DH calls 2YO DD «silly» when she’s upset

[NewMum0305]

Keen to get thoughts on this as my husband and I cannot agree on it.

My daughter (2 years, 8 months) is going through quite a long phase of wanting me, and not her dad, if she’s upset, or poorly and often when she wakes up first thing in the morning.

This means my husband (who is very hands on, 50/50 split on bedtimes/nights, took shared parental leave etc) is often greeted with “No, I want Mummy!” with my daughter getting more and more upset if she doesn’t get me.

Often in these moments, he will tell her she’s being “silly” (always calmly, never angry or aggressive). I have said that I don’t think that helps the situation as while by adult standards, she is overreacting, she is a toddler and still learning about her emotions, and I don’t think it’s particularly helpful in those moments to call her silly, nor do I think it helps with the fact that she tends to want me when she’s upset. I think a more empathic approach would get a better response.

He says that calling her “silly” has no bearing on her wanting me when she’s upset and my suggestion that he stop is micro-managing.

For context, my DD was an early talker and v articulate and in her non-upset moments, can talk very calmly about her feelings “eg I was upset because Daddy came in but I wanted Mummy”, which I think contributes to my husband feeling like her crying and becoming almost non-verbal in those upset moments is her being silly, vs my view that it’s just her being a toddler, that really wanting your mum at a particular moment is a valid toddler emotion and that crying and screaming about it is just a typical toddler reaction to that emotion and isn’t silly at all.

AIBU?

YABU - there’s no issue with your DH calling your DD silly when she’s upset

YANBU - your DH shouldn’t call your DD silly when she’s upset

I’m with you. Potentially damaging.

And what he is hoping will happen when he says it? ‘Oh yes daddy you’re right, I thought I was being reasonable and having a proportionate reaction but actually now I see that’s not the case I’ll calm right down straight away’. Probably not going to happen.

There's a good bit about this in one of Janet Lansbury's books:

'Accepting children’s feelings without judging or rushing them: Letting our kids express intense feelings is one of our biggest challenges, because most of us weren’t encouraged to do this by our own parents. We might have been told that our outbursts were silly or wrong, urged to hurry up and feel better. Sometimes we were sent away (time-out) or punished.

Our feelings made everyone uncomfortable, and we got the message they weren’t welcome. So when our own kids cry, yell or hit-the-floor in a tantrum, emotions that we buried can get triggered, and we unintentionally pass this invalidation on down to our kids.

(And, by the way, that’s my only explanation for the popularity of comedy sites focusing on crying toddlers. Like abuse victims who are compelled to become abusers themselves, the fans of these sites seem to feel giddily empowered ridiculing the vulnerabilities of small children.)

The way most of us diminish feelings is far more subtle and loving. We don’t ever want to see our kids hurt or upset, so we try to calm them down by reassuring them, “It’s okay,” “You’re fine,” or “It’s just a…” But these responses also invalidate, because when children are upset they don’t feel fine, and our words can’t change that.

Our ‘comforting’ responses are confusing, diminishing, teach children not to trust their feelings and maybe even to fear them.

One thing in life is certain: Our kids are going to get their feelings hurt. A lot. They’ll get rejected by friends, not make the A-team, lose the debate, do poorly on a test and get their hearts broken. Such is life. And it will take every bit of our strength to zip our lips, bite our tongues, just listen, nod, and acknowledge, “That was hurtful.” Of course, what we really want to do is shout, “They didn’t deserve you!” “You’ll do better next time!”

The healthiest message children can get from us is that their darkest moods and harshest feelings will be heard, accepted and understood by us, even when these feelings are about us. Fostering a close lifelong bond with our kids is as simple as that.'

Yeah I don't think it's ideal. She's not doing it to be silly, she just wants mum- if he replaced silly with stupid would people be ok with that? They basically mean the same thing to a child if he's not using it in a good humoured way.

He really needs to not take her behaviour personally at all, completely ignore the upset and just jolly her along saying 'Sorry but daddy will have to do today because mummy is doing x, y or z,' and then distract her if possible or just keep chatting light heartedly to her if she continues with the upset.

