DH calls 2YO DD «silly» when she’s upset

[NewMum0305]

Keen to get thoughts on this as my husband and I cannot agree on it.

My daughter (2 years, 8 months) is going through quite a long phase of wanting me, and not her dad, if she’s upset, or poorly and often when she wakes up first thing in the morning.

This means my husband (who is very hands on, 50/50 split on bedtimes/nights, took shared parental leave etc) is often greeted with “No, I want Mummy!” with my daughter getting more and more upset if she doesn’t get me.

Often in these moments, he will tell her she’s being “silly” (always calmly, never angry or aggressive). I have said that I don’t think that helps the situation as while by adult standards, she is overreacting, she is a toddler and still learning about her emotions, and I don’t think it’s particularly helpful in those moments to call her silly, nor do I think it helps with the fact that she tends to want me when she’s upset. I think a more empathic approach would get a better response.

He says that calling her “silly” has no bearing on her wanting me when she’s upset and my suggestion that he stop is micro-managing.

For context, my DD was an early talker and v articulate and in her non-upset moments, can talk very calmly about her feelings “eg I was upset because Daddy came in but I wanted Mummy”, which I think contributes to my husband feeling like her crying and becoming almost non-verbal in those upset moments is her being silly, vs my view that it’s just her being a toddler, that really wanting your mum at a particular moment is a valid toddler emotion and that crying and screaming about it is just a typical toddler reaction to that emotion and isn’t silly at all.

AIBU?

YABU - there’s no issue with your DH calling your DD silly when she’s upset

YANBU - your DH shouldn’t call your DD silly when she’s upset

YANBU - it's invalidating her emotions, so the only thing she'll learn is that her feelings don't matter.

It's terrible that adults do this to each other, but for a child it's setting them up for low self esteem for life, and that their views and feelings aren't important.

Ideally yes, he should be more empathetic but you telling him what to say to her is micro-managing.

You could suggest that he says something like "I understand you're upset because you want mummy but daddy is doing xyz today" but ultimately if he doesn't want to it's up to him. It's his relationship with his daughter.

You're definitely micromanaging. Would you want him to tell you what words to use? Let them have their relationship

I think this is one of those hugely underestimated issues. Calling a child's distress "silly" is terribly damaging. And sad!

What is your husband's argument for using the word??

It's silly to eg flick mud at someone who is dressed smartly - it's not silly to be upset about wanting your mummy when you are two years old.

I would work with him to find other ways to deal with your daughter's (no doubt temporary) distress at these times.

Either you need to do more than 50% of the parenting or let him continue to do it in his own way.

Jesus Christ. We always say "don't be silly" to our very articulate 2 and a half year old.

A lot of the time she'll stop crying and start laughing and say "I'm being silly".

Kids put their upset on a lot of the time. If you challenge them and they stop, they're pushing boundaries.
If they don't stop, they're being genuine and you can't handle that differently.

I mean, it's not the best thing for him to say to the child, but it's not the worst either. It's something I've been thinking about a lot lately , the drive to be perfect and say perfect things and always be available for children in the right way as a parent and ultimately, I think getting it perfect all the time (even if you could) can't be good because children do have to learn to cope with situations that aren't ideal and people who do say things that aren't quite right.

So I would inwardly roll my eyes but unless she appears to be feeling badly about it, I think I'd let it go.

If you asked him, he maybe needs to bite his tongue at times when you do something too. We all bring our own perspectives.

Yes, judging another person's emotions as "silly" is not good at all. I'd be really unhappy about it.

You've posted about this before though haven't you? It sounds really familiar.

I think it will all depend on the context- if said kindly I don’t see much of an issue. If people wrote down everything I said to my kids I’m sure that there would be plenty of scope to pick holes in it. How is your DD afterwards? If he manages to calm her down and they have a nice time then that’s at least part of your answer.

YABU - he's teaching your DD communication and emotional management while you're babying her and encouraging her to favour you over him rather than supporting him as a parent.

Toddlers don't have a lot of understanding of the world and react out of proportion with theirs problems, that's part of being a toddler, but part of being a parent is teaching them to react appropriately including informing them that crying and screaming for mummy about everyday things is an inappropriate 'silly' reaction and to use their words and accept help from daddy.

My 3 year old son is going through this exactly. I agree it’s not good to call her silly as it invalidates her feelings. Which are very big and real to her even if to adults it’s an overreaction. I believe all feelings are valid for everyone.

I do also think however it’s a power play by toddlers as they are working out what boundaries hold and which don’t. So it’s important not to give in for an easy life as it gives them too much power which they find unsettling and restricts the relationship with their father.

I explain to my DS that we take it in turns for bed time/Bath time etc and it’s daddy’s turn tonight. My husband just acts all breezy and starts reading and he settles and is happy to have stories with his Dad. I think it’s important to step back and let them get on with it though I find it hard.

Don’t get me wrong there is a lot of shouting and tears by the duration is getting less the more consistent we are.

