Unable to forgive or forget

[JellyCatHat]

Hi all

My husband went away with his friends for 4'nights when our little girl was 3 months old.'

I asked him not to book it when I was pregnant, constantly said I thought it was too soon. The night before I cried worried about how I would cope. He still went. The baby had some weight issues and I was having up pump if she wouldn't take the breast. I needed a lot of support to sustain breast feeding with these problems.

Anyway he went, I didn't leave the house, became ill with exhaustion and with the stress I just pumped and bottle fed and my daughter got a bottle preference. She has never fed from my breast since. During those days I was so tired I hallucinated that someone was knocking at my door in the night. It was so hard.

I can't forgive him. Baby is 6 months now and he said today he didn't see a problem with what he did and he's always in trouble so he might as well have gone. I'm considering asking for a divorce as I feel there has been a gross breach of trust. This hasn't been the only issue, but everything seems to lead back to this now.

Overall he is good as a husband and a father, sometimes selfish.

AIBU to end my marriage over this?

You really won't make a good single parent OP. How on earth do you think single Mums deal with newborns?
Your DP is a disrespectful prick.

It was t ideal that he went, but if he didn’t cheat or do anything else heinous, think back to your marriage vows. Did you mean them when you made them? If so, this is no reason to throw away a marriage and affect your child’s relationship with their father (inevitable if not living in the same house), if he is an otherwise good man.

To try and be helpful and offer the objective opinion you might have wanted when you posted, it sounds like you are fixated on this event somewhat disproportionately and from your post, it sounds like an unsafe basis for a major life decision, based on the information on your post. To try and help put it in perspective, I suppose a conversation with your adult child that says, 'Your father went away for four days when you were three months old. I couldn't let go of him deciding to do this and divorced him as I couldn't forgive or forget' might not be one I'd want to have with my adult DC.

FWIW, I don't see a mother of a three month old having to look after their own baby for four days without help as out of the ordinary.

Good luck.

In the nicest way, if you divorce him it sounds like you'll really struggle on your own. Have you considered therapy? Either alone or together? A few friends of mine have husbands work on the rigs and they'd be gone for weeks at a time when their babies were tiny. I think you need some proper support to move past this. Is your husband right when he says he's always in trouble?

Why is he always in trouble?

Yes, you would be unreasonable. I second the suggestion you get assessed for PND as your anxiety over him going beforehand, and your reaction to him going since then is not normal imho. You also mentioned he said he’s “always in trouble” with you which suggests continuing anxiety and PND. You also mentioned having a hallucination, and I believe you, but sadly PND can include psychosis with hallucinations. I feel terrible for you that you have been struggling for 6 months and no one has thought to get you help for your mental health.

For context, by 3 months, my baby was in nursery and I was back to work full time. Four nights by myself with a baby would not be anything to be anxious about to point of crying. You should not be still struggling to cope with a baby at 3 months. I understand you thought the solution is more from your husband or that he’s not doing enough, but honestly no matter how much he did do, it would not be enough to someone suffering from PND. You need professional help. It’s not your fault or his the way you feel.

@HomeSliceKnowsBest

You really won't make a good single parent OP. How on earth do you think single Mums deal with newborns? Your DP is a disrespectful prick.

What an awful thing to say. She'd do just find on her own if she needed to.

I get what you’re saying about breastfeeding. My daughter chose bottle over boob at about 5.5 months. It’s easier for them. There are some parents at the other end of the spectrum that cannot wean baby of boob and baby/toddler hardly eats due to boob attachment. I didn’t get to choose when I was ready to stop breastfeeding and neither did you, but you’ve given your baby a great start and I certainly found it helped my baby’s weight when I introduced a bottle.

It sounds like you may have PND as suggested several times. I don’t think the majority of men understand how having a baby affects us, they can be amazing, but ultimately we feel all of the responsibility for them. And sometimes that means we do treat our partners like they can’t do anything right/as well as us.

Think about this carefully. I gave my ex an ultimatum 5 days before our daughter turned one. I told him to be part of our family or leave - he left. I’ve be a single parent for over 5 years, it’s tough (but not as tough as being in a bad relationship with a kid). My mum helps but when daughter is sick (like this week) I’m here by myself trying to soothe her, sort out cover for my work etc.

If it’s a deal breaker then end things, otherwise you have to learn how to forget it and stop punishing him.

It's the lack of concern for you, isn't it? Not the fact that he went. Did he acknowledge that it was going to be tough for you? Arrange for a babysitter so you could catch up on sleep? Get a food shop in so you didn't have to go out? Clean the house and do the washing so he was leaving you up-to-date with everything? Or did he just dismiss your concerns and swan off?

