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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling judged for cosleeping

108 replies

Blueberry12345 · 21/11/2021 21:20

11 months in with breastfed baby and we bed share, DH is in the spare room.

I've stopped mentioning this to anyone because I feel utterly judged by this by other mums.

I'm a FTM and have to admit that I never thought I would be the type to bedshare but here we are. I can understand those without kids judging maybe but other mums?!

It feels as though if my baby sleeps well, it doesn't 'count' because DC is not in own bed.

AIBU to think that there is a real stigma attached to this? It feels totally natural to me to have baby close and we all get more sleep. I love cuddling up at night and don't feel like I'm ruining DC by doing this!

We are considering getting a bigger bed so DH could maybe come back in with us 🤣 also any tips for bed sharing when a baby crawls?

OP posts:
0verth1inker · 21/11/2021 22:10

You do you OP! Especially when bf co sleeping can be a great way of getting more sleep.
FWIW I sort of agree with a PP that depending on how it’s presented people can often respond negatively as they perceive criticism. ‘Oh do you and DS share a bed’ ‘oh yeah we do, it works so well I love it we love being so close. I can’t imagine wanting him a separate room it’s helped our bond so much’ ‘oh, well DC sleeps in their own room but sleeps 13 hours solid so can’t be too bad’. Sometimes when people are worried about being criticised they judge to their defence. Not saying you necessarily do that!

Mossstitch · 21/11/2021 22:16

Don't tell anybody, it's none of their business! Two of mine didn't sleep through til 4 yrs old🤷 middle one did from 11 months so obviously not something I was doing wrong. By the third I gave up, double mattress and single together on the floor, I toss and turn a lot during the night and not good if I'm trying to stay still so as not to disturb sleeping child so most of the time I ended up rolling over onto single mattress when joined by toddler in the middle of the night once he was sleeping..... Whatever gets you enough sleep to get you through the next day! Eventually they don't need you......... And then you miss them😂

Spottybotty20 · 21/11/2021 22:18

Co slept with ds until he was 3 and then he moved out because I was pregnant and struggling to turn etc. He adapted really well to his own bed and I wouldn’t change a thing. Dd will be in with us as long as she wants - no one judges your choices with child 2 especially if number 1 is a delight

Voord · 21/11/2021 22:20

Parenting is just one endless round of being judged by people who think they know better. I just wouldn’t tell people. No-one needs to know.

Summerfun54321 · 21/11/2021 22:22

Most of my mum friends co slept at some point, get some more like minded mum friends maybe who don’t pass judgement.

AsleepOnTheTrain · 21/11/2021 22:25

Honestly? They're jealous that you get a good night's sleep!! I loved my two in with me but I was a single mum so it worked well

mysticjudo · 21/11/2021 22:30

My 8 year old DD still sleeps in bed beside me and doesn't seem to be in a hurry to move out of it any time soon. I love it.

Oneliner · 21/11/2021 22:32

Co sleeping is ace. I recommend putting kids into double beds if you've the space. Means you can comfort them if needed without losing your nights sleep too. This whole you spoil them thing is nonsense. For many mothers in the world, co sleeping is a given. Don't hang out with people who make you feel judged.

PinkWednesdays · 21/11/2021 22:32

What do you mean by bed share? Do you just sleep in the same bed or is there a certain position you sleep in?

I am so so sleep deprived with my 7 month old, and recently I’ve started to bring him into my bed when I can’t settle him during the night. He still wakes up but I’m wondering if there are any tips on making it a more regular thing so I can get some sleep!

Fallagain · 21/11/2021 22:32

People judge everything to do with parenting
also any tips for bed sharing when a baby crawls? - put your mattress on the floor. It also means you can get them to sleep and then leave for a bit, well in theory.

Kotatsu · 21/11/2021 22:33

I coslept (although ex was in the bed too) - then put DS1 in a bed next to us at about 2, then in a bed in the same room at about 3, then finally in his own room about 4.

DS2 moved in with DS (as in the same bed - a double) when he was 1 (he gave up feeding as soon as he could after tasting real food!).

Even now at 11 and 8, they share a room, having had their beds pushed together until earlier this year (when eldest started complaining about the youngest hogging the bed too much), and at the weekend they both come and sleep in mine (they'd do it all the time if they could, but they're so big it's a squeeze and I appreciate my weekdays alone!).

I'm sure the 11 year old will give it all up soon (or maybe not, he's a massive softie)

Original poster
Blueberry12345 · 21/11/2021 22:34

@PinkWednesdays so yes we share a bed and follow the safe co sleeping rules. I can highly recommend it! At first I was nervous but now it's like second nature. I couldn't go back to having to actually get up or even sit up for night time wake ups now! 😄 any qs do drop me a message x

OP posts:
Anothermother3 · 21/11/2021 22:35

Didn’t read all of this but my tip for crawling is either bed against the wall if easy or get a bed guard (not be of the mesh ones) and put it on the side then baby then you and that might even mean room for your partner. Obviously they could crawl round that of fully awake but guessing you would be there in time of that was the case.

