Unable to forgive or forget

[JellyCatHat]

Hi all

My husband went away with his friends for 4'nights when our little girl was 3 months old.'

I asked him not to book it when I was pregnant, constantly said I thought it was too soon. The night before I cried worried about how I would cope. He still went. The baby had some weight issues and I was having up pump if she wouldn't take the breast. I needed a lot of support to sustain breast feeding with these problems.

Anyway he went, I didn't leave the house, became ill with exhaustion and with the stress I just pumped and bottle fed and my daughter got a bottle preference. She has never fed from my breast since. During those days I was so tired I hallucinated that someone was knocking at my door in the night. It was so hard.

I can't forgive him. Baby is 6 months now and he said today he didn't see a problem with what he did and he's always in trouble so he might as well have gone. I'm considering asking for a divorce as I feel there has been a gross breach of trust. This hasn't been the only issue, but everything seems to lead back to this now.

Overall he is good as a husband and a father, sometimes selfish.

AIBU to end my marriage over this?

So please don't use your experiences to try to put other people down
STFU. You put me down first with your “good for you” comment. So you can dish it out, but can’t take it in return. Good to know

Oh dear. You tell someone who is struggling that 'for context; you were doing so much better and you don't think that is a put down? Oh

I find the comments on his thread shocking!

Taking care of the child is both OP and her husband's responsibility, not just hers.

I completely understand not being able to move past it.

For posters who say she will struggle on her own, taking care of an older baby is much easier than taking care of a 3 month old, especially if you are struggling to breastfeed.

And to posters who say that they were in similar or much more difficult situations but managed fine. Why should the OP have to do this when she has a husband? Is him going out with friends more important than her wellbeing or the baby's?

You needed him, and during a time when he had a duty to be there for you and your DD. His child too. His responsibility too. The least he could do, what with having the gift of a child but without the pregnancy, the pain, the recovery, the breastfeeding, pretty much the everything.

And he couldn't even prioritise you at this time in your joint lives over a jolly with his mates.

Yes I'd probably want to move on too. You absolutely sound as if you need therapy, and that you may well have PND which is at least partly unrelated to this.

But they say that when someone shows you who they are - especially when the chips are down - believe them.

And his 'view' on it - 'I'd be in trouble anyway so I might as well go' - what the fuck? No, you should NOT go because you're needed by your wife and very small baby, and that's the case, and that's still your responsibility as a decent husband and dad regardless of whether your wife is wonderful to you or whether she's a completely horrible person to live with. You still have those responsibilities.

Yes I would also be where you are now with this. I would be thinking that this probably wasn't the kind of man I wanted as my life partner.

You don’t have to forgive or forget you just need to decide if it’s something you can put in a box and move on. There’s a couple of things my DH has done which I have issues with but I had to make the decision to put that to one side. I explained I wasn’t prepared to forgive and forget but I was prepared to move on.

@JellyCatHat

YANBU to be a bit pissed off, but how on earth do you think divorcing your DH is going to make your life any easier?

You struggled for 4 days without him, how do you think you'll cope forevermore without him?

As a few posters have said, you sound like you have PND. Contact your GP...

@DearHorse Well I find the comments shocking that are telling the OP to leave (and divorce) her husband over this. FFS, if we all divorced our spouses every time they did something shitty, there would be NO-ONE actually married anymore.

Shit happens, deal with it, and move on..... Don't throw away your fucking marriage!

I think you’re overreacting a little.
I don’t minimise your upset and ultimately you only know what you’re happy with and if you genuinely WANT to end your marriage then of course go ahead, but I do think it’s a bit much.

@LittleDandelionClock There are no or hardly any messages suggesting the OP to divorce her husband.

I am shocked by the harsh comments towards the OP and lack of empathy in quite a few of the posts.

@thebleepblop

*So please don't use your experiences to try to put other people down STFU. You put me down first with your “good for you” comment. So you can dish it out, but can’t take it in return. Good to know*

Oh dear. You tell someone who is struggling that 'for context; you were doing so much better and you don't think that is a put down? Oh

@thebleepblop You know the context was in terms of how it is not normal to still be struggling to the level OP was at 3 months faced with only 4 nights solo and so she should get assessed for PND.

I never said or implied I was “doing so much better” you are deliberately mischaracterising my statement that I was working FT. I did also say in that paragraph that it’s not her fault at all. So no it wasn’t a put down. Not like your statement to me was.

You are the one constantly assuming that my working FT with a 3 mo old is “doing so much better” it’s not. It simply means I had more to cope with at 3mos and was able to do it. It doesn’t indicate better, or easier at all.

It us clear that you are both struggling to see the others point of view, and I think that talking to a marriage counsellor would be helpful. At the moment, it does not sound as if this is going to be able to be resolved well if you carry on as you are. But there are going to be a lot more disagreements to come, as there are in any relationship so you need to have good strategies in place together.

[quote LittleDandelionClock]**@DearHorse* Well I* find the comments shocking that are telling the OP to leave (and divorce) her husband over this. FFS, if we all divorced our spouses every time they did something shitty, there would be NO-ONE actually married anymore.

Shit happens, deal with it, and move on..... Don't throw away your fucking marriage![/quote]
Its about recognising the signs that this might be a poor relationship. Gottman, a relationship researcher, can watch 15 minutes of footage of a couple talking about something they disagree on (not politics but things about their lives together such as this incident) and he can predict with something like 80% accuracy which marriages will survive based on looking at how they talk to each other about that disagreement.