I would have been OK with my DH going away at that stage but I would have expected some quid pro quo from him. And to do everything he could beforehand to make things easier for me.

If you say that this is a one off then divorce is ott. Unless there is a backstop of you suffering with pnd than your reaction was also ott and it sounds as though you wound up yourself up into a bit of a state. Why is he always in trouble? The fact that he went means you are entitled to be pissed off, but agree with everyone else that your reactions were dramatic and suggest pnd. If this is the case, please take it seriously.

I’d be annoyed too, it’s pretty unsupportive to just bugger off for 4 days like that.

I can’t really say whether you’d be unreasonable to get a divorce or not but it really sounds like you need to vent first of all. Do you have anyone in real life who you can chat to? MN can be a bit toxic.

Selfish yes but to end your marriage over..a bit dramatic I feel.

Trouble is men don't go through all the difficult bits of pregnancy, birth PND etc so cannot often understand, no excuse but often a factor...

I still feel guilty for not really being around for a good friend of mine when she had her son and was exhausted and not very well.

She was the first person of our group to have a baby, the rest of us were career focussed, and in our girls about town stage of life....

We dropped in with cards etc, but did not offer the level of help l now know (2 babies in and 2 c-sections) she really needed.

It was simply we had no experience of what she was going through and were young and focussed on other things.

Life experience brings compassion and empathy... terll your husband in no uncertain terms how much you struggled, how much pain you were in , try and draw an example,
l said to my DH in the midst of 9 solid months of morning sickness when he was losing sympathy, Imagine your worst hangover and a tummy bug all rolled in together ...every day for months and months....every day...he finally got it.

If after your explanation he doesn't understand maybe he is a waste of space but give him a chance to understand first.

I think the problem is that he shows no understanding of why this was a big deal for you. And the fact that he thinks he can do what he likes, regardless of the impact on you, as he is 'always in trouble'. Psychologically, this is giving himself a 'get out of jail free card' to do whatever he likes without caring of the impact of it on you.

So now, you are not wrong to think that your marriage is in serious trouble. Its not about the fact he went away (and I think he should not have gone as you were clearly struggling and asked him for help).
Its about how the conversation went about him going away and how the conversation has gone since he got back.

Basically, you had absolutely no scope to influence him when you asked for his support as he had already decided he can do what he likes. You have no scope to influence him in showing you understanding and regret for his behaviour negatively affecting you, as he has decided he can do what he likes.

You can't influence him and he's not listening, or caring. YANBU to think that these traits will lead to the end of your marriage. Your marriage is in serious trouble, and if he is not even recognising that, there is no hope of saving it.

Agree completely with @thebleepblop

If this was not an isolated incident I would view my marriage as pretty doomed.
If it’s isolated I’d insist on couples counselling

@PlanDeRaccordement

Yes, you would be unreasonable. I second the suggestion you get assessed for PND as your anxiety over him going beforehand, and your reaction to him going since then is not normal imho. You also mentioned he said he’s “always in trouble” with you which suggests continuing anxiety and PND. You also mentioned having a hallucination, and I believe you, but sadly PND can include psychosis with hallucinations. I feel terrible for you that you have been struggling for 6 months and no one has thought to get you help for your mental health.

For context, by 3 months, my baby was in nursery and I was back to work full time. Four nights by myself with a baby would not be anything to be anxious about to point of crying. You should not be still struggling to cope with a baby at 3 months. I understand you thought the solution is more from your husband or that he’s not doing enough, but honestly no matter how much he did do, it would not be enough to someone suffering from PND. You need professional help. It’s not your fault or his the way you feel.

Sleep deprivation also causes hallucinations.

Good for you that you were back in work at three months. That is not possible for everyone. At three months I had had months of getting at most three hours of sleep, in small broken chunks, in each day (reflux constantly screaming, none sleeping baby). I was never getting any deep sleep and I was so exhausted I was unable to judge distances when I when through doors, causing me to bang my baby's head, almost flooded the house and almost blew us up several times by going out and leaving the gas on the hob on. I was an utter mess and not safe.

OP has said she was appalling sleep deprived. Don't underestimate the impact of this. You are very confident in diagnosing PND but it may just be sleep deprivation combined with a husband who is more concerned with a trip away with his mates than helping his wife get some sleep by bottle feeding the baby at night.

@thebleepblop
I did not diagnose OP with PND. I recommended she be assessed for PND as have several other posters and with good reason as she is in fact exhibiting several symptoms and red flags for PND.

