DH calls 2YO DD «silly» when she’s upset

[NewMum0305]

Keen to get thoughts on this as my husband and I cannot agree on it.

My daughter (2 years, 8 months) is going through quite a long phase of wanting me, and not her dad, if she’s upset, or poorly and often when she wakes up first thing in the morning.

This means my husband (who is very hands on, 50/50 split on bedtimes/nights, took shared parental leave etc) is often greeted with “No, I want Mummy!” with my daughter getting more and more upset if she doesn’t get me.

Often in these moments, he will tell her she’s being “silly” (always calmly, never angry or aggressive). I have said that I don’t think that helps the situation as while by adult standards, she is overreacting, she is a toddler and still learning about her emotions, and I don’t think it’s particularly helpful in those moments to call her silly, nor do I think it helps with the fact that she tends to want me when she’s upset. I think a more empathic approach would get a better response.

He says that calling her “silly” has no bearing on her wanting me when she’s upset and my suggestion that he stop is micro-managing.

For context, my DD was an early talker and v articulate and in her non-upset moments, can talk very calmly about her feelings “eg I was upset because Daddy came in but I wanted Mummy”, which I think contributes to my husband feeling like her crying and becoming almost non-verbal in those upset moments is her being silly, vs my view that it’s just her being a toddler, that really wanting your mum at a particular moment is a valid toddler emotion and that crying and screaming about it is just a typical toddler reaction to that emotion and isn’t silly at all.

AIBU?

YABU - there’s no issue with your DH calling your DD silly when she’s upset

YANBU - your DH shouldn’t call your DD silly when she’s upset

That’s the thing - my daughter knows that her screaming for me is unnecessary. She happily talk about it when she calm later or the next day. She can reflect on it completely calming - sometimes she even mimics how she cries and (genuinely) laughs at herself. So she gets it.

But in those moments, she’s a true toddler and her emotions get the better of her.

So given she already understands deep down that the screaming is unnecessary and doesn’t need to be “taught” it, what purpose does calling her silly in those moments serve?

*completely calmly

@NewMum0305

That’s the thing - my daughter knows that her screaming for me is unnecessary. She happily talk about it when she calm later or the next day. She can reflect on it completely calming - sometimes she even mimics how she cries and (genuinely) laughs at herself. So she gets it.

But in those moments, she’s a true toddler and her emotions get the better of her.

So given she already understands deep down that the screaming is unnecessary and doesn’t need to be “taught” it, what purpose does calling her silly in those moments serve?

Well I wasn't saying that it is necessarily the right thing to say, just that it is inherently quite different to talking to another adult.

But I imagine the intended purpose is to try and encourage the child to see that this is one of those moments where it isn't necessary to feel this way, as she is capable of doing in hindsight.

I agree with this intent but I don’t think “you’re being silly” is an effective method, not with my daughter at least

My Mil does this to my young children when they are clingy or whiny. Winds me up no end!

I think the Janet Lansbury post earlier is spot on and wish that all of the people saying YABU would read and take note!! When we are upset and a partner or a friend says ‘I wouldn’t worry about it’ ‘you’re making a big deal out of nothing’ or ‘YOU ARE BEING SILLY’ - how well does that help us? Are the people saying it’s fine to say this, thinking that they would be happy with it said to them?

By all means, your DH can and should hold a boundary sometimes of ‘mummy can’t come, daddy is here to cuddle you’. But this can be done with love and understanding that she is having big feelings that are hard to manage on her own.

Some silly people on mumsnet
My gosh children won't be able to handle anything if we continue to not even be able to say stop being silly

ASofaNearYou

“Well no but you're not trying to teach other adults anything. It's not really the same thing.”

So you agree that the child is being “silly” by expressing their feeling that they would rather be with their mother?

My point was, that’s no more “silly”’than an adult expressing a preference and equally valid.

@MrsSkylerWhite maybe he means stop being silly as in crying getting distressed and we can't always have what we want or our own way even as adults
People look way too much into things these days , things people have done for years without having damaged kids who are scared for life
Words can be used in different contents and mean something very different

@Heruka yes if you was being silky or overreacting or worried about something that was minor and you had got it in ti your head it was a bigger thing
Then you want your friend to say your overacting , more worried than you should be , look at this from another way
Sometimes in life we are wrong or have overacted to something so why shouldnt we be told that from time to time

worriedatthemoment

@MrsSkylerWhite maybe he means stop being silly as in crying getting distressed and we can't always have what we want or our own way even as adults
People look way too much into things these days , things people have done for years without having damaged kids who are scared for life
Words can be used in different contents and mean something very different“

Telling a toddler that their gut instinct is “silly” is wrong.

@MrsSkylerWhite no he is saying stop being silly maybe for crying etc as crying can't get us everything we want

@MrsSkylerWhite how is it a gut instinct we have no idea of the dynamic maybe child wants mum as mum lets them get away with later bedtimes or such like , what do we do when next night they cry and mum isn't there
Too much is looked into from an adults point and how they will see it , not from a child who doesn't think like an adult

My dad abused me. I wanted my mum. It was gut instinct.

Children’s views should not be dismissed simply because they’re children.

I can confirm that I absolutely don’t let my daughter have a later bedtime or anything like that that would prompt her to cry on purpose to get me. She is going through a clingy phase with me generally and not just around her dad - it’s not manipulation to achieve her devious two year old ends..!

My husband and I are both loving parents. We’re both quite firm parents when it comes to boundaries etc. When my daughter is upset, I tend to take a gentler approach and get her to calm down but talking to her about the issue and, if she’s behaved in a way that’s not acceptable, telling her its not acceptable (eg if she pushes her Dad away). In those situations, overall I’m probably firmer than her Dad - I just try to get her to a state where she can take it in first.

My husband tends to want to make her acknowledge if she’s not being rational while she’s mid-tantrum which never works and I think exacerbates her not wanting to be around him if she’s having a meltdown so we get trapped in a bit of a negative loop.

calm down before* talking

NewMum0305

“it’s not manipulation to achieve her devious two year old ends”

This. At this age, it’s from the heart and genuine and you need to go with it, even if it makes no sense to you.

@NewMum0305 never said your daughter did just that we don't always know the whole picture and kids are clever at times
I still think too many people look at things from an adults perspective and not a child who isn't physco analysing everything
If otherwise they have a good relationship let him choose his words , your dd will put him right if she doesn't like it she sounds like she is pretty clued up

@MrsSkylerWhite and thats awful but that isn't the case here

worriedatthemoment

@MrsSkylerWhite and thats awful but that isn't the case here“

Yes. You’re absolutely right and I apologise NewMum0305. I wasn’t for a moment suggesting it was.
I’ll bow out. Sorry.

@MrsSkylerWhite don't bow out you have a right to speak as well
And although may not be the cAse here your right on maybe be case in other cases or circumstances so we shouldn't dismiss straightaway etc

**Dismiss childrens feelings

@MrsSkylerWhite to be fair you made me think that actually we should sometimes get to the bottom of a situation with kids at times and look at it a little differently

Fair play to you @worriedatthemoment for being able to see it a bit differently. Actually I do think there are many people who didn’t experience serious forms of abuse by their parents, who were regularly told that their feelings were stupid or inconvenient. My mum was a single mum and struggled, she cried a lot and showed me that she couldn’t handle my feelings, so I learned to cope by being ‘a good girl’ and always trying to please her. Many would see this as a good thing for life but as an adult I still struggle to know what I want at times, try and take care of others feelings for me to feel ok. Does that make sense? It’s not a lifetime of trauma but parents can easily, unintentionally, teach children that what they feel is wrong or doesn’t matter.