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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To re-locate even though my son is upset over it.

131 replies

DontWantTheRivalry · 24/11/2021 07:37

6 months ago I got my perfect job that I had been wanting for over 5 years.

When I applied for the job I knew that at some point we would have to move if I got offered the job.

When I got the job we put the house on the market and were always honest with our son (aged 7) that we were having to move away which meant he would have to go to a new school. He was very brave about it and enjoyed looking at new houses and looking at potential new schools so we thought things would be okay.

We then had a total lull in house viewings so the concept of moving faded from our lives a little but we’ve now had an offer put in on our house that we’re most likely going to accept.

I spoke to my son about it last night and he was distraught and started crying because he’s scared about changing schools and not knowing anyone, and of course being upset about leaving his friends. It broke my heart and I felt so guilty.

We are only moving 25 miles away but it’s not optional as there is no public transport and I don’t drive (medical reasons).

At the moment I’m reliant on family members to take me to work and pick me up and it’s just not feasible. We are paying them petrol money for the journeys but it’s still such an imposition.

But after my son’s reaction last night I’m really feeling like I have to put him first and if that means leaving my perfect job then that’s the sacrifice I need to make.

Has anyone else been in similar circumstances?

OP posts:

Earwigworries · 24/11/2021 09:11

Your sons fears are valid - it’s normal to fear the unknown - he will have to handle that throughout his life and you need to give him the skills to do so - move for your dream job .

Jibberjabberhutt · 24/11/2021 09:13

I really wish people would read threads properly, or at the very least the OP’s posts.

Wading through aggressive nonsensical posts from reactive posters who fancy letting off a bit of their own steam, is irritating.

thisplaceisweird · 24/11/2021 09:16

He's 7, kids at 7 are upset if you cook peas the 'wrong way' or make them wear certain pyjamas on the wrong day. Obviously move.

coogee · 24/11/2021 09:19

I voted YANBU based on the thread title.

You should move.

WingingItSince1973 · 24/11/2021 09:19

@Jibberjabberhutt

I really wish people would read threads properly, or at the very least the OP’s posts.

Wading through aggressive nonsensical posts from reactive posters who fancy letting off a bit of their own steam, is irritating.

I thought that too. So many aggressive replies! I hope they are a bit more chilled out in real life!

Ragwort · 24/11/2021 09:20

Of course you need to move, we moved 250 miles away when our DS was 9 and due to renting before we could buy a new house he ended up having to go to three different primary schools. I appreciate all DC are different but he really thrived on it and I think it's helped him to build new friendships and relationships with other people - he's at Uni now and incredibly confident and self assured.

Pesimistic · 24/11/2021 09:20

We moved this year son is 8 would swing fro. Being happy and then being upset about the change. We've been in our new area now for two months and he's only just started his new school and tmits been fine, he's made freinds loves his new school and doesn't even mention his old friends anymore,
you've got to do what's best for you as a family and a job is quite important, and finding one that you love is quite rare. Go for it. Kids are adaptable, and he will be fine. Make a big deal about doing his room up how he wants it and make it special.

WingingItSince1973 · 24/11/2021 09:21

@thisplaceisweird

He's 7, kids at 7 are upset if you cook peas the 'wrong way' or make them wear certain pyjamas on the wrong day. Obviously move.

Moving away from family, friends and everything they've ever known is a bit more stressful than cooking peas the wrong way. Too many people minimising children's feelings.

GnomeDePlume · 24/11/2021 09:21

@Earwigworries

Your sons fears are valid - it’s normal to fear the unknown - he will have to handle that throughout his life and you need to give him the skills to do so - move for your dream job .

I think this is a good point about fearing the unknown. Help your DS to see the positives but also acknowledge his fears, dont dismiss them.

This doesnt mean you dont move but you also help him to see that there is less unknown than he thinks. School will still be school, there will be lessons, there will be playtime. When you have an idea of what your school choices will be you will be able to show him the school he will be going to.

MrsSkylerWhite · 24/11/2021 09:21

We moved from one end of England to the other when ours was 7. Month later, happy as Larry in new school.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 24/11/2021 09:21

My parents moved 100 miles for my DF’s job when I was 9, siblings were about 13, 6 and 4.

We weren’t consulted. It was necessary, so we just had to get on with it. TBH I think it was probably hardest for my elder sister, at 13. I don’t remember it being too traumatic for me or the younger ones.

Maybe concentrating on how exciting it’s going to be, involving him in choices for his new bedroom, e.g. new duvet set, paint colour, etc. might help?

Lovelymincepies · 24/11/2021 09:25

He’s 7!

He will make new friends and not really worry about this after a few weeks.

