Do you get a birthday present?

[Nippyintheair]

Off your Dh/Dp & parents?

I rarely get from either, just wondering if this is normal..

Birthday a couple of days ago, card from parents with them writing inside that they owe me a present, usually give my money when they see me (I live abroad)

Dp got me a card and cake. Doesn’t organise or ask if i want us (and toddler) to go out or what I want for dinner. It’s more or less another, normal day.
For him, I plan what to buy a month or so before, cards, usually bake a cake with toddler Dd, or order a specially made one, never the same old one I receive from the supermarket. I put balloons up and usually cook something nice if it’s during the week or plan a nice lunch or at least a takeaway etc.

He knows how much it bothers/upsets me, some years he has a present, others not. I’ve spoken to him about making more effort now we have Dd and maybe including her in things..it never changes.
It’s not about what the present is, I can buy myself something if I like, it’s 100% the thought and effort.

As it was, I planned and went out for lunch with Dd and have planned to meet friends at the weekend. Always so embarrassing when they ask what he planned/what I got too.

Is this normal?

@2Hot2Handle I really have, I say it every time and he sees the disappointment

I grew up seeing my dad spoil my mum and think about what she wanted and either took her out or arranged something nice. He usually made a special breakfast with us for birthdays or Mother’s Day and picked a flower from the garden to put in water on the tray. Just little things, but I loved seeing the effort he made. I’m very into making an effort for birthdays and Christmas etc, he really doesn’t give a crap!

Friends we just do big birthdays. Im January. We go meal. My mother has 8 grandkids so its constant. No buying for adults. My month not great everyone broke

Hi OP, DH buys me a present - nothing too expensive and from a list of suitable items I supply, otherwise he's clueless.

What has hurt me a lot though is that I didn't get a mother's day card last year - I don't expect / want a gift because for many years I was unable to be a mother and it hurt a lot seeing mother's day stuff plastered everywhere. However, he didn't even get DS to make me a card or draw me a picture - nothing. He didn't even remember to wish me happy mother's day. I think DH relied on school or nursery to produce something in previous years. I haven't said anything but I was so hurt. I never forget to do something for fathers day

How long have you been with this loser? He doesn’t sound very kind or thoughtful

@Shoxfordian Too long I think.

@ADreadedSunnyDay So sorry, totally understand, Mother’s Day is a big one for me too as it took ages to have dd and I never thought it would happen. I can’t remember Mother’s Day, which suggests it was likely quite uneventful too, probably just a card

No it’s not normal. I get presents, canards and special food. It’s not nice if your partner can’t make an effort. I’d be really upset

YANBU. I would be really hurt by this. I don’t expect lavish presents but like you, some thought.

Fortunately, my DH does make an effort so I really feel for you.

My parents don’t send me cards but my DH’s side does but that’s because they’re a card family and my side is a text/phone call family. I tell my husband what we’re doing or what I want since it usually means a trip somewhere whether it’s me with him and our sons or me going away for a few days doing something that isn’t particularly young child friendly like hiking. He isn’t fussed about his birthday and I always ask weeks before it and he always says a takeaway and/or something on his Amazon wishlist.

Also, there was no separate card off Dd, she’s only 3 so he obviously needs to do with her. He could’ve helped her make a card or a picture for me from her, I do this, shouldn’t you?! We used to go with my dad to get a present for my mum from us too.
He thinks it’s amazing to bring in the shop bought cake and sing happy birthday and that’s it.
What pisses me off too is that he’ll write a soppy and embarrassing post on Fb, which I’m really not into at all

I think so too

He hears what you say about it mattering and he chooses to disappoint you every time.

I always get a generous gift on my birthday from DH and often he asks what I want. He always buys me flowers and takes me put for meal. We get cake with supermarket shop. My 3 DC and foster son all buy me a gift too. I will get about 15 cards. Sadly both parents dead now.

@Shoxfordian Yep.

I get absolutely zero recognition of my birthday from DH because that is what I want. I make him a cake and get him a couple of presents and a card, and arrange for same from our young DC because that is what he wants. Same with my parents, they don't acknowledge mine. I get my dad a card only and my mum a card and a present because that is what they both like.

Both of us like to do for the other what the other wants. It's really poor on his part not to make any effort.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation OP. No, it’s not remotely normal. I can’t imagine what’s wrong with him.

I don’t think I could cope with a man like this, tbh. As you say, it really doesn’t take much. There is so much crap in life, it’s so easy to at least try and celebrate when you can.

I don’t think he will change though, while you are essentially putting up with it. Even if you walked out today though, you shouldn’t have to get that dramatic to get a gift from the father of your child on your birthday. Christ on a bike! What is the actual point of some men and what do they actually bring to this world? Nothing, that’s what. Waste of space.

What would he do if you just took yourself and your toddler to a hotel - indefinitely?

OP that sounds really unpleasant for you, especially when you've made it clear that you're upset /disappointed.

I guess it's part of a wider context over what you're prepared to do, going into the future.

Personally I could not tolerate being around someone who cared so little for my disappointment

Is it deliberate? How can anyone just jerk doing that when its been expressed to them so many times, I don’t get it. The older Dd gets, she’ll start to ask why I haven’t got presents surely? Or will she be the one having to organise it all, it’s embarrassing, I feel embarrassed

*Keep doing that

He actually bought me something last year, something I’d mentioned a couple of years before and wasn’t that bothered about by that point tbh. I made a big fuss of how much I liked it and he was excited to give it me, he was happy doing that and putting the effort (not much, true, but more than normal) in
I noticed the day before my birthday, he came home saying he didn’t feel well so could tell how it was going to go. Almost as though he was setting the scene for it. The weekend before he went with Dd shopping, she came back saying it was a surprise for my birthday and she couldn’t say. It was just the card and candies they’d gone to get, just that, in a shopping centre with money in his pocket

*Candles

No, it’s not normal, I’m sorry.

But you say you’re abroad- is DH from a different culture? Birthday’s may be less of a big deal (as may demonstrative affection?!) in his culture if so?

Even if it’s not a cultural norm for him, you’ve said before that it upsets you, so he should do more for you. A present and a card isn’t much to ask.

My DH always gets me gifts and makes sure I’ve got a cake and asks me what I’d like to do for my birthday. I always get a gift off my parents.

In your shoes I’d tell your DH how much it upsets you again, and if he doesn’t change his ways then stop making any effort for his birthday.

Not gifts from my ILs but usually a card. My parents always do gifts as do my siblings. Dh always does and the kids choose something for me and make cards. We do a bit of fuss for birthdays here though. You get your favourite tea, there's a cake, a day out or something like that

Don’t feel embarrassed, please. This is all on him. There is nothing wrong with wanting to feel loved and considered on your birthday, especially when you make an effort for his.

At best, your DH is thoughtless, ungenerous and a bit thick, at worst, he’s stingy, unkind and uncaring. How is it possible that he accepts your thoughtful generosity and feels no desire or need to reciprocate?

You deserve better.