To re-locate even though my son is upset over it.

[DontWantTheRivalry]

6 months ago I got my perfect job that I had been wanting for over 5 years.

When I applied for the job I knew that at some point we would have to move if I got offered the job.

When I got the job we put the house on the market and were always honest with our son (aged 7) that we were having to move away which meant he would have to go to a new school. He was very brave about it and enjoyed looking at new houses and looking at potential new schools so we thought things would be okay.

We then had a total lull in house viewings so the concept of moving faded from our lives a little but we’ve now had an offer put in on our house that we’re most likely going to accept.

I spoke to my son about it last night and he was distraught and started crying because he’s scared about changing schools and not knowing anyone, and of course being upset about leaving his friends. It broke my heart and I felt so guilty.

We are only moving 25 miles away but it’s not optional as there is no public transport and I don’t drive (medical reasons).

At the moment I’m reliant on family members to take me to work and pick me up and it’s just not feasible. We are paying them petrol money for the journeys but it’s still such an imposition.

But after my son’s reaction last night I’m really feeling like I have to put him first and if that means leaving my perfect job then that’s the sacrifice I need to make.

Has anyone else been in similar circumstances?

I'm going against the grain slightly and saying that I think you need to give this some serious thought.
Regarding your son - that's a no-brainer - he's only 7, easily young enough to adjust to a move, and will settle very quickly.
But all the other issues you mention sound quite significant - family support, your husband's commute, your health.

Is there a danger that you may be off sick for a prolonged period again, meaning that the whole family were inconvenienced for your job, which you're not actually doing?
Also, is there a chance you can get your driving licence back if you go 2 years seizure-free ? Because that would surely be a game-changer.
Have you spoken to the people who are giving you lifts? Do they have an opinion? It may be that they'd rather continue giving you lifts than have you move away.
Lots of consider.

I have a 7 year old, I personally couldn't do it he absolutely loves his school and has a bunch of great friends including his best friend who he has known since he was a toddler, it would kill me with the guilt of moving him.
I know everyone has said you should go and that's fine, it just seems you have so much around you as well where you are.
Only you know what is the right thing to do x

Thanks everyone for your replies.

As I’ve said my managers are very supportive and they knew this job was made for me, so they didn’t advertise it until I was back from my sickness leave.

Yes it’s a very hands on role and I’m currently at work 3 days a week as that’s all I can manage with relying on other people for lifts.

My manager is happy for me to work what days/hours fit me best as they are aware of my situation, which is brilliant, but at the crux of it all is that I can’t keep relying on family members for lifts.

I live in the neighbouring county to where my job is based so 13 miles of the journey is down the motorway hence why public transport isn’t really an option.

We did look into buses and trains but it would take me just under 2.5 hours of travelling each way and so spending 5 hours day commuting just isn’t feasible.

We also looked into taxi fares but it would be £45 each way so again, not possible.

We looked into Access to Work but because there is public transport available (even though it would take me 2.5 hours to get to work) I don’t meet their criteria.

There’s a good chance my hours are going to need to increase over the next 6 months which means more days at work which means more lifts required unless we move to where I will be working.

It’s so difficult.

Also, is there a chance you can get your driving licence back if you go 2 years seizure-free ? Because that would surely be a game-changer.

I could get it back…..but then just as easily lose it again a week later.

Since losing my licence 3 years ago and having had to rely on family lifts for those 3 years (apart from when I was off sick) it’s made me see that I can’t put myself in a situation where I am reliant on me being able to drive to get to work. Long term, for it to be feasible to remain in this job, I need to be local so that I can get there without the use of a car and without having to rely on others.

My family want me to move not because they don’t mind giving me lifts (so they say, but after 3 years of it I’m sure they’ve reached their limit) but because they don’t want me driving for fear of me having a seizure at the wheel or something.

I think these decisions can be hard to make because there are so many unknown factors and the stakes are so high. At the end of the day, you can't know for certain what will happen in the future, so sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith and do what you think is best because you have no way of knowing what is actually best unless you can see the future. Maybe you go and life sucks, maybe you stay and life sucks. You can't know, but you can take the job and see how things work out. Give it a year or two and reassess, you can always move back if it doesn't work out.

You need to move. He will be ok.

As someone else said, would focus on all the stuff you'd be gaining, rather than losses:

Excitement
New school with potential for new friends.

That he can still keep friends - surely his close pals could visit you (what monthly?) and he, them?

I think your kids will be fine, your lad is 7. We moved when my son was 6/7 so p2 and he was fine, still friends with boys he met in school and no issues at all. It was hard to begin with as he was nervous but the best move we could make!

Congratulations on the job op, sounds a fab opportunity after your health issues and I hope it works out well for you especially living closer! I’ve been off 11 months and go back to my nursing job next week, been quite worried about it but I hope colleagues are as supportive as yours sound

@Josette77

If you allow his anxiety to dictate your life, you will set him up for failure as an adult.

