Do you get a birthday present?

[Nippyintheair]

Off your Dh/Dp & parents?

I rarely get from either, just wondering if this is normal..

Birthday a couple of days ago, card from parents with them writing inside that they owe me a present, usually give my money when they see me (I live abroad)

Dp got me a card and cake. Doesn’t organise or ask if i want us (and toddler) to go out or what I want for dinner. It’s more or less another, normal day.
For him, I plan what to buy a month or so before, cards, usually bake a cake with toddler Dd, or order a specially made one, never the same old one I receive from the supermarket. I put balloons up and usually cook something nice if it’s during the week or plan a nice lunch or at least a takeaway etc.

He knows how much it bothers/upsets me, some years he has a present, others not. I’ve spoken to him about making more effort now we have Dd and maybe including her in things..it never changes.
It’s not about what the present is, I can buy myself something if I like, it’s 100% the thought and effort.

As it was, I planned and went out for lunch with Dd and have planned to meet friends at the weekend. Always so embarrassing when they ask what he planned/what I got too.

Is this normal?

OP, it was my birthday the other day. At 7am, DH came in with a massive cake with candles in it and all 4 kids and they were playing the Stevie Womder, Happy Birthday song. I had a mimosa in bed! He hardly knows his to use the coffee machine, but he’s made a coffee (of sorts) and crumpets and fruit. They had all written me cards. I had lovely flowers and a diamond bracelet to match the ring he gave me last year. Plus other things from Ortigia from the kids. We went for lunch and a lovely Autumn walk down the Thames. The night before we had been into town to a restaurant he’d booked. He’s also booked afternoon tea for me and some girlfriends at the coming weekend.

This is normal. Most couples enjoy spoiling each other. Why not?

The kids love birthdays - their own and mine / his. I always made a big deal of their birthdays so it’s normal for them to want to reciprocate - they get excited and enjoy it. My husband grew up with not a lot, but he realises these things are important since he met me and had children so he makes an effort. It’s really not that hard to grasp.

I think in your position I would kick up such a stink it would be literally make or break. I feel angry in your behalf because you deserve so much better.

I'm single but I get presents from my mum. I'm an only child and we are close, she likes to treat me on my birthday and vice versa.

The thing is, asking me what’s wrong? He knew fully what was wrong and then seemed almost angry with me for not looking happy/appreciative! 🤷🏻‍♀️

We spoil each other for birthdays. Weekend away and presents and meal out on the actual day if it's not the weekend

@1u1a That sounds amazing 💜that’s more the sort of thing I’d plan or expect to, even half of that would be nice

Also, I involve Dd in it more, we’d put a few balloons up, I’d get her to bring the cake with me and she gets all excited, he doesn’t do any of that

Take the energy you put into his birthday and use it for your own. If he only gets you a card then do the same. So he will notice? fine tell him the truth.

For your birthday i wouldn't do the martyr thing of cooking my own meal. Order your own take out. Take your dd for slap up lunch.

My point is don't wait around for him to change he won't. Is he the same at christmas?

We don't do valentines or anniversaries but we give expensive (£250 ish) gifts to each other for Xmas and birthdays (but don't give cards).

I always get gifts from my parents - usually chocolate, flowers and a voucher.

Two other aspects...

DP and I spoil each other fairly frequently throughout the year. Little treats, thoughtful gestures etc. That's probably a reason neither of us put much stock in actual birthdays. Does your husband make you feel special generally?

Also, if you have a DD then you've presumably had many birthdays as a couple. Did you tell him early on how you felt about birthdays? After a few years of this low-effort approach why did you think he'd change?

I think to say outright that you would like some cards ,pressies ,outings whatever . Is he a good dh the rest of the time? Maybe tell him some things you would like.many people seem to not celebrate bd as they are adults .it seems a shame .

Yes. Honestly if my DP ignored/forgot/couldn’t be arsed it would be a complete dealbreaker for me.

Well, I think you are both a bit extreme. Even if he is not a birthday person, he should listen to you when you say it's important to you to have yours acknowledged. On the other hand, when you say that 'This just ruins all my enthusiasm and joy for life' - either you're focussing on just one symptom of a problematic relationship, or if your joy in life really DOES depend on celebrating people's birthdays, then that is very intense and extreme. You can demand that others who are close to you acknowledge your birthday in a thoughtful way, out of respect for its importance to you; but you cannot demand that they share your enthusiasm for birthdays as such. Maybe you need to have a frank discussion with your dh, where not only do you re-emphasize the importance of your birthday to you, but you ask him to tell you just what he wants for his: it may be that 'nothing at all' would be fine with him.

Honestly if my DP ignored/forgot/couldn’t be arsed it would be a complete dealbreaker for me.

Well, if mine insisted on making a fuss of my birthday, after I'd made it clear that I want it totally forgotten, it would be a complete dealbreaker for me! Everyone's different, and people, especially partners, should respect and try to accommodate to each other's wishes, once they know them. Which it sounds as though OP's dh isn't doing.

DH is really thoughtful. Always a well chosen gift, and he takes the DC out to choose me a little something too. And we usually get a babysitter and go to a gig with a meal beforehand.

My parents always buy me gifts too.

