To re-locate even though my son is upset over it.

[DontWantTheRivalry]

6 months ago I got my perfect job that I had been wanting for over 5 years.

When I applied for the job I knew that at some point we would have to move if I got offered the job.

When I got the job we put the house on the market and were always honest with our son (aged 7) that we were having to move away which meant he would have to go to a new school. He was very brave about it and enjoyed looking at new houses and looking at potential new schools so we thought things would be okay.

We then had a total lull in house viewings so the concept of moving faded from our lives a little but we’ve now had an offer put in on our house that we’re most likely going to accept.

I spoke to my son about it last night and he was distraught and started crying because he’s scared about changing schools and not knowing anyone, and of course being upset about leaving his friends. It broke my heart and I felt so guilty.

We are only moving 25 miles away but it’s not optional as there is no public transport and I don’t drive (medical reasons).

At the moment I’m reliant on family members to take me to work and pick me up and it’s just not feasible. We are paying them petrol money for the journeys but it’s still such an imposition.

But after my son’s reaction last night I’m really feeling like I have to put him first and if that means leaving my perfect job then that’s the sacrifice I need to make.

Has anyone else been in similar circumstances?

Please take this kindly - the degree to which you've analysed and worried about this (from the other thread) suggests something else isn't fully right?

I have various worries about moving but my son’s upset is what is affecting me the most.

We are also leaving a great support network that we have - our family live incredibly close which is a God Send when I’m having a bad day with my heath or something crops up last minute. I also have a good circle of friends whose children are in my son’s class so I’m losing that support network too.

My younger son (he’s 4) is with a fantastic childminder who he’s been going to for 3 years and he adores her. He’s a much more emotional child than my 7 year old and I know he will struggle with the change.

Moving will also mean a longer commute for my husband.

Maybe I actually feel really guilty that I’m putting my family through all of this change just so I can have the ‘perfect job’. I suppose I just feel very selfish

I had assumed I was going to open this and it be about a 17 year old. But 7 ! Move!

Of course the prospect of moving schools is scary for a 7 year old, but so is starting school and you didn’t feel guilty then I bet did you?

Don’t allow a 7 year old to dictate your life, they don’t have to lose their friends.

If he was 15 or 16 with exams coming up and an estaished friendship group, I wouldnsaybyour concerns were more valid, as thats a tricky age for disruption, but you son is 7. Go for it.

Kids are very adaptable and new kids in school are eagerly accepted at that age. Fear of the unknown is normal but a young child doesn't get to dictate the family's future. You will always regret it if you don't do it.

We moved when my son was 7, also 25 miles away and my mum and dad had been our next door neighbours so there was that difference to contend with too.

There were some initial wobbles, it’s scary being the new kid after all, but they’re at an age where I found they hadn’t formed exclusive friendship groups yet and were more than happy to play with him when they realised he loved football, Minecraft, all those things 7 year old boys like talking about. 6 months after he started the schools closed for the first Covid lockdown so he ‘went back’ feeling new again in the September- he’s fine!

They’re resilient little things, it’s a huge change and too big for them to comprehend in a way- I found involving him helped a ton. Explaining each step of the process, we let him look at some of the house documents (who knew a land registry map was so fascinating 🤨), he picked his room, helped pack, helped unpack….
Congratulations on your dream job, and good luck with the move- you’ll all be fine!

‘ My younger son (he’s 4) is with a fantastic childminder who he’s been going to for 3 years and he adores her. He’s a much more emotional child than my 7 year old and I know he will struggle with the change.’

It’ll have to change soon anyway?

Op stop it, you’re not selfish.

You having a better job will bring lots of benefits for your family. It's not selfish. Your life is important and your happiness impacts hugely on your family.

It's actually kind of daft to put your life on hold for a 7 year old. Of coure he's upset now - it's big and scary and unknown. He will need you to guide him through the changes. But kids are very resilient and after a few months in his new school he will have made new friends and will barely remember the old one.

If he was in secondary school it might be different but at 7 he will be absolutely fine. Honestly, he will bounce back like an elastic band at that age.

He's seven. He knows nothing. Coincidentally we moved when I was 7½. Initially I was happy because I didn't really understand what moving meant. When I did, I cried. But we had to move for my dad's job. I started a new school, met new friends and life just went on the same.
He's seven and you have to be brave for him. There are going to be lots more times when he's going to be upset over things because that happens in life. But he has to learn to deal with it.

Look at it this way - in 4 years or so time, your son will be moving to high school and would likely be separated from his friends then anyway and need to make new ones. You're preparing him well for that change.

