DH calls 2YO DD «silly» when she’s upset

[NewMum0305]

Keen to get thoughts on this as my husband and I cannot agree on it.

My daughter (2 years, 8 months) is going through quite a long phase of wanting me, and not her dad, if she’s upset, or poorly and often when she wakes up first thing in the morning.

This means my husband (who is very hands on, 50/50 split on bedtimes/nights, took shared parental leave etc) is often greeted with “No, I want Mummy!” with my daughter getting more and more upset if she doesn’t get me.

Often in these moments, he will tell her she’s being “silly” (always calmly, never angry or aggressive). I have said that I don’t think that helps the situation as while by adult standards, she is overreacting, she is a toddler and still learning about her emotions, and I don’t think it’s particularly helpful in those moments to call her silly, nor do I think it helps with the fact that she tends to want me when she’s upset. I think a more empathic approach would get a better response.

He says that calling her “silly” has no bearing on her wanting me when she’s upset and my suggestion that he stop is micro-managing.

For context, my DD was an early talker and v articulate and in her non-upset moments, can talk very calmly about her feelings “eg I was upset because Daddy came in but I wanted Mummy”, which I think contributes to my husband feeling like her crying and becoming almost non-verbal in those upset moments is her being silly, vs my view that it’s just her being a toddler, that really wanting your mum at a particular moment is a valid toddler emotion and that crying and screaming about it is just a typical toddler reaction to that emotion and isn’t silly at all.

AIBU?

YABU - there’s no issue with your DH calling your DD silly when she’s upset

YANBU - your DH shouldn’t call your DD silly when she’s upset

I think that is spot on @ladycarlotta, thank you for articulating it so clearly.

You are right about approaching it gently - I really did try to do so but as I say, he felt me commenting at all was micromanaging but maybe I need to reflect on how I address issues like this.

YABU - he's teaching your DD communication and emotional management while you're babying her and encouraging her to favour you over him rather than supporting him as a parent.

This.

If she has a hands on loving dad doing 50% of the childcare, she should have a positive bond with him and this kicking off for him is a massively disproportionate response by her (she shouldn't be "distressed" by being cared for by a loving, hands on father). You pandering to that is teaching her that that is a valid response to this situation, which it isnt.

It's much like my DD of similar age getting v upset when I give her a pear instead of an apple. She likes both, but she is a 2 year old tyrant so is testing boundaries. I regularly tell her she is silly for this exact same thing!

You should be backing her dad up, you don't want her refusing to accept her own parent because she is favouring you

Calling people silly because they don't fit in with your plans is hardly teaching emotional management.

I absolutely back her Dad and only step in of he specifically asks me to - otherwise I leave them to it. If I do step on, I calm her down, explain that her dad is looking after her, getting her dressed etc, and then leave them to it.

Where is the babying?

Sorry, the last post was to @DeepaBeesKit

2 year olds can be very silly indeed, of course it's right to teach them when being upset is silly and when it isn't.

If she is getting SO upset by not getting her way because she knows you are in the house, it's because she has learned you will give in and go in if she makes enough fuss.

That's the babying - you thinking she is SO genuinely distressed by being cared for by dad that you must go in.

The fact that she doesnt do it when she knows you aren't there tells you everything. She isnt really distressed because as you say, she has a great relationship with her dad. She's just seeing how much power she has to get you to go in when you are there.

It’s a fair point that me going in sometimes doesn’t help and I have raised that point to my husband, but if he is desperate enough to ask me to, I don’t think it’s “backing him” to refuse to.

My whole point of raising the ‘silly’ issue is to try and address what I perceive to be a factor in her wanting me when she’s upset and not him so it’s not an issue in any case.

My ex used to say that my son when he's upset too and it really pisses me off!
Any way he doesn't any more, because I explained to him that all of his feelings are valid and telling him that expressing your emotions is not 'silly'

Ex is lovely but was definitely'shamed' for expressing emotions that didn't fit in with his parents wishes .

Whereas my parents were a bit more
I know it's rubbish but here we are, get it all out etc

Two year olds can be irrational twats. They are silly.

I think she’s probably just learnt that if she kicks off enough and for long enough, Mummy comes in to the rescue.

