Unable to forgive or forget

[JellyCatHat]

Hi all

My husband went away with his friends for 4'nights when our little girl was 3 months old.'

I asked him not to book it when I was pregnant, constantly said I thought it was too soon. The night before I cried worried about how I would cope. He still went. The baby had some weight issues and I was having up pump if she wouldn't take the breast. I needed a lot of support to sustain breast feeding with these problems.

Anyway he went, I didn't leave the house, became ill with exhaustion and with the stress I just pumped and bottle fed and my daughter got a bottle preference. She has never fed from my breast since. During those days I was so tired I hallucinated that someone was knocking at my door in the night. It was so hard.

I can't forgive him. Baby is 6 months now and he said today he didn't see a problem with what he did and he's always in trouble so he might as well have gone. I'm considering asking for a divorce as I feel there has been a gross breach of trust. This hasn't been the only issue, but everything seems to lead back to this now.

Overall he is good as a husband and a father, sometimes selfish.

AIBU to end my marriage over this?

@Gliderx

But the OP isn't a single parent. Her child has two parents, who are equally responsible for caring for the baby when they are off work.

Exactly. And surely the OP knew her limitations, asked for help and support, and really could have done with her husband there to help with such a young baby. She wasn't asking for the moon🤦🏻

Awful lot of posters creating their own versions to dramatise their ott interpretations imo.

It's a sign of strength to admit you are not coping. OP did this. She should have been taken seriously. No wonder people end up seriously mentally unwell.

Minimising what OP went through certainly doesn't help...

My husband went away Wednesday to Monday to work at the last t in the park when my son was 12 weeks old.

He felt guilty but we thought it was work. I struggled the first day but got into a routine and I also had help from my friends/mother in law when I needed it.

My dh missed Dh's birth, got home 3 or 4 days after the event (he was at sea in a submarine), had leave til the submarine was back, and then went back to sea again. My Mum and fil helped where they could (mil was nowhere to be seen). Both my Mum and fil worked and lived 3.5 hours away from where we lived. It was what it was and there was nothing that could be done to change the situation.

Yes having a new born is exhausting and men don't understand that; but I'm not sure that 4 days away is worth ending your marriage over.

@HarrisMcCoo

It's a sign of strength to admit you are not coping. OP did this. She should have been taken seriously. No wonder people end up seriously mentally unwell.

Minimising what OP went through certainly doesn't help...

Maximising it isn't really useful either....

I think you are being overly dramatic.

Most parents would just get on with being alone with baby for a few days, I certainly do not think hallucinations are normal. I think you need to possibly get an appointment with your GP.

So we're agreed that hallucinations aren't normal. But we think it's OK for a dad to leave a baby with a new mum who's suffering from hallucinations?

OK then. Crazy.

Hoping you are ok op.
I just wonder are you blaming your dh for your baby going on to bottle feeds and think if he had given you more support you could have continued bf.? Just a thought.

I had no choice when my first dc was born as they despite a healthy weight had to be tube fed. Frankly I couldn't have cared less as long as they were ok.

I know there is a lot of pressure on bf but a healthy fed baby is the main thing. It doesn't matter how it's fed.

I hope you and your dh can communicate and sort things out and that you feel much better.

She made a tired mistake...she wasn't tripping her face off in la la land...🤦‍♀️

*So we're agreed that hallucinations aren't normal. But we think it's OK for a dad to leave a baby with a new mum who's suffering from hallucinations?

OK then. Crazy.*

This.

And this wasn't even work. It was a flipping jolly. While his baby's other caregiver is hallucinating.

What a dick.

@Eastridingclub

And this wasn't even work. It was a flipping jolly. While his baby's other caregiver is hallucinating.

What a dick.

Exactly. Not a surprise she isn't happy with him, and it breeds resentment.

It’s absolutely ridiculous to suggest that a parent of a three month old you are a disgrace if you go away with friends for four nights.

Get a grip

@HomeSliceKnowsBest

You really won't make a good single parent OP. How on earth do you think single Mums deal with newborns? Your DP is a disrespectful prick.

WTF is this supposed to mean?

If she was a single parent she would deal with it. She's not (at the moment) and she is perfectly reasonable to expect her husband not to bugger off on a four-day jolly when she's trying to breastfeed a newborn.

I'd also be seriously pissed about this. Not sure if I'd be pissed enough to end a marriage over it -- depends what he's like in other respects.

But the suggestion that the OP can't cope on her own is misogynist bullshit. How can any of you possibly know this?

Because she said she couldn’t? And a three month old is not a new born. And adults (even parents!) are entitled to have fun

@Gliderx

So we're agreed that hallucinations aren't normal. But we think it's OK for a dad to leave a baby with a new mum who's suffering from hallucinations?

OK then. Crazy.

To be fair she had no hallucinations until after he had gone. So he did not know she would have an hallucination when he left.

To be fair she had no hallucinations until after he had gone. So he did not know she would have an hallucination when he left.

Yeah but should it have taken having a hallucination to make the point that this is the wrong time to eff off for a holiday?

Hiding this as it’s bonkers

@Explosionsinthosedays

To be fair she had no hallucinations until after he had gone. So he did not know she would have an hallucination when he left.

Yeah but should it have taken having a hallucination to make the point that this is the wrong time to eff off for a holiday?

I sincerely think that under normal circumstances taking 4 night away when DC is 3 MOs old is not usually a problem. I don’t think the DHs absence caused the hallucinations as there are multiple other symptoms pointing to PND. I don’t think it is OPs or her DHs fault for not picking up on this as they are both first time parents and both went into parenthood assuming normal progression.

If you decide you do want to remain married then it would be a good idea to try and move past this. I'm not sure I could stay in a marriage where I was still being berated for something I had done (which did not constitute a breach of trust) three months ago.

WRT the breastfeeding, I presume you are still pumping. If so, there is absolutely no difference to the baby at all. She is still having BM.

Please get some help with these obsessive thoughts, OP. Your baby was three months old back then, not three weeks. So 'establishing' breast feeding wasn't the issue. Your perspective and your memory both seem to be affected by this. Both my close mum friends had DHs who worked away for most of the week at that stage. Four days away shouldn't have been traumatic for you, so clearly something was amiss back then and still is now.

I'm not underestimating the depths of your feelings, but this is not standard. Four days caused this yet you're talking about divorce and being on your own with the baby long term. Your thinking is disordered.

Something is wrong and you need some support from a professional. And I suspect your DH must be worried sick too.

This is all speculation now, as I very much doubt that the OP is coming back. We know far too little from her single post to draw any conclusions about her mental state, or about how good a dad her husband is generally.

On the face of it, divorcing him would appear to be OTT, I do agree with PPs about that.

Yabu. I think maybe chat to a marriage counsellor about your feelings, either on your own or with him. You sound a bit depressed / overtired and a counsellor will help you work out what you really feel and what’s just anger/exhaustion talking.

It isn’t his fault breasfeeding didn’t work out. Sometimes life just sucks, blaming him won’t help.

Yabu to consider ending your marriage over this one thing.

For context, when I was pregnant with DD, DH chose to change departments into a role where he was away from home Mon-Thurs EVERY week for the next 18 months. Didn’t ask my views just “btw my next role is this” It sucked and I was a bit cheesed off / gutted about the lack of help, but I didn’t have your extreme reaction and would never have considered ending a marriage over it.