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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To re-locate even though my son is upset over it.

131 replies

DontWantTheRivalry · 24/11/2021 07:37

6 months ago I got my perfect job that I had been wanting for over 5 years.

When I applied for the job I knew that at some point we would have to move if I got offered the job.

When I got the job we put the house on the market and were always honest with our son (aged 7) that we were having to move away which meant he would have to go to a new school. He was very brave about it and enjoyed looking at new houses and looking at potential new schools so we thought things would be okay.

We then had a total lull in house viewings so the concept of moving faded from our lives a little but we’ve now had an offer put in on our house that we’re most likely going to accept.

I spoke to my son about it last night and he was distraught and started crying because he’s scared about changing schools and not knowing anyone, and of course being upset about leaving his friends. It broke my heart and I felt so guilty.

We are only moving 25 miles away but it’s not optional as there is no public transport and I don’t drive (medical reasons).

At the moment I’m reliant on family members to take me to work and pick me up and it’s just not feasible. We are paying them petrol money for the journeys but it’s still such an imposition.

But after my son’s reaction last night I’m really feeling like I have to put him first and if that means leaving my perfect job then that’s the sacrifice I need to make.

Has anyone else been in similar circumstances?

OP posts:
Inquisitivearchitect · 24/11/2021 08:38

Show him what 25 miles looks like on Google Maps! He needs to visualise it. It really isn’t far at all!

Ultimately though - you should take the job!

Congrats on your new job and house offer SmileFlowers

godmum56 · 24/11/2021 08:39

@GiantHaystacks2021

Mother of god, no 7 year old would be dictating the welfare and future of my family. He'll just have to find a way to learn to live with it. He's 7, he'll survive.

Also - learn to drive, it'll do you good.

read the op properly...OP CAN"T drive for medical reasons
4amstarts · 24/11/2021 08:41

I'm Conflicted to be honest - it's your dream not his. For 25 miles id find a way of commuting

Original poster
DontWantTheRivalry · 24/11/2021 08:41

The only dissenting point from me is what if you lose this job or it doesn’t work out? Can you really not do it near your current home? If you got made redundant where would you find another job?

My new job is a more senior position for the Trust I already work in (I’ve worked there for 13 years already). It’s a very specialised role which I’m very lucky to have. I work with the same team I have done for the last 13 years and they are very supportive about my recent decline in health stability. I’m really lucky to have their support.

OP posts:
JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 24/11/2021 08:47

@Fenelladepompom

I thought you were going to say he was 15! Move! At primary level he'll be fine. All children moan about moving. And learn to drive.
Learn to read 🙄
Harlequin1088 · 24/11/2021 08:48

Just move. If everybody changed their plans based on the opinion of a child then absolutely nothing would get done.

He's only 7 so better to move now than disrupt him when he's at secondary school and doing exams, etc.

Get him signed up to clubs in your new area so that he can start making friends. Treat him to a new school bag, lunch box, pencil case to take to his new school. All these little things will help with the transition.

I know you must feel guilty because your lad got upset but you can't give up your dream job because of it. You'll forever regret it if you do. I'd have been surprised if he didn't get upset to be honest but he'll quickly adjust I'm sure.

EurghCobwebs · 24/11/2021 08:48

There I was thinking your child would be a teenager...and he's 7!

Get a grip and move, he'll soon make new friends.

Or stay there and miss out on a career opportunity and then when your son starts secondary school in a few years and has a whole bunch of new friends contemplate whether you've made the correct decision!

PinkMochi · 24/11/2021 08:49

He’s 7. He’s only been at the school for 2 or 3 years. You would be mad to let a 7yo’s anxiety rule your life and dictate your family’s future! I could understand if he was 15 and studying for his GCSEs, but he’s not. He’s 7.

LublinToDublin · 24/11/2021 08:50

If the thoughts of your 7 year old were the only question then that shouldn't dictate your choices.

But ...you have listed many issues that could be factors against moving. I presume you and your dp/dh weighed up everything and the balance came down in favour of the new job (as you've started it) and relocation (because that's the only way you can do the job).

Go back to the reasons that made you as a couple decide that the job and move benefited your whole family. If they genuinely don't add up then reconsider.

But if they still lead to the move then start communicating the positives to your ds.

stillcrazyafterall · 24/11/2021 08:50

Holy fuck why are you even considering letting your 7 year old dictate to you? Children adapt, god knows military children move every couple of years. It builds resilience. And it means you won't be bring up a child who thinks he rules the roost. Unbelievable.

Cavagirl · 24/11/2021 08:51

Maybe I actually feel really guilty that I’m putting my family through all of this change just so I can have the ‘perfect job’. I suppose I just feel very selfish

this job has been my saving grace. Children and family aside, it’s the only positive thing in my life that is keeping me smiling and what is probably stopping me from drowning.

