Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Unable to forgive or forget

124 replies

JellyCatHat · 25/11/2021 09:14

Hi all

My husband went away with his friends for 4'nights when our little girl was 3 months old.'

I asked him not to book it when I was pregnant, constantly said I thought it was too soon. The night before I cried worried about how I would cope. He still went. The baby had some weight issues and I was having up pump if she wouldn't take the breast. I needed a lot of support to sustain breast feeding with these problems.

Anyway he went, I didn't leave the house, became ill with exhaustion and with the stress I just pumped and bottle fed and my daughter got a bottle preference. She has never fed from my breast since. During those days I was so tired I hallucinated that someone was knocking at my door in the night. It was so hard.

I can't forgive him. Baby is 6 months now and he said today he didn't see a problem with what he did and he's always in trouble so he might as well have gone. I'm considering asking for a divorce as I feel there has been a gross breach of trust. This hasn't been the only issue, but everything seems to lead back to this now.

Overall he is good as a husband and a father, sometimes selfish.

AIBU to end my marriage over this?

OP posts:

qualitygirl · 25/11/2021 09:16

It's ok to be upset OP But a drastic to end your marriage

MatildaTheCat · 25/11/2021 09:22

Is it true he’s always in trouble? Presumably for actions he doesn’t feel are wrong?

It’s impossible to know who’s right or wrong here but not so long ago you both wanted marriage and babies so at least try to make things work by having counselling or just listening to one another.

You don’t have to forgive or forget but you do need to move on in order to change the dynamics. Would divorce improve your life?

Gazelda · 25/11/2021 09:24

I understand why you found this hard. 4 days is a long time for him to be away when your DD was only 3 months old. And because you found it difficult, it had long term implications on how you feed her.

But I think you need to find a way to let this go. It sounds as though you we're against this from when it was first mentioned during your pregnancy, so I wonder whether he thinks it was inevitable you'd be cross and resentful about the trip.

He said he's always in trouble for something. Is this true? Is he frequently being thoughtless/selfish?

You say he is a great father and husband. Why not try to work with that rather than throwing it all away.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/11/2021 09:26

How are you finding life in general now? Have you carried on struggling with sleep deprivation and feeling very low?

TheKeatingFive · 25/11/2021 09:28

You can end your marriage over anything you like.

However in this case, don't underestimate the stresses of having a small baby. 6 months is a tough time and hard on a lot of marrriages. If things are good apart from this I'd give it more time.

OinkPinkPonk · 25/11/2021 09:31

I think we can all abit selfish sometimes.
I can imagine how hard it was for you, but it's been 3 months.
Why is every argument etc going back to that situation?
If overall you have a happy life together, he's good with your DC then I think ending the marriage is abit OTT.
What's the other issues?

44PumpLane · 25/11/2021 09:32

Would it be worth some couples counselling to help you as an individual and as a couple move past this.

As another poster said it seems like you predicted you'd struggle and therefore wanted him not to go away, so he may feel like you are inflating how much you did struggle, but for you it's a real reflection of how you managed.

Unless there is more to this it doesn't sound like either of you were particularly wrong, you wanted more support and he wanted to have a couple nights away, which feels reasonable as a one off.

Many parents cope without the help of a partner (not to lessen your struggle, juts pointing out that from his perspective it may not have been a big deal).

steppemum · 25/11/2021 09:32

This is a hard one. I can see why you found it hard, and I think it is pretty rubbish that he didn't listen to your repeated asks for him not to go.

But you are in the early days of baby and adjustment still. Many people find the first year really difficult and it puts a huge strain on your relationship.

For most people you come out the other side. So the question is really whether you need to weather the storm, together, or if having a baby has broken the relationship.

None of us on the internet can tell you that. Right now, your baby is still young, you have had a really hard time feeding, you are probably still exhausted, and still finding your feet as a mother. None of that makes for good decision making.
On the other hand, you say it isn't the only issue, he didn't listen to how you were feeling and what you needed as a new mum, and he says he is 'always in trouble' which suggests that either you are unreasonable, or he has a pattern of lack of support and selfishness.

I think you need time to think, which is hard with small baby.
Can you talk to anyone in real life? Can you get out for a few hours (with or without baby) to get some head space?

Muttly · 25/11/2021 09:36

Honestly I don’t know if this is a break up situation but obviously only you can decide.

My husband has turned out to be a truly excellent father carries the mental load, engaged with kids, does his share of housework yadda, yadda but there has been some seriously selfish behaviour over the years - our eldest is 17 - we are together 19 years.

He is human after all and he makes mistakes but I am glad I stuck through some shitty times to get here. It is patterns of behaviours not one offs that tell the character of a person. Even then if a person is willing to address their pattern of behaviour which just comes from their upbringing/conditioning there is still hope.

I genuinely understand why you are so upset. His choices put you under undue strain and you lost your BF relationship with your child over that weekend but honestly it is not guaranteed that given the struggles you were experiencing that you might have had issues even with him there that weekend, there is no way to tell.

If his behaviour is a once off or at the very least exceptionally rare I think there is definitely hope for you together and it is worth trying to work through. I suspect though you are concerned that after him showing this behaviour you are concerned that a pattern might emerge and he will leave you in the lurch again when you need him and you are trying to head that off before it happens but honestly you cannot tell yet.

WouldBeGood · 25/11/2021 09:36

Oh dear @JellyCatHat. I think YABU, but you sound like you might be depressed, with these obsessive thoughts. Please speak to someone irl about how you are feeling, maybe your GP or health visitor?