NameChange74567 · 21/11/2021 22:36

My 2yo still sleeps in my bed, no plans to move him out of it any time soon. Get a super king bed. We have one and the 5 of us can fit on it. I find it easier just to tell people ds sleeps in his own bed.

EishetChayil · 21/11/2021 22:39

It's perfectly natural. In nature you don't see baby chimps sleeping in a different tree from their mothers. They're always together.

peboh · 21/11/2021 22:41

I personally struggle with co sleep, as dd is a wriggler and I'm such a light sleeper that I barely sleep when she's in our bed. However, I would never judge anybody on it, how you parent your child is your business. As long as it's done safely, then you shouldn't have to feel bad for it.

Lindy2 · 21/11/2021 22:43

My DC are teens now. I look back on my time of co sleeping very fondly. I BF both until they were 2 and I'm very pleased I was able to do so.

I'd suggest simply not discussing the intricacies of your chosen parenting approach with other people. It only involves your baby, you and your DH and if it works for the 3 of you then it's a successful approach.

I don't regret co sleeping or BFing at all and if I was doing it all again I'd do it exactly the same way, but without any self doubt at all or worrying about other people's opinions.

Porcupineintherough · 21/11/2021 22:45

@EishetChayil

It's perfectly natural. In nature you don't see baby chimps sleeping in a different tree from their mothers. They're always together.
You see it's that sort of stupid remark that can quite unwittingly put people's backs up.

In nature, a young chimp left alone at night would be at high risk of being killed and eaten. This is not generally the case if you put your baby to sleep in a cot.

Co sleeping is fine but in humans a spectrum of behaviour regarding where babies sleep is "natural".

mommatoone · 21/11/2021 22:49

My dd is 9 and she still sleeps with me!.
This started around 6 months old when i was ebf and co slept - just so we could both get some sleep! . Never had any negative comments about this- but personally i wouldnt care!do what you feel is rightx

mynameiscalypso · 21/11/2021 22:53

My experience has been the reverse - every parent I know seems to co-sleep and people often look surprised when I say that DS has never slept in our bed (bar one nap when he was about 7 months old). I bloody wish he would!

cafedesreves · 21/11/2021 22:57

I think you should do whatever you like! Interesting though about getting more sleep that way... my 14MO DS sleeps sleeps so much worse if I'm in the room with him. He sleeps through consistently when he's in his own cot in his room. So I'd disagree that cosleeping means more sleep.

StaplesCorner · 21/11/2021 23:09

I co-slept till youngest DD was 6 - my motto was everyone just get into some bed, somewhere, and sleep. Doesn't matter whose bed.

Interestingly I had to discuss DD's health issues with a trainee psychiatrist recently, young chap not long out of med school I imagine, and he asked me if she'd slept well as a child, I said not great but she slept in my bed till she was 6 - OMFG he was so shocked and included it in his report! But that says more about him and his lack of life experience than it does about the pros and cons of co-sleeping - I thought just you wait till you have your own kids then you won't be doing the cats bum face.

(PS there's a thread on here today about a father co-sleeping with an 11 yo DD - now that's when you need to worry!!)

TAKESNOSHITSHIRLEY · 22/11/2021 00:10

im still cosleeping with my (disabled) 11 y old.i chose to since day 1.acually since pregnancy as i never bought a cot or mosses basket. I planned to have him with me from day 1

i never breastfed so that wasn't my reason.
i follow a different style of parenting to most and still do
so my opinion was new-born's should be by their mothers not in a cold cot or by themselves in another room.(i have the same attitude towards schools)

ive never given a shit on opinions of others and many have tried to tell me how wrong i am(same with home ed) they get the same look or f off response
i opted out of hvs so didnt have anyone to "tell me" off

its come out years later he has many complex special needs/disabilities and needs me at night.

hes mentally 5/6 and has major anxiety at night.
he needs 24/7 care(we home educate so down to me)so with me is the best thing for him. he can stay with me as long as he needs to.

hes very big for 11 as hes 5ft 4 and nearly 11 st.hes been big since birth so ive always had a super king bed.

ignore peoples opinions and what society thinks you should be doing, you do whats best

Marvellousmadness · 22/11/2021 00:13

I judge because I think:poor husband
Plus if your kid is sleeping well now,you're just delaying the problem of the kid not sleeping when you are going to put him in his own cot and he will scream the house down because now he is used to only sleeping together.
I feel like collecting is not doing anyone favord except for mum perhaps. And yeah I couldn't imagine not being able to sleep in your own bed for 11 months?!how about sex or intimacy. Or just the fact you get discarded like that. Makes me sad.

2319inprogress · 22/11/2021 00:19

Bed shared with all of ours - one quit at 12 the others are still going Smile
Get a king size it's brilliant for 2 plus baby - we pushed a single up against the king size when we added more!

As soon as mine were mobile we did loads of practicing getting off the bed/down stairs feet first. The foam wedge things on the edge of the bed (under sheets) worked brilliantly for us - toddlers can get past them easily when they need to but they can't roll out by accident.

Ignore judgmental people, they will always find something to judge!