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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling judged for cosleeping

108 replies

Blueberry12345 · 21/11/2021 21:20

11 months in with breastfed baby and we bed share, DH is in the spare room.

I've stopped mentioning this to anyone because I feel utterly judged by this by other mums.

I'm a FTM and have to admit that I never thought I would be the type to bedshare but here we are. I can understand those without kids judging maybe but other mums?!

It feels as though if my baby sleeps well, it doesn't 'count' because DC is not in own bed.

AIBU to think that there is a real stigma attached to this? It feels totally natural to me to have baby close and we all get more sleep. I love cuddling up at night and don't feel like I'm ruining DC by doing this!

We are considering getting a bigger bed so DH could maybe come back in with us 🤣 also any tips for bed sharing when a baby crawls?

OP posts:
BaronessBomburst · 22/11/2021 00:26

My 11 year old will sleep with DH and me if we let him. He doesn't need too, just prefers too.

BookFiend4Life · 22/11/2021 01:22

@Bobsyer

Crawling isn't an issue, assuming you're all in bed at the same time.

Honestly, I co-slept with my youngest (else I would never have got any sleep) and plenty of people disapproved - I was and still am totally happy with my choices re sleep and feeding (the other thing everyone has an opinion on Hmm) my advice, daft as it may seem, would be just to let it wash over you. Develop a thick skin.

I stopped at 14 months, both breast feeding and co-sleeping as I was back at work and it was almost impossible, as while co-sleeping works, I don't think I got much REM sleep, most was quite a light doze. I took a week off and did controlled crying, weaned off the breast and got him into his own room and cot. Not trying to show off, but I was pretty proud tbh! Grin. He learned how to self-settle really easily and at 10 you would never know I'd been so cruel WinkGrin

Can you tell me more about the week off with controlled crying? Lol, I'm going back to work soon! Don't particularly want to wean, baby is only 9 months. But I'm so tired. Do you think it would.be possible to.do this without weaning?
Marvellousmadness · 22/11/2021 02:34

Collecting =co sleeping

EllaVaNight · 22/11/2021 11:24

I judge because I think:poor husband Oh youre one of those people who think sex must only happen in a bed. Your poor husband Hmm

We cosleep. We all sleep in the same bed. My partner and I have sex most days we just do it elsewhere!

Brainwave89 · 22/11/2021 12:01

Hi OP. As an Asian mother co sleeping is the norm in my culture. I have never heard of any negative comments. Kids go out of the parents room when they are ready and not until. Never had any issues, and the level of household stress appears lower than in some western houses. As with all such things, listen to opinion, but do what is right for you.

shouldistop · 22/11/2021 12:08

Who are you mentioning it to and why? What judgemental comments are you getting?
Sometimes I think people are projecting a bit when they think others are judging them. Literally no one else cares where your baby sleeps, how they're fed, whether you do blw, how long they rear face in a car seat.
I mean that kindly btw, no one will give it more than a passing thought. Maybe they think they're being judged for not co-sleeping:

Movinghouseatlast · 22/11/2021 12:15

My niece has 2 kids aged 6 and 4 and they all still sleep together. The children don't even have beds.

EishetChayil · 22/11/2021 12:19

@Marvellousmadness

I judge because I think:poor husband Plus if your kid is sleeping well now,you're just delaying the problem of the kid not sleeping when you are going to put him in his own cot and he will scream the house down because now he is used to only sleeping together. I feel like collecting is not doing anyone favord except for mum perhaps. And yeah I couldn't imagine not being able to sleep in your own bed for 11 months?!how about sex or intimacy. Or just the fact you get discarded like that. Makes me sad.

There are proven benefits for both mother and baby.

As for sex, it doesn't just happen in bed...

Shmithecat2 · 22/11/2021 12:26

Meh. Don't worry about it. I still cosleep with ds and he's 6yo now. It's the only way he sleeps through. Breastfed him til he was nearly 4yo. Because that's when he was ready to stop. I'm quite secure in the choices I made and couldn't give a shit about what anyone else thinks. You should be the same.

Shmithecat2 · 22/11/2021 12:28

@EishetChayil

As for sex, it doesn't just happen in bed...

Indeed! Or a night.

LittleGwyneth · 22/11/2021 12:28

Why are you talking to other people about where your child sleeps? You don't have to tell anyone anything unless you want to.

mycatisannoying · 22/11/2021 16:33

It can't be great for a marriage, no matter what anyone says.

PenelopeVonDelius · 22/11/2021 16:35

A friend of mine bed shared with her ds till he was 3 at least. Totally fine. Whatever gets you the best chance of a night's sleep tbh!

