Unable to forgive or forget

[JellyCatHat]

Hi all

My husband went away with his friends for 4'nights when our little girl was 3 months old.'

I asked him not to book it when I was pregnant, constantly said I thought it was too soon. The night before I cried worried about how I would cope. He still went. The baby had some weight issues and I was having up pump if she wouldn't take the breast. I needed a lot of support to sustain breast feeding with these problems.

Anyway he went, I didn't leave the house, became ill with exhaustion and with the stress I just pumped and bottle fed and my daughter got a bottle preference. She has never fed from my breast since. During those days I was so tired I hallucinated that someone was knocking at my door in the night. It was so hard.

I can't forgive him. Baby is 6 months now and he said today he didn't see a problem with what he did and he's always in trouble so he might as well have gone. I'm considering asking for a divorce as I feel there has been a gross breach of trust. This hasn't been the only issue, but everything seems to lead back to this now.

Overall he is good as a husband and a father, sometimes selfish.

AIBU to end my marriage over this?

@HarrisMcCoo you no longer love him because he went to his best friends wedding? Jfc.

This site is mental. People are angry with their spouses for attending perfectly normal divisor activities?! When they have children!!

Social activities 🤣

I agree it must have been tough but if you can't get past this - it will destroy your marriage.

In my first marriage which is over, I used to have circular arguments with my exh. He would pick fault. Then a few weeks/months later when I thought we were happy, or just sitting relaxing watching the he would remind me of the fault and the argument starts again.

Eventually I tuned out as I felt constantly picked on for this fault. I also hated living like this.

If this is the only bad thing he did - you have to decide to move forward and forgive or put both of you out of this misery.

Lastly and please consider - breastfeeding as you were till 12 weeks was a great achievement. I understand how fitting it is when you have to stop early (I never managed to get very far). Could you possibly be transferring the disappointment of not having the breastfeeding journey you wanted onto this weekend away?

[quote girlmom21]@HarrisMcCoo you no longer love him because he went to his best friends wedding? Jfc. [/quote]
No, because I asked him to ask another friend to be best man instead and stay at home to help with two children who have additional needs.

Posters need to stop minimising others feelings on this site. It's no wonder folk in real life hold back with their feelings. Hope OP is okay.

What lack of compassion on this thread. Honestly.

@HarrisMcCoo so are neither of you ever allowed to have a night to yourselves until your children are adults?

That's a really unhealthy way to live.

Does he work? Do you? Do the children go to school?
If the answer to any of those is yes then they can cope for a few hours without you both being there.

If you separate, you're going to have to look after them alone for much longer than one night. How long do you expect either of you will want to stay in a loveless marriage?

Why would you wan't to end a marriage because of this, the original incident, is over and done with now, so no point in dwelling on it now.

When I had my daughter many years ago, my late Husband went to the USA on business for two weeks, two days after she was born,, and he had delivered our daughter in the car before his trip.

I agree with @HarrisMcCoo. There is a real minimising of the OP's understandable feelings. At a time when she was vulnerable (and most new mums have their vulnerable moments), she was abandoned by the person who should have supported her. Her partner and her child's dad.

Someone criticises me up-thread for waking my (working) DH up to help with the baby. I had a terrible sleeper, I hadn't slept for more than 2-3 hours since my baby was born and sleep deprivation was making me hallucinate that I had thrown my baby out the window. A chronically sleep-deprived, anxious and depressed mother can reach a stage where she is not safe to be left in charge of the baby by herself. A bit of support from her child's other parent is useful in preventing her reaching that stage. In my case, I fed my baby in bed while half-asleep and DH made sure the baby was put safely back in the cot afterwards which prevented unsafe co-sleeping. Yes, I would have to feed the baby anyway but DH's help meant I could nod off while the baby was feeding rather than having to stay alert which made a big difference.

When I had my daughter many years ago, my late Husband went to the USA on business for two weeks, two days after she was born,, and he had delivered our daughter in the car before his trip.

If that worked for you and your DH, great. Other people have higher standards for fathers.

@Eastridingclub I'm not saying it was easy, it wasn't, I would have loved more help but I got on with it at the 3 day mark in amongst the breastfeeding, sleeplessness and everything else that comes with babies and having children. OP by all accounts was 3 months in and knew this trip was coming up for months, yes the husband was a bit of dick to leave but life doesn't stop just because you've had a baby!