@Starcaller That is so useful and interesting. One thing my husband and I have discussed (separate to this issue) is his upbringing and that fact that his parents (who are lovely) weren’t very overtly affectionate, and didn’t really talk about feelings whereas my family and particularly my mum were always very affectionate and would talk about feelings.

He has always made a particular effort to be an affectionate dad - lots of hugs etc - due to not having that himself as a child but I hadn’t reflected that our different upbringings are likely to be impacting how we deal with our daughter when she’s upset.

Silly probably isn't the best word to use but it's not the worst either. I think it would be best to calmly say Daddy is here and I am going to do whatever you need and for you to keep out of it in the moment. She doesnt want her emotions invalidated but she also doesnt want to learn that being emotional gets her what she wants. It's a tough job this parenting lark.

We say “don’t be silly” or “what are you being silly for” etc to our 3 year old. It’s just a turn of phrase surely…

@NewMum0305 Yes, I have to be really conscious of some things because of that. The 'being silly' thing is probably not something that family member ever even thought twice about, but it's one of my most enduring childhood memories from times when I was upset or afraid to do something, and even now I find myself feeling weirdly ashamed of stuff I did 30 years ago, even though logically I know that I was a child and being scared of a bouncy castle for example wasn't 'silly', it was just a kid being afraid of something.

It's just an unnecessary word to use with an upset child IMO. And I don't think it works - being told I was being silly didn't make me more inclined to do anything, I just felt embarrassed and even more upset - and I think the potential for harm makes it an easy candidate to ditch.

The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read is quite good for prompting you to look at your childhood and avoid repeating the same mistakes. There a few things I've realised are triggers for me behaviour wise that I can trace back to how I was treated as a child in certain scenarios, and I have to make a special effort not to follow the same track with how I deal with them in my own DD.

I think its normal to say don't be silly. Its their behaviour thats silly not them. However its concerning that her behaviour is getting worse and you are stepping in more and more so basically enabling this behaviour. They both need to learn to deal with each other, its not like he only parents once a month. What would happen if you actually left the house during one of these episodes so your daughter and husband would have to deal with each other? You could prearrangecwith husband that you would just go and sit in the car and he could text you when you can come back in? Its time to step back...you could end up in hospital for weeks and then what?

Parenting your child to adulthood is going to be very exhausting if every phrase used is examined so minutely.

@Pixiedust1234 She’s fine if I’m not in the house. It’s if she knows I’m around that it gets bad.

They generally get on really well and very much have their own relationship and dynamic. There are just these moments where she gets inconsolable, and he chooses to ask me to help.

I agree that it’s not sustainable though for me to always have to step in, which is precisely why I have been trying to understand what we can do to improve things, and I do think his reaction to her being upset is a contributor to her reaction, so it’s a catch 22.

To be clear, if my husband asks me for my help, I will call her down and then clearly tell her that she has two parents and that we both love her and look after her, and it’s Daddy’s turn to look after her, and she needs to go with Daddy to eg get dressed, brush teeth etc, and then I leave them to it.

I will calm* her down

I should clarify that it’s not all the time when I’m in the house - just key times e.g. if she’s ill or first thing in the morning.

But they spend loads of time just the two of them - they have gone away to see his family without me when I’ve not be able to make it, and I have been away overnight numerous times eg hen dos and have no hesitation in doing so.

I think he could phrase it better. Mum is presumably the primary carer and DD has a good bond. This is not a bad thing..
It won't last forever. My DD was pretty similar and she grew out of it. She loves her Dad.
Personally I would accept that she's a bit upset and would prefer Mum, that might sting a bit, but she should be allowed to express that without being belittled. The adult in the situation can then reframe it - acknowledge she's upset, reassure her that Mummy will be back soon and in the meantime she can have a nice time with Daddy, who loves her, etc. Then distract/hug/move on.

I think if he's speaking calmly and non aggressively, then I can't see the problem with saying don't be silly.
It is to a certain extent silly because he can look after her perfectly well .

I do not really like it either OP.

