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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling judged for cosleeping

108 replies

Blueberry12345 · 21/11/2021 21:20

11 months in with breastfed baby and we bed share, DH is in the spare room.

I've stopped mentioning this to anyone because I feel utterly judged by this by other mums.

I'm a FTM and have to admit that I never thought I would be the type to bedshare but here we are. I can understand those without kids judging maybe but other mums?!

It feels as though if my baby sleeps well, it doesn't 'count' because DC is not in own bed.

AIBU to think that there is a real stigma attached to this? It feels totally natural to me to have baby close and we all get more sleep. I love cuddling up at night and don't feel like I'm ruining DC by doing this!

We are considering getting a bigger bed so DH could maybe come back in with us 🤣 also any tips for bed sharing when a baby crawls?

OP posts:
BigYellowHat · 21/11/2021 21:23

I co-slept with DS until he was about 5. Practically had to peel him out of my bed! Personally I see nothing wrong with it but I didn’t go telling loads of people about it.

Teacupsandtoast · 21/11/2021 21:24

I loved cosleeping! Got so much more sleep 99.9% of the time. If they're judging, it's because they arent comfortable with their own choices

BlackCatMum · 21/11/2021 21:25

I slept with DD until she was about 4 and still sleep with her every so often and she’s now 7. Nothing wrong with it. DD only starting sleeping through at about 4/5 so it was the best way to get sleep.

When DD got to about a year, we got rid of the bed frame and just slept on a mattress on the floor. Did that for about two years and then put the frame back on. Worked well.

Luredbyapomegranate · 21/11/2021 21:25

It would drive me crackers but if it works for you great. People love having opinions. Just don't discuss it.

canyoutoleratethis · 21/11/2021 21:26

I can really relate to this OP! I largely bed share with my 8-month DD while my husband is in the spare room. I love it, and it works for our family. My DD is a good sleeper, happy and settled, and I love our closeness. She’s also really close with her dad, and gives him the biggest grin when he comes in to greet us in the morning with a cup of tea and some snuggles in bed all together. It’s wonderful.

But I am so fed up of the judgement I get that I don’t talk about it anymore. And that makes me sad because I am really happy with our little set up.

Oh, and I also do contact naps, but that’s another one of my dirty secrets! Grin

Porcupineintherough · 21/11/2021 21:26

Part of being a mother is being judged and feeling judged unfortunately. I always felt judged because I couldn't co sleep, even though mine were terrible sleepers. A friend of mine used to feel terrible because breastfeeding didnt work out for her. Just be kind to yourself.

PS all sleep is precious and counts

Zarene · 21/11/2021 21:27

I bloody love co-sleeping, and never felt judged for it (we stopped just after one, but still do so occasionally when DD has a rough night).

What are people doing to make you feel judged?

Bobsyer · 21/11/2021 21:27

Crawling isn't an issue, assuming you're all in bed at the same time.

Honestly, I co-slept with my youngest (else I would never have got any sleep) and plenty of people disapproved - I was and still am totally happy with my choices re sleep and feeding (the other thing everyone has an opinion on Hmm) my advice, daft as it may seem, would be just to let it wash over you. Develop a thick skin.

I stopped at 14 months, both breast feeding and co-sleeping as I was back at work and it was almost impossible, as while co-sleeping works, I don't think I got much REM sleep, most was quite a light doze. I took a week off and did controlled crying, weaned off the breast and got him into his own room and cot. Not trying to show off, but I was pretty proud tbh! Grin. He learned how to self-settle really easily and at 10 you would never know I'd been so cruel WinkGrin

PlasticPlantsDontDie · 21/11/2021 21:27

Co-sleeping is marvellous. Tell them to mind their biscuits.

SnackSizeRaisin · 21/11/2021 21:28

Pretty much everyone I know has coslept at some point. I would say that it's probably not ideal to sleep in a separate bed from your husband in the long term...but lots cosleep all together. But no I don't think there's a stigma at all. Particularly not with babies over 6 months but under about 3years. Very young ones the midwives don't like it, and older children it maybe not the norm.

EllaVaNight · 21/11/2021 21:28

I've stopped mentioning this to anyone because I feel utterly judged by this by other mums who are you "mentioning" it to? I don't mention parenting tactics to anyone other than friends/family I trust as it is all so personal. Our daughter sleeps in bed on her own then with us after we've had our own time together. It's no better or worse than anyone else imo.

People who have an issue with other people's parenting/comments on their parenting usually aren't confident in their own parenting.

Theunamedcat · 21/11/2021 21:29

Try it when your 8 year old sen child is in with you and people look at you like 👀👀👀👀👀 phrases that they use include "She is doing it for her not him" "You can tell he is the last one" "shame she won't let him grow up" "well I certainly wouldn't allow it discipline is needed here" and so on

I dont discuss it anymore

Anyway yes bigger bed and pool noodle under a fitted sheet makes a good bed guard the only one that worked as he is the only one not to fall out of bed! We found a floor bed was great when he was younger

Gatehouse77 · 21/11/2021 21:31

We were confident in our decision being the right one for us and didn’t really care what anyone else’s opinion was. For us, it was fine and we were happy to deal with any potential downsides, which we accepted there could be.

GoodnightGrandma · 21/11/2021 21:31

I coslept , just didn’t tell anyone.
Nipped into DH for nookie, and nipped back again.