And miss out on the perfect job. Move.

Move it makes much more sense to move now before your younger dc goes to school...
Have you found somewhere to move too? Schools with space for your eldest?
I would try and get a bit planned/organised then start involving your eldest again...at 7 he's not really going to have a strong concept of time so slowly slowly and more fixed this time....so less options/choices etc
My db is in the same position driving wise and not having to be dependent to get to work is really important for his mental health....
Your not too far for family support otherwise or meeting up with friends and will have the opportunity to make more whilst the dc are young..its harder when they are older!

@DontWantTheRivalry

Thanks everyone for your replies.

As I’ve said my managers are very supportive and they knew this job was made for me, so they didn’t advertise it until I was back from my sickness leave.

Yes it’s a very hands on role and I’m currently at work 3 days a week as that’s all I can manage with relying on other people for lifts.

My manager is happy for me to work what days/hours fit me best as they are aware of my situation, which is brilliant, but at the crux of it all is that I can’t keep relying on family members for lifts.

I live in the neighbouring county to where my job is based so 13 miles of the journey is down the motorway hence why public transport isn’t really an option.

We did look into buses and trains but it would take me just under 2.5 hours of travelling each way and so spending 5 hours day commuting just isn’t feasible.

We also looked into taxi fares but it would be £45 each way so again, not possible.

We looked into Access to Work but because there is public transport available (even though it would take me 2.5 hours to get to work) I don’t meet their criteria.

There’s a good chance my hours are going to need to increase over the next 6 months which means more days at work which means more lifts required unless we move to where I will be working.

It’s so difficult.

It's not that difficult. It's clear you have thought about this very carefully and looked at all options. And moving is the best option. Don't dwell on your son's natural and heathy anxiety, Reassure him. Familiarise him with the new place. Make sure some friends come to stay. Move and get your life back.

Sounds like the move is necessary for you to be able to get to work independently, which is v important.

Can't you wait until he finished primary? Learn to drive and commute the 25 miles. As a child of parents that moved, I never really got over it.

It's not difficult. 7 year olds don't get a say, I don't mean that harshly but because they are too young to assess and evaluate the pros and cons of the situation, and are unable to think long-term. A move will massively benefit you, and the best thing for a 7 year old is for his mother to be happy and settled and in a good place.

Yes, to all the PPs saying emphasise the positives and give DS all the reassurances he needs, but at the end of the day, the move is the right way to go, whatever he thinks.

Learn to drive and commute the 25 miles

RTFT the OP hasn't got a licence due to medical reasons

OP your son is 7 he doesn't get to dictate what happens. We moved several times with my Dads job and hated the thought of it. There were tears on each occasion but the bottom line was the decision was made by my parents and we adapted. Your son will too.

Don't even consider not taking the job because of a child's reaction

He will be ok once he has settled in OP

The kids will be fine, you should move. We moved countries when I was 7 amd my brother was 6 and all I remember now is the excitement. We were pretty popular at the new school because we were new.

Meh I’m about to move my ten and thirteen year old for the second time in 6 months. They have both been fine.

Your job sounds like a really good one and obviously your salary will benefit your son. It’s clear that driving is out of the question, so you don’t have any other option. His reaction is totally normal and healthy but adapting is a part of life.

Thanks everyone,

I made the first step today by contacting the school admissions authority in the other County to see which schools have spaces in Year 3 to accept a new pupil as that will be the starting point of what areas we can house search in.

@DontWantTheRivalry do ask any potential schools how they integrate new pupils. The schools which are used to integrating new pupils will have a process they follow. The schools which arent used to integrating new pupils (areas where there isnt a lot of change) may be a bit hit and miss.

@DontWantTheRivalry

Thanks everyone,

I made the first step today by contacting the school admissions authority in the other County to see which schools have spaces in Year 3 to accept a new pupil as that will be the starting point of what areas we can house search in.

Maybe shortlist the schools you actually want him to go to and feel would be best for him, and then if no spaces - go on waiting lists. Stick with current arrangements until space comes up Not ideal but then you nice knowing that even though son upset - it’s for a good school

I did that. Could have moved 8 months earlier but school I wanted didn’t have a space

So when we did move, it felt like even though it was for my job, and it was in children’s best interests also

I couldn’t do it if it meant my children were upset... but I think I am probably weird in that respect. If I told them and they cried I’d back down and not move 😂

@Magicmixie

I couldn’t do it if it meant my children were upset... but I think I am probably weird in that respect. If I told them and they cried I’d back down and not move 😂

You don’t have children though (I was on thread you started re sexuality) to be fair. Sometimes you do things that are in their interests even though they may wail about it