@briarshollow I agree with both your points but still can’t see that calling her silly mid-meltdown in an exasperated tone helps the situation

@ponkydonkey Yes I am starting to think upbringing is definitely playing a role in this

He's an ex for a reason 😬 but we still get on brilliantly, but absolutely do not agree with the up bringing of children.
Hence he has many addictions which are a huge impact on family life and our relationship.
My son loves his dad but I small doses, he understands that parenting at home is much more understanding and also has boundaries that work😀

I think you can validate a childs feelings while not doing what they want you to do. I probably wouldn’t call my DD silly for being upset at anything simply because no feeling is silly really and 2yr olds don’t understand proportionate responses to their own feelings yet. I would acknowledge she’s not happy but explain it’s happening anyway.

@NellieBertram

Ideally yes, he should be more empathetic but you telling him what to say to her is micro-managing.

You could suggest that he says something like "I understand you're upset because you want mummy but daddy is doing xyz today" but ultimately if he doesn't want to it's up to him. It's his relationship with his daughter.

This ^ wot @NellieBertram said

@Seashore2018

Get him to read How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. It's really good for situations like this. I learnt that what a kid needs in that situation is to feel heard, and once they feel heard they are much more likely to be able to cope with the situation. So, he might reflect back to her what she's feeling - 'You really want mummy instead of me, don't you? It's one of those times when you just really want mummy'. And then, almost always, after getting their feelings off their chest, the kid will calm down.

If you point him to the book, or tell him to go borrow/buy it, he'll see for himself how to change the dynamic, then you may feel less like you have to micromanage the interactions between them.

This.

Yes Antsgomarching.

I get what you are saying but with the greatest of respect by continually undermining dh parenting skills you have created this lopsided dynamic. Dd knows to get you cuddling and sweet talking her she gets to throw a wobble (attention seeking) and your dh is slowly doubting his ability which is why he is calling you in. If dd kicks off just say "no, daddy is looking after you" and walk away. Just stop, otherwise you could potentially ruin their relationship for years to come.

Depends
If it's said with affection and jokes her out of it - OK
If it doesn't - I wouldn't like it but if it's his shift so it's up to him
If it actually works her up further and you have to go in - that's when I think you get to pull him up on it. Probably best not to criticise him in general, but just say - we need to find a way she doesn't get worked up, because right now I am having to come in on your shift - and once that starts, it can tip further and further to a preference for mummy, which helps no one.
Kids can't pick favourites because then they end up spending more time with the favourite, the relationship gets deeper, and the non-favourite gets pushed out.

And really how would you feel if it was the other any round? Probably slightly exasperated..
Its a frustrating situation.

2 year olds often are silly and irrational though. I don’t think it is helpful to always validate their demands and whims.

My 2yo went through a phase of rejecting my husband at bedtime and it was actually just pretty horrible for everyone. She’s moved out of that phase fortunately and I suspect yours will too.

@Luredbyapomegranate it’s the third one and what you’ve suggested I do is literally what I’ve done!

I’ve said to my husband I won’t raise it again and we’ve agreed to go back to zero tolerance on her meltdowns asking for me (we don’t bow to her tantrums in any other area so it makes no sense to do it on this).

My feelings about calling a toddler having a meltdown “silly” haven’t changed at all and I do think it doesn’t help how she responds to him - but if he wants to continue with it, it’s only him dealing with the fallout now.

Would he call an adult silly if they expressed a preference over who they wanted comfort from at that moment?

Looking after our 17 month old grandchild overnight for the first time this weekend. No idea how it will go. Of course, it’s not the same dynamic at all but it wouldn’t enter my head to say they were being silly when they were expressing their emotions.
Your husband is BU.

(My husband worked away from home all week, was desperate for one to one time with the kids when he came home at the weekend. Not once during several years did he show them any upset or disapproval when they still wanted me at bath/bedtime).

@MrsSkylerWhite

Would he call an adult silly if they expressed a preference over who they wanted comfort from at that moment?

Looking after our 17 month old grandchild overnight for the first time this weekend. No idea how it will go. Of course, it’s not the same dynamic at all but it wouldn’t enter my head to say they were being silly when they were expressing their emotions.
Your husband is BU.

Well no but you're not trying to teach other adults anything. It's not really the same thing.