This is who he is. He is not going to fuss you on your birthday. It’s not important to him. Stop fussing him on his - it’s mad that you keep doing that. On your own birthday, treat yourself to something nice. Take yourself off for a spa day with a friend, or a nice walk or afternoon tea. You can’t rely on him to make you feel happy on your birthday.

My dh is rubbish about birthdays but I wanted him to go to some effort because of the dcs so I started sending him links to things id like.
He sorts out the card and gets dc to sign it.
I know it’s not the same but at least it doesn’t leave me feeling rubbish.
We always get a meal of choice for the birthday person so that includes me too.

I would honestly stop doing anything for his birthday.

And make plans for your own birthday with dd and your family. Just go out for the day and evening with dd and leave him to it.

@Wiredforsound But where to go from there? I can’t rely on him to make me feel special, so will do it myself with Dd

Dh never got birthday presents growing up. But when we started dating and subsequently married I bought him and he in turn got me.
We are married over 30 years and dated many years prior. Yet the only times he gets it wrong have been the past 2 years.. I had a significant birthday a year ago and covid and him between them messed it up.
Yet when he had the same birthday adult kids and I paid for a lovely holiday and trips.
Mine was awful and I bought us 2 coats on mine .

Then this year we were away for a break during mine. ( I thought wrongly it was my birthday present) as had to pay my share.
What did I get ? A wooly hat !
There was to be something else but he is not techie and got dd to buy online what I wanted but it didn't work out for them. I just told them not to bother. I will be honest I was upset about both birthdays given how generous I am to him.
I don't want to do christmas but he has insisted .

All I can say is tell him what you want for your birthday and how much it means.

@Nippyintheair

Is it deliberate? How can anyone just jerk doing that when its been expressed to them so many times, I don’t get it. The older Dd gets, she’ll start to ask why I haven’t got presents surely? Or will she be the one having to organise it all, it’s embarrassing, I feel embarrassed

Yes!

It's also setting your daughter up to expect men not to treat her well!

Just remembered; my grandfather, never, ever, bought my lovely nan any birthday /Christmas gifts... My mum, about 7 would buy and wrap gifts from him to his WIFE, as my poor mum felt awful that her lovely mum was disappointed on these special days. My nan was very easy to buy for and always loved everything!

My OHs family is similar... All boys and the assumption is/was, their mum didn't 'want' /like presents. It was a big birthday recently... We went and found a bagful of gifts and wrapped them - she was SO excited, like a child at Christmas - was lovely to see.

My partner now admits he was wrong and it is quite nice to buy and receive gifts (he's always has for me... But I think this was largely what he saw from my family and friends.)

Action's speak louder than words, do not buy him anything for his next birthday, he needs to feel the disappointment of not being a priority or worthy of any effort.
Please do this. 🙏

My parents usually get me flowers/wine/chocolates and a nice present this year I got a beautiful painting I'd seen in a local gallery when out for lunch with my mum, she went back after and bought it (not hugely expensive but I was delighted). They also always offer to babysit overnight so DH and I can go out.
DH and I used to do more elaborate presents before DS often surprising each other with city breaks/smart watches/jewellery etc, but as we've become older we have fewer things we want and less flexibility to just jump on a plane. We always go out for dinner and drinks somewhere, usually book a nicer hotel than usual, pre Covid there would be theatre/gig tickets etc. We do usually plan together for this, mainly because I'm picky, DH loves a surprise (packed his case for him once told him we were going out and just drove to the airport, which he loved but I don't like the not knowing). We also do presents from each other (usually no more than £100 these days, sometimes less) could just be a new pair of boots, or something relating to a hobby, perfume etc and something smaller separately from DS that we involve him in choosing. I'm not fussed about cake and balloons though.

If DH just ignored my birthday I'd be upset.

My DH is amazingly shit at planning in general, so it's no surprise he has zero ideas when it comes to my birthday. He always ask what I would like but sometimes it would be nice if he could just think of something himself. I appreciate I can be an absolute pain to buy for (tend to just buy what I want whenever) but it would be nice if he could just say "we are going X for lunch, it's been booked etc".

This year I tried to be hands off and let him book something but I just jumped in as I saw there was something I wanted to do (Longleat at Christmas and Santa Train for our DD) and I knew it was one of those things you needed to book early so I just did it. I knew even if I said "book this" he would delay and then it would be sold out.

I've come to the conclusion that he is just a shit forward planner and spontaneity doesn't work when things get booked up. If I want to do something, I book it and we go.

We decided a few years ago anyway that we weren't doing specific presents and instead just go away around our respective birthdays. The bonus of me booking them is basically I get to choose both destinations so "his birthday" also gets to be something I would mainly enjoy.

He picks up a lot of work around the house so I can't complain too much.

I get a present usually from DH. He didn't get me anything for my 40th though (using lockdown as an excuse). Cake is usually from my mum and I don't think DH would bother. We usually have a takeaway for tea but certainly don't go all out.
I used to put a lot of effort in to his birthday but I don't now as he doesn't return the favour.

My family usually forget my birthday and on the rare occasion they remember I might get a phone call a few days late. DHs family just send a message to him on WhatsApp for his birthday and the kids' birthdays. DH puts minimal effort in and will sometimes pick up some flowers from the train station on the way home from work despite me telling him for years that I don't like cut flowers. It's my birthday next week and I am dreading it as it always reminds me how little I mean to everyone.