Of course he's nervous/sad about it - perfectly natural as a 7 yr old's world is school and school friends, and I can imagine how worrying that is for you, but I'm sure he'll be fine. We haven't been through it but there have been 4/5 kids that have joined my sons class at various stages, the latest being this yr in yr 4, and he talks about them as if they've always been there - they slot right in!

My parents moved house when I was 5. I hated the idea of moving and was really upset. We moved in the middle of the school year (February), so all the kids in my new school already knew each other. Honestly, it was fine. It's now long enough ago that I don't remember the first few weeks/months, but I know that I quickly made friends and fully settled in. I'm still friends now with some of the people that I met in my (new) primary school.

I agree with a PP: at the moment all your son can see is what he will have to leave behind. Try to give him things to look forward to.

Also (and I am sure some will disagree with me), I think it is nice to involve your son in the process of choosing a new school, though I'd make sure not to overwhelm him with options. When we moved my mum visited about half a dozen potential schools, chose two that she liked, and then let me have the final say about which one of the two I preferred. I think it helped me feel some control over the whole process.

Sounds like you’ve a lot more to consider regarding this. Leaving family support is a big deal. Lots of people don’t have any, but if you do now and you’d be leaving it, you need to be prepared for the change.

As for your child, I’d moved areas twice by the age of 11. Yes there were tears second time round when I was 11 and facing the prospect of starting secondary school not knowing a soul. But within a few weeks I was fine, same for my younger brother.

Kids are resilient, he’ll make new friends quickly I’m sure.

Oops I voted YABU based on the final part of your OP where you said you would give up your house move and perfect job to stay put, rather than on the thread title. I see the vote is split but I don’t think anyone has said that you should stay on the whims of a 7 year old. You are in charge and not being selfish.

It's an adult's job to make this decision, not a child's!

@GiantHaystacks2021

Mother of god, no 7 year old would be dictating the welfare and future of my family. He'll just have to find a way to learn to live with it. He's 7, he'll survive.

Also - learn to drive, it'll do you good.

Can’t you read? She can’t drive for medical reasons. As someone who can’t drive due to epilepsy, comments such as yours are hurtful

My DH moved when he was 7, he's still unhappy about it & it was 50 years ago.

That said, I'd move & just be better at helping him with new friends than my in-laws would have been...

I thought you were going to say he was 15! Move! At primary level he'll be fine. All children moan about moving. And learn to drive.

Kids don’t understand the bigger picture- he’s only 7 and will make friends easily again, he isn’t in exam years- it’s fine

Putting him first does not mean giving him everything he wants, it means making sure you support him and give him a nice childhood, with a happy mum, and a sense that change isn't scary. You are the adult and can see the bigger picture.

If he wanted sweets for dinner and you decided the best thing was a healthy meal. You wouldn't be "putting him first" by giving him sweets.

Living somewhere with no transport links when you can't drive is not sustainable anyway, he'll hate that as a teen.

Move, definitely, but (1) explain the reason or it, (2) acknowledge his distress, don't dismiss it, (3) get him involved eg choosing how to decorate his new bedroom, (4) reassure him it's not far away and he can still see his current friends

To put the other perspective. I moved a few times as a child due to my father's job and it has left me with issues around change even now. I feel it caused me real damage though I think moving as a 7 year old is different to a teenager and he is likely to.settle ok in time. But people glibly trotting out it is no big deal to a child are not right in my experience though my parents would also have said moving never had any impact on any of us because we hid it well so as not to upset them.
And having read your update re support etc well personally i would think long and hard in your position before making a move that is going to impact a lot on all areas of your family.
But anyway good luck whatever you decide to do.

For gods sake of course you move!!
He’s 7 and it’s 25 miles away!
If he was 16 and you were moving from London to Scotland I’d think slightly differently but for gods sake don’t let a 7 year old dictate important decisions like this!

The only dissenting point from me is what if you lose this job or it doesn’t work out? Can you really not do it near your current home? If you got made redundant where would you find another job?

And I say this not because of the kids but because you say you live near a support network and you have health issues, and your husband’s commute will be longer ({which presumably means that he won’t be around as much). Guess it depends how bad the health issues are…?

Thank you to those who have posted in defence of me not being able to drive.

I have epilepsy and used to drive and had been seizure free for over 13 years. And then out of the blue I had a seizure 3 years ago (hence losing my licence) and life has been very difficult since, health wise and emotionally wise.

Over the last 18 months I have had about 9-10 months off sick whilst trying to stabilise my heart and this job has been my saving grace. Children and family aside, it’s the only positive thing in my life that is keeping me smiling and what is probably stopping me from drowning.

Move! We moved when DS1 was a similar age - we just said we are moving to near legoland and he was sold. The first year we moved we did get season tickets so made sure we sold the legoland angle.

As others have said - show him your new house, the area, the school etc. Decorate his room. He will be fine