This job is what's best for your family. Because having a mum who feels like this is not good for your DC. So you need to do it for them too. You are absolutely not being selfish.

But why do you need our permission?

starfishmummy · 24/11/2021 08:52

Yabu. He's 7 he doesn't make the choices about where you live or work!

Aberteifi · 24/11/2021 08:53

We moved 250 miles away nearly 2 years ago when my youngest children were 5 and 7 and in the beginning there were lots of tears but we started showing them our new house on google maps and where they would be going to school and the local area.
They made friends very quickly and are very happy and rarely talk about their old school or house anymore.

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 24/11/2021 08:54

I don't think you should shelve the move for your son. He's 7 it is natural that he is a bit scared but he will cope well and there is lots that can be done to help him settle in.

However I am a bit concerned about you leaving your support network behind combined with increasing your husband's commute. I wonder if there are any other options, even at a greater cost (as you would save the cost of moving). Something like public transport part way and taxi or e-bike the rest of the way, or a formal lift share arrangement, or flexible working, it might be worth the effort if it keeps you close to your support network.

LublinToDublin · 24/11/2021 08:56

@stillcrazyafterall

Holy fuck why are you even considering letting your 7 year old dictate to you? Children adapt, god knows military children move every couple of years. It builds resilience. And it means you won't be bring up a child who thinks he rules the roost. Unbelievable.
You are aware that constant moving (military or otherwise) really messes up many children?
TopCatsTopHat · 24/11/2021 08:56

@DontWantTheRivalry

The only dissenting point from me is what if you lose this job or it doesn’t work out? Can you really not do it near your current home? If you got made redundant where would you find another job?

My new job is a more senior position for the Trust I already work in (I’ve worked there for 13 years already). It’s a very specialised role which I’m very lucky to have. I work with the same team I have done for the last 13 years and they are very supportive about my recent decline in health stability. I’m really lucky to have their support.

Take the job, take the job, take the job. It sounds awesome, back yourself. Rise like you deserve and your Trust sees you should and believe in your family - they can meet this challenge and will be very proud of you and you of them. Don't shrink your lives for this fear - take the fear and south it, manage it and support the transition and overcome it. A fulfilled mother is the best mother a child can have.
PurplePeaks · 24/11/2021 08:59

Oh, in the gentlest way possible it's not his decision to make. You're the parent. You get to see the bigger picture and help him learn to deal with change and new circumstances. He doesn't get to choose his dinner at that age! Let alone have input into the family's housing and your job! He will adjust.

LynetteScavo · 24/11/2021 08:59

He's 7, so moving will be a very big and scary thing for him. Of course he's worried. It's your job as his mum to calm him down and jolly him along, and show him all the plus points of the move. Personally I'd be telling him he will get a massive Lego set/new bike or whatever he's into when he gets to the new house. Two of my DC are easily bought, and that would have worked for them. You can't make massive life choices based on one child's wobble, and if you don't move now you never will. It's much easier to make new friends and build a support network when you have younger children.

MyComputerGetsSadWithoutMe · 24/11/2021 09:00

@GiantHaystacks2021

Mother of god, no 7 year old would be dictating the welfare and future of my family. He'll just have to find a way to learn to live with it. He's 7, he'll survive.

Also - learn to drive, it'll do you good.

What a daft post. What if OP has no very well controlled epilepsy? or is partially sighted? They said medical reasons.
4amstarts · 24/11/2021 09:02

25 miles is a lot to a chime - 2.5 miles is a lot. His existing friendships won't survive the move especially when the OP can't drive him to see them

MyComputerGetsSadWithoutMe · 24/11/2021 09:03

OP I get what you mean, we're moving soon and it means moving my children's schools and my daughter is happy with this and confident, my DS5 is really sad, after being off school for so long he'd just started to not be nervous going in. I think the move will be good because the school is better but I still feel sad for him.

Kennykenkencat · 24/11/2021 09:03

It will be hard for him but I think you need to find a house and find a school it will make him more at ease.
Saying you are moving probably just conjures up to him a black void of the unknown and that is more scary than the actual reality of the move. At least if he knows where it will put his mind at ease.
You could throw in that he will get a bigger bedroom or being able to do an activity he wants to do but can’t in your current location etc
Focus on the positives whilst accepting that he will miss his old friends.

Unhomme · 24/11/2021 09:04

Move. 7 year old have plenty of resilience on this (as a forces child I moved a few times) your dream job means you are better able to support him.

Oftenithinkaboutit · 24/11/2021 09:09

He’s had one hell of a disrupted year
I’d be wary
But then he’s young so if you’re going to do it - do it now

Are you in the office five days a week?

GnomeDePlume · 24/11/2021 09:11

Go for it!

We had to move countries when DCs were similar ages and my expat posting came to an end unexpectedly. It was a huge change for all of us but DCs survived and are all now young adults. The younger two now have only hazy recollections of the time they five years they lived abroad and spoke a different language.