling him and then his very drunk ex. His drunk ex went through stages of being abusive to me and then apologising saying I would make a better mum - wtf as not even thought of meeting his kid.

I eventually managed to leave. But kept getting calls from him for support. I did say at 1am I need to sleep as work tomorrow.

Now he has texted to say he didn’t tell me about his family issues as we were getting ti know each other but this is not an isolated incident.

So I now want to end things as I feel I can’t or want support him fully as it’s only been 4 dates and we are still in the getting to know you stage. Too much drama.

I know it’s not his fault, but I really don’t want to start a relationship with someone with this much drama. He has already called me to talk about the situation and in my opinion leaning heavily on me (4th date girl so a stranger) for support. I can see this getting worse.

How can a put this politely in a text. I feel cruel as he is having a hard time. But in the same respect, drama at the start will only get worse.

OP posts:
Thecurliestwurly · 25/11/2021 12:40

Just seen that you sent it already. Glad it all went ok. I think you have made the right decision. He needs to focus on his daughter right now.

Hope you find a less drama filled date soon.

Ohnowhy2 · 25/11/2021 12:44

@CloseThePackWithAClickClack I think I did mention 4 dates. So not long

OP posts:
TheReluctantPhoenix · 25/11/2021 12:44

@Ohnowhy2,

I think you dealt with it perfectly.

Four dates is enough to owe someone a courteous message.

I don’t know why rudeness is somehow acceptable these days.

Ohnowhy2 · 25/11/2021 12:45

@LittleDandelionClock haha. Sorry to disappoint. I was in the fence anyway about him. Shame I missed out on a fancy dinner tomorrow. But think karma was telling me something - I couldn’t find a new dress for tomorrow night

OP posts:
ODFOgrinch · 25/11/2021 12:47

@Ohnowhy2

Thanks all. What about this?

I want to be honest. It’s been nice meeting you and enjoyed our dates. I am sorry about your difficult situation but i don’t think under the circumstances we should take it further.

Hope your daughter gets the help she need. Take care

Overall a great tone OP, but I'd tweak slightly.

Pedantic but slightly clearer :
' under the circumstances I think that we should not take take things further'

So you 'have thought and decided not to', rather than 'haven't thought.....'

sonjadog · 25/11/2021 12:50

Sounds like a good and undramatic ending!

I don't get why some people are so keen to block other people without any provocation. If someone is bothering you, then sure, but I think it is an odd first response.

Ubiquery · 25/11/2021 12:51

Could this be the shortest thread ever, with the least drama after a break up (ever?!)

No. We are going to be treated to more posters posting their oh-so-important thoughts without having RTFT because they’re too important to care about someone’s real life.

LittleDandelionClock · 25/11/2021 12:51

@Ubiquery

Could this be the shortest thread ever, with the least drama after a break up (ever?!)

No. We are going to be treated to more posters posting their oh-so-important thoughts without having RTFT because they’re too important to care about someone’s real life.

Grin
LittleDandelionClock · 25/11/2021 12:53

[quote Ohnowhy2]@LittleDandelionClock haha. Sorry to disappoint. I was in the fence anyway about him. Shame I missed out on a fancy dinner tomorrow. But think karma was telling me something - I couldn’t find a new dress for tomorrow night[/quote]
😂

Better luck next time! Smile

At least you found out soon eh? That he has a drama-llama ex, and a drama-llama life!!! Shock

ChargingBuck · 25/11/2021 12:53

Some of these replies are so mean!

I couldn't see a single mean word in all the replies above yours @TheReluctantPhoenix.

What IS mean is a man who has met OP precisely 4 times, the last of which panned out as she described, deciding he's now entitled to embroil her in his unfinished business & expect supportive phone calls with her about his family situation.

"Hi Dave, I enjoyed our few dates, & was happy to help you ensure your daughter was going to be ok the other night. But I can't feel it's appropriate to be discussing your situation in depth as you have been: we have only met 4 times, & I am not qualified to advise you on your issues with your ex.
I suggest you find a counsellor to help your daughter, & confide in a trusted friend about your problematic ex ... I am not looking to attract this level of drama into my life, especially as we barely know each other, so I am going to wish you all the best in finding some workable solutions with your ex, & move back to casual dating elsewhere.
All the best to your & your daughter, but I don't want to continue dating you."

Puzzledandpissedoff · 25/11/2021 12:55

@Ohnowhy2

Thanks all. What about this?

I want to be honest. It’s been nice meeting you and enjoyed our dates. I am sorry about your difficult situation but i don’t think under the circumstances we should take it further.