The OP seems very dramatic to divorce over this but seeing as she hasn't returned and seems to have whipped up a frenzy here, it's all seeming a bit dodgy to me now.

OP I honestly wonder if AIBU is the right place for this, it might be worth asking MN to move it to Relationships because you’re getting some very harsh replies here.

It doesn’t matter whether other people coped in similar situations, you were worried that you wouldn’t and expected your partner to be your support. His reaction (that he gets it wrong whatever) suggests that you aren’t on the same page of what that support entails. You do sound like you would benefit from counselling as a couple. I’d add as kindly as possible that you don’t sound very resilient at the moment and it might be worth speaking to the GP or health visitor about what you can do to build yourself up a bit.

"might be worth asking MN to move it to Relationships because you’re getting some very harsh replies here."

No sh*t. Some folk just open their mouths without any thought that there's a person at the other side of the screen.

Have some compassion please, guys.

@Gliderx

I agree with *@HarrisMcCoo*. There is a real minimising of the OP's understandable feelings. At a time when she was vulnerable (and most new mums have their vulnerable moments), she was abandoned by the person who should have supported her. Her partner and her child's dad.

Someone criticises me up-thread for waking my (working) DH up to help with the baby. I had a terrible sleeper, I hadn't slept for more than 2-3 hours since my baby was born and sleep deprivation was making me hallucinate that I had thrown my baby out the window. A chronically sleep-deprived, anxious and depressed mother can reach a stage where she is not safe to be left in charge of the baby by herself. A bit of support from her child's other parent is useful in preventing her reaching that stage. In my case, I fed my baby in bed while half-asleep and DH made sure the baby was put safely back in the cot afterwards which prevented unsafe co-sleeping. Yes, I would have to feed the baby anyway but DH's help meant I could nod off while the baby was feeding rather than having to stay alert which made a big difference.

My DH did similar as I have an autoimmune disorder where I suffer fatigue and was absolutely f*cked due to sleep deprivation. It was crippling so despite doing shifts, he did still help by changing nappies through the night, and putting baby back in cot. He is a parent too, work or not, has to get on with helping me out look after baby.

Good grief....try being a single parent full-time.

He didn't murder anyone....you sound incredibly high maintenance Op.

But the OP isn't a single parent. Her child has two parents, who are equally responsible for caring for the baby when they are off work.

Entirely unsurprised by your standard Mumsnet response Gliderx.

So what? The baby was entirely safe with its mum for a few nights...

But the baby wasn't really safe with its mum. The mum was sleep-deprived and struggling. Many baby deaths are caused by parental exhaustion and consequent unsafe parenting practices. I often think, 'There but by the grace of God...' when I hear about these accidental baby deaths.

Fathers can reduce the risks by not letting mothers get to this stage of exhaustion. My DH stepped up at nights after coming home from work to find me passed out on the sofa and our baby wedged between me and the side cushions. I was so tired it took him a few minutes to shake me awake.

Grasping at straws there Gliderx....

Demonstrably the baby was and is fine...

No need for either parent to be enslaved to the other ad infinitum...

The OP describes herself as 'ill with exhaustion' so not exactly grasping at straws. A good partner does not leave someone who is ill with exhaustion in charge of a very young baby.

I don't think there is a parent in the land who couldn't say they weren't ill with exhaustion in the first year.

Perfect partners don't exist...

You are buying wholly into the Op's version ....I have no doubt she was extremely tired, as I am sure was he....tiredness isn't just for mum's it's for dad's too. Maybe he could have left it another six months but it is easy to be wise after an event. He was a new father in a new world and I am sure got a lot wrong...we all do including the Op.

Yes, some maybe most mothers would have coped. But some wouldn't. This mother wasn't coping. She was fragile. She let the person she was supposed to be able to depend upon know that she wasn't coping. And he ignored her.

It's not for nothing that suicide is the leading cause of death amongst new mothers. It's because they are unsupported and their cries for help ignored. And some don't cope.

I wonder if those 4 days caused a real trauma for you. All of the post-baby hormones, the fear of being alone, the sleep deprivation and the guilt and anger about not being able to continue breastfeeding? Perhaps a lot of that has got itself directed at anger towards your DH. I'd see a therapist to help support you with whatever you choose x

I think he might be struggling to find empathy. Has he looked after your D.C. for any length of time by himself? I think he might need to.

Very disappointing replies. She was actually hallucinating and posters are gleefully recounting how they could have managed perfectly.

I actually hate women sometimes.