I sympathise as my DH also calls my kids silly sometimes. I’ve just talked to him about why I don’t agree with it, ultimately it’s up to him to parent his way. I’ve micro managed before and he finds it upsetting as I would if the situation was reversed. I’m working on myself to let go more.

Get him to read How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. It's really good for situations like this. I learnt that what a kid needs in that situation is to feel heard, and once they feel heard they are much more likely to be able to cope with the situation. So, he might reflect back to her what she's feeling - 'You really want mummy instead of me, don't you? It's one of those times when you just really want mummy'. And then, almost always, after getting their feelings off their chest, the kid will calm down.

If you point him to the book, or tell him to go borrow/buy it, he'll see for himself how to change the dynamic, then you may feel less like you have to micromanage the interactions between them.

YANBU, he is invalidating her emotions, and she is learning that how she feels doesn’t matter.

Following thread for suggestions, because whenever my 9 month old cries my MIL tell him “no tears!” and I need to learn how to approach it.

I don’t think I have posted before, unless I have and genuinely have forgotten?! It has been a long running issue so it’s quite possible..!

I think you're being silly to focus on a particular word personally! My DH does this too "come on now don't be silly" in a sort of soothing way and it actually calms my daughter down so I vote YABU. You shouldn't really be telling him what words he can and can't use really, would you like it if he questioned you in that way? (Swearing aside obviously!)

Interesting mix of replies!

For context, I should add: in those moments, I don’t get involved or step foot in the room unless he specifically asks me to. This is something we jointly agreed (his suggestion).

To the PP who asked if she calms down after he chats to her, she absolutely does not - more and more recently he’s had to call me in to calm her down as she gets in such a state, though that it something we’ve always said we need to avoid. That for me is part of the issue - it’s not as if I have a choice to just let him get on with it whether or not I agree. I’m getting dragged into the situation, sometimes in the middle of the night.

To the PP who said I am babying my daughter, I didn’t say anything about how I deal with her tantrums so I’ve no idea where you got that from? I also totally accept that for some people, calling an upset two year old silly is really not a big deal, but to describe it as “teaching communication and emotional management” feels a bit of a leap to me.

@CastMeAdrift Your reply was really useful. I’ve said what I think to my husband and will leave it there and not push the point any more.

It’s clear from these responses that there are wildly differing views on this in any case..!

@girlmom21

Jesus Christ. We always say "don't be silly" to our very articulate 2 and a half year old.

A lot of the time she'll stop crying and start laughing and say "I'm being silly".

Kids put their upset on a lot of the time. If you challenge them and they stop, they're pushing boundaries.
If they don't stop, they're being genuine and you can't handle that differently.

this is the best response I've seen on the thread. Parenting is much easier when you stop taking yourself so seriously and forget the pseudo-psycho nonsense

I think YABU and you are loading too much meaning on the word "silly", which to me is a harmless word that can lighten the mood. You are micro-managing by controlling his language. The two of you are different people and your child will learn from both of you. Let him get on with parenting equally.

Yanbu
The child wants you because she knows you understand her and her feelings. Even though your husband is hands on that doesn’t mean he understands her feelings. My DH is very hands on and a very good Dad, but no clue how to handle certain situations. Our DD still prefers me after 10 years.
Perhaps you can say to your DH that it’s upsets you that he uses the word silly and can you two come up with a different word for when your DD is upset and perhaps over reacting in your eyes. Good luck

Hmm. I can understand what you mean. I have memories of being told to 'stop being silly' by a certain family member when I was upset or scared of doing something and it made me feel quite embarrassed and ashamed about some things. It's actually one of the things I vowed not to do with my own DC as the memory of it is so strong. We do use 'silly' but never to minimise emotions, so just in the context of 'silly faces'. So I wouldn't like it either.

Hmmm an interesting one. I will hold my hands up and say that when my son was around that age and didn’t want to do something that he really needed to (teeth, get out the door etc) I would say, soothingly (I hope), ‘don’t be a silly sausage’ etc which seemed to cheer him up. But I’d hate to think I’d dismiss genuine distress with the word. On saying that I do recall my parents saying it to me and I didn’t feel particularly not listened to etc. Just gave the issue (whatever it was) a bit of perspective… I’m on the fence!

I can understand your point but think YABU to micromanage him in this way.

I also think there is an element of overthinking going on, even if it isn't the textbook, perfect response.

Well I suppose he could try 'i am as capable of meeting your needs as you mother, and due to our practise of 50/50 childcare, you are as familiar and comfortable with me as you are with her. You are behaving in a way typical of your age and testing the extent of your power over us by making demands without good reason. If we give in to this, you will learn that you are in charge, which will make you anxious and insecure, so we intend to hold firm and I will be tending to you as planned.'
But tbh 'don't be silly' is a bit more age appropriate.

@Sellingstress It’s not the ‘diffuse with good humour’ use of silly, it’s the exasperated (though calm) use of it