Good for me that I was back at work at 3 mos?? You are assuming I had a choice. I did not have a choice. I also was sleep deprived, what new parent isn’t? Especially since I was breastfeeding exclusively and they all went to reverse pattern feeding once I was back at work. I slept in 45min mini naps. But I still had to go to work at 6am every day. Don’t you dare confuse your still being home with your baby for anything other than what it was....privilege.

My dd was born on a Sunday and my dp was back to work on Tuesday as he was freelancing at the time and I had to do everything myself including the school runs in winter with a newborn in tow and I have no problem with this.

Sorry to say but think you're putting too much on this and need some help. When it comes to feeding, fed is best and you have no way of knowing if your baby would definitely taken to the boob better if he was around.

My dd was born on a Sunday and my dp was back to work on Tuesday as he was freelancing at the time and I had to do everything myself including the school runs in winter with a newborn in tow and I have no problem with this.

How is that even relevant.

Having babies are completely different experiences for different women. Many need support. Your dh went with your agreement to do something that benefited the family. It was a shared decision and you undertook to look after his child on that basis. The op was not ready. What difference does it make it you were ready. She wasn't.

Also youdoyou not everyone has the luxury of doing you.

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@thebleepblop
I did not diagnose OP with PND. I recommended she be assessed for PND as have several other posters and with good reason as she is in fact exhibiting several symptoms and red flags for PND.

Good for me that I was back at work at 3 mos?? You are assuming I had a choice. I did not have a choice. I also was sleep deprived, what new parent isn’t? Especially since I was breastfeeding exclusively and they all went to reverse pattern feeding once I was back at work. I slept in 45min mini naps. But I still had to go to work at 6am every day. Don’t you dare confuse your still being home with your baby for anything other than what it was....privilege.[/quote]
but honestly no matter how much he did do, it would not be enough to someone suffering from PND. You need professional help Its very hard to see this as anything other than an armchair diagnosis.

Actually, 45 minute naps were privileged compare to the sleep I was getting. My son slept for (at the very most) 90 mins, when he woke I fed him and then had to hold him upright due to the reflux for at least 30 mins, so that all took about 50mins to an hour. Then I often could not get back to sleep again before he woke for the next cycle. It was hell. I was so tired even when I got a chance to sleep I could not, I effectively developed insomnia. It was like my body had lost the ability to respond to tiredness as I had spent so long forcing it awake.

So please don't use your experiences to try to put other people down for finding their's hard. Your experiences are only your own.
You don't know anyone else's and certainly not those of strangers on the 'net, and certainly not OPs.

he said today he didn't see a problem with what he did and he's always in trouble so he might as well have gone

something was wrong before he went away if he perceives your relationship like this.

could be he is attempting to excuse himself by turning the issue on to you.
A 'damned if you do, damned if you dont' sort of thing.

doing something that clearly upset you when you felt vulnerable is shit. I mean sure, he has a perfect right to go away for a bit, but the tone smacks of an already existing tension.

I couldnt say who is responsible for the pre existing issue, im just a person on the internet, but this just stinks of the stereotypical man shite that too many women put up with until they are saddled with kids and a life of misery.

please seek some help and support, friends, family, etc. Prioritise your baby and your mental health. then work on your confidence.

then, later, decide if this man is good enough for you.

It sounds like you’re struggling. Most people would be okay looking after a three month old for a few days. It sounds like you want your husband to make it easier, which he should up to point, but you need to develop your resilience too. The answer isn’t for you to need an adult there to look after you at all times. Do you have mum friends? Do you do baby groups? Can you speak to a health visitor about how you’re feeling? Sorry it’s been hard for you, it can get better.

@thebleepblop
You are being obtuse by ignoring how I said up front
I second the suggestion you get assessed for PND I was clearly recommending OP be assessed. My later sentence stated “to someone with PND” and as you know someone is a noun that refers to any person other than the person you are talking to.

At no point did I diagnose OP.

So please don't use your experiences to try to put other people down
STFU. You put me down first with your “good for you” comment. So you can dish it out, but can’t take it in return. Good to know.

You also need to look up the definition of “privilege” because your sleep schedule compared to mine isn’t an example.

What does he mean by ‘he’s always in trouble’

I think with the exception of fairly specific circumstances leaving a wife with a small baby when struggling is a dick move.

I suspect if you gave us the full story he’s not overall good at much except being a tosser.

I think it's a little unreasonable for you to blame him for not being able to continue to breastfeed, it sounds like it was just one of those things. Him not being there shouldn't have affected your baby's feeding. However I can completely understand you feeling abandoned and isolated when he left you alone with a small baby, when you begged him not to. I think this lack of care is what's really upset you and I can understand why. However will it help to remove him from his child's home full time when three days alone was so hard? It sounds like it might be better to have him there for at least some support.