Hope your daughter gets the help she need. Take care

It's fine in its way, but opens the possibility of him insisting the "circumstances" will be different now After only 4 dates I'd personally go with the very first reply on here; it'll probably mean he'll be even more reluctant to tell the next woman the truth, but that's hardly your problem
Puzzledandpissedoff · 25/11/2021 12:57

Sorry, OP - I posted before reading the last updates

Well done on making the right choice and glad he seems okay about it

2Gen · 25/11/2021 12:58

@Skeumorph

'Hi. I hope you and (daughter) are ok this morning. I am sorry but I don't want to take this relationship any further. It's clear that (daughter) needs your focus to be on her for the moment and it's probably not the best time to be putting energy into a new relationship when you have so much going on. Secondly, I would feel unfair starting a relationship with you when it's clear that you are looking for a far closer and more involved and supportive link than I would want right now. I wish you all the best'
This is what I find to be the best one. It's kind and empathic but firm and honest. OP you are doing the right thing calling a halt, his situation is far too dysfunctional and unstable and other posters are correct that he needs to focus on his daughter who is obviously going through a bad time and needs all his support. He is not in the right form to be starting a relationship nor even dating at present and it's not your burden to carry. You were extremely kind and thoughtful to take him to A&E and to gracefully endure his ex's abuse. You've done your bit but you deserve to meet someone who is able to enhance your life, not drag you down. I wish you all the best!
Dollywilde · 25/11/2021 12:59

Interesting that some don't seem to see any meanness in their suggested responses. FWIW I think OP's was fine but the 'laters mate' followed by a block style ones do seem a bit off.

At the end of the day OP is under no obligation to him, no, but it costs nothing to be kind to someone who's clearly having a difficult time. I imagine most people would be in a bit of a weird place, emotionally, if their child had been taken to A&E last night due to self-harm.

ChargingBuck · 25/11/2021 13:02

@Ubiquery

Could this be the shortest thread ever, with the least drama after a break up (ever?!)

No. We are going to be treated to more posters posting their oh-so-important thoughts without having RTFT because they’re too important to care about someone’s real life.

Yeah, I treated you @Ubiquery ...

Trust it was more from a passionate sense of "get the feck out of there now!" for the OP that pure self-importance tho'. Grin

Winniemarysarah · 25/11/2021 13:03

None of these posts are mean. The situation is horrible but so is the way he handled it. At least he’s shown his true colours early. If I had a suicidal child living with an alcoholic ex then I’d be directing my energy into getting help/custody, not trying to get my leg over and throwing a new partner into the mix.
And there was no need to mention the circumstances on the date. ‘I’m so sorry but I’ve had a bit of a family crisis so I’ll have to cut this short’ and getting himself a taxi to the hospital should have been the way to go about it. Or even accepting a lift to the hospital and sending the op on her way if he was stuck getting there. Instead he’s trauma dumped his whole family drama on his potential new girlfriend and subjected her to a load of abuse from his alcoholic ex about his screwed up daughter. The op is well out of it now thank god

1forAll74 · 25/11/2021 13:05

I would not be texting anything, I would speak to him face to face, and tell him to concentrate on his daughter,instead of dating.

billy1966 · 25/11/2021 13:11

Well done OP, for stepping away.

RubyTuesday70 · 25/11/2021 13:14

He's obviously not great on boundaries if he thought that it was OK to drag you into this after 4 dates!

You should be really proud of yourself for having your own boundaries and keeping them.

dontwannasaymyjob · 25/11/2021 13:17

@Ohnowhy2
Good. It's all done. You're free to arrange nice meals out at lovely restaurant with a man you do click with & who has no drama.

I'm surprised you didn't leave when ex wife was getting abusive towards you even if it was soon replaced with 'you'll make a better mum' !! Arrergggghhhhhh!!! I'd have wanted to say "scuse me for a minute' and left without a backwards glance at that! ShockConfusedGrin

Glad he didn't become a pain when you texted him to end it. (Pretty sure he already knows how drama filled his family and ex wife are.)

Sounds like you have plenty of time to find a nice 'posh restaurant worthy' new dress!

Ohnowhy2 · 25/11/2021 13:19

@RubyTuesday70 I don’t think he wanted to tell me. He took a call in private and came back in visibly upset. He had to tell me really.

@Winniemarysarah I was wondering why he hasn’t got custody. He told me his daughter was fine until her mum split up from her partner. He said he wondered if his daughter didn’t feel safe. I did say you need your daughter to live with you

OP posts:
LuaDipa · 25/11/2021 13:24

[quote Ohnowhy2]@RubyTuesday70 I don’t think he wanted to tell me. He took a call in private and came back in visibly upset. He had to tell me really.

@Winniemarysarah I was wondering why he hasn’t got custody. He told me his daughter was fine until her mum split up from her partner. He said he wondered if his daughter didn’t feel safe. I did say you need your daughter to live with you[/quote]
Hopefully his dd is ok and he gets his finger out and fights for custody. Thankfully though it’s not your problem. I think you handled it really well. Best of luck.

Spudlet · 25/11/2021 13:24

Ah, what a shame for you and for him too, if he seemed nice. You did the right thing though, and he seems to have taken it well. Hopefully it will be onwards and upwards for you, and in time for him too.

Changes17 · 25/11/2021 13:41

@Skeumorph

'Hi. I hope you and (daughter) are ok this morning. I am sorry but I don't want to take this relationship any further. It's clear that (daughter) needs your focus to be on her for the moment and it's probably not the best time to be putting energy into a new relationship when you have so much going on. Secondly, I would feel unfair starting a relationship with you when it's clear that you are looking for a far closer and more involved and supportive link than I would want right now. I wish you all the best'
This one
MasterBeth · 25/11/2021 13:43

“I know it’s not your fault, but I really don’t want to start a relationship with someone with this much drama.

Good luck with everything,”