Fallagain · 22/11/2021 16:39

@mycatisannoying

It can't be great for a marriage, no matter what anyone says.
Why? My marriage does much better when we all het sleep. And if you think sex can only happen at night and in bed then you lacking in imagination.
Shmithecat2 · 22/11/2021 17:01

@mycatisannoying

It can't be great for a marriage, no matter what anyone says.
Married for 13 years, just as good as ever.
Shmithecat2 · 22/11/2021 17:02

@Fallagain

Why? My marriage does much better when we all het sleep. And if you think sex can only happen at night and in bed then you lacking in imagination.

Spot on.

DriftingBlue · 22/11/2021 17:06

I did stop telling people.

I felt like I had to justify cosleeping because in our case it was the safer choice. I switched after I fell asleep from utter sleep deprivation while sitting up holding a baby that just would not go to bed without touching me. I was so lucky that she didn’t get hurt.

Planned co-sleeping was so much safer than other options with an extremely high needs baby. We completely reworked the bed setup and until she was bigger DH moved to the guest room.

Once she started crawling, we moved the mattress to the floor.

FrumpyMumsy · 22/11/2021 22:02

Still co-sleeping with my 3yo, and the 4yo comes in most nights too. Dad sleeps on his own. Everyone has an opinion. My children have never slept well, and I have always tried to maximise sleep for everyone (I still don't get enough). I'll keep it this way until youngest is ready.

Do what works for you and your family.

Jasmine00 · 22/11/2021 22:17

As a first time mum you will learn that sadly you will be judged for everything you do as a parent forever!! There will literally be judgement on things that you can't imagine there being judgement on.
Just let it go in one ear and out the other and enjoy getting a good night sleep and cuddling your baby. My 5 year old only just went into his own bed and he still regularly comes in through the night, at weekends I have all my kids in with me (I dont have a dh to worry about tho!) and I love it.
They won't want to come in when they are teens so I'm enjoying it now and it worked perfectly for bf.

RoseGoldEagle · 22/11/2021 23:15

I coslept with all mind. We all sleep so much better, everyone’s happy. I know what you mean- some friends seemed to suggest it was cheating somehow…however DD aged 5 is now in her own bed where she goes quite happily and has done for a year or so and sleeps through- and we had no aggro or tears or stress at bedtimes over the years at all, as I was perfectly happy to sleep next to her while she needed it. I still cosleep with her younger siblings, and will continue to do so until they’re happy to sleep alone. I think people worry the child will never sleep independently- but I don’t think this is borne out in reality. As for the crawling- we’ve had a mattress on the floor for years. We’re mammals, tens of thousands of years of evolution is screaming at our babies to sleep next to a warm body that will protect them while they’re at their most vulnerable- it’s the most natural thing in the world to sleep snuggled up to your child. It’s a reasonably recent thing in history where it was decided children should be put in a room alone- of course many kids are fine and happy with that, but attempts to do so with my first led to complete hysterics from her, and just didn’t work for us.

RoseGoldEagle · 22/11/2021 23:18

Millions of years of evolution even!

Whybot · 22/11/2021 23:20

Follow your instincts . Like most mothers all over the world. I found other mums who did this at La Leche League , like NCT mums but non judging. You sound like a wonderful mum .

gemloving · 22/11/2021 23:26

I hate that you feel like that. I'm the other mum with a soon to be 3 year old and a 6 months old. Never co- slept but 0 judgement here. As a parent, you've got to do what works for you. My problem isn't even my babies being in my bed and then sleeping, it's me who wouldn't be getting any sleep. We do have odd nights when they're unwell but it means I have 3-4h sleep. If everyone is getting more sleep because of you being in one bed: brilliant. You're a fantastic mum doing a brilliant job, be proud. Fuck the haters.

cayennepepper · 22/11/2021 23:43

I'm still co sleeping with my 2.5 year old and I just don't mention it to anyone really. I had to bring him into my bed from 4 months old as he hit the terrible sleep regression and for my sanity (to get some sleep) I since slept with ds in the same bed. We stopped bf just recently and only doing night feeds and he takes huge comfort in being close to my boobs and holding them. I do get annoyed sometimes as I have his toes digging my rib cage but co sleeping has allowed me to get that extra sleep and since co sleeping, I've been getting better sleep and so has DH who sleeps in the spare room.

When we want adult intimate time, I pop into his room and then come back :) everyone's happy especially ds who just likes being close by in the same bed as me.

Costumeidea · 23/11/2021 00:23

I have co slept with my DD since her very first night in hospital (midwives soon stopped telling me to put her in the cot). She’s 7 now and we still do. I also breastfed her until she was 4.5. All happy here!