Kids get majorly upset over loads of things but they get over it. They aren’t rational human beings.

lunarlandscape · 24/11/2021 09:26

You need to move. He needs to learn that he is resilient and can cope with life's changes. He absolutely does not need to learn that if he bursts into tears people around him will reorganise their lives and put their dreams on hold.

He will make friends. You will be happier. All will be fine. His old friends can come for sleepovers at weekends - if it's only 25 miles away, I'm sure their parents will drive them in exchange for a child-free weekend!

Help make the new place familiar to him. Look at the new area often. Maybe take a good friend of his on a trip to visit its local playparks and cafes, swimming pool or woods etc - so he gets to realise it's not the end of old friendships and so his friend wants to return.

Maybe do a pin board of ideas for how to decorate his new bedroom.

And give him time to adjust. Expect the first six months to be very rocky. Do ;t assume if they are that you've made a mistake.

Oftenithinkaboutit · 24/11/2021 09:27

A very hands on role, correct?
No chance of home working, correct?

Given your serious health concerns and recent deterioration in health - is it realistic to accept the role? I know it’s been your dream but perhaps not appropriate given your health

SimpsonsXmasBoogie · 24/11/2021 09:29

He's 7, for goodness sake. You'd be utterly mad to change your plans because of this.

Be sensitive to the fact that it will be a big change for him, but that's all you need to do.

Good luck with the move and congrats on your new job!

Imissmoominmama · 24/11/2021 09:30

We moved about the same distance when I was 7. My parents facilitated sleepovers with my best friend, who I’m still close to at 55! Mum couldn’t drive, but Dad did, and so did her mum.

RoseMartha · 24/11/2021 09:31

I cant vote as on the app but move.

I thought you were going to saw your child was about 15+ not 7.

My teens kicked up when we had to move three miles away last year, mainly because we had to downsize (due to divorce), and were in a small house to start with, now in a flat. One of them has got over it now, my SN one has got to the point where ok about it most of the time.

Can you go with its a new adventure kind of thing. Ask him how he would like his room or his half of the room if they share. I also think he will be picking up on negative vibes you have of your own.

25 miles is not that far even without a car, although I appreciate not on your doorstep. If you said 300 miles I can see how the support network is lost.

CovidMakesThingsHard · 24/11/2021 09:32

It’s ok to move.
He won’t understand the reasons behind it and will be upset but that’s because he so young. People move their kids all the time and the improvement in your mental health will spill over to him. Your DH thinks this move is right too as he would agree to sell otherwise. You’ll still stay In contact with some friends and make new ones too

lunarlandscape · 24/11/2021 09:34

You are staggeringly lucky to have been promoted after being off sick for 10 out of the last 18 months!

Given your situation, with the lo al support network etc, would it make sense to look into mobility taxis to take you to and from work? Would that be an option financially? Moving house costs £££ in stamp duty and removal fees, redecoration etc. Could you mentally offset the cost of mobility taxis against those costs and stay put? I think we often decide something is too expensive whilst paying huge sums for something we see as inevitable which isn't.

Gonnagetgoing · 24/11/2021 09:34

Despite your updates I’d still move as you say this job is your saving grace.

Both kids will cope and they’ll be all the better for having a happy mum in a job she loves.

lunarlandscape · 24/11/2021 09:34

local not lo al

rhowton · 24/11/2021 09:45

We moved 25 miles up the motorway and it's a 35 minute drive. I have friends there still and travel most weeks to see them, or our family who we left behind. My children's closest friends live there and we see them monthly. 25 miles really is nothing. You''ll be fine, and so will he.

ToastieSnowy · 24/11/2021 09:47

I moved my then 5 & 8 year olds as the original junior school wasn’t working for my 8 year old. He has ASD and I’m on my own (I also have epilepsy).

Talk to the new school. The new school were fantastic with settling both boys in but especially my eldest, the teacher made such a fuss of him. He was so happy when he came out of school that first day.

At primary school age there’s plenty of time to meet new friends as they’ll be parents of the kids. It’s when you get to secondary school age it’s much harder as you don’t see the other parents. So there are opportunities to establish another support team.

If it was your DH who had landed his dream job would you go? Same should apply to you.

Thankfully I’m still able to drive as my epilepsy is under control but when I moved a few years ago I chose a house that was close to a good bus route in case I had to give up my license. Practical steps will help the move go smoothly.

LittleMysSister · 24/11/2021 09:49

I wouldn't not move and not take a dream job because of a 7yo.

No child wants to move school but lots do, he will be fine. Just reassure him his friends can still come over at the weekend etc, he can keep in touch with them, but there isn't a choice in this move.

I moved at the same age and felt devastated too, but it's just one of those things, you soon adapt.

Courtier · 24/11/2021 10:11

He's 7. He'll be moving to a new school at 11 anyway.

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