Its not the incident that matters, its how the couple are able to talk to each other about it. Strong relationships are made not on how well couples get along when things are good, but how they are able to talk to each other when things are not so well.

From what OP has said about how they are talking there are signs that this relationship does not have a good foundation. If that is not addressed, then this is a marriage in trouble.

Many women stay in poor marriages and relationships because when they talk about one of incidents like these to people outside their marriage, the significance of them is minimised.

And I would say the take home message from the Relationships board is not that women are too easily leaving good relationships but that they are staying and staying and staying in bad ones.

@Willyoujustbequiet

You are being ridiculous to end a marriage over this.

I guarantee you if you divorce you will find being a single mother day in day out for years far more exhausting than 4 days.

This! How in hells name do you think single parents cope? You are being completely ridiculous * proviso- if this is the only issue. If not, why keep bringing it up?

I wonder whether the 'failure' to BF (I don't think you are a failure but that was often our own perception) has led to PND for you? That happened with me and because of this you are laying more blame than perhaps is fair on DH?
If he is otherwise a good father and husband I would try to work through it.

You struggled for 4 days without him, how do you think you'll cope forevermore without him?

I imagine she'll do just fine. Lots of people don't set out to be single mums but end up there and find it a lot more rewarding than being in a relationship with a partner who is supposed to be supportive but is actually selfish and passive aggressive.

Personally, I couldn't tolerate living with an aggrieved man-child who thinks he can do whatever he wants because 'you'll only get angry with me anyway'. So if that's the OP's lived reality (and she hasn't really provided enough details to judge), then it wouldn't be surprising if she was contemplating ending the relationship.

I wish people would stop calling OP "ridiculous".

Why should she discount how she feels about this situation, if that is exactly how she feels? She felt ignored and unsupported at a very vulnerable time and still feels that way.

It might well be over reacting to go straight from that to actually instigating a divorce, but she can't help it if she feels that the relationship is not working.

OP I second the advice from other pps that you need to get more support and that perhaps consider getting some help from your gp, health viz or a relationship counsellor. Find out if there is a way to make your DP understand that you need more support and explore what he means by in trouble for everything and whether this is justified or not.

Yeah it's an over reaction. You were breastfeeding so don't see how you expected him to help and not like you had other children to care for presumably at the same time? Otherwise I Could understand - I really don't get why a lot of new mothers these days seem to be incapable of functioning or parenting young babies without their partners on hand every second of the day and night - I did it... with twins I might add

YABU to end a marriage over this.
YANBU for feeling very let down by him.

May be worth having some marriage counselling. It's tough adjusting with a baby especially if things like bf don't go as you'd like. My dh works away so I know hard it feels to be left to cope alone, I do it a lot.

You do sound hard work tbh. 😬

Wow. Some of these posts are seriously lacking in compassion.
And why do a few posters feel the need to have a row on a thread FFS.
OP, if you're still reading I'd urge you to talk to your DH and impartial friends who can give you an honest perspective. Don't rush into a major decision without further advice.

How are things generally for you?

You were breastfeeding so don't see how you expected him to help and not like you had other children to care for presumably at the same time?

Wtaf. So fathers of breastfed babies are essentially redundant until the mother stops breastfeeding? And there's absolutely nothing they can help with? My DH will no doubt be wishing he'd received that memo given I used to wake him up to change nappies and re-settle the baby and ask him to do the shopping and cleaning.

If your partner is struggling and needs help you don’t leave them to it, that’s just basic relationship stuff isn’t it? What’s the point of having a partner if their not your partner?

You are being wayyyyyy over-dramatic.

@Gliderx

You were breastfeeding so don't see how you expected him to help and not like you had other children to care for presumably at the same time?

Wtaf. So fathers of breastfed babies are essentially redundant until the mother stops breastfeeding? And there's absolutely nothing they can help with? My DH will no doubt be wishing he'd received that memo given I used to wake him up to change nappies and re-settle the baby and ask him to do the shopping and cleaning.

No I didn't feel the need to wake my husband up to do nappies and settle babies I was perfectly capable of doing myself - since he was the one working full time..... he did help with our older child but I had TWINS (which I breastfed) and a 4 year old. The OP has one child

And that child has two parents. Both of whom should be involved in parenting them.

A full-time job is no excuse. Loads of parents work full-time and still parent their child.

These attitudes are why men often fail to step up when women return to work after maternity leave. The attitude that the baby is the woman's responsibility is often too firmly engrained by then.

Does the OP get to stop parenting when she returns to work? Since her working DH has no responsibility to help with the baby, the same must apply to her, right?

Something similar happened to me recently. DH went to a wedding (his best friend) and was away for two nights because it wasn't local but in a different part of the UK. I struggled with two children who have additional needs and texted him to return. He couldn't on Saturday night due to alcohol he drank to toast the bride and groom. And had one pint at the bar. Otherwise he said he would have driven home.

He did get up early on Sunday and travelled as soon as there was daylight. Got home to help me from 11am thankfully.

I was livid. I had said months ago he shouldn't do it. But he didn't want to let best friend down.

I get where you are coming from OP.

There was an "orchestra" when he got home. I was raging. I said I am no longer in love with him and can't forgive him for it.

I do love him but just can't see what on earth he was thinking. I know time is a great healer and he realises I struggled and won't go away again, not when youngest are so small.