I really don’t think a few nights away with friends merits you ending your marriage. I think you might well regret it if you do. Things seem overwhelming when DCs are small but with hindsight they’re not such a big deal.

EnrouteNOTonroute · 25/11/2021 09:37

I think you’re BU to end your marriage over this.
You struggled to cope over 4 days without him, undoubtedly due to exhaustion. How will you cope if you divorce him (if he’s otherwise a good man?)

I can see why you might be upset about it, since you asked him not to go but he did anyway, but no harm has been done to the baby. I wouldn’t split your family up over this.
How are you feeling generally though? Do you have outside help at all?

Marvellousmadness · 25/11/2021 09:45

This would be rediculous to end a marriage over.

He went out when your baby was 3 months old. You were establishing breastfeeding so not something he could have helped you with even if he stayed home . Howeverrrrr. For your mental health yes he could have/ should have(?) stayed home! So I can understand you being angry. But this is not the kinda "divorce my dh" kinda angry.

Talk to a relationship therapist perhaps. Get some perspective from both angles. There is no need to keep bringing this up again and again to him. Its not gonna change anything. Accept what was. Accept that baby is now on a bottle. And try to find a path forward.

The first year of a new baby is when most couples split. You probably now get why. It is hard having a new baby
For you AND dh.

But again. This is not worth breaking up a marriage over.
Maybe in a year or 2 (terrible two's)you can repay him by leaving him with your LO for 4 days. ;)

MizzFizz · 25/11/2021 09:48

Please go to counselling and see if they can't help you both to find common ground here. I find what he did selfish and egregious. I can really understand your hurt. Some guys don't get it and need a reality check...

TotallySuper · 25/11/2021 09:49

YABU my husband had 2 weeks pat leave then was back to work. By 3 months we were in a great routine and yeah sometimes it was handy at night if he did get up etc but for 4 days it wouldn't have bothered me at all. Have you thought about if you have PND? I think the comments about "I'm always in trouble anyway" from him suggest this is all about more than just these 4 days and you have other reasons for wanting to end the marriage.

Willyoujustbequiet · 25/11/2021 09:55

You are being ridiculous to end a marriage over this.

I guarantee you if you divorce you will find being a single mother day in day out for years far more exhausting than 4 days.

Changecountetextraordinaire · 25/11/2021 09:55

If you divorce him it will be a lot tougher than spending 3 nights on your own. How would you have managed if he works away or was in hospital for a few days? Is the resentment caused because he was off enjoying himself?

Is there any chance you may have pnd?

If you do decide to stay, and if he's generally a good husband and father please don't dwell on this - you do need to put it behind you and move on. If, however, it was the start of a pattern of behaviour from him, then you need to rethink.

YouokHun · 25/11/2021 09:57

I am not trying to minimise your distress @JellyCatHat or say what your DH did was absolutely fine; I think he should have recognised you needed someone around at that time, but I think you sound as if you might need some support. Have you had any assessment for PND? Do you have family or other support? I would talk to your GP or HV before you make any drastic decisions about your marriage.

ChristmasScrooge · 25/11/2021 09:58

YABU and ridiculous to end a marriage over this. Remember it doesn't effect just you, it effects your child for the rest of their life too.

FabriqueBelgique · 25/11/2021 09:59

I don’t think you’re over-reacting at all.

People forget how scary and isolating it can be to become responsible for a tiny little human (whilst recovering from pregnancy and birth and flooded with hormones!)

I would be gutted by the lack of support.

Eastridingclub · 25/11/2021 10:00

You're not happy. He's not listening to you. That's the issue really, rather than one specific incident. He needs to realise this was a wake up call for you. You need to decide what you want from him

Pyewackect · 25/11/2021 10:04

@ChristmasScrooge

YABU and ridiculous to end a marriage over this. Remember it doesn't effect just you, it effects your child for the rest of their life too.

Totally agree. You need to calm down.

VeganCheesePlease · 25/11/2021 10:08

This is a tricky one, and there's not really a right answer here.
He left when she was three months so I take it he was back to work etc. I think it also depends on what the trip was - I.e. if it was a close friends stag/big birthday then that surely changes things a bit.
Did you have anyone you could have called while you were struggling? A friend or family member?There are plenty of stories here about how difficult breastfeeding is, and if it was making you so ill, maybe it wouldn't have been sustainable in the long run, trip or no trip.
Re the always in trouble- what's the story there? Is he always doing silly selfish things or are you feeling vulnerable and a bit snappy at the moment? No judgement- it happens to us all.

Cryalot2 · 25/11/2021 10:08

For going away 4 days when you were breast feeding you want a divorce!

He couldn't breast feed for you.You sound depressed. Could you have pnd?

The red flag is when he says he can't do anything right. Is there more to this than that?

I am totally shocked at you suggesting this. I guess I should have given dh the heave ho years ago then.

Decide if you are in general happy and want to be together and if so get some counselling.

girlmom21 · 25/11/2021 10:12

I agree that I'd speak to a professional about this.
It's a bit annoying that he went but it sounds like he feels like the relationship is in a bad place and he couldn't have done right by you even if he'd stayed. Do you think that's a fair assessment?

I wouldn't end a marriage over this.

flamebuoy · 25/11/2021 10:12

With all due respect OP there are ppl who have dh's who work away for weeks and months at a time. I'm not saying you can't find it hard but 4 nights is nothing really...you need to put it into perspective. My dh went back to work for a full month when our first dc was 2 months old...I survived.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread