Do you get a birthday present?

[Nippyintheair]

Off your Dh/Dp & parents?

I rarely get from either, just wondering if this is normal..

Birthday a couple of days ago, card from parents with them writing inside that they owe me a present, usually give my money when they see me (I live abroad)

Dp got me a card and cake. Doesn’t organise or ask if i want us (and toddler) to go out or what I want for dinner. It’s more or less another, normal day.
For him, I plan what to buy a month or so before, cards, usually bake a cake with toddler Dd, or order a specially made one, never the same old one I receive from the supermarket. I put balloons up and usually cook something nice if it’s during the week or plan a nice lunch or at least a takeaway etc.

He knows how much it bothers/upsets me, some years he has a present, others not. I’ve spoken to him about making more effort now we have Dd and maybe including her in things..it never changes.
It’s not about what the present is, I can buy myself something if I like, it’s 100% the thought and effort.

As it was, I planned and went out for lunch with Dd and have planned to meet friends at the weekend. Always so embarrassing when they ask what he planned/what I got too.

Is this normal?

Just to say, with my parents it obviously doesn’t bother me so much, with Dp it does.

I’m guessing everyone does 🙈with balloons, champagne and huge banners..🤣

I get a card from my mum and a card, balloon, gift and cake from DH. He’ll usually suggest going out or getting a takeaway but I’m not really fussed about my birthday, so I’m not usually bothered. So long as he gets me a card, I’m happy. If he didn’t bother with a card, I’d be hurt.

Saying that, I’ve had one big birthday since we’ve been together and he took me away for the weekend for that, which was lovely.

Yes
My mum, now she is older and somewhat infirm, gives me a cheque.
Dh gives me gifts, plans treats etc

For my 40th he took me to rome.

No, but all family/ everyone who knows me well enough to know when my birthday is, know that I can't bear to be reminded of it in any way.

I do get Christmas presents.

Depends if we've got cash. If we do then yes my husband gets me something. Our sons get me chocolates that they then share with me 😁
My parents (just my mum now, dad died coming up to 3 years ago) haven't got me birthday presents since I became an adult.

It’s hurtful, isn’t it, when your birthday rolls around and your “other half” puts zero effort into showing their love and appreciation by trying to make the day special for you.
Have you ever asked him how he’d feel if you didn’t give him a gift on his birthday and just treated it like any other day?

I get presents from my DH, PIL, my aunt occasionally (usually money) and maybe the odd friend.

Kids are a bit young at the moment but older makes a card.

They are nice presents, usually quite high value from family but I’m very easy to buy for as I like the consumable tat people often deride on here.

What does he say when you do lots for him and he does nothing?

Do you discuss it?

I always get a card / gifts from MIL and FIL & his wife (although it's her who remembers & gets everything).

I put a wish list on Amazon for DH to pick from there, I arrange the meal out or events.

Sorry that sounded like I was gloating. I meant I probably wouldn't if the women of the family didn't do it.

I always get a gift from my mum/step dad. Admittedly this year they sent my husband some money so we could get cocktails at our meal out. My sister gets me a gift too. My husband always organises either a meal out and an activity e.g. see a show and cocktails. However we don't have children and are late 20s early 30s so that might make the difference.

No, we're not a birthday card/ present sending family though. A phone call/ message is fine. The only people I buy birthday gifts for is my dc, dh and niece and nephew.

@2Hot2Handle @Nanny0gg I used to say it so many times, how birthdays are a special day (to me anyway, I see them as being more special than Christmas in terms of a personal gift/thought) he knows it upsets me, I just give up now!
I feel like doing zero for him now.
He often says if he had loads of money, he’d do something special, I’ve always said to him it’s not about the money, it’s the thought. He had enough money the weekend before, to pick something up, even if small or if he really wanted to he could save money back for a few weeks, could do any of that,
He never asks what I want for my birthday or what I'd like to do.
It bothers me more now as we have Dd and I’d like to set a good example. I like to try to celebrate things and show her we put effort in with people we care about, what does this show her?
It’s always the same crappy shop bought cake, just picked up and card, no thought whatsoever

On MN it seems normal for many not to get anything or expect anything, but for DH and I the absolute minimum for each is main present and lots of little things, weekend away at a hotel, dinner out, an activity etc.

It’s shit if only one person makes an effort and the other doesn’t in a relationship, especially if he knows it upsets you.

Yes, my DH always makes a fuss of me on my birthday. I don't really care about birthdays I'd be happy with a card.
For my 30th we went to Cyprus on holiday. We went to a restaurant for a meal when I walked in DH had arranged for my mum, dd, siblings and my best friend were all sitting there. He always does surprises on my birthday.

Yes, and I do think it is normal, sorry! We don't go in for huge extravagant presents, and I have been known to ask for a really nice dinner out instead (but even then he would give a little something). But I do expect something, yes.

Fine if you have both agreed that you are happy not to bother with presents, but otherwise pretty thoughtless.

My parents aren't alive, but used to get me a birthday present. The ILs don't do birthday presents for adults.

Could you say: for my birthday next week, I'd like that necklace from X, and shall we go out to eat at Y?

I had to work at it with DP but he has the hang of it now. I was brazen about reminding him when my birthday was and that a gift of some form & a card was expected.

He now remembers - but the type & quality of the gift can be vary shall we say.

The real turning point was the year he 'forgot' Mother's Day -DD was about 4-5. So I forgot Father's day - result was his nose was out of joint but message received and understood. So my suggestions are be brazen - start reminding him about your birthday (4 weeks out) with what you would like / want to do. And reciprocate in kind. So for his forthcoming birthday - nothing. Now he may not be bothered about this, but if this is the case then you've saved yourself hassle.

I have at least one friend who listed lack of birthday gifts as part of the unreasonable behaviour in her divorce petition........

I always had a lovely cake, cards and presents growing up, then when a bit older from friends etc too.
I just don’t understand this not making any effort, even when that person has told you how it makes them feel, is it they just literally don’t give a crap

@RosieCockle I feel I shouldn’t have to say it? Ok if he asked me what I’d like/what I’d like to do at least..but not even that-no a hastily picked up crappy card & cake I always get will suffice

Plus cooking dinner as usual on my own birthday

@DPotter I feel like doing the same..but he’d probably be ok with just a card and cake, I couldn’t do nothing, which he’d notice, that just feels too mean.

I deliberately didn’t say anything about my birthday this year, no reminders or anything, I just waited, but knew how it would be..and I was right

I’m just always so hurt and disappointed on the day, it ruins the day and when people ask what I did etc, I feel embarrassed

Could you try tackling it with him on the lead up to your birthday? In all honesty, it sounds like you’ve been very clear what you want, though.