There is a world of difference between saying a child is silly when they are upset. Or waiting to speak to the later when they are calm. To clarify why they want mummy not daddy.

Kids need positive role models, not emotional abuse when they voice their opinions. Do a role play whereby, kids become you, and you become them. You will be shocked how you sound to your kids.

Speak to the kid later

re: babying, since you asked, a baby cries and screams about their problems because they have no other way of communicating, you say that your DD is capable of being verbal and articulate, therefore treating crying and screaming as acceptable forms of expression is treating her like a baby.

and the fact you say she doesn't act like this when you aren't around strongly suggests that it isn't that she is geniunely overwhelmed by her emotions to the point of acting like this but that she has learned from you that crying and screaming is the way to get what she wants, since you reward it by taking over from your DH.

To be clear, I don’t think my husband using the word “silly” when my daughter is upset is emotional abuse.

I just think it doesn’t help the situation and I think it helps reinforces my DDs desire to come to me when she’s upset.

To be clear (again!) though, while I do take a more empathetic approach when trying to calm down “I understand you want etc etc” I’m also firm e.g. if we have said that my husband is getting her up and taking her to nursery, he is getting her up and taking her to nursery. I also use distraction more whereas I think my husband wants to make her be reasonable which when she is calm, she is perfectly capable of doing but when she’s mid-meltdown is just a non-starter.

@nosyupnorth You’ve massively misunderstood my posts. Of course my daughter has tantrums when I’m not around, she just doesn’t have them about seeing me when she knows there’s no possibility of doing so. She has far more tantrums around my husband than me.

I always encourage my daughter to use her words to say what’s wrong, but I recognise that if she’s mid-meltdown, getting her to calm down first (often just with a hug) is the best way to do that. Once she is calm, she is normally then able to express her feelings very clearly - including say if she’s “worried” or “frustrated”. I’ve made the effort to ensure she has the vocab to do so.

I have always been clear to her that shouting at her dad is not how she should communicate, so again, I’m not sure where your assumption came from.

I agree it's not great to call her silly. He's telling her basically to hide her feelings because there's something wrong with them. If she learns it's not ok/safe to show her feelings, when she's older it will be even harder to find out from her how she's (really) feeling about things. I am against shaming/putting kids down for having (very natural) feelings. A much better response imo would be "I can hear that you're sad, you really want mummy, but daddy is here now, mummy is busy". No shame, acknowledges the feelings without giving in to them. Much more respectful.

All this 'invalidating emotions'🙄 Did you ever wonder what happens when you validate (irrational) emotions constantly?

Her emotions are not irrational, she's a child. Very few 2 year olds have mastered the ability of controlling their emotions to the point that they only show them at extreme and rational situations.

She's allowed to cry and have tantrums, her dad just needs to understand why she's upset, and how he can make her feel better about the situation. Invalidating her and calling her silly will just tell her she needs to shut up and get on with it, which is something a 2 year old should never have to do.

Please do enlighten us @Peanutmnm..?

I think there's this weird idea that if you validate a child's feelings, you aren't in charge any more, and that not calling your child 'silly' makes you a softie with no boundaries. That's not the case in my experience - we all have to do things we don't like in this world, but we can still feel how we feel about it, and reducing a child's behaviour as 'silly' simply bc it causes hurt or disruption to an adult is not setting them up too well. Saying "I know you want Mummy but I'm here right now and we can figure it out" or "yeah, you hate brushing your teeth but this isn't optional, will you do it before or after putting your pyjamas on?" actually does still maintain a boundary. It just also acknowledges a child's feelings. And it might be more effort to say that than just tell your kid their feelings are silly, but... that's why it's better parenting.

I think very few of us would call an adult who was angry or upset 'silly', and it probably wouldn't end well. Your daughter's feelings are her feelings, and while your husband may well be speaking out of habit (I know I was called silly as a child and it didn't kill me), his choice of words does actually communicate something whether he means it to or not. So I don't think you're being U at all, but you will have to approach very very gently and let him figure this out himself, because plenty of well-meaning people say it.