DH calls 2YO DD «silly» when she’s upset

[NewMum0305]

Keen to get thoughts on this as my husband and I cannot agree on it.

My daughter (2 years, 8 months) is going through quite a long phase of wanting me, and not her dad, if she’s upset, or poorly and often when she wakes up first thing in the morning.

This means my husband (who is very hands on, 50/50 split on bedtimes/nights, took shared parental leave etc) is often greeted with “No, I want Mummy!” with my daughter getting more and more upset if she doesn’t get me.

Often in these moments, he will tell her she’s being “silly” (always calmly, never angry or aggressive). I have said that I don’t think that helps the situation as while by adult standards, she is overreacting, she is a toddler and still learning about her emotions, and I don’t think it’s particularly helpful in those moments to call her silly, nor do I think it helps with the fact that she tends to want me when she’s upset. I think a more empathic approach would get a better response.

He says that calling her “silly” has no bearing on her wanting me when she’s upset and my suggestion that he stop is micro-managing.

For context, my DD was an early talker and v articulate and in her non-upset moments, can talk very calmly about her feelings “eg I was upset because Daddy came in but I wanted Mummy”, which I think contributes to my husband feeling like her crying and becoming almost non-verbal in those upset moments is her being silly, vs my view that it’s just her being a toddler, that really wanting your mum at a particular moment is a valid toddler emotion and that crying and screaming about it is just a typical toddler reaction to that emotion and isn’t silly at all.

AIBU?

YABU - there’s no issue with your DH calling your DD silly when she’s upset

YANBU - your DH shouldn’t call your DD silly when she’s upset

@Heruka yes i get that which is why I think context is important
I would of said to mine at times stop being silly if they were crying say over spilling milk for example as in don't be silly its just milk we can get more , it can be cleaned etc
In that context i would consider it not invalidating them but more reassuring that spilled milk is not something to worry about

@MrsSkylerWhite I took no offense (but just wanted to confirm it wasn’t the case) and am so sorry you went through that

@worriedatthemoment

I think I should have been clearer in my OP of how “silly” is being used. Your example wouldn’t be something I would say but I would have less issue with it.

I’m talking about: “[Exasperated sigh] You’re being silly”, not a good-humoured “Ah don’t be silly, it’s ok” attempt to comfort.

Honestly, it's probably just best if we all completely stop talking to children, incase we inadvertently traumatise them for the rest of their life with some completely normal word or phrase.

I never said anything about traumatising. I just don’t think it helps in the moment, and exacerbates the issue of her wanting me when she’s upset.

As I’ve said before, I’m a firm mum, probably former than my DH - but I take that approach when she’s in a state to respond to it, not mid meltdown.

LTB.

So this is what it’s like on AIBU, when people create their own exaggerated narrative based on almost a wilful misinterpretation of your post. Good to know!

You’re being silly OP.

I think it's good for kids to have two parents who do things differently.

Your Dd will grow up thinking perhaps dad is sometimes less validating of emotions than mum is. That's ok as long as your DH is doing it in a thoughtful way - and not just lashing out at her. You said he is gentle with her so it doesn't sound amiss to me. She will internalise the capacity to distinguish between "am I really upset" and "I am cross and upset but if I tried i could get over this" - a sort of internal voice developing to help her regulate what at the moment is a great mass of emotions all with equal urgency and importance.

Not everyone she meets in life is going to be perfectly responsive and validating 100% of the time.

It helps her to learn that there is a varied world out there with many different experiences - and that she will need to adapt herself to best what she finds rather than expect everything to be adapted to her.

I think the fact that daddy is different also "calls" the child into the outer world beyond the little world of "mummy and me". Your Dd is at the classic separation anxiety stage where she wants to stay "mummy and me" for ever - but Daddy's presence and difference will help her to turn outwards - which we all need to do for our development.

All said within the caveat that obviously it is not ok to expect a two year old to manage more than a two year old can manage, it's not ok to be very mocking and so on.

But I think it's ok to suggest to a two year old that they are being a bit silly, that it isn't the end of the world, and so on, if it's done kindly.

If she falls over and hurts herself your DH wouldn't call her silly, I am sure.

@MrsSkylerWhite

ASofaNearYou

“Well no but you're not trying to teach other adults anything. It's not really the same thing.”

So you agree that the child is being “silly” by expressing their feeling that they would rather be with their mother?

My point was, that’s no more “silly”’than an adult expressing a preference and equally valid.

Yes, to an extent, they are being silly. They are overreacting.

I completely agree with @worriedatthemoment's comments here.

I also think most 2 year old's will not have the nuanced definition of silly in their head that would make them feel invalidated. They only know it in the context their parents teach it, and a lot of parents use it to mean "you're overreacting, you'd have more fun if you calmed down". Sometimes children do overreact and besides situations of abuse I don't think it is the end of the world to point that out sometimes.

@PinkSyCo The funny thing is, reading that instantly got my back up!

@Bumpsadaisie He’s not saying it aggressively but I would it describe it as thoughtful. It’s frustrated.

It’s like if I’m stressing about something small, he’ll often tell me “just relax!”. Objectively he’s right and the next day I’d be inclined to agree with him but in that moment of stress, it doesn’t help, doesn’t do anything practical to help me relax and just makes me annoyed at him. I feel like the frustrated “You’re being silly” comments are the same.

*wouldn’t describe it

@NewMum0305

I agree with this intent but I don’t think “you’re being silly” is an effective method, not with my daughter at least

I do get it OP. My DD is 3 and also has a preference for me, and like you I often think the things my DP does with her don't help to fix that. She's very set in her ways and he adheres to that less than I do.

However, I don't try to re-educate him on the "right" way of parenting and I don't assume these things are going to damage her. As another PP said, it's a different perspective for her. If he says something like "I wish she'd do x for me like she does for you" I might say something about how I think she'd respond better to him if he did certain things differently, but beyond that I respect that he is on his own parenting journey with her, and his priorities may be different from mine.

All in all, I do not think that the use of the word "silly" is so indisputably harmful to a child that you need to step in and stop him from doing it.

I don’t know how to quote but re “ I might say something about how I think she'd respond better to him if he did certain things differently” - that’s literally all I did!

@NewMum0305

I don’t know how to quote but re “ I might say something about how I think she'd respond better to him if he did certain things differently” - that’s literally all I did!

My point is I only do that IF he raises the subject of me responding better to me first.

And that I don't think you need to stress yourself out thinking this is something really awful that needs to stop for your DDs sake. It might not help his aim, but it's also unlikely to do her any harm.

@aSofaNearYou that’s a fair point and one I’ve taken on board from this thread. I will definitely back off unless he’s asks for advice, especially as we now agreed that I won’t come in if she’s kicking off so it won’t affect me directly so much.

I should be clear that I don’t think him saying she is being silly is damaging her. As I say, in her calm moment, she will actually mimic herself crying! But in those moment, I think it doesn’t help her calm down and I think it impacts how she reacts to him when she’s upset. But that’s for him to figure out - I get that now