Icebreaker99 · 21/11/2021 21:32

First two years seem to be purely about survival so I wouldn't judge, if it works for you and your family great. But your language in your OP (if I was being nitpicky) of "It feels totally natural to me to have baby close" may make others feel judged though as you seem to be implying it's unnatural to want space away from your child. You are probably not implying that at all but we can all find innocent comments that are triggering and make us feel judged, what im trying to say (poorly) is some of these mum's may be judging you but many might just be using defensive language to cover over their own guilty feelings.

EllaVaNight · 21/11/2021 21:33

I also breastfeed my daughter who is over 2 which many people would be uncomfortable with. I don't mention it irl.as it isn't their business.

Antsinmypantsneedtodance · 21/11/2021 21:33

www.bbc.com/future/article/20210222-the-unusual-ways-western-parents-raise-children

A good read. Share it with anyone who makes you feel odd or judges you.

Cosleeping is completely and utterly normal! Breastfeeding or not.

If it works for you and your child it's the perfect set up!

If it's not working for you then you can decide to make changes. But only do it if YOU want to.

Society seems to judge women for being responsive parents by calling them out as being odd, or for "making a rod for their own back" or "giving in" to their child. Ignore them honestly.

I coslept on and off for 6 months. However it didnt work for us for multiple reasons. I actually felt judged for NOT cosleeping. I think it depends somewhat on your circle. I still breastfeed and eould never rule cosleeping out if its what my child needs. If anything I'm quite jealous sometimes of parents who do cosleep...least you dont have to leave your nice warm bed at night!

Queenfreak · 21/11/2021 21:34

My 4.5 year old still sleeps with me most of the time.
I can't actually remember the last time I slept in the same bed as dh for an entire night .
I also know lots of parents who have successfully co-slept and then their young child has started sleeping on their own (mine hasn't got that memo yet).
My honest opinion is I would have preferred dd slept alone, but I never had the heart to sleep train, and she wasn't sleeping alone without it! In general conversation most parents condemn co-sleeping. When I ask individuals however they pretty much all have co-slept for a period of time.

Dentistlakes · 21/11/2021 21:34

I co-slept with both mine and it helped with breastfeeding and minimised the time I was awake during the night. I can’t remember exactly how old they were when I stopped being a regular thing, but I reckon is was around 4 or 5. They still come in if they’re ill or have had a bad day and need a bit of reassurance. If DH is away the first thing they discuss is who gets to come in with me!

You do get a lot of judgement from other mums about it, along with how long you breastfeed for. I don’t know why, but I learned very quickly not to share anything about breastfeeding or co-sleeping. If asked directly I would skirt around the issue as best I could without sharing the absolute truth. Really it’s not really anyone’s business but yours.

StrawberrySquash · 21/11/2021 21:35

If it works for your family, crack on.
It feels as though if my baby sleeps well, it doesn't 'count' because DC is not in own bed. Your baby sleeping well isn't a thing that counts or not. It literally just has the (massive) advantage that everyone is well rested. Where the baby sleeps is irrelevant. You don't win by having a bad sleeper (other than winning sleep for yourself!)

Vivi0 · 21/11/2021 21:35

We are considering getting a bigger bed so DH could maybe come back in with us

Definitely do it!

We have a super king bed. DH, DS1 and I sleep in it. DS4 sleeps in a pull up bed at the side.

I love cosleeping with my boys and don’t care what anyone thinks about it.

Original poster
Blueberry12345 · 21/11/2021 21:35

@canyoutoleratethis contact naps over here too 😄😄 it's my only time to sit and watch tv, as my baby will only have a catnap if down in the cot but will sleep for hours on me. I love it and other mums would totally judge us for this too 🤣🤣

OP posts:
AutumnInBustletown · 21/11/2021 21:37

We still cosleep and bf at 2.5...but I have stopped telling people in real life, unless I know they have a similar parenting ethos!

A super king mattress on the floor works well for us.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 21/11/2021 21:37

There is a 'stigma' attached to loads of things. Co sleeping. Breastfeeding past 6 months. Feeding puree vs blw. Night weaning. Sleep training. Literally every decision in the early years has people in hysterics, just read the 'sleep training will turn your baby into a serial killer' type threads.

I'm a feminist but one of the things I don't get is why women beat each other up over this shit. That's one thing I think men have got right, you rarely hear Steve slagging idd Dave because his baby is 10 months old and has never had solid food.

Anyway I digress. The good news is that as your child gets older, people give less of a shit about what other people do because they have other things going on in their lives.

My advice -
Stop hanging around with judgemental arseholes
If you can't do that, be evasive and if pressed, and you know they're judgey fuckers, just lie

Starcaller · 21/11/2021 21:38

I've loved co-sleeping. We've never had tears at bedtime, we've all had loads of sleep, it's been brilliant! DD is 3 in Feb and tonight was her first night in her own bed as I'm pregnant and we wanted to start getting her used to her own bed and room before the baby comes. She went to sleep straightaway with a cuddle and we've not heard a peep from her since. Don't listen to 'rod for your own back' or stuff like that. Little kids want to be close to you, and when they're ready they will mostly graduate to sleeping alone without fuss. Just enjoy the cuddles and all the sleep!