Do you get a birthday present?

[Nippyintheair]

Off your Dh/Dp & parents?

I rarely get from either, just wondering if this is normal..

Birthday a couple of days ago, card from parents with them writing inside that they owe me a present, usually give my money when they see me (I live abroad)

Dp got me a card and cake. Doesn’t organise or ask if i want us (and toddler) to go out or what I want for dinner. It’s more or less another, normal day.
For him, I plan what to buy a month or so before, cards, usually bake a cake with toddler Dd, or order a specially made one, never the same old one I receive from the supermarket. I put balloons up and usually cook something nice if it’s during the week or plan a nice lunch or at least a takeaway etc.

He knows how much it bothers/upsets me, some years he has a present, others not. I’ve spoken to him about making more effort now we have Dd and maybe including her in things..it never changes.
It’s not about what the present is, I can buy myself something if I like, it’s 100% the thought and effort.

As it was, I planned and went out for lunch with Dd and have planned to meet friends at the weekend. Always so embarrassing when they ask what he planned/what I got too.

Is this normal?

The more I read your updates the more I think it’s verging on emotional abuse and coercive control: he’s hearing you say you’re upset, then not changing his ways - it’s as though he wants you to feel unlooked after.

Hardly fulfilling the “to love and to cherish” vow is it?

I’d start thinking about whether this is a man you want to spend the rest of your life with.

I think I would plan something for you and your daughter (perhaps a friend too?) and go and celebrate. If your husband is this thoughtless and unkind you have to make the day yours and spend it the way you want.

He’s British, not a different culture. His family rarely made/make an effort so I get that, but we’ve been together so long and has seen a different (better) way of doing things. He sees it all around us with friends and their partners etc

@VestaTilley Do you really think so?

My dad sends money in a card. My bf usually gets me a card and chocs. Apart from my 40th when she got me bugger all despite making a big song n dance about hers.
My kids usually either get or make me a card and chocs.
Exdh used to get me something but only if I constantly reminded him the week before.

@loveablequalities You’re right, I did that, I even came back and said ‘Well, nothing was planned, was it?’ He always looks so surprised! He literally thinks it’s ok for me to just make a normal dinner as I do every night, on my birthday. In the past I always said we were having a takeaway or doing this or that, pre Dd I used to book weekends away myself, organise it all, why should I

Hi Op, My DH and his family are like this and it is hurtful. And it's also embarrassing when people ask. He ballsed up my first mother's day and nearly 10 years on it still stings.

I now decide what I want to do for my birthday and generally book it. This way I know I will have a nice day.
As your little one gets older, I have found I treasure the cards they make etc over the present.

I make an effort for birthdays and this year for his I didn't bother.

It's not nice and in my circumstances I think we are at the beginning of the end but there are many reasons wrapped up in this.

Big hugs and happy birthday xx

I get gifts from DH and the kids. My DPs give me cash and chocolates/ wine. MIL usually sends cash.

My DH knows I think birthdays are special so makes an effort, he isn't really bothered and would rather I didn't spend too much on him but he always gets something and we have a family day out.

Does he make a fuss of his families birthdays?

Is he selfish or thoughtless in other respects?

@Dancingqueen90 So sorry to hear that, it really doesn’t take much, does it?!
His side of the family don’t bother at all, don’t even send a card for DD’s birthday, it just all seems so miserable

@sunshineandshowers40 No, none of them make a fuss, more like a big post on Fb all to each other 🙄 I don’t do that and do things in person. My parents aren’t on Fb and wouldn’t dream of doing that sort of thing

@LitCrit Yes, he can be. It’s honestly like he either just doesn’t get it or cba

My DH's family never did birthdays or Christmas. My teenagers children have never been given anything from that set of grandparents. DH managed to book himself away on a 2 day conference over his 50th without noticing. He has recently confessed he will also be away for our 20th anniversary. I normally get a birthday card and small gift but he normally asks what to buy me as he finds it all a bit excruciating. Fortunately for him I am not too bothered but we would definitely go out for a meal on the night or weekend closest.

OP, you really need to give him a dose of his own medicine.
For his next birthday, hand him a shop bought cake and a card, and ask him what he plans to cook for his birthday dinner.
If he dares to complain, ask him how the fuck he thinks you felt, getting treated like that by him.
There is zero incentive for him to up his game, unless you stop being a mug.

I think your right to be upset with DP about this.

[quote Nippyintheair]@LitCrit Yes, he can be. It’s honestly like he either just doesn’t get it or cba[/quote]
Then that's your real problem and the birthday is a red herring, I reckon. I don't think men like this change unfortunately, and although lots of women stay because they don't want that to be true, they end up wasting years of their lives.

Your issue is your partner but is this something you would leave him over? Being inconsiderate, lazy even? For me birthdays too are more special than other events and my dh knows that as I've made it quite clear. I am almost child like in my excitement for my birthday and whilst not massively fussed about my present I always want to go for dinner out or a weekend away. This year we couldn't go away as I had a baby 3 weeks before my birthday but dh cooked, ordered cake and made a special card from the kids. I didn't need to lift a finger which was very much appreciated. We all got dressed up and had a fun day at home.

My dh doesn't much care for his birthday but I still do things to make it special to show effort and care. He always shows his appreciation.

@Babdoc That’s my problem, he’s not too fussed so a card and a cake would be fine for him. The only way to have real impact would be to do nothing at all, don’t know if I can actually do that and with Dd witnessing that too now

By the way, nothing wrong with shop bought cakes, in the U.K. there are lots of lovely ones, just not really where we are. It’s inevitable that I nearly always receive the same small, flat chocolate cake with sprinkles on

@Sceptre86 Yes I’m the same and about others birthdays too, I love to make special touches for DD’s birthday and for him, or at least, I did. This just ruins all my enthusiasm and joy for life, which sounds dramatic, but it’s true

The worst thing was that even my Dd, 3, asked where my presents were and asked when I’m going to open my presents. What could I say? Dp said ‘Well she hasn’t got any yet’ implying I’d get some or something..but of course, I didn’t

Dp asked what was wrong with me and if I was ok, he knew full well, but still he continues. One card from the card shop from both of them and the fuss he made over her being the one to choose it. I honestly think he thought that was a good enough effort. As I said, not concerned about cost etc, but all in all was probably about £7 spent

Dd will notice more as the years go on, how does that look?

My family is a birthday family - bit of a fuss, pressie and cake.

DHs family less so - phone call and card.

DH expects no fuss but gets a small one (coffee in bed, taken out for lunch and a small sock based present).

DH then makes sure I get the same type of fuss as well because he knows I value it. He probably still couldn't tell you the date of my birthday despite having been together for 20 years mind.

They're not very thoughtful I'd be upset in your shoes.
It depends on our finances from DP, we're good with that.
Always from siblings and parents when parents they were here, I buy for them all too.

We don't usually do birthday presents, we take each other out for a fancy restaurant meal. Established very early on that this is what we both prefer to give and prefer to receive. Over the years this isn't even tied to the birthday date any more, my dinner was two months after my birthday this year (I was snowed under with work in my birthday week and on the only free day a friend organised a leaving party) and I'm three months overdue with DP's (a lot of life stuff has been happening and he said he'd prefer a raincheck when it's all sorted).

We give each other smaller presents for Xmas, sometimes just cheap in-jokey things. Rarely anything huge - both DP and I are the sort who like to make our own decisions about, or at least have input into, substantial/expensive things.

That's just being compatible though. I think I'd find it very hard work to go out with someone who expected a big song and dance made about them, or who used phrases like "ruins all my enthusiasm and joy for life" about a birthday.